All Comments on 'Direct to Video Ch. 01'

More character , take the scenic route to deductive seductions. Sex scenes sizzle but not quite as much as they would with more context.

I wanted to see more machinations, more wicked games, more fear,agony & loathing between the ecstasy. When this author learns to ying and yang in harmony - Mercy, mercy,mercy then please MORE !

First draft, then revision, then re-revision, then another read-through and some tweaks for the third revision. The problem with this is that when you make a minor change in a sentence or a paragraph, you're often left with words or sentence fragments that don't make sense. With all the amateur authors here, it's pretty easy to stumble across a break in continuity in a story whose author is guilty of re-re-re syndrome. They may have changed a person's age or attire or physical description or even a name, while going back over what they'd written earlier, but managed to miss that detail in a sentence or two that was simply overlooked.

Or (as was clearly the case in a story posted earlier this week) they might have written a story where the characters are too young to meet the guidelines, and went back to simply change the age, but didn't change the dialog or maturity, so you end up with "eighteen year olds" speaking and behaving as if they were ten year olds.

Or an author might begin a story writing in the first person, then decide they want to write it in the second person, then decide they want to write it from multiple first-person perspectives, and then go back to their original concept. The end result being that the story flows in stops and starts and sometimes has those annoying little lapses in continuity.

You get the general idea.

All in all, for a story you confided was written some time ago, it wasn't too bad, in parts. But it might have been better, and better received, if you'd taken a little more time, cleaned it up a little more, and posted it in two or even three parts instead of this one eleven-page manuscript.

And I like this one. But I have to agree with LordSlamDawg (I hope I spelled his name correctly), the tale really needs a lot more passion and ambiguity. Perhaps a good editor and a re-post and voila! In the meantime, I'll look forward to more of your writing. Thanks.

I enjoyed it. It was a very good story, but there were many errors made along the way. At one point when Rachel was with her mom you named her Kitty, and then switched back to Emma. Attention to detail makes the stories so much better. Keep writing though. I think that overlooking the error was needed.

i hope to be ch 2

Maybe if Kitty and Rachael had only one deed each and you had used as much of the very hot, explicit detail you could then it wouldnt have been such a long tomb. Also less chance for naming mistakes.

A very good read.

You have certainly set yourself up, very nicely for a sequel. Rachael has a step-sister (or was it half sister?), her best friend, maybe other teammates, maybe mother's friends or pageant competitors. Kitty can help her son get girls, continue things with her niece. In fact the niece might make a good antagonist for the sequel. Other ideas, perhaps Kitty's son and Ariel were in this together to get a stable of pussy at their disposal.

I definitely enjoyed the different scenarios and the emphasis on sexy women submitting to things they didn't necessarily want to do... and then began to enjoy them. Keep up with the tone of reluctance transitioning into guilty pleasure.

Thank you for sharing, that was excellent. I would love to see how they turn the tables on Ariel and make her their sexual slave in some way...

I really like your story. It has a very high level....no stupid "just fucking"....

The concept and splitting into scenes/chapters is also great.

Some small mistakes in sense may be neglected as this is one of the best stories i ever read.

Only thing to critizise: chapter 10 fealt a bit "empty"...i expected a bit more of that...

Quite a ride - the blackmail angle spiced up the story quite nicely I think - their reluctance emphasizes how exceptional it is to do such things. You took care to make the story believable and you succeeded - almost. Ariel's demands and her "insurance" felt just a bit too surreal, as did Rachael's and Kitty's determination to go through with it. Then there are the regular editing mistakes and maybe a bit too much focus on anal sex, but neither tarnished the story.

The great thing is, the seductions each had a distinct feeling and approach. The characters' personalities were so realistic, it made you feel sorry for the victims, being manipulated like that, knowing it would probably be a one-off encounter.

What I liked most (and a really rare gem) was Rachael's seduction of Tess and Lyda (the "Never have I ever" game). You made it a perfect game of slowly moving the girls closer and closer, from an ordinary slumber party all the way into an incredible sexual scenario. And all the time, you masterfully kept the action tense and realistic. That one I believed.

hey YKN, best story I have ever read on here hands down haha, thank you xx

Best story I have read on here

It is a nice story with interesting twists and turns. Maybe a sequel is in the works?

