Falling

"I never saw Shelly again. I don't know if the car hit her, and she died. Or if she just couldn't find the way home, or if she knew... she knew when I pushed her out of the car that I was not worth coming back to."

Tears were flowing freely from my eyes now and I at least had the comfort that Karly couldn't see them. That she couldn't see a monster like me crying over what I had done. How I had tortured my only friend. How much pain I had caused the one thing in the world that actually cared about me...

"My mom started going to the bar with Nelson every night. We moved to a new house when she lost her job, in a shittier part of town. I was alone... I was alone all the time. My mom was asleep in the morning when I woke and by the time I got home from school she was at the bar. I went to sleep alone."

"I was scared all the time. I heard noises from outside. Sometimes Nelson left his dog, Terra with me. She was a pit bull. She was brown, and she only had three legs, because she had gotten hit by a car. One of her back feet was hurt too, from a different accident, so it was a little short. She wore a little kid's tennis shoe on that foot to help her walk. I would help her put it on, and I would tie it for her, and I would tell her I loved her. I loved Terra. She was the best dog ever. She protected me and she kept me company. One time, Nelson got angry at me and I thought he was going to hit me. Terra bit him, he told me the next time I made that happen he would kill Terra."

"Sometimes Terra would stay with me and keep me company. She would lay with me on the couch and I would share my food with her, because she didn't have her own food. But most of the time Nelson took Terra with him, and I was alone. I hoped Nelson fed her when he took her with him."

"My mom and Nelson fought a lot. He beat her. Sometimes in front of me. Usually in front of me. One time my mom asked me why I never stood up for her. But I was so small... the next time they fought, I tried to stand up for her. He hit me. It was the only time he ever hit me. He was scared of my dad. My dad was a scary person."

"I ran to their bedroom and I got a rifle. I remember that he had my mom on the ground and he was punching her in the face. I turned the corner and I raised the rifle. It wasn't cocked when I pulled the trigger. He took the rifle from me and he pushed me on the ground, and I just knew that he was going to kill me for pointing it at him. He didn't do that though... he put it to my mom's head. She was screaming for me to go. She was begging him to not kill her in front of her son. She told me to run. I ran to my room and I hid under the bed. I prayed to God for Nelson to not kill my mother. He must have been decided to take pity on me that night, because Nelson didn't kill my mother."

"I used to get mad at my mom for leaving me alone. She told me she would spend every Thursday with me, and I remember how special I felt. She did for a few weeks. And then she would spend every other Thursday with me. Then it became she would take me to the store and buy me a toy and a happy meal and take me home before driving to the bar. One night she took me to the store and I was going to buy a Ninja Turtle. I wanted Donatello. He was my favorite. We went to the store. They didn't have him. I got a different one instead. On the way home, my mom's car broke down. We walked home and she yelled at me telling me she hated me. How if it wasn't for my stupid toy she would be able to be with her boyfriend. She made me walk home alone in the dark while she went to the bar."

"We started to never have food in the house. I can remember going to the store around the corner and using some money I had found to buy food. I hid it in my room so I would have something to eat and no one would steal it from me. I only shared it with Terra... but I ran out pretty fast."

"My dad came by unexpectedly. He took me out for food because I was crying about how hungry I was. He took me from my mom. I was nine. I went to live with him and things were better in some ways and worse in others. My dad terrified me. With my mom there were highs and lows. With my dad it was just one long period of sorrow. He didn't want me. He didn't want to be a parent. He got angry at me a lot. He didn't hurt me, at least not often. He was so hard on me all the time. I had no will of my own."

"My mom hugged me when she was better. She loved me. My dad never hugged me. Well, he hugged me once. I was about eleven. I was feeling really sick, and I did something wrong. I remember I was standing in the bathroom. He was lecturing me and I was standing there just wishing he would leave me alone so I could be sick. I was going to throw up. I wasn't paying attention. I remember him asking me if I thought I was big enough to stand up to him now. I didn't know what he was talking about, I hadn't been paying attention. He backhanded me. I fell into the tub behind me. Blood pouring out of my nose. I threw up on myself and I started crying, begging him not to hurt me. I told him I was sorry I hadn't been paying attention and that I was feeling sick."

