Cat in the Rain

She stepped back and said, "Thank God you're home. I was worried sick. Where have you been?"

I said, "Sit down" - and gestured to the overstuffed leather chair next to my desk. Then I said those four fatal little words, "We need to talk."

She looked puzzled and concerned. She sat. God she was gorgeous!!

I said, "First, I want to tell you that I love you more than I love my own life. I have never loved anybody but you and I probably never will. But - - - I know."

She looked like she was about to say, "Know what?" Then it dawned on her. Her face went deathly pale. She whimpered and said in a strained voice, "OH MY GOD NOOOO."

Then she collapsed back in her chair. She put her right forearm over her eyes. Unfortunately it was the exact same gesture she had used on Friday when Dickhead was sucking her tits. Except in this instance it looked like she had gone catatonic.

I said, "I have some very tough video that I am going to leave here on the laptop. I want you to look at it. When you are finished we can talk."

Then I rose and pushed the play button. The gross slurping sounds that she made as she was swallowing the distinguished Senator's knob began. She cried out like I had hit her. I walked out of the room to the sound of her sobbing.

I picked up the dropped bag of Chinese and walked into the kitchen. I put the bag in the refrigerator. I didn't think that either of us would want to eat tonight.

I sat down at the kitchen table and stared off into space. I was completely disengaged from time and reality.

She finally appeared in the doorway. She was crying very hard - hands covering her face as she walked. She stumbled over to where I was sitting and sat in the chair opposite me. She put her head down on her arms and sobbed for a couple more minutes. I finally said, "Janet – we need to talk NOW!!"

She slowly raised her head and looked at me. Even with all of the crying her tear stained face was beautiful. I said, "I made a vow to not ask why. And you don't need to tell me how sorry you are. I just want to talk about how we will go our separate ways,"

She wailed, "Noooooo!! You can't do that!!"

THAT was beginning to really piss me off. I was getting tired of people telling me what I couldn't do. Particularly adulterous sluts.

She cried, "I love you Paul – only you. I hated betraying you but I couldn't stop. He's so powerful. He just wouldn't let me."

I said, "I have no idea what that even means. You are a human being. All you had to do was say "no" and walk away. Instead you gave him sex on demand – oh and by the way - he won't be so powerful by this time tomorrow."

She looked appalled. She said, "What have you done?"

I said, "The Post is going with the story about your affair tomorrow. It is very heavily illustrated if you catch my drift. Your lover-boy is toast. He will be resigning and heading off into the sunset with his loving wife. That's if she doesn't kick him out for being a total manwhore. Never fear – the Post is going to keep your name out of it if they can."

She lost all color in her face. She said, "This will ruin him."

I said, "I certainly hope so. And why should you give a shit anyhow. Do you love him THAT much?"

She said with some heat, "He's my boss. He put me in the position I'm in. I don't love him. I don't even like him. I only love YOU!"

I said, "Okay – I'm a sucker – even though I promised myself... If you don't like him then please tell why you were fucking him? And if you tell me that it was "just for the sex" I am out of here without another word."

She composed herself and said, "I was trying to help him cope with the pressures of his Office. He is a very important and powerful man. His leadership and guidance effects everybody in the Country. And I thought that I was making a difference by comforting him.

"He came into my office a couple of months after I started working for him, and told me that he was going to kill himself. He said that the burden of the decisions he had to make was too much for him. And that he couldn't take it any longer. We were the only people left in the office and I was terrified.

"So I just sat with him on the couch and held him while he cried on my chest."

I was thinking to myself, "Her chest huh? What a transparently obvious place to land."

She said, "He told me that his wife is a bitch and frigid and their marriage is a sham – not like ours where we love and support each other. And that he needed me to be his comfort and guiding light."

I thought, "Oh my God!! Does that line ever work on anybody but oversexed women, or the terminally stupid?"

She added "Then at some point he started nursing on my nipple. It was pretty prominent even with a blouse and bra over it."

I guessed that it would have been - since her nipples are very sensitive and that was what Fuckface was aiming for in the first place.

