All Comments on 'Extracurricular Activity'

thanks for sharing.

but not bad at all.

Good story. I found it plausible, with an original plot, so far as I know. You might want to work on expressing people's emotions a bit more. I have trouble with that too, but of course it's easier for me to see in someone elses work.

Well, it's better than just good, very good. Pace is good. The story itself is believable, the characters clearly drawn, the events reasonably realistic. The irony of the coach's assault leading to the team's loss was a nice touch. The story merits a five for all that.

Y

ou've done such a good job that I am hesitant about criticism, but I do believe this could have been an even better story had you fleshed the mother's personality out a bit more....maybe with a brief memory by the boy of a time in the past when she had failed him or his dad Also, and this would give the story a larger relevance, maybe a thought or two about the overvaluing of football. Playing the game for good old alma mater inteferes with study (well over 50% of college football players don't get to earn a degree) but offers the player no pay whatsoever. The injuries so often visited on college athletes while the school makes millions off of their play.

Still, a wonderful first effort and this reader is looking forward to reading more of your work.

find one that can edit. Punctuation is important. Dialogue is not tossed out in the middle of a paragraph. Somehow, SS06 started the idea that milky could edit. She may be good at first drafts, but she leaves much to be desired.

This story was pretty good because of a somewhat new plot line. The son has the scruples in the family. It would have been more believable if the affair had begun recently, but still it was a good idea.

I wish I could write a story as compelling as this one.

Not a bad story but it was about half as long as it needed to be to tell the story without being a recitation of events.

Good job. An enjoyable read, stirred emotion, created tension and had a reasonalbe outcome.

Keep writing. I'll be looking for more of your stories.

-Pulty

As some of the commenters have mentioned the idea behind this story was indeed very fresh and new. It's something that we really need to breathe life back into this category. A story that I wrote a few weeks ago Miracle Man was also one of his ideas. Not just great but an excellent first story or just excellent story period. The end has truly begun!

Nice story and well done. A new twist of an old tale that kept my interest all the way through.

Thanks for posting, looking forward to more

To the gutless English teacher below who commented on MTB's Editing. From the way you attacked her editing skill without giving any specific examples of how or why she isn't a good editor, it just sounds like you are jealous of her. Is it because she edits for a lot of the best writers on the site and has the courage to put her name out there while people like you take potshots but don't have the guts to identify yourselves? She's edited for Rehnquist, Cpete, StangStar of course and a bunch of other writers while you can't even edit your own comment. It really smells like Hater-ade to me. Great story TEB

Pretty sure these editors aren't paid, and readers aren't paying for stories either. This shit is all free and not worth getting bunched panties over. However, as SS06 once pointed out, authors sometimes make changes to their stories after their editor has checked it so the editor might have corrected every error only to have the author add something, change something, etc.

Either way, the author, not the editor, is the one responsible for story content. The editor is not the one submitting it.

Wow, the mother was a class A bitch! The story needed more dialogue and depth. However, it was good for 4 stars.

Great story, just one thing don't make the main characters out to be stupid like most writers do if the coach and the mother were together were nearly 20 years the husband or someone had to know something and it would show up in others things the wive did in her life.

Interesting to see the effects of cheating from the son's viewpoint. Excellent twist with the girlfriend. Five stars.

Maybe you should about ten more. This one was very entertaining. Thanks for sharing looking forward to your next submission.

I appreciate everyone's kind words. I've been a bit nervous seeing how people would like this. I'm pleased to see it's been received so well.

I just want to address the couple of people who seem to imply that I should have given a bit more of a backstory to the affair and mom's behavior: I wrote the story from the son's perspective, and since he was born from the affair, he would never have noticed anything unusual about his mother's behavior, since she'd literally been doing it all his life. I couldn't imagine a reason why the cuckolded husband wouldn't notice, but since he was a relatively minor character anyway, I didn't feel it was important to this particular story.

I also didn't think it was necessary to explain the origins of the affair. Most stories in this genre, the wife/PI/whatever explain it to the husband in an attempt to save the marriage or humiliate the husband. But since this story was about a cheating wife and her son, I didn't think a mom would (willingly) talk about the origins of her affair with her child. Jerry's the practical type anyway, and the "why" wouldn't matter to him. "That" it happened is the important thing.