"He cleaned me up and hugged me. It's the only hug I can remember him giving me. There may have been more. That's the only one I remember."

"My mom was mad at me for going to live with my dad. She moved away. She would call sometimes. Not usually but sometimes."

"She eventually moved back. I could remember she was supposed to come and get me for the weekends. She usually didn't come. She wouldn't call, she just wouldn't show up. I would get ready, and I would be so excited, and I would jump up every time I heard a car. But sometimes she just never came. I knew it was because she didn't want me. It told myself it was okay. Nobody wanted me."

"When I was 12 I moved to a new school. I made friends. I finally started to fit in. I started to feel normal. Then I got really sick. I got a nosebleed at school and ended up in the hospital. I had a bleeding disease and missed most of the year. I kept up with my studies and went into middle school."

"My life got worse then. I was always afraid. I was big and soft enough to be an easy mark for kids at school and I got bullied mercilessly. I used to eat my lunch in the restroom to keep people from beating on me. My dad continued to terrorize me at home. I always let him down, and he always let me know that I'd let him down. I remember walking home, so scared that I was shaking. I can't remember why. Maybe it's not important. Maybe my brain is just throwing a switch."

"In high school, I started to think a lot about the gun my dad kept in his closet. I really wanted to use it on myself. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to stop being scared all of the time... The only reason I didn't was because I was scared that I would find something worse on the other side... at least here I knew how much pain there was..."

"My dad started getting more and more physical. Finally, I decided to leave. I went to the only place I had. I went back to my mom. She took me in... and, well, you know the rest." I lay there. The pain was still there. It felt better, but I could still feel it. It felt better having talked about it, but now I just felt empty. At least when it first hit me I had something, even if it was pain. Now. Now I felt like an empty shell. I lay there on my side and wept silently. My eyes closed. I just wanted sleep to take me. It refused.

Her arms were still around me. They no longer felt like ants, but they offered no comfort. They felt the same as the bed beneath me. Information to be processed. "You can go now. I'm better." I whispered.

She wrapped herself around me and for the first time since dinner it started to feel good. "Go to sleep baby, you need to sleep." She said fiercely.

I felt drunk. "It's okay. I don't blame you. You can go. I don't want to be with me either."

She just held me tighter.

We lay there for a while. Sleep took me after a while. I woke, but didn't stir when she got up. I wouldn't try to stop her. It would be better if she left. At least it would be better for her. It hurt knowing she was leaving. Worse than anything I had ever felt, but I knew she would leave me. Everyone always left me. Especially if I loved them...

I thought my pain was deep before but now... she didn't even wake me up before she left. She didn't say goodbye either...

I heard her go into the kitchen. I heard her pull out the chair. I heard her weep. I knew I shouldn't have let her see behind the curtain...

I heard her voice, "Mom, it's Karly...."

She was calling her mom. Someone must have responded because she was quiet.

"I know it's late."

...

"Yes, I'm okay, but something happened."

...

"No, we're both okay. Well, I think we are."

...

"Mom, I don't know what to do."

...

"It's Gabby. Something happened. We left dinner and he just started to shut down. We watched a movie. I tried to cheer him up, but he was like a completely different person...

"He wouldn't talk mom, he just, like he went into a coma. He just rolled over and faced the wall, and he kept asking me to leave..."

"He told me about his childhood... Mom, it was so bad. I've never heard things like this. They starved him! They made watch things that are... inhuman, they made him believe he was responsible. And through it all he was so alone. So alone. It was like what happened to dad, but mom, this is so much worse. This happened for 15 years. His whole life is nothing but abuse and terror and hopelessness...

"His mind is broken. Like it's held together with nothing but string and duct tape." Ouch... that hurt.

"He's holding himself together with sheer will. Dad was right. There is no give up in him. I would have quit a long time ago."

She was quiet for a long time, her mom was most likely telling her get the hell out of there fast. To not stay around that ticking time bomb for one more second... "Mom... I'm not coming home tonight." I felt hope blossom in my chest. My eyes opened. 'Why would she stay...?' I thought to myself.