The only thing that bugs me is how easily the mother succumbs to having sex with her daughter even though it's mentioned that the mother is rather prudish. It looks like you decided to cut some corners there and get the whole story finished quickly.

I agree, it would be interesting to read a sequel..

It was a god story it was very long and would have been better broken down in to several parts vut still very enjoyable

That was pretty damn good I hope to see more lesbian stories from you (I really liked Michelle and tess's chapters and hope to see more of a similar setting) :) keep up the great work

Two thumbs up, here. The scene with Tess and Lyda has outstanding quality. Ariel's motivation should have been more detailed, the ending comes a bit as a dissapointment. "Honor" doesn't combine well with a character like hers. She could have tortured Kit and Rachael for much longer going into much deeper waters. It was a fun read though.

Noooooo! I didn't want it to end, I really enjoyed the story. I don't know that I have seen your other works but I will be sure to keep an eye out for them now. I would like to have seen Aerial, Rachel and Kitty have a threesome, as if the blackmailed women would have thanked Ariael for awakening their dark desires. I am extremely pleased with this story, thank you so much for sharing.

Truly didn't want this to end. I honestly think this is one of your best stories by some way & the only one I've commented on if that gives you an idea. Wish you'd continue with Tess & Lyda in more , then maybe Cindy too. Along with the son getting in with Kitty again. However, really need to add in the niece & get Kitty to force her to whore out some & pimp her. Then get the mom into a blackmail situation that daughter controls & pimp her out too (Les bdsm/tortue for being so self-centred).

Just a few thoughts, get story.

For a "silly little story" as you said, I again say "I LOVED it"! I too wished it didn"t end as the earlier comment said....so sexy....again a slow buildup with a good story line....the sex is AWESOME...love ass play and how you put it into your stories.

Your writing is great and you should keep writing erotica, you are very good at it and you got me soooo turned on....

1. This story has the necessary elements for a thoroughly entertaining porn novella:

-Love story

-Improbable story line

-Bad guy(s)

-Hot as fuck

In other worlds, this work lives up to the standard of your others.

2. Where in hell is Chapter 2?

Just finished, loved all the blackmail, the les action and the incest.

story and there are a number of points made from which the author could benefit, but I wanted to take the opportunity to thank him or her for taking the time to write and post it.

I loved the story, but the whole blackmail scheme and especially its resolution were rather weak. The motivation behind the blackmail and wanting more tapes of specific people being seduced by Kitty and Rachel was missing. Some may say, "Well, it was for revenge," but blackmail is a huge step to take to resolve some petty high school squabble.

There hasn't been a part 2, but I could see Ariel being a member of some kinky underground lesbian sex club and wanted the tapes to show the members and propose Kitty and Rachel as potential new members..

Wow, complicated story with many corners of sex, but great ending….Love conquers all!

Thanks for this…more?

Beejay3

Good story. As an avid reader of incestuous love stories, especially between mother and son, this story brought out the worst psychological and emotional aspects of Kitty and Rachael. Except for each other, they really did not love nor honestly care for anyone anyone. It is noted that some characters, e.g. husband, niece and mother, did not deserved to be loved. With the preceeding said, Kitty and Rachael would not "bad" people, there simply was no emotional nor psychological with anyone. They created their own "hell" and were drawn into other people's situations to the point where they did not cared who or what they did to others.

First I found too many errors throughout the story, second, I totally lost too much interest in the meaningless tale. I found it hard to follow the confused actors, male & female to make any convincing since. Last .. you need a Spell check checck, and get the pronouns straight. Too many times you left the 's' off of she, getting 'he'. I liked the first story you wrote, (that I read), where you suggested we read this story. This was not better. Strange that I can't recall the name of it. In that one, the grammar and spelling left much to be desired for smooth reading. You have a good imagination. Now you need a good proof reader... Lots of luck in the future . Now, don't feel bad, most good writers use proof readers, grammar and spell checks . Harry

Basically a good story. But definitely needs a proof reader if not also a good edit. As for the story line, I really needed for something BAD to happen to Ariel aside from that weak-ass insurance gambit about dope.