Death in Absentia

She opened the little box and found a gold charm bracelet inside. Each link in the chain was a different letter of the alphabet spelling out 'THANKS FOR EVERYTHING -- LOVE'. Hanging down from the letter chain were seven charms; one for each one of her children. She looked up at Jason and smiled ear-to-ear. Only when Bethany wobbled over and tried to take the gold bracelet for her own did she wrap it around her wrist and clamp it shut. It was hers and it meant the world to her. Her son was coming back from an unimaginable tragedy that stole him from everybody. "Thank you God," she thought to herself.

The kids were playing with their new toys and Mom was making breakfast so Jason snuck away to the den and closed the door. He was sitting at his desk reading one of the papers from a pile on top when Mom knocked gently on the door and opened it. She looked at what he was doing and then up at him.

"I just want you to know that I'm not a snoop or a busybody but I do clean up around here occasionally. I know what that is. It's your will. I won't apologize but I read it. I think what you're doing is a fine thing making arrangements for Jeremy and Bethany's welfare after you're gone. It's the right thing to do. But I also take out the trash and I found a note in the trash can that told me that you're thinking of a lot more than their welfare. You're thinking of your own death. You're planning something that I can't even imagine. Now don't try to tell me that I'm an old woman and I'm thinking crazy thoughts, I'm not! You are! If you think that your kids would be better off without you then you're the crazy one. They've already lost their mother, don't make them live through the loss of their father too. Think of the people you leave behind, the pain and the suffering you would cause them. Think how it felt when Alycia left. We would feel just as bad as you did. Think about us. Don't do what you're thinking about doing, I beg you."

Jason looked down sadly as he listened to the wisest person he'd ever known. He was embarrassed that she was right. He was a fool for even thinking about what he was planning to do. He would have to talk to Doctor Harper about that after the holidays.

"Come on, breakfast is ready," Mom said solemnly.

May 20, 1988 (Friday)

"Jason? What are you doing here?" Barbara Ross came over and put a hand on his shoulder.

They were both standing in the parking lot of the office where Alycia worked a year ago. It's been exactly one year since she disappeared. It's been a pain filled, awful year for Jason. The worst part was telling two very young children that their mommy was never coming home again. He had to say that she wasn't in heaven when they asked in their own childlike way if she had died. He couldn't say where she was. He just cried and hugged them. He cried a lot.

"I don't have anywhere to go," Jason sobbed. "When someone dies you can go to a cemetery to visit them on birthdays and anniversaries. When someone just up and vanishes there's nowhere to go. Alycia disappeared one year ago today. I thought that I'd go to the last place that I knew she was, here in this parking lot. I don't know what else to do."

Jason stood with his head down and his hands jammed deep in his pockets. He was openly crying. With one foot he pushed around a small pebble on the asphalt not knowing what else to do. One year later and the pain was as real and as intense as it was the first day.

Barb came over and put her arms around the stricken man. "Come on inside. Let me get you a cup of coffee. Maybe Harry has something stronger we can put in it. We'll celebrate the life of our friend together."

Arm in arm they walked across the parking lot and into the little office building leaving a trail of tears in their wake.

Chapter 2: Ghosts

The ghosts of the past which follow us into the present also belong to the present moment. To observe them deeply, recognize their nature and transform them, is to transform the past.

- Trich Nhat Hanh

June 25, 2011 (Saturday)

"What therefore God has joined together, let no man put asunder. I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Jenni and Tom kissed for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Littleton. Jenni's sisters, Bethany and Rose, smiled from one side and her brothers, Jeremy and Robert, from the other. Tom's two brothers and two sisters filled out the octet of bridesmaids and grooms on the dais. Everything was beautiful. So far everything had gone off without a hitch.

Maureen tightly held onto Jason's arm as the bridal procession walked past on the way out of the church. Jenni winked as she strutted down the aisle noting the tears running down her mother's face and the broad proud smile on her father's. This was the happiest day of her life. She knew nothing about the anguish boiling within her parents.