She continued. "That made me moan. And the louder I moaned the harder he sucked. Then he started playing with me and that fired me up so much that I fucked him right there on my office couch. I just did it because I felt sorry for him."

So there it was!! She was seduced by power. It was such an ancient ploy that Caligula must have used it. The corrupt motherfucker had warped Janet's nurturing instincts into permission to fuck him.

Janet added, "After that he would come to me for occasional relief. Then he started taking me to social events in place of his wife. We even dined with the President a couple of times. It was mind-blowing to be that close to ultimate power. Of course we fucked afterwards. I just got caught up in all of it."

What she had just told me was a perfect instance of pure, unadulterated, self-absorbed female egotism, with a helping of narcissistic delusion thrown in on the side. She got off on the fact that she had well-known and important men lusting after her – even the horny old goat who lived at 1600 Pennsylvania.

She was still droning on, "My fucking him caused me unbearable guilt at first. I wanted to tell you. But I didn't want you to be hurt. I knew that you wouldn't understand the importance of what I was doing.

"We socialized in such a different stratum. I knew that you would never hear about it. And when I was with him we had so many people shielding us that I never thought you would find out.

"So I put my guilty feelings in a box and kept them there. I behaved exactly the same way I always have done with you. You never suffered in the slightest. And I made sure that you were well taken care of."

I thought to myself, "Awesome job of compartmentalization you schizoid whore."

She gushed, "It wasn't close to the way I love you. It was like I was a different woman when I was with him. It was naughty and the power was intoxicating. The sex was just part of my work.

"However, it WAS definitely ego expanding to know that such a powerful man needed me that much - I was making a difference for the entire Country."

Yep – monumental egotism, delusions of grandeur and illicit sex – it was the DC trifecta!!

It was also all that I needed to let me walk out the door without regret.

I seriously didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That was by far the dumbest rationalization I had ever heard.

Did she have so little regard for me and our marriage that she would try to justify her behavior by wrapping herself in the flag? Or did she honestly believe that I was that big a fool?

She finished with, "But THEN he started treating me like I was nothing but a piece of meat. The last couple of months he used me like a slut. And I resented it. I hated him."

I thought to myself, "Who is this person?" It surely wasn't the level headed woman I once loved."

I said with bitterness, "Congratulations!! You're an experienced Congressional whore now. And on top of that you're stunningly beautiful. So all you need to do is put the word out and I'm sure you'll find some other powerful sugar-daddy to put you on his staff."

She gasped and said, "How could you say that? You're my only love. And I know you love me. We need to put everything else aside and concentrate on fixing our marriage.

"I might have gotten a little over the line. But it was a special situation. I promise you. I will never make that mistake again. I am very sorry and I will dedicate the rest of my life to making it up to you."

Cliché-cliché-cliché - I said, "The only thing we need to concentrate on is dividing up the community property. You're insane if you think that there is any chance of us getting back from this.

"I'll file "irreconcilable differences" not "adultery" but don't challenge me on this or the world is going to see a lot of you on the internet.

"My lawyer will be in touch. Please communicate through him from now on. I never want to speak to you again!!" She gasped in agony. That was my hurt talking.

At that I stood and walked decisively to the door. I picked up the seaman's bag that I had previously put next to it. I had packed enough stuff to be able to live on the boat for a while.

I turned to look back one last time. She wasn't looking at me. She was loudly wailing - with her head resting on her arms. I regretted nothing about my decision. But I desperately mourned the loss of my happy life and the woman I loved. I was truly on my own now – like a cat in the rain.

Safe Harbor

I ambled down our brick walkway and tossed my big duffel in the back of the Range Rover. I don't know how other men might react to what had just occurred – but I was exhausted and totally bereft of emotion.

I would have been in a wild rage - if I had not had the satisfaction of knowing that I had totally ruined the life of the man who had put me where I was.

I should have hated Janet. But she had been the love of most of my life. We had shared far too many good times to make me despise her. I just felt a sad sense of loss, emptiness and betrayal.

