Blue Topaz Eyes Ch. 02

I would never have believed the dream could be worse.

The cold blue porcelain eyes turned to me as the head traced that unnatural path. But this time, her lips moved. And I heard her voice for the first time.

"Mommy, Please!"

I woke, just catching the scream in my throat, trapping that anguish and smothering it to a whimper of pain.

He stirred beside me, but didn't wake.

I just lay there in a cold sweat for a minute, then edged out of bed, crossing the dark room on uncertain legs.

I slipped into the bathroom, racing from the urge to wake him, to tell him. I shut the door and sat heavily on the rim of the tub. As the nightmare faded, I kept repeating to myself I that was doing the right thing, for me and him. Our careers, our lives weren't right for this. I feared his corruption by The Reinhardt more than anything. Besides, it was just some cells multiplying, not a human in any sense. I finally calmed enough. I stood to leave and glanced toward the medicine cabinet.

I saw the woman in the mirror staring at me.

She had the coldest blue eyes I'd ever seen.

Almost clear, the color of the frozen heart of a glacier.

.

The mission ended. It didn't make headlines, but the headlines that mattered were the ones that never had to be printed.

That mission should have set my career forever.

I stood in Maria's office, all too obviously pregnant. I'd avoided her for two months after the initial debrief, then took three months of the endless leave I'd accrued, citing a need to recover from the mission. So now I stood, obviously pregnant, waiting for her to disown me for my personal failure.

She cocked her head to one side.

"So, have you told him?"

It all spilled out; my fears, nightmares, everything. She just stood and led me to sit on her couch. And let me cry it out on her shoulder.

In the end, although she didn't agree with me in my decision not to tell him, she supported me. She argued I was too valuable to lose. I was moved out of covert assignments and assigned to counter terrorism planning. A massive step up.

Cat and Monica were Godsends. The two of them even coached me during delivery. Although I think we all forgot the whole breathing thing.

They handed me Ellie.

She had the brightest blue sapphire eyes I'd ever seen.

Almost surreal. They were full of warmth and love.

Working in CT Plans meant I was home most of the time, and when I wasn't Cat and Monica were there for us.

I thought about calling him almost every day. But I still feared Them. And how they would ruin him. I loved him too much for that.

I no longer had the dreams of cold porcelain eyes, but I crept down the hall to Ellie's room several nights a week. To check on her, to hold her. To make sure she isn't huddled in her blanket in a corner.

Years passed. Ellie grew.

I don't remember anything about Istanbul. I was there for three weeks and two days. I remember getting on the plane, thinking that when I came back it would be time to get Cat and Monica a new power of attorney.

Then I remember waking up in the hospital. Staring at all of them. Especially him.

He wasn't angry with me – saddened by the loss of time with Ellie, but people in our world can be pragmatic to a fault, so he understood why – or at least he understood the reasoning I gave him.

It would be years before I could tell him the whole truth.

I must have retained stuff from the long twilight sleep. The lost leg wasn't a surprise. But when I heard about Evelyn, I nearly screamed in terror.

But when she came in, she was different. She had on blue jeans. Her icy arrogance was completely gone.

And she had the saddest blue eyes I'd ever seen.

Almost clear, the color of endless tears.

I'd never heard her apologize. Ever. For anything. Until now.

She begged, not for forgiveness – she felt she didn't deserve any - she just wanted a chance to participate in Ellie's life. A chance, even a small chance, for redemption.

I gave strict terms. And watched her like a hawk. She'd already warned off The Reinhardt, threatening to tear down his world if he didn't stay away forever.

She still cheated a little. He thinks the sword hanging over the fireplace that she gave him for his birthday is replica of Napoleon's sword from the Battle at the Bridge of Lodi.

It isn't a replica.

But only Evelyn and I know that.

It's been so many years.

Yesterday, I held my granddaughter for the first time.

Her name is Elisa. And she's brilliant.

She has the brightest blue topaz eyes I've ever seen.