Thanks once again for your kind words. And BTW, Mikothebaby kicks ass!

I disagree with the commenter that said after twenty years, it would have come out. When you love and trust a woman, it can happen. How do I know.....it happened to me and she cheated for many years while I worked to support my family. Now there is not trust and no intimacy. I liked the story and I hope you continue to write more stories that are not "the norm."

keep it up - you did good.

So glad you heeded the encouragement of StangStar. Great story...only question is that few HS students have that degree of maturity, but the description of the relationship with Jenna validated that!

but I don't think Jerry could easily condemn them for their cheating, knowing if it weren't for it he would not be born. Other than that, this was a decent first effort. Thanks for the story.

Refreshing. Something different. Sure beats the crap out of the trash cuck stories posting on here lately. I read for entertainment only and your story did just that, entertain. By the way, if there were any grammar problems, the story kept me interested enough that I must have passed right over them. What can I say. Thanks for the read, looking to read more from you. (ML)

the cost, the consequences and whats best. TK U MLJ LV NV

The mom was a bit too one dimensional. It would have been interesting if she got on her son's case about throwing away his free ride, offered consessions to make sure he didn't screw up his life etc. That would have been more realistic, IMO. She may be a wide open road of a whore, but she's HIS MOM! She wants what's best for him.

In fact, that should have been her response, to stay silent to not screw up his ride. Tthe comments of 'Daddy Coach' should have made her FUCKING INSANE. "You want to ruin my...OUR son's ride because you want to keep dipping your wick? He's our BOY, you bastard!"

Eh. Just a little spice I would have thrown in. I found the premise interesting. It needed a bit less linearity, more dialogue and emotion. Jenny was a nice plot contrivance. The boy had all the proof he needed in his DNA.

Thank you for writing.

I recommend to read thecelt "Special Day" after this story.

First it all between a not DNA test proof child and a Dad the connection is better if this child is girl. The daughter Dad connection is more emotional and the betrayed Dad heals up quicklier with seeing into a loving daughter eyes, than the not DNA test proof child is a son. I understand this Dad and son connection had a short time perturbance, which was closed luckily (best man on the wedding).

In thecelt's story "Special Day" Moly the wife did not cheat on her husband after 1 occasion, which produced their daughter, and the daughter organizided the succesful reconcilation.

The son and the Dad were balls...................

BTW Good story. I would have showed a longer epiloge with the picture of the best man on his Dad wedding, but does not matter it is your story 5 stars for a beginner.

How about that! Something new. A CHEATING MOTHER. What the fuck. Thinking back to my childhood, I don't think I would have been as nice to my mother if I witnessed shit like this. Also, the man would not have walked out under his own power.

Check this out. If you can't trust your own mother, can civilisation survive?

HA HA HA

I see no problem in his going to Wesleyan on an academic scholarship. He will probably learn a lot more and have a lot fewer aches and pains in later life!

Very enjoyable plotline, but I would suggest that you work on your dialogue. There are some authors out there who can tell the whole story through dialogue...

Thanks for writing and posting!

Great Story by a new author, who himself is starting to exhibit signs of greatness.

Superb story. Well done, I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and how it all played out. His mother was very unlikeable, and the coach despicable. I think your descriptions were great and the ending was spot on. I really appreciate a good ending.

Your are very talented, I hope to see more from you.

Thank you,

M1

Enjoyed it.

I wouldn't want to discourage someone from developing his writing skills, but it might be worth your time to learn some grammar and to read the story once you're done. The story starts out in the present as narrated by an 18 year old high school boy. It ends up, still in the present by someone long out of college and probably around 30 years old. You should have started from the perspective of the 30 year old and recounted the tale of how you got there.

