All Comments on 'Dream Drive Ch. 04'

Was this inspired by SAO / Log Horizon by any chance? IDC either way, I love this story

Unbelievably well-written. Just everything about it is awesome. Plot, characters, growth, world-building. Don't stop, this story is far too cool to go unfinished.

You've certainly captured our imagination with this tale.

This is by far one of the best stories I have read on here. Excellent job, thanks so much for all the hard work you must have spent on this!

Fuck yeah.

*click*

*scroll to bottom*

...15 pages.

FUCK yeah.

*reaches end of chapter*

FUCK YEAH!

*realizes it's gonna be at LEAST a month before there's another chapter*

FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Wish this was real life

I had to go to work half way through reading this chapter and I wanted to call out. I must say that this story pulls you in and leaves you wanting more. Thank you for giving it to us.

Ben

Fantastic work - the story always pulls me in. The wait for the next chapter gets harder every time!

One minor quibble about wording - on Page 1, the sentence "a beautiful, mocha-skinned beauty was languishing next to him" reads a little off, since the word languishing means "be forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation" which isn't quite the tone you are looking for - maybe lounging is a better idea?

This is great!! Your doing a great job! Infind myself checking back every other day just to see if a new chapter came out even though I know it's not gonna be reqdy that soon. I would read this story even if there wasn't sex that's how much I like it. If you ever need/want an editor or proof reader I'd be glad to do it. Keep up the good work and can't wait for more!!

Toxiic

This is amazing. Cant wait for more. Well written, and a very interesting universe and scenario. Loving the way the real world and isis interfaces with each other.

The only thing that bothers me slightly is the references to games and stuff from our time. It just feels like your own personal taste is shining through, which drastically messes with the readers suspension of disbelief ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suspension_of_disbelief ). It feels like those comments are directed at the reader, more than at the characters in the story, and that is a huge turn-off for me. I have no problem if Rachel and Jackson bond over some obscure videogame reference, but final fantasy, monthy python and indiana jones at the same time is over the top. And the snarky comments on the Crystal Skulls was obviously just your own dislike, which would earn you point with your readers in a conversation - but in your story it just feels out of place.

Other than that? I love it. Once i started reading i couldnt put it down, even though i had a ton of other stuff to do. Great job!

Contrary to popular belief, there are actually several distinct types of ADD, and it DOES sometimes persist into adulthood -- the 'hyperactive' part usually goes away, (though not always), but the rest of the symptoms persist.

Speaking from personal knowledge here.

Your stories have so far blown me away. I can't wait for the next chapter. As a video game fan I can only gove you one recommendation, had a karmic system in Isis. For exemple evil deeds would change Jackson power and appearance. Much like in Infamous or Fable!

As several people have suggested, yes, this story is definitely inspired by works in the same vein: Sword Art Online, Log Horizon, and Ready Player One, Accel World, and Neuromancer, to name just a few. Hopefully I can pull the great things I like about them together and put my own touch on it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and criticisms. I appreciate every word!

@ Subedar:

How am I supposed to feel when I realize I've been misusing the word "languish" for years? YEARS, MAN!!

This is by far, one of the best stories I have ever read on this site. Keep up the good work. I look forward to your next installment. I love the premiss and the situations.

Thanks for mentioning those other books, these should sate my needs for awhile :) I love well written stories in this genre!

Very well written and thought over stories..once i started reading i couldnt stop reading..you are an. Amazinng writer

You, sir, are the cruelest possible human being to leave me to agonize over what happens with that kind of cliffhanger. Your writing has turned this site from a place of erotic literature to a place where I read my favorite sci-fi thriller. Amazing work!

I demand more of this greatness don't know how i missed the beginning of this series but I need more

Can't wait for more. I will be checking this site everyday for the next chapter(even though I know no human can write this fast). :D

You my friend are an amazing author. Hands down my new favorite

Wow this is one of the best stories i ever read and you have a good taste with video games (fuck ff13 hail to the spheroboard) sry for bad english

First time I've ever posted a comment after 8 year's here. Bravo!

Your world, characters, and writing style are addictive. I am sure you don't need anymore "atta-boys," but I am definitely a fan.

The most encouraging thing to me now that the fourth chapter is in the book is your pacing. I think it is easy to get caught up in your ultimate ideal for where your story is headed (a universal "you" here), and end up being in a rush to get to your glorious ending. But your (non-universal "you" here) story (and RPGs) are full of side quests, interesting relationships, and non-focal characters that give a truly great protagonist fully formed flesh and blood Please keep up the relative slow pacing of your story and take your time.

Keep up the amazing work.

Stop posting it here and put it up on Amazon. Seriously, it's better than a bunch of stuff I've paid money for.

