All Comments on 'Breaking the Family Ch. 02'

Is English your second language ? 1* .

standard JimBob incoherent mess.

At bit overboard on the revenge.

And hard to follow.

Again, her pubic hair is light brown so she’s a “natural blonde”?

revenge and reckoning comes easily, TK U MLJ LV NV

I'm confused - Alicia was always sweet on him, and he's charging her with cashing a forged check?Or was he just teasing her?

And I agree with the comments about jumping around. I can usually follow scene shifts, but this was a bit too much, and there was NO explanation how Tony became so powerful.

Also, if it was so easy to get around the Gimmelis and Scanduros had on the town as was done here, why didn't other people do it?

Not sure if I posted this before!

"Honey, you're still out on bond from the last time," - If she was already out on bond she probably wouldn't be allowed bail again anyway!

but you wrote just a sketch of it. You should take your time to develop the scenes and the characters. For a short story you have an awful amount of characters and to be honest I barely related to any of them.

You just outlined the story, Take your time to tell the story. This one seems rushed.

This reads like a 2 minute TV recap of last year's season. Too fast. Could be a very good story if the events played out with more detail. Guy find out his wife is cheating on him and the their son is an orphan in a single paragraph. What? Why?

5* story.

But had to go with a 4*on it. To choppy, paragraphs need more embellishment and development. Finally what happened to Bobby makes Tony a monster, what Anna did to Tony is miniscule in comparison.

First Tony is a moron, knocks up some kid, tragedy visits and everything goes to hell. He gets a divorce and starts working on oil rigs. And in a few years he is SO smart and has SO much money he can build a parking lot and gain control of a bank? All this from a guy that never went to college and whose family isn't wealthy? Are the hush puppies in Lake Charles made of gold?

1 star

Dealing out punishment as harsh as they deserve

Good story

Big fish in little pond

Little fish in lake

Who is a natural blue eyed blonde takes a dim view of brown eyed women with any shade of brown pubic hair being called 'blondes'. Trust me on this, once I pointed a girl out that had the perfect complexion to be a blonde and had the brown eyes and eyebrows pointed out to me in a not very happy way. One learns quickly to keep ones opinions and mouth closed tightly on such matters, blonde jokes don't go over well either... Signed: BTW

Had not intended to comment -- although the comment "another intriguing JimBob 5-star story" did pass through my mind.

However, when I noticed a comment on Ch. 01 and two comments on this chapter, all taking JimBob to task for referring to light brown hair as blond, it incited me to tell an experience.

Over three decades ago, when I lived in northern Minnesota, a young man from the area told me of going to live for a short time on the southern Texas border -- I think it might have been Edinburgh (anyway, he went from extreme north to extreme south U.S.).

When he applied for a driver's license, he was asked the color of his hair, but without waiting for a reply, she looked at his hair and said, "blonde."

With a grin, he whipped off his stocking cap to show me his light sandy brown hair. To him it was humorous that what, in his native Minnesota, populated with so many light haired Scandinavians, would never be considered blond , could nevertheless, in a region highly populated with dark/black haired Latinos, be considered blond.

Sounds to me like JimBob knows his own milieu

better than his critic commenters.

Paul in Oklahoma

Great story. Looks like Tony is taking some pretty good revenge on the Scanduras. Well deserved revenge too.

Moving quick. Let’s see what he does with the ex now.

For a first story, this was great . JB is one great writer.

Good story ,in fact, it keeps on gettin gooder& gooder. LP

Thanks for sharing your work!

Too many new characters added every paragraph. It makes everything confusing and hard to follow.

Good story, but it hops all over the place and some changes, like Tonys, aren't explained.