As with many writers, experienced and not, you have trouble with the use of the personal pronoun. I find you guilty of the very common error of confusing the usage of "me" and "I". I won't go into the theory of case usage, objective case vs subjective case, but I can tell you a very simple way to use the correct pronoun. (That is if you or anyone else really cares about this.) Everyone seems to think it is very sophisticated and correct to use "I" all the time, but it is not correct. The way to tell is to look at the sentence and eliminate the other noun or pronoun and just listen to whether it sounds right or not. For example: "Jenny and I went to the store". Take out "Jenny" and you have "I went to the store." Sounds right, doesn't it? You would never say: "Me went to the store", so "I" is indeed the correct pronounn. On the other hand if you said: "Marty sold the car to Jenny and I." You would drop out the Jenny again and would be left with: "Marty sold the car to I." This is clearly incorrect and should be "Marty sold the car to me" or in the extension to the original: "Marty sold the car to Jenny and me". This is indeed the correct usage. I could tell you that you should always use "me" after a preposition, but that might be a little too technical.

I do hope you continue to try your hand at writing for Literotica. Plot and character development are the most important things you can spend your time on, but for us nitpickers it would be nice to see the correct personal pronouns used.

Keep it up and I expect to read more of your stories.

And if we believe what it says in your pre-amble and bio, you are a beginner!!!!!!! I really enjoyed this story. Back when I had the imagination and energy to write my own stories, I wish I could have done as well. It is well written, it has a new and different approach to LW and the characters are believable enough not to detract from the story-line. With respect, I also like StangStar06 and the common factor is mikothebaby. Great choice in editors!!!!! Like so many others, I am anxiously waiting for your next posting.

Cool concept. Good dialogue. It did read a lot like a SS06 story in many ways. Whether that is the result of your editor being the same or you modelling yourself after SS06, or maybe both, it is noticeable.

I'll keep reading your stuff.

No criticisms other than some that were already mentioned (tense changes, etc.).

Thanks for writing, I hope you write more stories in the same way Stang does. But I am sure you will find your own style of writing, good luck whatever the case you will need it.

For a first attempt, keep it up. Maintain your moral code, your honour and your integrity and you shold go far. You are being mentored by one of the best. I give it a 5*.

not bad for a first attempt. not bad at all.

couple of suggestions - somewhere in your story a simple telling of WHY would have been really welcome. 1) why ARE you telling us all this 2) why did you drop the "biological father" bomb and then walk away from it 3) if mom and coach got together in high school and it's been going on this long...well I think you get the idea.

if you can't answer WHY - WHY should we care

what you did here was a great piece of work for a start, I hope you keep them coming i will look foward to any future work.

Are you Starstang 6 writing under a different name here?

Your prose and style seem familar. Good story, stay with it.

For a first time story this was very well written looking forward to more of your work

Why the hell is this on a erotic story site though ? It's more akin to a anti-erotic story. Aside from that there was minimal ambiguity on the part of the narrator. I'm fine with the choice he made but the straight, unswerving path he took to get there gave the story a flatline dramatic factor.

The philandering coach & faithless mom had moral black hats welded on by author- I'm fine with them ultimately losing but its about the journey , not the destination. What would have been more natural for a 18 year old to have conflicted feelings ?

Intriguing concept but inexperienced execution. Watch more David Lynch : where the good guys aren't always so good & the bad people have ' moments' - where you don't agree with them but you ' understand' them. Debut story , I know- I know but still. Maybe next time.

I can see this developing into a series, as jen & jerry seem to be credentialed as P.I's.

Pay attention to the comments on depth, emotion, and tension, and I expect you to get even better. Getting Miko on your side also doesn't hurt of course.

Bravo

Wulf

And some of it is even pretty good.

The thing is we all need to walk before we can run.

The fact the there were a couple of grammatical mistakes and that certain parts of the story might have been expanded on doesn't detract from the fact that this was a pretty good story. Certainly better than almost all of the first stories that get submitted on this sight.

Me wouldn't worry about the grammatical stuff. Me think it will come with time.

Besides that's what you have an editor for.

For my two cents; and it might not be worth that, concentrate on character development and dialog. A lot of shortcomings in a story can be over looked when the plot is good and the development is done well.

Please keep writing.

Well more of a Sissy than a Quitter. And what the fuck has one coatch to do with playing a sport.

A different slant on a cheating wife story that I though was very good...

An unusual storyline and the story was well written with a good edit.

I liked that the young man stood up for his principals, but I thought the dialogue on that Sunday morning confrontation was a bit too adult for an 18 year old.

A great story, and thanks for the read...

