All Comments on 'Blue Topaz Eyes Ch. 02'

I donno. Maybe I am tired or something tonight. I really liked the 1st Blue etc. tho as I recall some times I had trouble following it. Anyway...I will try again tomorrow. In any case I applaud the effort and creativity. Keep on truckin...and writing.

Wow , that was seriously good !

I'm very impressed with your works Todd172 . I would love to see you take these characters further. You could give qhml1's swashbuckling series a run for its money . And that is some of the highest praise that I can bestow in this genre.

5 *'s easily

First decent story I've read in weeks. My first comment in months; Adrian Leverkuhn being the last. Definitely into my top 5 authors. Well done.

It was different, and edgy. Mostly well written. The "coal shoot" threw me off for a second, but it happens. LW was a stretch for this story, but it was a good read.

A great story for giving the other perspective. I feel that you explained her thinking and fears clearly and concisely.

Felt like a different pace from the previous story, but fit for well with her.

As HBK said, a bit of a stretch for LW, but I'm glad you kept in the same category as the first story.

5 stars and favorited and looking forward to your next story.

Thank you for writing.

She should have known that HE couldn't be corrupted by The Renhardt!

"She had the brightest blue sapphire eyes I'd ever seen" - In Ch1 her daughter had blue topaz, like her.

I still think she should have told him she was pregnant with their child.

Yes, that should have been "coal chute"!

The sign of a good story - I consider myself something of a grammar Nazi, and I read right over that, not even noticing the mistake!

I can't read it. The writing style is so convoluted, so many one sentence paragraphs, so much literary tricksterism going on that it wears me out. I couldn't finish either story. Write another and I'll try again. Hopefully you'll use a little less prolixity next time. Just me, obviously, others like it. Good luck.

The first story was so concise that this one really helped. Wow. Very rare to get this kind of gem - a topaz of course - what a great surprise. Very moving and compelling story - well done well done.

And why didn't you get here sooner?!

It's rare to read an engaging piece like your submissions, especially on a free porn site. There were some parts that were hard to follow, but the character development was done just right I felt comfortable investing in them. Keep writing!

Wonderful! A colored diamond!

Keep up the writing, I love your style and creativity.

Tiny Tim

Seriously!?

This was, if anything a little too stark!

A little MORE flesh on the bones of this very well-crafted story would be highly welcome, but then in a genre like this, I'm into Clancey-esque levels of detail.

Well done, author, 5*, easily.

I'm hoping you have some more follow-ons to this in mind. I would like to see something from the decades separating the last sentence and the earlier action. Like, how did he show her that The Reinhardt money wouldn't corrupt him? (and maybe, how does this saga earn its place here in LW, exactly?)

Great read. Well written. 5 all the way

You wrote:

"The HRT hit the door upstairs a fraction of a second later. They came on relentlessly as the sound of my shots echoed and died. Moving down the stairs like a machine, a single coherent beast with blinding arc- light eyes and gun oil tainted breath. A black Kevlar-scaled dragon."

Spectacular! The emotional impact was not as great as the first, which is a very high standard. but a solid, solid 4.

Canit wait to read more of your stuff.

I think the sacrifice theme struck me more in this one than the first - perhaps I respond to female sacrifice more than male.

I was a bit disappointed in the minimization of the female lead's injury, and thought the initial dead child scene needed a bit more work to create a traumatic reality. The blue eye symbolism is good - but I needed a bit more direct identification "it was like looking in a mirror when I was ..." to buy into the later symbolism.

I'd like to see more - these read like trailers for something much longer.

I'm fine, in fact happy, with the complexities of the writing style, but think your rendition of emotion could use a bit more... Perhaps the pain, paradox, purity, perspective axis? The redemption is there, but muted... and the reconciliation with the Believer status could have been looked into...

But! It's your puppy, and a very good puppy it is.

Green-something

"it was like looking in a mirror when I was ..." was to suggest a line when the protagonist looked into the eyes of the child in the basement. Perhaps a bit too obvious, but I think nailing down the identification and removing doubt has merit.

Green-something

(5*, by the way)

The two excellent chapters can be broken down and re-used when you write the Novel I am waiting to purchase! Thank you

I still like part 1 a bit more, but not a lot.

