Conversations 04 - That Christmas

I never bothered to turn the house lights on, I let the flicker of the colored lights provide my entertainment. I sat on my sofa mixing my drinks in a large water glass right in the living room, mourning the loss of my marriage.

I heard a car engine. Someone was racing up my street. The poor little car was screaming for relief. The sliding of tires in the gravel should have been a warning that danger was coming right at me. Fucking kids racing around, they're going to pay to replace that fence this time! That was the only thought my muddled brain could muster. I didn't even have the energy to go yell at them.

I hardly noticed the front door opening. It all happened so fast. It was the impact of the envelope I had dropped off for Fi early that brought me to my senses. Fi had burst through the door, frisbeeing the divorce packet at my head. She hit me square in my forehead. I guessed that's exactly where she was aiming.

"You bloody bastard!" Pissed Fi sounded a lot like drunk Fi; her accent was always stronger when she lost her filters. I focused on her standing in the living room screaming at me. "Do you have some slut lined up already?"

"Wha...what are you talking about?" I stuttered back at her, I'm not sure if it was the whiskey, the surprise, or my depression, but my responses were slow. I felt like I was stuck in mud.

"You want a damn divorce already!" Now that I was focusing more, I saw that her eyes were on fire and her hair was wrangled back into a high ponytail. She was standing square to me, her hands on her hips, till her right hand pointed accusingly at me.

"Wait a minute!" I was catching up, "You had me served!"

"I never asked for a divorce!" She screamed into the room.

"Bullshit. I have the originals right here." I picked up the forms from the coffee table and flung the copies at her. They scattered at her feet. She picked them up, strutted over to the light switch, and brought some light to the subject. She stood there, as beautiful as ever, reviewing the documents. I struggled for a second to adjust to the new light source.

"Chris, I've never seen these before. I know this firm, but I didn't ask for any papers to be drawn up." Her tone was relaxing. I could see her body softening. Confusion moved across her face.

"Fi, I was officially served last week. I assumed they were from you. Who else would file for divorce?" I tried to stand but fell right back to the couch. Drinking triple shots of cheap whiskey with a splash of eggnog on an empty stomach wasn't my brightest idea.

Fi made her way to the couch and sat next to me. It appeared that she had a moment of clarity. "This is the company's law firm. I don't know this guy here." She was pointing at the name of the person who created the document. "Preston had been pushing me to file since he found out I was staying at my sister's, but I told him I didn't want to divorce you."

"That fucking bastard. Could he have these made without your knowledge?" I decided to stay seated since I didn't fare well trying to stand up.

"Maybe. I don't know." She dropped her hands and the papers to her lap as she turned to look at me. "I don't want a divorce, Chris. In fact, I was going to invite you over to Bon-Bon's to spend Christmas with us. She convinced me today to reach out while we were out shopping.

"We need to talk, Chris. But not about this," she said as she held up the documents. "I'm sorry I walked out on you. I shouldn't have said what I did."

"Fi, I've never wanted anything more than just to be able to apologize to you and to figure out where we go next." A sense of relief washed over me. "But to be honest, I don't think I'm in any shape to have a deep conversation with you right now." I pointed to the bottle of whiskey that I was making a good dent in.

"Feeling sorry for yourself?" She had a hint of teasing in her voice.

"Well, yes. I thought I had lost you and I was determined to drink myself stupid to forget." Her look of empathy brought solace to my damaged soul.

"That's probably best." She got up and went to the kitchen, coming out with a second glass and a tin of popcorn we kept on top of the refrigerator. She turned off the lights as she sat down next to me. "Looks like I have some catching up to do."

Handing me her glass, I poured a liberal drink as she fussed with the tin. Fi slid in closer to me. She rested her head on my shoulder. We watched the flashing lights of my pathetic tree, casting their rainbow glow across the room.

"That's got to be the most wretched tree I've ever seen," she giggled as she took a sip of her drink and made a sour face. "Damn, that's strong."

Looking at my little tree, I started to defend my choice. "It's all they had on the lot. And I guess I felt it was all I deserved."

"Oh Chris, I still love you as much today as I ever have, but you know how much I want a baby."