The reception was lavish, the food exquisite, and the band loud. Everybody continually complimented the parents of the bride for having such a lovely daughter. Jason was the epitome of a proud, happy father. But Maureen was always two steps away keeping a watchful eye on him. Everything went flawlessly. As the reception began to wind down, with only the serious party-goers still dancing and drinking, Jason and Maureen snuck out through the kitchen and found an empty picnic table under a stand of trees where they could sit and relax for a while. Maureen sat on the bench and put her head on her husband's shoulder.

"That was the most beautiful wedding I've ever seen," a very proud mother said as she scanned the area for prying ears and eyes. "And we were pretty great too. We smiled the whole time and nobody ever suspected a thing. How are you doing?"

"My face hurts. I think I've used smile muscles that I've never used before. There was no way I was going to let anything ruin this day for our little girl. If I had to super glue a smile into place then I would have done it. Four down, one to go."

"Huh? What's that mean?"

"Four kids married off and only our little Rose still at home. When she's gone then we can take that second honeymoon that we've always talked about. Sunny Italy - gondolas, cathedrals, pasta, wine, and all the things we see in the travel brochures. Just you and me in a little countryside villa drinking wine and making love, all day long."

"Ummmmmm, that sounds wonderful."

The breeze gently blew through the trees as the two wedding refugees sat quietly holding each other close. There was a calmness about them that was like the calm before a storm. It was quiet and peaceful at that moment but they knew that soon there would be a raging torrent of strife and emotions. But that was tomorrow. Today was all about love and beginnings and celebration. Tomorrow would be here soon enough.

"Jason, do you ever think about our wedding?"

"Once in a while, whenever I need a pick-me-up. That was one of the happiest days of my life. Marrying you made me a whole person, it made me happy again. Why do you ask?"

"You ever had any doubts?"

"Never! I knew from the very moment I met you that you were the one for me. You took some convincing, but I knew right away. Thank God for friends like Cliff and Iva. If they hadn't taken pity on us then we probably wouldn't be here now."

"Yeah, they are good friends. I wasn't sure about their invitation that weekend. I thought I was just the poor old widow lady with two kids that they felt bad for and invited to their barbecue. I almost didn't go. I didn't know until much later that they asked me to come so I could meet you. Iva told me that they thought we might hit it off and could possibly help heal each other's pain. Boy they were they right."

"And Cliff told me that there would be a beautiful lady friend of theirs attending that I had a lot in common with and had to meet. I thought you would be a mental case like me, but what he meant was that we both had two kids and had lost our first loves. When I saw you dripping barbecue sauce all over your chest, I was in love."

Maureen looked into his eyes and repeated the words that she had said thousands of times before, "I love you too." The quiet echoed with her words.

June 27, 2011 (Monday)

"Hello?"

"Hello, Mrs. Woods, this is Officer Pellegrino from the county police. I'm calling to let you and your husband know that we have more information about Alycia Woods. If it would be possible we would like you to come down to the station so we can tell you what we know. We'll be here until six o'clock. How about five?"

"I'll call my husband and get his okay but I think we should be there at five. If we don't call back then expect us there then."

"That sounds good. Oh, and just so you know the Seattle police are very interested in talking to Mr. Woods too. See you at five."

Jason and Maureen walked hand-in-hand into the South Side precinct station at exactly five o'clock. Detective Scanlon met them at the front door and led them to a conference room on the second floor. Officer Pellegrino was already sitting at the table looking over some papers.

Detective Scanlon started things off. "I'm glad you could come. Mr. Woods, we've got some more information to share with you about your ex-wife. I know this might be painful and if you need to take a break at any time just let us know and we'll stop. Before we get started, would you like something to drink? A soda or water maybe? I wouldn't recommend the coffee."

"A soda would be nice," Maureen spoke for the both of them. "Diet if you have it."

When everybody had their drinks in front of them Officer Pellegrino started the briefing.