It crushes me that this isn't a complete book yet and that I have to wait for the next chapter. But I'd rather get periodic chapters than wait another ?year for the published version, so start a kickstarter page, we'll fund you taking time off to keep up the pace! Whatever happens though, this is great, great stuff.

You're definitely the Man

At the risk of inflating your ego, your story is truly an amazing read. I have long been a fan of stories that have sex in them but still focus on a real story so this is perfect. It also hits home and relates to probably many of the people on this site because well, I would bet a lot of them are gamers such as myself. Thank you, and please keep up the great work. I will be very depressed if this story dies like so many others.

Dude this is truly awesome stuff.

Can't wait for the rest of it.

Could not stop reading since I started..

although in the first chapter in episode I must edmit I read cause of the ratings

I was addicted. It hit all the right spots.

I never bother commenting, but your story is very compelling

Keep up the amazing work.

Awed

Pulled an all nighter and finished Contractor, eagerly awaiting Prisoner :D

My Man, Come on... dont make us wait, just keep up the high standards

I've never played video games, and this story makes me want to start.

amazing work!

I don't often comment on Literotica, but I love your whole concept for this story. There's so much you can do with the world you're creating here and I hope it develops into the epic storyline that these first 4 chapters have hinted at. Your writing style also has a nice easy flow to it. It just lets me immerse myself in your imagination. The sex scenes were good, and I'd love to read more, but I really appreciate the the underlying story is strong enough that I would read your work even without the sex. You're definitely going to be one of my new favorite writers.

Awaiting for your next chapter .. Lets us know when it's coming

Excellent. Really excellent. Your publishing rate is prodigious, and the quality high. Your story is intriguing, your dialogue and character motivations reasonable. Jackson's psychomotivational complex is a little weak, I get the feeling that it's yours. Your character must transcend your beliefs, if he is to find them to be the truth. Don't spew it, have him discover it. The power of apathy is the best example of how you're already doing this, do it with more of what he already assumes to be the truth, like government intrusiveness. This uncomfortable extrapolation on Jacksons psychology via dialogue and heartfelt outpourings stuck especially in the longer scenes with Shaka and Liandri after Jackson conflicted with his mother. I just started skipping the paragraphs. I get what you're trying to say, but he gets a bit sappy and purple for your writing style. Rachel was especially well done. The first few pages that included her had me on a knife's edge for her next action, and I came away with conflicting feelings about her, obviously the intent. You keep writing, and you'll have me as a loyal reader, however much that's worth.

I hate to give ratings on stories. A five star should be long and engaging and without any typos. Characters should make you smile and cry with them. Normally, I would just bookmark your story and follow along without adding to or taking from your Puissance. IMHO you should get four stars. But, I'd hate to see your rating go down because I have higher standards than most. I don't read that many things below 4.6 anyway so you're in not trouble. I bought Contractor to tide me over but, waiting really sucks. Here's to hoping you have a light semester. And a few 5's.

I agree with everything that "anonymous" said on 8/17/14. I can't wait to read more! Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Great story here. Also I ordered your book from Amazon and couldn't put it down after I got into it. Look forward to reading part 2 of that along with more of this story.

Some one knows how to write freakin amazing stories. Gave this story a try last night and couldn't put it down til I was caught up. How am I suppose to survive 2-4 weeks? Ugh...

Dude, drop the med path and pursue writing if it is what you like. You have the talent. 5 stars and damn dude. Please be as irrisponsible as I was in college and put your school work off.

A truly amazing story, once I started I was instantly hooked! You have a wonderful talent in writing! I only hope that you can find the time away from study to continue the story as often as possible!!

Eagerly awaiting the next chapter!

I keep screaming at the screen whenever you add essence to vitality and not agility. I'm having fun regardless :P

Loved it thus far

looking forward to the continuation =)

An amazing story, wuthoutt a doubt. Better than SAO and The Gamer, it's not as borinfg as the latter and not a crazy clusterfuck like the former. Addinfg Indians was a great idea. They are really awesome, so is both worlds you built, tthe rpg and cyberpunk one.

Butt the real jewels are the characters, Jackson is your standard hero from shonen mixed witth JRPG's one, but better, butt he does need more personality, Chaki is a great supporting character, fully formed and round, and she likes the same things I like in a woman :). Boonta is an excellent second ratte villain, and you resisted the urge to just turn him in a plot device, instead making him a full charactter. Shaka is awesome. Rachel is my favourite though, please please, make her a member of tyhe party in the next chapter. Move the plot!

My criticism are the lack of showing in Jackson PoOVs, he needs less tell.

I have read a lot of the highest rated stories on literotica over the years and I have to say that this story is the BEST STORY EVER! I cannot wait to see where you go with the addition of Rachel into the story, with the interactions going on in the "real" world, as well as the different elements of the "game". I wish you luck with finding plenty of time for your writing and I am eager to see Dream Drive Ch. 5 pop up in the future.