"I know Fi, and I love you more than ever."

We sat there in silence, watching those blinking lights flash out of sequence, and feeling each other breath. Her warm body felt good to me. Resting my cheek on Fiona's head, we sat in silence sipping our drinks late into the night.

I woke up later, in my bed. I vaguely remember Fi helping me find my way there. I glanced to my left and was sad to see that Fi wasn't there with me. Her side of the bed looked a little ruffled, but I wasn't sure if she stayed here with me or if she went back to Bon's house. She left a bottle of Gatorade and a couple of Tylenol waiting for me on the nightstand. I gave a weak smile and appreciated her thoughtfulness. I would rather have had her beside me instead.

I made my morning visit to the bathroom, then heard rustling downstairs. My heart picked up for a moment. It must be Fi. She was still here. Making my way slowly down the stairs, I was hit first with the scent of cinnamon. Then by the warmth of the fireplace that roared in the living room. I couldn't help but smile. Making my way through the kitchen's swinging doors, I found the love of my life in just a t-shirt and panties working her magic in front of the stove.

I wanted more than anything to sneak up behind her and to take her into my arms. But I thought better of it. We were in better shape than we had been in weeks, but we weren't 'fixed' yet.

"Good morning," I smiled with a standard greeting. "I was afraid I had only dreamed that you came by last night."

Turning, she gave me her best smile, the one that warms me every time I see it; the one that gives me hope. "Good morning, love," she said before turning back to the stove. "Can you handle some breakfast? Grab a cup of tea then go sit at the table and I'll be right out." She sounded almost cheerful. As I looked for a cup, she took that moment to give me an update on our plans for the day. "We were supposed to go over to Bon-Bon's this morning, but I called to tell them we'll be late. They're going to do a small Christmas as a family this morning, and we can join them this afternoon if you want."

"Yeah, that sounds good." I grabbed my cup of tea as I headed out to the dining table. I'd never been much of a tea drinker, but after living with an Irish woman for six years, I'd become accustomed to it. She came out and set a plate in front of me. It was a full Irish breakfast--sausage, baked beans, eggs, and grilled tomatoes. She must be feeling good this morning. This wasn't a normal breakfast for us; it was usually saved for extraordinary days. Except for the pounding in my head, I was starting to feel that today might be one of the special ones.

"The toast will be out in a minute. Then I'll join you." Fi hesitated for a second. "Then I think we need to talk." I nodded in agreement as I took a bite of my breakfast. I hadn't eaten well during the past few weeks, so I was certainly enjoying Fi's cooking now. It's not that I can't cook, but rather that I didn't have the energy. While I was enjoying Fi's culinary extravaganza, I absentmindedly wondered where all the breakfast items came from. The last time I looked in the refrigerator, it was full of half-empty pizza boxes and beer.

Coming back out with toast, marmalade, and her plate, my wife sat down to my right. "What have you been eating? I had to go to the market this morning. You had nothing worthy in the fridge. And I threw out all those boxes. I can't believe you lived like that."

I recoiled a little. By the look on her face, I thought that it may have come out stronger than she meant. I took a breath, relaxed my guard, and smiled. "I reverted to some old habits. I haven't been feeling like myself lately." I tried to make it sound nonchalant and non-accusatory but I'm not sure she took it that way.

She looked down at the table. "Chris, I'm sorry I left that way. I let my temper get the best of me. Both Bon-Bon and Brandon told me I was wrong, but I was already committed. Then I was afraid." The last confession trailed off, barely a whisper.

"Afraid of what Fi?" I thought I may have known but I wanted to tread lightly. I've been wanting to have this discussion for weeks, but I didn't want to turn her off and lose any ground I'd gained, no matter how little it was.

She looked at me like I was stupid. "We said some awful things to each other. I thought I might have lost you, and then when you gave me the divorce papers, I was sure I had."

"Okay, we have a lot to talk about so let's do this one point at a time." I paused a minute as she nodded at me expectantly.