"Mr. and Mrs. Woods, here's what we know. The Seattle police department sent us a large file about Christine Marx, or Alycia Woods as you knew her. As we told you the authorities detained her in connection with the death of her husband. Mrs. Marx was married to Thomas J. Marx. He was a long distance truck driver and they lived in a suburb of Seattle called Cottage Lake. Mr. Marx died last week when an acetylene tank exploded as he was doing some welding on his truck. The police suspect that somebody tampered with the valve. They're waiting for the results from the coroner's office and the crime lab but in the meantime have detained Mrs. Marx. As part of her processing they checked her fingerprints against the FBI database. They came back belonging to a 1987 missing person from Baltimore, your ex-wife. At that point they knew they had stumbled onto something other than what it appeared to be. With some further checking they found out that she had been married two times before in California and Arizona. Each of her previous husbands also died under mysterious circumstances. Based on what they found out so far they declared her a flight risk and placed her into custody. There are no formal charges yet but since she's a suspect in a homicide investigation they are holding her until they get the results necessary to charge her or let her go. Mrs. Marx works for a travel agency near where they live. A check of her finances shows that she's a fairly wealthy woman. The Seattle police are currently piecing together her movements between the time she went missing here in Baltimore and when she showed up in Washington. They have agreed to forward everything they find to us just as soon as they finish the paperwork. With all the information about people nowadays it shouldn't be too difficult to trace her movements."

Detective Scanlon interrupted at this point and said, "How are we doing folks? Do you need to take a break for a few minutes?"

Maureen had been holding Jason's hand all during the talk. Even though she felt a tense grip it wasn't cutting off circulation so she figured he was okay to continue.

"I think we're okay for now," Maureen replied.

"Okay let's continue," Officer Pellegrino said. "It appears that she got most of her money from her two ex-husbands. She sold their businesses after they died. She doesn't have any children that they can find, except for the two she left behind with you. They couldn't find any blood relatives so we faxed them the list of friends and relatives that you gave us back in 1987. Mrs. Marx has never had a police record in any jurisdiction where she lived. She seems to have been a model citizen these past 24 years. She does have an extensive travel record and her passport has numerous visa attachments. She seems to be quite the world traveler. Well, there isn't much more except that they sent along her mug shot if you would care to see..."

"No thank you," Jason said forcefully putting up his hand.

"OK, then that's all we have at this point except that the Seattle police are anxious to talk with you. They have your phone number and may be calling you sometime soon. We sent what records we had from the original missing persons case to their office this morning and hopefully that will help their investigation into her movements. Do you have any questions?"

Maureen looked over at Jason who was shaking his head 'no.' "Thank you for everything," Maureen said to the uniformed officer. "Feel free to call us any time."

When they left the building the warm summer air was like a slap in the face compared to the air conditioning of the office. It was a refreshing slap, one that calmed Jason down and he was able to release his grip on his wife's hand. They walked to the parking lot and got into their car.

"That wasn't so bad now was it dear?" Maureen asked.

"Uh... Oh... I don't... No, it wasn't so bad," he said finally able to spit out the words. "I don't know what I expected but I was scared of what they were going to tell us. But it wasn't too bad. Thanks for being there for me."

The drive home was silent.

June 30, 2011 (Thursday)

Jason came in the back door and set his briefcase on the table. Maureen was startled when she heard the thud and came running into the kitchen.

"God, you scared me. I didn't know what that was."

She kissed him on the lips gently making that smacking sound that says that wasn't a real kiss, just some formal greeting using their lips.

"Did you talk to them?" she asked standing with her body pressed against his.

"Uh huh."

"Well, what did they say?"

"They asked me a bunch of questions that were already in the report and then they said that they wanted me to fly out there and meet with her."

"What did you tell them?"

"I said I'd have to think about it. I don't want to but I may have to."

"Well if you do then I'll be right beside you every step of the way."

July 6, 2011 (Wednesday)

Jason and Maureen stood outside the Decatur Street precinct doors too afraid to go in because they both knew what was inside: Jason's past and a lot of pain. A young woman in a police cadet uniform opened the door and asked, "Mr. and Mrs. Woods? Welcome to Seattle. If you would follow me I'll show you to the meeting room."