Despite some people's complaints, I think the terse style still fits the character -- no nonsense, no wasted verbiage. The story line was great, although not telling the father was needlessly arrogant of her. If she really respected him fully, she should have disclosed. But that's a quibble.

If you choose another protagonist in the future -- and please PLEASE do write more -- do feel free to add more "meat on the bones" depending on the characterization. Not everything should be as staccato as this, especially with a different character.

Even after reading her side I don't buy why she was silent. I guess she had some residual family training left in her about being selfish and inconsiderate. That was a choice more in line with her family than she'd ever be able to accept. One would have to consider just how long she was willing to keep the secret. I think most of us who read the stories would have to say disappointingly long, perhaps forever.

Liked the style of these stories. No nonsense and direct. Five stars again for this one! Keep writing please. Semper Fi.

Please continue writing. Loved these two especially the first chapter.

Thank you, and God bless you for writing something that made me feel the world is a good place.

So good as his part...And we could understand her way through life, why she behave and act like she did...4*

Thank You.

You are off to an incredible start.

Don't stop.

Yep, I agree. Please keep writing. I didn't think a second chapter was necessary, yet you pulled it off in spades.

If you do decide to publish I would be glad to buy a copy. I spend a lot of money on books and most of them are worse than this.

Thanks!

"Mommy, Please" Wow

Just... fuck.

Terrific. Amazing.

Dude. Just. Wow. Dam...my allergies started up. ''Mommy, please''...just about did me in. If you have any more stories up the pipe, I pray that they are just as good as this one is. Again...Wow.

All that in 3 pages! Stellar work.

Fuck log in! Corvette John in rainy Seattle

the story was as cold as

the Blue Topaz Eyes in the mirror

This was a bit more personal than chap one. I really enjoyed it!

Loved both chapters...the 'eyes' referenced perfectly. Not sure how a loving wives story, more romance ironically. Lol

Your name and story favorited!

(please keep writing)

I'm very much looking forward to reading more of your work. Thanks for sharing your gift with us.

Simply one of the best stories ever.

Congratulations and compliments to your excellent writing and efforts. That all said tho, like the 1st part, I some how just couldn't get into it. Keep it up tho and I wish you well.

this story would have been well served by an extra page or two.

Excellent tale. Keep them coming.

Five Stars

Very moving. An emotional roller coaster with a happy ending.

Gave you 4*s Todd172.

The best complement I can give: You should write for pay, stop giving your talent away for free!!

Thanks very much🎯!

AMerryman

Thanks again for the feedback. I take it seriously, and will probably implement it. My wife is working to convince me to novelize this, so every bit helps. Fragments of hat effort will continue to pop up as stories in Romance and NE, as I work out backstories, etc.

And yeah, HDK, et al: chute, not shoot. And that sapphire should've been a topaz. Operator head space.

I hope this one cleared up Emma a bit. I never actually planned to write this chapter, but the comments on the first one made either clear I needed to.

That said, I'm clearing the gun decks and pushing out a couple of unrelated LW stories out next. I really do write to get them out of my head. Both of these will be a bit closer to traditional LW. One of them actually a BTB. Just had to try that genre.

Thanks again.

I don't know how you did it but this story just drew me in from the first page all the way to the end. It kept my interest in the main characters and I was actually rooting for them. Not my usual kind of story but you did something with your writing that captured me and I'm still not sure how you did it. The only thing wrong with this story is I wish it went on and on. Thank you for a fantastic tale and I know have to keep track of your other stories and make sure I read them.

I liked it. Thank you for your skill at writing a story like this and I look forward to more of your work. Five stars.

My comment on the first installment applies here as well. Writers certainly use clever writing devices to spice up their writing. But, overusing those devices can quickly become annoying. This story comes across as something a first year student might be assigned in a creative writing class. Come up with a single phrase, and build a story around it. "She had the . . . eyes I'd ever seen." I just felt like you continued to use that device a bit too much.

I disagree with the previous commenter- the eyes thing was a theme throughout. If you write a symphony and reprise a melody, is it too much? Nope. It's a very reasonable device. My only qualm would be that I'd like to have seen the overall arc of the story moved forward past what we read in part one. That my only criticism on a very nice piece of work.