Outside of erotica, I've read a lot of fantasy sci-fi, and I have to say that this is very well written and captivating. I can't wait to see the next chapter. Keep this up. I'm enthralled.

When i read the first chapter i was hooked i read for 10 hours straigh and then i had to go to work... I skipped sleeping because i could not stop reading.

I would like too buy the book :-D

Will be checking for a new chapter daily.... Keep up the good work its really really really good

First I'd just like to say keep up the good work, I love the story so far. My request is a simple one, my kindle, where I do most of my reading on literotica has a reading view that makes reading stories so much easier. But, it seems that certain symbols mess with the formatting of it and I end up missing large parts of the story when there are breaks in the story using ###. My request is that you switch to using *** as this doesn't seem to cause so many issues. Looking forward to the next piece of yours.

I'm not gonna lie. I've been checking in here like 10 times a day to check if the next chapter is out yet. I can't wait!

Very good story. Can't wait to see what happens next.

..ow!

She definitely put the ow in wow just then. Great job! Keep up the good work.

Yup. Hooked like a wiggling little fishy, Monty Python references and all. If it wasn't 2:30 AM and I hadn't promised I'd try going to bed earlier, I'd press on to CH 5. There's always tomorrow ... 5*

Words can't express how much I love this story!!! I was actually crying during the bonding part. Then the Final Fantasy references were like icing on the cake. I can tell you are passionate about this story. It feels very real. You are by far my favorite author here. I love that it's an amazing story first with erotic parts included, rather than the other way around. You really need to make this into a book and publish it!!! I am an avid reader, Isaac Asimov being my favorite. There is a ring of his style in your writing. LOVE IT!!!!!

Your first chapter was amazing , but the story just keeps getting better. yo dude your pretty talented, and the story is thought provoking and different from any other virtual reality stories.

Your story has so much potential. You can make it into a book even if you wanted. You have enough content and plus if you make each world up the tower as a book themselves, you have an immense story.

I would buy your book.

I checked, but during this chapter you put 30 points into strength, giving you 30, when you had already put 20 points into it. So, in fact, he had put 50 points into it.

I haven't read the rest of this chapter because it has been annoying me that he has been saving so much essence, so perhaps you rectified this mistake in the future. If this is the case: I apologize.

His saving essence is annoying though. I mean, what did he think would happen when it went over? It clearly states he needs Spirit to increase. Not that it matters at all, and it fits his overthinking, naive, and conservative character traits.

I really enjoy this story. Not a fan of the main character. He is an idiot that is barely using his supernatural advantages and would be stumbling towards his inevitable demise if he wasn't the protagonist. That being said, annoyingly stupid is infinitely better than all knowing and all powerful. So all I can say is "thank you, thank you, thank you" and look forward to his ass being beaten and him learning and growing from it.

Adore the story.

but there are still spelling & grammar errors and narrative/realism problems that detract from your talents. One of them was suddenly dropping "but his OCD was going haywire" at the beginning of the Ch.

That one caused me to go back to Ch 1 to see if I had missed something. Nope. Then you just abandoned the mention. WTF?

In the same paragraph(s), you also tried to go futuristic, but then abandoned the thread & went present day, to wit:

"... hopped into the shower. Praise be to the electron. ... a modernized scrubbing was..."

While you haven't specified a date, you give clues this is the future, (post 2014), so the reference to "the electron" makes the reader think of a "modernized" waterless shower. Then,

"toweled off. The mirror had fogged up, ... He rubbed it dry."

So... did J use a "modernized", "electron" scrubbing device, or did he take a shower?

Someone above mentioned suspension of disbelief, (SoD), these seemingly minor narrative conflicts are damaging to the readers SoD. Well written & well constructed movies allow the viewer to forget the character is Bogart, Streep or Pacino, (who have played a myriad of roles); they BECOME the character.

The same is true in literature, good plot arcs, investment in character development, AND good spelling/grammar and no narrative conflicts/reality errors, (expect an email re: this topic) are what allow the reader to attain SoD. But it takes all of them, not just the first two.

I realize this is feedback after the horse has left the barn, but I'm hoping you are hard at work on Ch 10 and my comments will influence that Ch & beyond. Besides, I would bet you have another tale or two rolling around in your 'punkin' just waiting to get out in the future. I'm impressed enough with your talent to want to harass you into improving the technical aspects of your writing.