Stiffly Jason and Maureen walked down the hall behind the young woman.

"Wait here please. I'll let them know you're here." She disappeared inside the door.

From outside they could hear a lot of talking, first a man's deep voice and then the higher pitch of a woman. The tone was argumentative and getting louder by the second. The door opened and for the first time in 24 years Jason saw Alycia. She was standing in front of a table with her hands planted on top of the black surface yelling at the uniformed officer on the other side. She looked older and a bit heavier but exactly as he remembered.

"I said I've changed my mind. I don't want to see him. Not now, not ever. Don't you understand English?"

Jason stood in the hall staring at the spectacle on the other side of the doorway when she turned and looked directly at him. Time stood still and silence once again filled the room. Nothing happened for the longest time, nobody moved, nobody breathed. They just looked at each other and remembered.

Slowly but deliberately Alycia sat down and said, "Please close the door." The door closed denying Jason his salvation.

"NOOOOOO!!!" Jason screamed at the closed door. "You can't do this to me again. You can't just disappear like that again. It's not fair." He threw his body against the door banging his fists against it trying to knock it down.

Maureen threw her arms around the hysterical man and tried to get him to look at her, to see her, to come back to her, but he was so insistent on talking to Alycia that he couldn't hear or see anything else. Suddenly from around the corner two uniformed officers ran in and tackled Jason. They wrestled him to the ground as he screamed "you can't do this to me again, you can't do this to me!" After a couple minutes Jason relaxed enough for them to pull him into another conference room. Maureen followed them in sobbing deeply as she watched the man she loved dissolve before her eyes.

It took an hour for things to get back to normal. There were apologies all around. The two uniformed officers apologized because they thought that they had some nutcase criminal going berserk in the hallway. Jason apologized for getting out of hand and taking a swing at one of the officers. Jason especially apologized to Maureen who he ignored completely as she tried to help him.

"I'm so, so sorry. I lost it. I lost everything. I hurt you and I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I love you and don't want to do anything like that ever again."

Even though she was deeply hurt there was still love in her eyes as she asked, "Can we go home now?"

Chapter 3: Renaissance

Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.

- Mahatma Gandhi

September 24, 2011 (Saturday)

Maureen opened the front door only to find her worst nightmare standing on the other side.

"Hello. I'd like to see Jason please." Alycia said without a hint of emotion in her voice.

Maureen visibly stiffened as she stood holding the doorknob unable to think of anything to say. The cause of so much pain and suffering stood just three feet away separated only by a flimsy screen door. The one and only time she had seen Alycia was under Jason's arm before he went berserk in the Seattle police station. All of the things that she dreamt about doing to this woman flashed through her mind; decapitation, disembowelment, strangulation, hot scalding oil, beating her to death with her fists, and other similar brutalizations. She could never do any of them but in her mind she often thought about the possibilities. Now that she stood face to face with her nemesis she found that couldn't act on any of them. She could only be who she was.

"He's not here," Maureen finally spit out with an icy tone. "He went shopping with his daughter. Why are you here? What do you want?"

"I would like to talk to him. I didn't expect what happened in Seattle and I think we need to talk, to settle things."

"Well he won't be back for quite a while. Why don't you leave your number and I'll tell him you were here and if he wants to he can call you."

"I... I'm traveling at the moment and don't have a number where I'll be staying yet. Can I come in and wait? I won't get in your way; I'll just sit quietly until he gets home. You don't have to do anything."

"I don't know if I should."

"Please, you won't even know I'm here."

Maureen tried to think of all of the scenarios where letting her in would be the wrong thing to do but in the end she couldn't believe that any would actually happen. And if Jason missed the opportunity to talk with her and get some of the answers he's needed for so long then she couldn't live with herself. But letting the two of them talk might be worse. It could open doors to other problems. After weighing the good and the bad she simply said, "Come in."