Sometimes to complete a story, I stop and rewrite the story from the other character's point of view just as an exercise. A lot of times this gets me into their heads so I can finish the first and just sometimes, I get a better story out of it.

I love it your story, no if and's or buts.

nice.

And let me know when you post it on Amazon so I can purchase it......

5 Stars. Well done.

Please do continue write stories in LV.

Looking forward to more stories. Some Lit authors you read automatically and you have made the cut. Keep it up.

Great story and written from another characters prospective just opens up the story a whole lot more.

IMO this was mote novel than Loving Wife's and needed a bit more sex scenes.

Now we know about Monica relationship, it would have been good to tead about that in mire depth.

Even do a great read.

We have been spoilt recently with some great stories. Including this one.

Now we have both parts of the beginning. I sure hope there is more of this...of them!

Gave more insight into Emma. She had some broken parts that might not have been evident from the first story.

It just wasn't needed.

Sometimes stories don't need "her point of view"

This was one of them.

Not bad, mind you... just did nothing FOR the original and was a let down

Loved both chapters.Have read several times and will probably read again! .Would love a sequel maybe with Elisa

Outstanding... the first was very good... but this was excellent... the only point I would make is that it wasn't long enough... there were so many areas that you could really have gone in depth with... her parents... especially the father.. the daughter... their lives... it just seemed a little truncated at the end... but all in all just excellent...

I would really like to buy some of your extended works... I'm sure they exist...

-jaye-

Just dipped a toe into this...and I think I'll go for a swim. Looking forward to the rest of your stories, I'll take 'em on date by date. Chapter 1 was good (OK great) but when I saw that 2 was going to be the same from her POV, I was leery to say the least. Imagine my surprise to find that 2 was actually better (just a little, only a tad)

So "well done, well told"

You write well. Homophones are not your friend. It is a coal CHUTE, not SHOOT. There were a few other distractions.

That one sentence thing. Yeah. It can be used to make an impact.

And as Kimi suggests, it can be OVERused. At the end here, it was. But that is a very venal sin compared to the quality of writing. (I noted that I am doing the exact same thing, so this sentence was moved next to the last so I don't appear to be a shit).

I read qhml1's recommendation in The Harpy and so I came to see what the fuss was about. My faith in him was well founded. You are a real writer.

So far a good series.. I guess I'm onto to the next one. Shamless, as the order of reading suggests.. would spice it up with a bit more sex but it has my interest.

You skill at writing is awesome. You write great stories. I look forward to reading more of them.

When nothing catches my eye on this or "The Other" site, I'll come back and start back up on The Shack series. Fookin' Hell, this great stuff. Really, really great stuff. I am so looking forward to your next story. Please don't keep us waiting too much longer...

YOU STARTED A GREAT STORY THAT HAS THE MAKINGS OF A NOVEL OR NOVELLA. I WAS HOPING TO SEE A LONGER OFFERING. PLEASE CONSIDER!

A great follow-up to the original story. It answers a lot of questions, but still leaves many unanswered. I certainly would like to see one more chapter in this saga.

5 stars

I'd never forgive anyone of stealing my childs childhood away from me

I'm vindictive enough that I would have sandbagged her friends in court and argued that the child should have gone with her grandparents

I an attempt to pretty up our intrepid heroine from all the dumb shit in the first chapter we find all the reasons given were a lie

That really what was going on is that in order to never lose her one true love she had to lose her one true love and steal his daughters life away from him.

All becuase while she could handle losing her one true love, she couldnt risk losing him is the one specific way of via her parents money?

As I said even dumber than the first

Also why wasnt she worried about her lesbian friends succumbing to the money?

And if she had explained the situation to the lesbian, her boss, and everyone else who knew about her kids why did all of them distrust him knowing her never did anything wrong?

The shack stories are surely the best read on this site. I've just reread the whole lot for the umteenth time, and I've never encountered better. So please Mr Author, can we have more? Thank you!

You are writing about a group of people connected in part by the fact that they are not really "normal", but all in a similar way, in a similar direction.

And to the "anonymous" that just doesn't get how seductive money can be... well I suppose that's good in a way. S/he may be immune. Most people aren't.