It made me feel like I should never expect any better treatment from life.

I planned on crashing on the boat. I had everything I needed for temporary residency. And short-term it would let me do all of the pressing things that I had to do in order to sort out the end of my marriage.

I had not actually called my lawyer, or thought about a new place to live. I was too busy greasing the skids under Senator Dickbreath. But I would do all of that tomorrow.

I DID call Gold while I was driving down Maine toward Fort McNair. He was intrigued by the fact that Janet had been at intimate dinners in the White House. He said he was going to spend time seeing where that tip might lead. He implied that he thought Janet's whoring might collapse the whole house of cards.

I said, "Do you really think she fucked the President?"

He said, "I'm sure he tagged her if she was available and in the right place. That horndog would fuck anything that walked. And Simpson is definitely enough of an ass-kisser to pimp her out - plus she is spectacularly hot.

"You say she was at the White House twice? I'll bet that they were changing the sheets in the Lincoln Bedroom after the second visit. Maybe I'll dig in the visitor logs to see what I can see."

I didn't know what to think about being in the same hole as the most powerful man in the free world.

I was stowing my stuff belowdecks when the storm that had been threatening all day finally let loose. It started to rain hard and the wind and waves were rocking the boat at its moorings. It wasn't violent. In fact it was kind of soothing listening to the rain beating on the deck above me. I opened up a bottle of Bowmore 27 – put on Beethoven's immortal ninth and sat down to drink-and-think.

It was a foregone conclusion that I had just had my last conversation with Janet. So I was wrestling with the fact that I was going to be alone - probably for the rest of my life.

I knew I would never trust another woman – at least enough to let her into my life. The whole thing just hurt too much. And I had no desire to repeat the experience.

I could understand the context. Janet fell into the power trap and loved being there. Politicians come and go. But staffers like Janet live in a Darwinian culture. And it would be natural for her to gravitate to the person with the most influence. Janet is gorgeous and Simpson wanted her. So he used his position of influence to get her – case closed.

Janet got the short-term notoriety and feelings of self-importance that you get when you move in the circles of true power. That would be a smart choice - if she weren't married. But with the Senator out of the picture and me gone she had absolutely nothing now.

Janet had already called a couple of times. I had no desire to listen to any more rationalizations. I would delete her voicemails later.

The phone rang again as I was finishing a wonderful two fingers of peaty heaven. This time it was Kari.

I looked at my watch. It was 12:30 AM. I said, "What's up Kiddo?"

She said, "God Paul!! Are you all right? Janet just called me in utter hysterics. She said that you left her and she doesn't know why. Is she smoking something funny - or has she still not seen the videos?"

I chuckled and said, "She thinks that having a flaming five month affair with a U.S. Senator is no big deal. She said that she was just fucking him for the good of the Country.

She can't understand why I'm making such a big fuss over it. "She sounded like Nathan Hale - I only regret that I have but one cunt to give to my Country"

Kari exploded in laughter on the other end of the phone.

I added, "So I'm living on the boat until I find a place." There was a huge crack of thunder overhead. I added, "It's tied to the pier so I'm not going to need lifeboats."

She laughed and said, "How are you doing? Do you want me to come over?"

I chuckled and said, "The sleeping arrangements would be the same as Saturday night so I don't think so. I AM starting to feel a little better about my life and I don't want to complicate things just yet.

"One thing still disturbs me though. After listening to Janet's bullshit I'm beginning to wonder if I spent ten years married to a make-believe woman. The one I talked to has no moral compass whatsoever."

Kari said, "That happens - women grow up projecting an image that is based on whatever morality society lays on us. It's something that we internalize and reflect back – it's our way of ensuring approval.

"That personality is unreal – by definition - Since it is based on other people's views. However, for most women it dictates how we live our lives.

"That is – until temptation comes our way.

"In that case a sexual woman will find that it's hard to say "no" to her baser instincts. You have to really understand the costs in order to be able to walk away from a thing as enticing as illicit sex. And it sounds like Janet hasn't come to grips with her inner slut yet.