"I can't leave him alone right now."

...

"No I don't think he'll hurt himself."

'Don't put it past me... I'm crazy. Crazy and broken.' I thought.

"Will you cover with dad for me? I don't want him to know about this. It will worry him and there's no reason to worry him."

...

"Thank you mom, you're the best..." it dropped to a more serious tone... "also... I love you. Thank you for taking care of me. I have a new appreciation for that. Thank you."

...

"Yes. I'll call if I need help with anything."

...

"No. I think he'll be alright."

...

"I know mom. I'm sorry too. Thank you for helping us."

She came back in the room and sat in my comfy chair. I could feel her eyes on my back...

She finally got up and crossed the room and laid down in the bed with me. Her arms wrapped around me. I said, "You should go now. There's no reason for you to get in trouble with your family because I can't control myself. I'm better now."

Her hug got tighter. She finally let me go and pulled my shoulder towards her. I didn't feel the need to curl up around my pain anymore, so I let her pull me onto my back. She crawled on top of me, spreading her legs over me. A part of me wanted to respond to her... but I was just too tired. She laid her head on my chest, and wrapped her arms tight around me.

Finally she sat up, she looked into my eyes, then she ran her fingers over my face... and then put her hand to her heart. Tears filled my eyes and I tried to close them in my shame. This one, one small thing was like the sun on my heart for a thousand years. It was like all the pain had gone. I knew it wasn't but for the first time I could ever remember it let up.

I gently grabbed her face and pulled her in, kissing her gently. I broke the kiss off and ran my fingers lightly over her face, and held my hand to my heart. "I'm sorry..." I whispered. "I'm better now."

She leaned in and kissed me again, her lips tender. "No you're not. But that's okay..." she whispered.

My arms found the strength to curl away from their sides and wrap around her body. They found their way under her shirt, enjoying the smooth skin of her back and exploring their way up her body. Our kiss became more and more passionate. I found my fingers at the front of her shirt, working my way up the buttons one by one. Her shirt opened and I rubbed her breasts through her bra.

My hands slipped around her back and pulled her deeper into our kiss. My body responded to her body. Hers hips ground into mine. Her face came away from mine and I hissed, "I need you." She sat up and pulled her shirt off, her movements fast and jerky. She clawed at my shirt and I sat up enough that she could pull it off of me. She stood and pulled my pants off of me, then pulled her own off.

She was back on top of me and I had never needed her so much as I did then. I felt myself enter her. She was drier than any other time that I'd made love to her, but she was so much more forceful about getting me inside of her. Normally she would kind of tease me in. This time she just sat on me and pushed me down with constant pressure. It hurt a bit, our skin dragging across the others'.

I wrapped my arms around her and enjoyed the comfort her body provided me. She started whispering, "I love you. I love all of you..."

I could take no more. I rolled on top of her thrusting my hips into her. She was wet below now. My mouth found hers and I pushed as much of myself into her as possible. She clung to me desperately and I was reminded of that first night we spent together. How she had woke, crying, how I had given her the same comfort then she gave to me now.

I clung to her like a raft in an icy ocean. Our movements synced and soon we were moving in time with one another, lost in an ocean of our lovemaking. I cried out and moaned into her mouth and she sucked on my tongue as I explored her mouth. Our hands tangled, holding tighter than we had ever held before.

I lost myself in her and it felt as if the pain just left my body. I knew that wasn't true, it would always be a part of me, but now it seemed so distant, like a part of the foundation I was built on, fortifying the mind rather than tearing it apart from the inside. The inside of my mind burned away, leaving only my love for this splendid creature in my arms...

I lost my self in her, the sensation of her skin, the feelings I had for her. I fell over the edge with her, our cries echoing out of our bodies and into the other.

When I came back to myself I was still tucked away inside her. My eyes were closed, and my head lay on her chest, listening to her heart beat rapidly.

"Thank you." I finally whispered to her.

She wrapped her arms around me and I knew she meant I was thanking her for more than our sex. I was thanking her for pulling me out of that ocean of grief.

I fell off of her and lay next to her. She turned and found her normal spot on my chest. I kissed her head, and ran my fingers down her face, my fist settling on my chest. "I'm sorry I laid that on you. I had no right to do that."