Even though the author asked us to suspend our disbelief in this story that's not possible and that's why the story fails. It fails because the premises seems interesting... What would a spouse/ or parent do to save the life of the child?

The problem is a lot of readers are married so they identified the story to their own life stories and experiences. You cannot write a story about a child fighting off potentially fatal leukemia and then totally screw up the financial aspect to this story. The financial aspect to this story is the motive to WHY the wife did what she did so you simply cannot ignore basic reality on this part of the story.

An author does not have to get every single aspect of the story correct but if you're going to do a story about the pressing financial needs because of extremely expensive hospital care then you have to get the basics correct.

It's like writing a story about how guns work and not knowing anything about gunpowder.

But even if the reader is stupid enough to move past this serious problem the author tries to confuse us by suggesting theres is a connection between what the wife did for financial reasons and the lying and deceit and betrayal. Certainly after the first couple of times

In fact there really is no connection at all. Certainly after the first several times when she was pressured into fucking other men for the boss ... She could've come clean with the husband and a file a massive lawsuit which from what are provided them with more than enough money to take care of all the hospital bills for years to come.

i think you put that comment in the wrong story.

We need good writers. Keep going. I like your stories!

and the explain in KISS. TK U MLJ LV NV

the story begs the question of why Mom & Coach both say the sex didn't mean anything... and they were unwilling to stop. Why were they each married to someone else if they loved sex with each other so much?

In a revision you could fill in the details, answer the questions and get a higher score.

And it doesn't need a recording. DNA test!!

i remember this one - loved it then and now. 5

have trouble handling pronouns.

There's a good paper by another LW author on how to use "she and I," or "the Coach lost the ..... not me, and other uses of I and me. It can be looked up and would help improve these stories if more authors would use proper grammar.

As with previous comment this is another one that always crops up in Lit.

You ensure that she won't get much from a divorce. That's you make sure it will happen. You insure your possessions against loss or damage.

Good tale thou.

Endlessly, the commentators to the Literotica site whine about the poor spelling and other writing errors that permeate the postings. The problem is the reader's.

There are a multitude of word-processing programs, in an endless number of versions, that are incompatible, even by the same teams of code-writer's. Then postings get shoved through a nearly infinite labyrinth of incompatible communication systems and network traffic distribution nodes.

To wind up being reconstructed and re-processed at whatever available computers and software of the week, this site's personnel are using.

That any kind of a legible, coherent message is received by any of us is by the closest measure, a supra-natural miracle.

Plus, you must understand two things about code-writers for word-processing programs. That illiteracy is a requirement to be certified to write said code. And second, that said programmers are homophone-phobic.

When you, the reader have reached this level of comprehension, you may then achieve equanimity. Simply be amused when the wrong word, used in the right context, can be hilarious. Then go on with your lives in peace and tranquility.

Good story, but the storyteller may need to learn a little more flexibility in real life. Just about everyone in the story seemed to be a loser in the end. Question: Who was the winner?

truly someone turned down a free sports ride to a college.

everyone should get a free college education instead of just felons; rapists, armed robbers, deserters, etc, etc.

Integrity rules heh

Well conceived and very well written IMHO

I loved how it worked out - mom was just another selfish self centered bitch who only looked at her life and how it worked not how she might impact others - well fuck her eh?

Coach? a pure SOB from the get go - he got his pussy and wanted to keep it - it was his and he owned - it right? No ethics, no honor, no self respect just take -

I like your original plots!! Thanks.

North American mom's.... I've seen them this evil, greatest lie ever told "a mothers love is everything"..love is rare in today's world, and mom's are just as flawed as the rest, never forget that, never turn your back on them if you are a social worker.

First it's a five.

Second, you'll soon notice all the most negative remarks come from those who choose to remain anonymous.

Third, one commenter suggested our heroes here could go into private investigations. What a great way to start a series.

Fourth, opting to join Jenna at wherever she went was a good decision. Football isn't life.

Last, I would have liked a little more commentary about the wife and coach, the wife and husband. I say that because good stories are hard to put away.

Thanks for a good time.

A very good story from a different person.

And you earned it. Great story!

I hope this author returns to write more.