"Janet loves to fuck – right?"

I said, "Most definitely!!"

"Kari said, "So there you have it!! I'm not saying that she's a schizo. I'm just saying that the woman you talked to is the evolved version of the Janet who you used to know.

"She still sees herself as your loving wife. It's just that she made this new discovery. That extramarital sex can be fun and empowering.

"The Janet you fell in love with is probably still there - exactly as she used to be. But the new one – the Janet who has learned that she can use her body to control influential men - will keep rationalizing her slutty behavior. It's like she has an evil sister now.

"And that sister will continue to do out-of-control and self-destructive things until the original Janet learns how to channel her natural, sexual urges into a more constructive approach to life."

I said, "Whew!! That's very heavy stuff!! How did you get so wise???!!"

She laughed bitterly and said, "From painful experience. And I did it twice. I had to beat my evil sister to death in order to get a little self-respect back.

I said, "Thank you for telling me that. At least I can sleep better knowing that the duplicitous whore I talked to tonight wasn't always that way. Meanwhile – it's been a long day. So I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I fell asleep with the boat still rocking in the wind. As I drifted off I made up my mind not to lie to myself any longer. Kari Whitman was one hell of a woman.

And even if I had sworn off the critters I couldn't stop wondering about what life might be like with a person as tough, smart and incisive as Kari was.

The next day the Post had the story on the front page of its internet edition – under the bold headline, "Senator Simp-Sin!!"

CNN picked it up as did all of the national outlets. Gold had kept his word and not named Janet specifically. But that didn't stop the media juggernaut from rooting around like a pig after a truffle.

Eventually Janet's name surfaced.

By the print edition her face was plastered all over the national news. Which of course hung the horns on me in spectacular fashion.

The media jackals found out where Janet lived. So she left our condo chased by a ravening pack of reporters and paparazzi. I watched the commotion on the local news outlet. It was heart-breaking that somebody you once loved could look so thoroughly defeated.

I knew that they would be coming after me next. So I cast off and headed for the mouth of the Potomac. It was an all day journey but I was laid up in a deepwater cove off of Point Lookout by late afternoon.

My mysterious disappearance and my intelligence background set off a firestorm of speculation that lasted for the usual fifteen minute attention span of the media.

Dickhead had been protesting all day that there was no truth to the rumors of infidelity - that those were lies that had been concocted by a jealous husband.

So I used up all of my data plan to upload the uncut footage of his misadventures to selected porn sites. Then I emailed the URLs to TMZ. The global interest THAT generated nearly broke the internet.

Given the rumors that were floating around town about the President's involvement with Simpson's "mistress" - I am sure that the White House would have ordered a rendition if they thought that they could get away with it.

Instead, our noble leader settled for throwing Simpson under the bus and then backing over the body several times. The scathing indictment that the President released concerning Simpson's morality and ethics was a study in DC hypocrisy.

The amazing thing was - that all happened in a thirty-six hour time-frame.

Then Gold dropped the big one. Thanks to what I had given him, the researchers at the Post had an easy time following the slimy trail to Simpson's buried treasure. So the evening print edition came out with a long and detailed story of corruption and Washington insider cronyism. It was under Gold's byline.

I thought, "Do I smell Pulitzer!!???"

There is nothing like the hint of scandal to get all of the political wagons circled. His pals in the Senate forced Simpson to "resign" by early the next morning. Then former Senator Dickhead found himself in the process of being indicted by the Attorney General for extortion and bribery.

His wife had returned home to daddy – who owned most of the valuable parts of that godforsaken State. The enforcement of the pre-nup was a given. But Daddy also hinted in his Today Show interview that he was looking into ways that his pet legislators could make drawing-and-quartering legal back home.

I really love it when a plan comes together.

I made the requisite phone calls as I was exposing my soon-to-be-former wife's hijinks to every wanker on the world-wide-web.

I had always had a college buddy on personal retainer. Given what we do, legal advice is an essential component of the private Intel business.