"First, you can be sure that you'll never lose me. I will never quit on us. But when we run into issues, we do need to talk things out, not run and hide. Leaving the way you did wasn't helpful. So, can we promise each other that, no matter how difficult a disagreement becomes, we will work it out together? Even if one of us must sleep in the other room? Can we do that?"

She gave me a cheeky grin, "Yes, dear. We can do that."

I smiled back at her; I do love my fiery woman. "I've regretted saying that you were broken. I can't tell you how sorry I am about what I said and how badly I want to take it back."

"You didn't say I was broken; you said my pussy didn't work!" I could see the anger returning to her face. "Do you know how much that hurt?"

"No, I guess I don't." I wasn't sure how to respond. Again, I felt it was best to avoid agitating her, so I used my calming voice.

"I was already feeling less of a woman, Chris. I already felt broken. Bon-Bon and I were raised to believe that our purpose as women was to give our husbands a family."

I interrupted her. "Fi, that's an outdated mindset. That's not your purpose."

She was quick to jump right back in. "Chris, I know that! But it was how we were raised. You've never treated me like I was nothing but a baby machine. And I love that about you. But it doesn't change the fact that I want a baby so very badly. I want your baby...ours. Nothing would make me happier than giving you a houseful of children.

"So, I was already thinking that you felt there was something wrong with me and then you confirmed it. I thought that you felt it was my fault."

I could see that Fiona was revealing her worst fears to me. She took a sip of her tea as she watched me for a reaction.

"Fi, that was a cruel thing to say. I would love to have a little carbon copy of you. A sweet little girl who is your best mixed with mine. I want that so badly myself. But I love you. I'll love you whether we have any kids or not. There is nothing," I paused for effect, "and I mean nothing, that's more important to me than you are. It killed me to watch you grieve each time we lost a child. And I worry about your health. As much as I want a child with you, I want you more. I want you happy, healthy, and whole. If that means that I have to sacrifice having a child, I'll do it a thousand times in a thousand lifetimes with no regrets." It was my turn to watch her react. I could tell she was fighting her emotions.

"That is why I love you so much." Her voice trembled. "But your baby is what will make me happy and whole. Having a baby with you is what I need. I'm willing to risk my health and all of our money to do that."

Now I could see that her emotions were raging just under the surface. "I shouldn't have said anything about the money. It isn't important, Fi. I guess I was trying to express how we're putting our other dreams on hold to follow a single one. Truly, what I was trying to say is that I'm worried about you. Every time a treatment fails, or we lose a child, your emotional well-being is endangered. That's all I was trying to say. I did it poorly, and I'm sorry I did. I don't care about the money. I'll live in a tent if I must. As long as it's with you. Nothing else matters."

We sat there watching each other quietly, looking into each other's eyes, trying to read one another.

"What if we plan on trying again in June? That would be six months from now, hopefully enough time for your body to heal and recover. What if we visit a counselor?"

Over the past few weeks, I'd given a lot of thought to our future during the evenings while I sat in this big house alone. I negotiated with myself about what I was willing to give up versus what I wouldn't. I broke the problem down into wants and needs. I wanted a child, but I needed my wife. I was willing to try IVF again because it would keep her in my life. That's what I needed. A child would be a heaven-sent bonus.

"You want to go for marriage counseling?" She appeared a little shocked, sounding like maybe we didn't need it.

"Sort of, mostly grief counseling. I think that I...we need to find a healthy way to grieve our losses. And while we're at it, maybe we can get some advice on how to better communicate with each other. I think we both made some major mistakes here."

Fiona looked into my eyes thoughtfully. A smile crept across her lips. "Yes. I'll agree to that. And if we aren't successful in June, I think we can talk about waiting a year before we try again, as long as you don't give up on this dream. It's really important to me that we do everything we can to make this one come true before we work on others."

"I agree also, as long as we maintain an open conversation. But you have to agree that your health comes first."

She nodded her agreement. I wasn't sure how that would work. I wasn't sure if I was just giving in or if we were coming to a meeting of the minds.

I continued, "I'll keep doing what the doctor says to do to improve my sperm motility as well. It takes both of us." I paused and then thought it might be best to plant one other seed.