Series good

Character Sgt?

It should be your career.

This was freakin awesome

Lol!!

Anon 2/10/20, you must be a big city boy. Grand parents had one for storing fuel in the cellar for the coal/wood burning stove in the kitchen. Also to the pot belly heater in the living room. Coal truck would drop the coal onto the shoot, down it would go to the cellar. Think playground slide. South central Utah, mid 1950's, high desert.

@gnfitch, Anon's comment had nothing to do with country vs city. He was laughing at coal "shoot." The word, as you apparently also don't know is "chute - a sloping channel or slide for conveying things to a lower level."

Think of the old kids' game, "Chutes and Ladders."

The story is written as a 5, but the main two plot points make no sense.

(1) Emma comes across as both a good and brilliant person. How could she not understand that the Reinhardt could never corrupt her Sargeant. Thus, her explanation for not telling him about their daughter makes no sense.

(2) Even if there was a possibility of corruption, Emma just does not strike me as a person who would deny her daughter a father, particularly a very good father, and deny Sargeant his daughter.

The authors failure to analyze and explain these inconsistencies just left me cold with the story.

But in this case, the author changed enough to make it very interesting. That is hard to do! Excellent writing skills. Thank You

Felt like a retcon. As someone pointed out.

Reinhardt could never corrupt her Sargeant. Thus, her explanation for not telling him about their daughter makes no sense.

This is a second read...it was

as good as the first.

Reading a couple of your anon, Critics I wonder how some of them ever get any joy out of reading. I loved the fast paced, no filler style. Meat and potatoes. Your, stories don’t require salad. Like another commenter, said . You can put more emotion, mystery and action in 2 pages, than many very good writers can in 10.

Wonderful follow up

Another well earned 5/5

More of these two characters please

But the blogger style spacing is disconcerting. I am hopeful that is tidied in your later works still to be read.

Bravo!

Brilliant-cut blue topaz of a story. Two views of the same events - with retro background story that latches onto your soul liks a pit bull and drags you along with it. How in the world do you top 'Needles and Delaney'? With blue topaz eyes.

terrible. don´t have time or ambition to explain.

It is ever so good and I really enjoy your writing style!!! Don't ever stop...please!!!

Good one.

What a great nickname Danger Mouse, wonderful tale.

For those who want to throw their money at todd here is a comment that he put in a place where very few would read it.

We have novelized the first three Needles and Delaney stories into an ebook on Amazon, titled, originally enough as "Needles and Delaney." We did that partly because so many have asked us to, partly because it was just something new to do, and partly as to protect the work - there are people who skim sites for stories then publish them as ebooks under false names. Some of the real heavy hitters here have had that happen to them.

Doc Spirit 3

Very good tale, on to the next one. There are many corrupt people in this world. They are called politicians and multi Billionaires.

Excellent! Great finish. Five stars as always.

good!...

Same comment. this is no way to end a story!! great story though. LP

Love your stories, but I have to ask: You got something against baby boys? Seems like it's always girls, never boys. Regardless, I really enjoy your stories. Thanks for posting. 5 stars, as usual.

I read this story a long time ago, and accidentally clicked on it today.

Then I reread it. Just as good as last time.

You're good at this.

A great but short background story. Now I know who she is!!!

I don’t believe I’ve ever read a follow-on story from a second perspective as good as this one. Most of the time, they are rehashes of what was in the original, sometimes with large swaths of text copied verbatim. This was quite different and excellent.

Of course five stars. Second reading. Secrets between lovers suck. Life principle. Fine example here.

This author has a talent, I smile I almost laugh the there is a tear in my eye. What can I say, I just don't have the words except, thank you for the wonderful stories and how real these characters are to you, the author.

It is a great story,both parts of it. It makes me want more and what else can you say.

Second reading love it more.

Damn. Todd is the brilliant one. Thank you.

Please keep writing...

...you are one of the writers whose stories are consistently marvelous, and I absolutely envy your continual ability to create new worlds, characters, and stories.

I usually don’t care for series that have a “his perspective/her perspective” division. This one was absolutely great. I felt I knew the main characters for a long time by Todd’s writing.