All Comments on 'Don't Look Like a Seal Pt. 01'

you have no idea about POVs. You announce the story is in first person, then begin the story in third person. You constantly move back and forth between points of view. In first person, the reader only sees and hears what the main character sees and hears. There can be no action or dialogue used if the main character is not present in the scene. You cannot have two random people share a private conversation.

Keep writing, but please find an editor that actually understands how to edit a story and keep your POV constant. I suggest you write only in third person until you actually understand first person. I very much like your plots, but you really need editing help to reach your high potential. Thanks for posting this story!

Aside from the POV discontinuities there is one piece of information that you messed up. Marine medics are all U.S. Navy Corpsmen. And Marines are right fond of them.

I look forward to seeing it continue. If it were me I would disregard any negative comments left by Anonymous. If they don't have the balls to own their post there probably just OTR (on the rag) and need to be an ass.

@AlwaysReady64

So far AI hasn't had any negative comments added to this chapter, these are more constructive criticism. They literally say, "I like x, but you could do y a little better." Authors accept that or move on. Negative is more like, "You're gay and your mother dresses you funny." Those types of comments don't help.

That being said, it's a little odd getting a prequel to this story as a sequel seemed like a stronger option. I'm looking forward to the story and how you further develop the characters from this point.

Great. Hope to see the next chapter soon.

Great start! Good to see you're back, and this old sailor will forgive your 'Marine medic' faux pas. ;) Looking forward to the next chapter!

Love that you decided to do the prequel...but I also hope you finish the original as any one in mil Intel can attest if you cross on cia agent you cross the agency...we were left with him in their hand so I know he ain't going home yet...

It always improves my day to see a new posting by AuroraIncident, and this prequel did not disappoint. Loved it.

As the husband of a best selling author I have to point out that this is in total storyline conflict with the "Rescue" series, which I enjoyed very much by the way.

The wife spends many hours doing a chart when there are multiple characters and then refers to that if they come up again in another series to keep the continuity.it includes any import date items, contacts, hook ups, and fetishes or scenes done. Yes she writes erotica so having a person who loves oral later hating it is a really storyline problem that readers will always catch. This wouldn't mater of course if the names were different because its different people obviously. You should have changed the start to have Michelle not show up due to being elsewhere and not able to get back. This would cover the start in "Rescued" where they first meet at the Voss's swimming after he started the night security gig and it would flow with the references to the kidnapping. Additionally the info of her going to Australia to work on her masters would not be in conflict with her doing things in Orlando to finish her masters. It's just a time continuity thing you have messed up on here and in order to improve as an author its a major point to be fixed if you are going to do linked storylines.

I only have taken to time to bring it to you attention because I too enjoy your story telling and the style you use. I think with an editor to help you that you have a lot of promise as a writer.

Loving the prequel, looking forward to part 2. Any timeline for that?

Well it's a great start ... it seems Rescue was great and New Girl needs a finish, but bring on some more chapters, keep up the great writing

Eric

Marines have medics, they are called sailors. They may have brotherhood with the Marines they take care of, but, they are still Navy.

Marine Sgt 1993-1999

Do I need to read the rescue first?

Great story, but ...

Someone mentioned the 1st person/3rd person conflicts, and someone else noted the need for an editor, and the need to keep related stories straight.

I'll take the role of the dreaded grammar nazi. You need to improve the punctuation, not just because so many commas and colons are missing, but because the writing flows much better with proper punctuation. Google fanboys, and I don't mean the movie. If that's a problem, use an editor or proofreader to fix the punctuation and rare misuse of words.

All-in-all a first chapter that has me hooked, but better grammar skills would have set the hook much deeper.

I read the rescue then came here. Everybody, seems to be on you about editing. If I can follow the story and I am entertained I’m happy. Keep up the great work.

Since your first story, your writing style has markedly improved. Better spelling, punctuation, sentence structure and flow...a much easier read. I feel that you're more comfortable and adept writing in the 3rd person as opposed to 1st person, though. Everything moves forward more smoothly than compared to your writing from Ken's POV. I understand why you do it, marking Ken as the primary protagonist. As always, a good premise, and I hope we hear more from that group. Maybe some individual backstories?

Uh oh! The chapter ends with the question, "How could it possibly get any worse?" Heed my warning. These are the words from the Gospel According to Murphy, Patron Saint of screw ups. "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Anything that can't go wrong will still go wrong."

Not great but very good story so far, keep writing, maybe a little less dialogue for the girls.

Best advice I can say so far... check details. Marines don't have medics. Navy corpsmen work alongside them on patrols. They are often called the Devil Docs, and will never pay for a drink if a marine is in the same bar.

sorry, stopped reading during the traffic stop/abduction. They would have been done in 30-45 seconds after pulling the girls out of their car, straight into the van, then zip tied, gagged, blindfolded and been gone with a team member driving girls car away. No evidence of anything happening. can't see read 6 more chapters.

I'm enjoying it so far...

-jaye-

Enjoyable so far, I’m not down with milspec terminology, so am not at all concerned with any mistakes or omissions regarding it, unlike those who used to use it and see breaches of it as tantamount to burning a flag. The characters are a bit predictable and the plot hasn’t moved that much, both of which could end up being an issue, but of course if the head perp says “I could have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids” I’ll pretty much forgive anything. 😉

UltimateHomeBody do not recommend the rescue first. all the same characters, but totally different relationships. made it harder for me to keep tracking with this one. that is my advice to the author, if you are writing about the same characters multiple times. have continuity. gave it 2 stars for this reason.

I loved the slow build up. It reads like a mainstream novel, not a usual wham bam thank you ma'am Lit story. Probably that's the reason for the catty comments. Most readers expect every story to be of the latter type. But too much of that becomes somewhat boring. I appreciate the build up. And the expectation of a great take off. I'm giving you 5 stars for your effort.

Interesting start. Looking forward to see how it develops. I like the slow build up style. BardnotBard

Stopped on line 2, after reading „hanger“ twice. That is what I put clothes on. A plane goes into a hangar. Sloppy writing at its best. Stop insulting your readers!