All Comments on 'Donnie Dates His Family Pt. 02'

You need an editor to review your work. It is more than you not knowing how to spell spell "masturbate" (it's tUr, not tEr). There is the sloppy changing and mixing up the names of the character, multiple times throughout. At one point you have Donnie "waiting on his bed in the hallway". Which is it to be? Or does the poor boy not have a a bedroom, and has to sleep in the hall?

Your careless overconfidence and inattention to details subtracts a full point.

Otherwise it is a hot fantasy story. Keep writing, but get some help.

I had fun reading this but you really need to get some one to proof read for you or spend more time doing it yourself. I don't care that much about grammar or simple spelling mistakes, but when you start confusing the characters names within the same paragraph it is difficult to read. In the last paragraph alone you have Tanya watching Roxy and her son having sex and she starts to masturbate but you call her Roxy. Not the only time that it happened in the story.

I am looking forward to see what you come up with for your next chapter! Very much enjoyed so far!

Great story t stars. One thing is that you get the names mixed up like you called amber nikki and tanya you called roxy but besides that i love the story.

I just had to make this comment because I felt that although your story was compelling, there was a couple of things you need to watch out that you seem to repeat throughout the story. When you have names for characters, you need to remember who you are talking about at the particular moment because you seem to confuse which character is doing what and when. Several times you confused Amber with Nikki and you also confused Tanya with Roxi. near the beginning of the first chapter, you also called Donnie David. Also some of the grammar was confusing when you used the wrong adjectives and pronouns. A good editor would likely be able to clean this up or you could use Grammarly. Overall, none of these things deterred the reader from understanding the story, which was quite good. I don't usually comment on this kind of thing, but since the story was quite good, I thought maybe I would give some useful critique. Don't get me wrong, I actually loved the story.

you got someone to teach you how to write coherently and, most importantly, how to PROOF READ and why PROOF READING is so important!!

Yes, an extremely HOT story and yes some grammar issues but spelling check will help. However, the mistakes do not take away from your intense and arousing story. Now, the officer having viewed the Mom, daughters and son all screwing etc. must be convinced not to take them to jail or court; so Donnie will have to screw her very well to gain her trust and silence. Hopefully, the Mom and daughters will help Donnie convince Officer Tanya. This should be a very hot chapter. Thank you and cannot wait for more.

A GREAT story and I look forward to the next chapter indeed!! However, as others have commented it would be even better if the grammatical errors were fixed. So instead of 'hey' it was 'her' and also even right at the very end the officer's name is Tanya so it was Tanya putting her hand into her panties not Roxy. As I said though apart from these issues, it was a great story to read.

If you would like some help with proof reading please let me know as I would be happy to help.

Keep up the great work. 😉

hope to see chapter 3 with the moms twin coming home and the neighbor girl trying to figure out what’s going on next door as well as what Tanya the cops going to do hopefully it ends in one big orgy

One of the best I've read and who cares about grammer just keep them coming¡!!!!!!!

Twins will always have the same number and the same sex of children as their twin. No exceptions. If one twin has two daughters and a son, so will the other twin. The order may differ, but they will have the same number of children, always. I know, I was married to an identical twin, she had 2 boys and a girl, as did her identical twin. the other twin a girl and then 2 boys, while my wife had 2 boys and then the girl. and many studies on twins have proven this over and over again.

I don't really care about spelling and grammar in these stories as even books I buy for my kindle have mistakes the editors missed, but the one distraction is when you switch character names as in the final part where Tanya is sitting in the old tree house and you suddenly are calling her Roxy saying she is watching her neighbor fuck her own son and obviously Roxy is the neighbor. You did the same thing with names in the first chapter. If you don't fell the need to have an editor you need to at least proof read stories to catch that mistake before posting them.

Other than that one complaint I think the story is great.

Yeah I agree, how hard is it to keep the has straight. Just self edit. It is very distracting.

If you cant self edit yourself you need to get an editor. You repeatedly screw up the names or change them completely. It's very confusing taking away froma very hot story.

Um yeah, so a proofreader or an editor. Badly needed.

Looking back, not only were names swapped on occasion, but there seemed to be some confusion about familial relationships too. Even for an OTT wish fulfillment story internal consistency is important.

This Tanya is really annoying

Tanya is a cop, they are annoying by nature. I agree with previous comments that although hot, it needs some serious proof reading, not just the characters but also where the story line skips or just doesn't flow smoothly or make sense in places....

In your last paragraph Tanya Becomes Roxy. Sloppy

Good job; thanks for sharing your work!

So many women, so much sex! It's good to be a young, hung and eveready stud!

Just keeps getting better and better. Enjoying this story immensely. Great plot and characters, especially interested to see if Donnie can work his new found sexual magnetism on Officer Tanya! Thank you for sharing your vision and talents.

It would be wonderful if you proofread before publishing to at least keep your character's names correct. Sloppy. Other than that a good story.

The part in the restaurant with Jade was AWESOME!! The unexpected humor caught me off guard and was laughing so hard my stomach hurt!!! It read ok, ignore the grammer nazis, if it's too hard for them to read to bad!

Thanks for sharing

You need to keep the names straight otherwise it becomes to confusing to keep track of, as well as destroying the flow. The characters lack depth. This story is being judged on sex alone as the story is lacking.

You mixed up the twins' names a few times, but I still enjoyed it.