What a big problem for a kid to have to go through. Fucking cheating cunt mother and a prick cheating biological. The fact he held it together is a testament to his intestinal fortitude. And a happy ending.

Nice

I enjoyed your story. If push came to shove about the cheating slut, DNA could have settled the paternity issue or even blood tests maybe. Write some more TEB. You've started out well. Cheers!

almost as much as some of the comments.

what is wrong with being a "by the book" moralist? Which chapter would you have us ignore? Which vow is irrelevant?

Or is it really "just sex" and it doesn't mean anything?

Give the kid credit for having principles. He obviously didn't get them from his mother or the coach.

The whole story took place in an alternate universe where there is no such thing as DNA, right.

I enjoy reading stories where characters still have 'old-fashioned' values and morals. This kid still had them. The mother was a real piece of work. How could she try to blackmail her own son. She was definitely not a good person. The son and his girlfriend are the real deal. Thank you for writing a real good story. Keep it up!

...4* for an interesting story.

would really like for you to write and post more stories on Lit.

A real straight up kind of guy.

I liked it -- 5*

Straight up ⛥⛥⛥⛥⛥

A whole lot of telling instead of showing.

If the coach and his mother never had the affair, the son wouldn't be here so why is he angry about the affair?

... Because it still makes his whole life a complete lie?

I bet your way of think was on part with his slut of a mother.

Your mere existence should be any reason to excuse the inexcusable.

Protagonist did the right thing, all the way.

Glad the coach got what he deserved, and quite happy he maintained a relationship with his true father ('cause bio means nothing next to raising.)

... However, I do have an issue with main c's current relationship with his mom, namely that he has one at all. It would have been way more fitting for him to cut tight with the cheat, especially given her lack of accountability and remorse for her actions. Seriously wished narrator made it clear he has very little contact, if not at all, with his mother - alone, without her family, is exactly how that whore should have ended up.

Except for that... nothing, but sunshine.

Good plot, well handled and entertaining read.

What more can you ask for?

Top ratings from me.

An original LW plot! Innovative. I struggled a little with the apparent maturity of the son to stand up to his mom and his Coach. But then I thought; this kid is probably pretty big and used to dealing with high visibility situations on and off the field so maybe he could keep his cool and confront the adulterers.

The writing needs work. A little more dialogue and emotion during the confrontation and some deep anxiety, anger, venting, etc when he leaves the house. I think the writing will mature and make the story even better.

Based on your other stories, I would not have expected this. This was a damn good story.

5 stars for an original story with the bad guys losing.

You really brought the characters out. Very good story.

Really nice to read something about a young man who's upstanding and moral. He heard a bunch of bullshit and called them on it. He didn't let their situation or the possible destruction of his family stop him from doing the right thing. He was a really great character. I loved his girlfriend and her parents as well. In the end even his teammates were decent about it, although they lost the game. Justice got served, the guilty were punished, and the good people flourished. Can't ask for a better outcome than that. Nice work.

. . . Please try to learn the difference between using “me” or “I.” It’s distracting when you don’t use them correctly.

Catch some but unless extremely bad no worries

Cheaters caught and punishment

Put morality over all

Excellent

The only thing the kid had to do was...was ask for a DNA test and that would put his mother in her place...nothing more needed to be done...it would have made this story more interesting if the son had asked...and to see how she reacted to the question... But the story dies a little their.......

Could be greatly expanded.

Let's resubmit it after fluffing it up a bit.

Decent story, Far better than much of what people have been cheerleading here for some time.

Yes a DNA test would have ground their superiority to a halt, beyond that hiccup it was a decent read.

YOu get the non-cuck seal of approval.

Excellent!

Justice was served. Wow, what a scenario. Very original..

But why didn't the cunt get prison? My only regret.

Five Stars

Actually, once his fellow inmates learned about his association with Penn State and Sandusky I'm sure the coach became quite popular.

First story was good. Next two went downhill.

If only there were more like Jenna in the world!

If there were more people like Jerry and Jenna this world would be a better place.

Good people with good values are rare and should only marry each other, let scum marry other scum.

⭐⭐⭐⭐

Clever, well written story. Thank you for your time and talent. DMW

Very Good! Very Refreshing!