Regards,

GeoD

Considering that the MC is an expert Gamer, his decisions regarding essence are horrific. His lack of investment in the Spirit stat - despite his own recognition of its importance and his existing bonuses to points invested in that stat - is so irrational it is infuriating (at least to a reader like me). Such behavior wouldn't matter if you had not made essence and stats and combat such a central part of your story. But as an author once you decide to make some specialty a core part of your writing (whether it is intelligent character building re: RPGs or forensics science re: Mysteries or Firearms and bullet specs re: Military novels), you take on the additional burden of demonstrating expertise in that area. Oftentimes, you educate your less knowledgeable readers regarding that specialty so they can better appreciate the story.

In terms of correcting the above flaw, you only need a some relatively simple edits to show the MC investing in the Spirit stat and then a few sentences here and there showing the benefits of that decision / the increase in his power / casting abilities or whatever. Similarly, the MC would have earlier invested in a few points in all the other "0" stats to see what impact a few points would have on their person.

That last guy is right about the stat management. The thing that shines through here is Demons/dark souls, in that the stuff that levels you up also serves another purpose, and there are diminishing returns. In fact, you even kept the same soft cap, 40. But then it all goes to shit.

Diminishing returns encourage a jack of all trades. diversifying your stats ensures that you maximize the stat gain per essence. I think it's pretty clear that anyone reasonable in this context would level each skill to the soft cap (probably vitality > strength > spirit > agility > the other stuff...are there six stats?) and then emphasize vitality (which has huge payoffs, given regenerating health, sheer tankiness, and the cost of hitting zero) up til the next cap, provided there is one, and so on. Obviously greater emphasis on skills that apply to your chosen class, I suppose.

The reason this doesn't work like the souls game is because of leveling. The value of an individual essence doesn't diminish, as it does in souls. So the cost to put a point into a stat never changes, just the payoff does. Additionally, there was commonly a target level of about 120 in souls games, for pvp consistency. It let a specialized class hit soft caps in the relevant skills. But there's no reason to stop leveling in this context.

Finally, there's no class specific gear, perks, etc. you get better at what you use. But using a spear doesn't make you better with a sword. So what value is there in a me lee focused specialization? Sure, strength will help both, but also being proficient with magic won't hold you back.

I love this story, but this stuff has been driving me nuts.

Words, Acrane is the language of the demons, their power comes from death and destruction. Divine is something that is creating, safeguarding. That could be how Words work, That black box is Arcane, demon's power. Second time round i know where the Divine power item coms in, will i be right or not?

JC

A wonderful story, full of imagination. The nit-picking quibbles are ludicrous.

I really enjoy the story so far. It has been better than many of the enormous multitude of fantasy novels I have read. If you ever manage to compile this into an actual book, Im confident in its capability to reach best-seller seller status!

Keep it up! I'm thrilled to be allowed to enjoy your work!

best wishes,

Sejobas

kinda like a mix of diablo and piers anthony mixed together

This is a really entertaining story, with a really rich mythology - fantastic science fantasy. Obviously, there are fairly apparent sources - you do run a lot of the standard archetypes for life=game, but you do a great job of highlighting and accepting that legacy and making it your own. The romance is nicely handled and not too overbearing; Chaki is great, I'm liking Rachel, Sophia was a great exploration of self-image and character creation.

I will fight you over your slander of FF XIII though. Let's be real, Sazh was the best thing to happen to the series in time ;)

I look forward to reading the rest - keep it up!

Otherwise Unknown

To parallel stories I like that mix. Some old history and new tech, a good combination. I don't know the gaming terms, I have confidence in your ability to drag me alone with you, Tatonga.

Going to the beach, see you all there, ill pick this back up upon my return from the sunlight and blue sky's. Were probably going to be a bit overcast.

Surfs up dudes and dudetts.

Great story, interesting character and leaves me wanting more. The only criticism I would give is that the part where you explained about Jackson's world and the history of it felt a bit like an info dump. Maybe that's just me though.

your writing, my good sir.

is absolutely superb.

Again i am wondering where one would draw the line to being a dick and just pointing out stuff, but asking that question would just be dicking around anyway...

page 1,

"We've proved it back in my world." 'proven' rather than 'proved'

page 4,

"it alone does not love make" i suppose it was meant as 'make (up) love' or 'constitute'

page 5,

"'ifs' and 'might-have-beens'" i'd recommend putting the plural 's'es outside the qoutation marks, it improves readability a little bit

page 6,

"The Chinese housing bubble collapsed, and as they struggled" without comma infront of the 'and' might be better

page 7,

"that he was leaving up at a rapid rate" I suppose it was meant that he was 'leveling up', might have simply been some kind of ~error correction~ program earning its name...

I must say i am horribly amused by all the culture expressed near the end.

Wow brother. Just wow. This chapter really picked things up for me. I feel totally invested now. Great work. Can’t wait to see where this goes. It’s been a while since you’ve posted. I think. Hope all is well and that you start a new project after this one.