"Fi, there might be a point when we may have to accept that we won't be able to have children, and maybe talk about adoption. Yes, I know how you were raised, but if that happens, it won't be because you can't give me children. It will be because I can't give them to you. I won't be happy with that, but I sure can live with it. Maybe you need to be less hard on yourself."

"I think you know my preference, but I'm willing to think about it. First, I want to hear our doctor say that she doesn't think that IVF will ever give us a child." Fi was drawing a line in the sand; I was good with that.

I helped Fiona clear the dishes. We chatted idly as we worked as a team. I knew we had more to talk about, but I welcomed the reprieve for now. We refilled our tea, then got comfortable on the couch in front of the fire before she spoke again.

"Chris, I apologize for bringing Preston into our conversation. I had no right to."

"Yeah, what was that about?" I was truly interested in knowing where it came from; it seemed to come out of left field at the time but as I dwelled on it, I think there was something else driving it.

She shifted uncomfortably before she spoke. "I made the mistake of mentioning that we're having a rough patch after losing our baby. He must have heard about it from someone in the office and he started to come by and offer me support. Having a history with him, I felt comfortable sharing our issues."

She paused in thought before continuing. "I see now that it was a mistake. He reminded me that he had two children and made sure to tell me about how easy it was for him and his wife to have babies. I guess I let him affect me. He made fun of you and since I was still mad at you, I let him. For a minute I let him in-between us, I truly regret that."

"You know how much I hate him for how he treated you. You should have never let him into our business. He was just looking for a chance to try and get you back. I'll never trust him Fi." Now my anger was building up, fueled by how Fiona let that bastard back into her confidence.

"I realize that now, Chris. I threw him in your face because I knew it would hurt you. Because he has been inserting himself into my life so much, it was the first thing I thought of that would make an impact." She snuggled closer to me, and I could feel how tense she was. She let out a deep sigh. "You're ten times the man he'll ever be, honey. I could never love him again nor could I even come close to loving anyone as much as I love you. I promise I never did anything with him."

"What about that time I saw you guys leaving work together? What was that about? He sure looked like he'd won."

"That's when I realized how much I had hurt you. The look on your face broke my heart. He was just walking me to my car. He had tried to get me to go out with him, but I never did." She looked up at me and I could see in her eyes that she was telling me the truth. "I stopped sharing with him after that. I now see him for what he is--a snake. I realized that I had fallen into an old trap. But that look..." She paused and looked around the room trying to regain her composure. "I told him that if he didn't leave me alone, I would tell his wife that he was hitting on me."

"Did he stop?"

"Yes, we haven't talked in over a week. I thought I got through to him." She gripped my hand tighter. "Honey, I can't express how much I regret letting him back into our lives. Please, can you forgive me?"

"Fi, as long as it didn't go any farther than you say, I can." I could see her eyes narrow, and I quickly reviewed what I had said and recognized my error. I quickly tried to adjust.

"Fi, I trust you completely and I believe you when you say nothing happened." I could feel a bead of sweat on my forehead. Damn, she did make me nervous. "It's just, I don't trust him. I'm sure he's not done with us. By the way, how was that relationship going to work? Did he want you to be his side chick?"

She giggled; I think she enjoyed seeing me sweat. "No, he said he would divorce his wife. He said he made the biggest mistake of his life when he cheated on me. He wanted me to think that he would marry me, and things would be different this time. He promised me all the kids I'd ever want."

She stopped abruptly, like she may have said something wrong. I think we were both being overly sensitive with each other. "I'd never want to give him babies, Chris. I see how he treats his kids and wife, and I know how he treated me. I would never put myself or my children in that situation."

"Okay, Fi. So, what about the divorce papers?" I thought that I might now understand what Preston was doing, but I was interested in her take. "If you didn't send them, who did?"

"I was looking at them this morning with a clear head. I don't have a lot of experience, but a couple of things made me suspicious." She stood up and retrieved the original documents and came back, practically sitting on top of me. "See here," she pointed to the division of assets portion. "There are no specific details. I'd never give up my car. I would need it. Why, why sell it just to get half?"

"I thought that was strange. That's why I suggested giving it to you in my version." She gave me the good ole stink eye when I said that.