All Comments on 'Different Fathers'

way way way too much telling, nowhere near enough showing. there's an amazing story here but it gets buried beneath a landfill of boring travel log. i just traveled through 6,000 words with these two characters and i barely know who they are at all. i know mom's interesting history but that's it. i have no reason to care about them because i have no investment in them at all.

i lack these things because most of what you wrote was 'We did this. Then she did this.' which is okay if it's only a few paragraphs here and there between scenes of dialog and action to set up the next scene (you know scenes: those things in which characters develop). but you used it as the main body of your story and it didn't balance with the scenes we got at all.

also please get an editor. bad grammar can be forgiven up to a certain point but randomly slipping between 1st and 3rd person perspective is just annoying for the reader.

3 stars for what should have been.

now having said all this. please keep writing. you have incredible potential.

Thank you to anonymous for a real answer to the questions of writing that are learning experiences when clearly communicated. I did take from a sloppy presentation here the critique as a welcome assist.