She leaned up and looked me in the eye. She ran her fingers lightly over my face and held her fist to her chest. "Don't you get what this means to me yet?" she asked me.

I kissed her lips, "I just thought it was cute..." I admitted. "I just wanted something that was just for you and me."

She smiled and ran her fingers over my face, closing my eyes, "It means, I take all of you, your troubles, your worries, your fears, your victories and your failures. Your faults and your flaws, and I make them a part of myself. I take them into my heart, and they don't matter anymore."

I pulled her into a deep kiss once again. "I have the best, most special person in the entire world, and she's dumb enough to want me..."

She smiled at me and my world thawed that last little piece of my heart that was frozen. My head dropped to the pillow and I felt exhausted. I leaned in and hugged her, trying to take the sting out of what I was about to say, "You really can go now. I'll be okay."

She looked up at me and tweaked my nose. "Not gonna happen big boy!" She kissed me, "I know this pussy has magic healing properties, but you're stuck with me tonight!"

A single tear ran down my face as I looked at her, "You can't afford to lose your family over me... I want you to stay, but I need you to go if you have to."

She smiled at me, laid her head and her hand on my chest, "I love you. I'm staying here tonight, I don't care about the consequences. My mom has been through some of what we are dealing with right now with my dad. She'll help us out."

I kissed her lips and closed my eyes. "You're sure?"

She nodded and cuddled in closer to me. "I'm sure baby."

Chapter

We fell asleep like that. I woke early in exactly the same position we had fallen asleep. My eyes opened slowly and I enjoyed the feeling of her warmth, and scent. My body responded to the feel of her next to me. I considered rolling her over and feeling her again, but decided that I was enjoying being with her too much to ruin it. I nuzzled her head, feeling the warmth of her hair against my cheek.

She tightened her grip on me... I felt her breast against me, she stretched and rubbed herself against me. She kissed my neck as she woke. I kissed her forehead. "Hey beautiful." I whispered to her.

She kissed my neck again... I ran my hand along her side, feeling her breast under my hand, but keeping away from her nipple, not knowing if she was interested in having me again. She tiled her head up to me and kissed my lips.

"How are you?" She whispered.

"I feel good." I told her.

She kissed me again, "Please don't lie to me." She asked of me.

I rolled her over and slid between her legs. I bumped the head of myself against her opening and kissed her necks. "See, don't I feel good? I asked her..."

Her legs opened wider and her back arched in pleasure. "Not fair... oh god!" She moaned as I started to push into her, the very tip of me going into her. Her hands moved to my ass and I felt her pulling into me, trying to pull me down onto her.

"No fair!" She cried, "I... I can't think when you do that..."

I pushed my hips into her a bit more, giving her just a bit more of myself. She moaned and started kissing my neck, her hips making little circles as she tried to trick me deeper into her body.

I held firm and refused to finish pushing into her. She squirmed and tried to move her hips closer to mine and I started to pull out of her... her eyes snapped open and I watched enraptured as I could see the pleasure in them... she wanted me so badly her eyes wouldn't focus...

I kissed her lips and started to move out of her more. She whined and melted against my kiss. Her hands grabbed my ass and she pushed harder on me to go further into her... I started pumping just the head of myself in and out of her.

She kissed my neck, pulling my hips into her. "Please... please give it to me." She begged.

"I don't know if I can." I whispered, enjoying the feel of her kisses on my neck.

"You can... I want you. Please." She begged.

I pulled out of her a bit more, "See, you don't think I feel good... I mean I don't want to put you out or anything."

She moaned and kissed my neck harder, "I think you feel spectacular. And you're not putting me out, you're putting you in."

She took me by surprise, hooking her ankles on my ass, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and lifting herself off the bed and swinging her hips into mine. She managed to bury herself to the hit.

The pleasure of her was too much to bare, and I fell down onto her. My body moved with a simple rhythm, in and out of her. She clung to me, moving her hips with mine. I kissed her neck and nibbled at her, moving my lips down to the spot where her neck and shoulder met, the spot where she loved for me to kiss.