Finding Rene

"She didn't see that?"

"I blame myself. I guess I wasn't able to make that clear."

"Then what happened?"

"I wanted to get married and have a family. I guess to her it seemed the walls were closing in."

Laura's head hung down as I explained all that. I wondered if she sympathized with CeeCee.

"I was devastated when she announced that it was over and that she was moving out of our apartment. At first I thought, and stupidly accused her, of cheating on me. At the time, that seemed to me the only rational explanation. But in the end, I came to realize she hadn't been. I was the asshole. I wasn't paying her the attention she thought she deserved. But by then it was too late. And in the final analysis—I guess—I was just not the guy for her."

Laura's head continued to hang down as we walked hand in hand on the beach.

"We were together nearly five years. When it was over, the landscape had completely changed. All the nice girls were already married. I landed up dating a litany of desperate divorced and separated moms. That was truly sad."

"Why?" she asked.

"They were all trying to be nice. Sexy, too. But in the end it wasn't love they were looking for, it was familial and financial stability they were looking for. It seemed as if it was more of a business transaction, 'I'll cook for you, clean for you, suck your cock; you, on the other hand, have to help me raise young Lisa and bring home a steady paycheck. And sure, 'let's have a child together to seal this bond.' There was an underlying dishonesty about the whole situation. Maybe dishonesty is the wrong word, emptiness."

"You make those ladies out to be monsters."

"Some of them were. With a couple of them I could see right away why their husband's left them."

"Why was that?"

"Because they were genuine bitches. Just plain, nasty, self centered, malicious people." I paused for a moment and then remembered, "And there were at least two more that were trying to get themselves pregnant to force the deal. There was no question in my mind."

"You couldn't be certain."

"I was."

"Were they all like that?" she asked, "there wasn't one amongst them all that you could fall in love with?"

"No they weren't all like that. A couple of the ladies were really, really nice. I toyed with the idea of developing relationships."

"But you didn't. Why not? They have a right to a happy life, too. If you can provide that, then why not?"

"Because as I said, ultimately they weren't looking for love, just stability. A replacement husband and father. That's not love. Certainly not the type of love I was looking for. I never fell head over heels for any of them."

"Are you still looking for love?" she asked.

"Aren't we all? Isn't that part of the human condition?" I paused for a moment, reflecting, "someone much smarter than me once said, 'if you are not loved, you do not exist.'"

She swung around and stood in front of me. Time stopped. Her grey eyes pierced into me. It's was as if they dilated before me. I could suddenly see into Laura's heart, her soul. I cupped her cheek with my hand. She was deep down frightened, I could tell. I wanted to comfort her. I wasn't sure how.

She squeezed my hand on her cheek and smiled at me. We turned and resumed walking.

We walked in silence for a while with our fingers interlaced. I wondered if she felt as if she was nonexistent. Maybe what I just said ripped to her heart. I hoped that I didn't hurt her.

We continued walking I wondered about her previous relationships but thought it best not to press the issue.

"Of course I had a number of boyfriends before I received my A levels, and one girlfriend," she offered, almost out of the blue.

She fired a quick glance up to me to see if I caught her drift. I did.

"But it was in uni that I met Timothy," she said in that lovely Brit accent. "It was love at first sight, for me anyway. All through uni, we went out together. I thought we would marry and have a family. We talked about that all the time. What I didn't realize was that all through uni he was freely screwing all kinds of other girls behind my back. When I was finally clued in by my friends, I was devastated. I had no idea."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"I swore off boys altogether. I hated the bastard for what he had done."

"That's awful."

"I did see a few other men afterwards though that was some time later and I was in two quasi-relationships, each about two years long, with a bunch of dates in between, and since."

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to me. Her eyes bore right into mine.

"Lesbian relationships. You're the first man I've had sex with in," she paused to think, "probably twelve years, maybe a bit longer."

"Hey, I've never had sex with a man," I came back trying to lighten the moment.

"Maybe you should try it," she retorted.

Maybe I should try to reign in my stupid comments. "No thanks," I answered as I looked down to my pants hiding my neon green bathing suit underneath.

We walked on for a while. We could see people up ahead.

"Why did you bust up with your girlfriends?" I asked.

After a moment's thought she answered, "It was the lifestyle we were leading. They weren't serious, and neither was I."

"Is that what upset your mother?"

She stopped dead in her tracks again and looked up to me with her chin twitching. "I can't hide anything from you can I?"

"Please don't," I answered, "you'd just be denying me precious fruit."

She smacked my bum. Hard.

"Oh, you want to get aggressive do you?" all of a sudden we were in battle-play mode again. She was giggling as I pulled up her t-shirt exposing the top of her black one-piece bathing suit. "Time for a swim, I've got to try out my new trunks."

In no time we were down to our swimwear. The beach was littered with our clothes. I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the water.

It was freezing cold!

"Very impressive," I said as we marched out of the water fifteen nanoseconds later. Her nipples were indeed huge, bulging out from under her suit.

"It's bloody cold," she stammered looking for her towel in the bag. Her wet bathing suit snuggled into her tight little ass cheeks. One side riding higher than the other, deep in her crack. One leg just slightly thinner than the other. Nice gap between the tops of the thighs.

She straightened out her bathing suit.

In spite of my own near hypothermia, and the fact that my testicles were up somewhere near my throat, I could feel my cock expanding in my new bathing suit. We dried ourselves off, packed our clothes into the bag, turned around and walked hand in hand along the water's edge back toward the apartment. The sun warmed us up soon enough.

There, it's okay to be wearing a bathing suit on the beach, but a couple of hundred feet away, on the boardwalk, it's not. Just nuts.

I resumed the conversation, "If you've not had sex with a man for twelve years, why would you be on the pill?"

"To keep my cycle regular. I used to suffer terribly. What a strange question to ask."

"Well, I'm a strange man, remember."

"Yes. I like this strange man," she smiled, as she spun herself around to walk backwards in front of me.

"And I like this crazy woman." We smiled at each other as she stopped in front of me. I kissed her and we resumed walking silently holding hands. The sun was warm on us. The sea was calm. It certainly was a lovely day.

We were coming up to where there were other people again. Kids played in the sand as their parents or grandparents watched.

"So you swore off men because of your experience with Timothy, yet you are okay with me. How can that be?"

"Yes it's funny, that, isn't it?" She pondered for a moment. A ball rolled past in front of us.

"I suppose I lost my trust in men. With you, the very first thing I learned was that I could trust you."

"Really, how so?" We had to step into the water to avoid a game of boules being played rather excitedly by two families with young children.

"I could trust you to be a gentleman. Let's face it, you wouldn't be a very good rapist."

"Dagger to the heart!"

She chuckled. "I could trust you to be fun and generous. I could trust that your heart is in the right place. I could see that you are honest and sincere. You didn't run off because I have a gimpy leg. Plus, my mum likes you."

"And your aunt, too. I'm sure she was absolutely delighted to see my cock stuffed down your throat while you diddled yourself."

"I'm so embarrassed."

"I thought we handled it well afterwards," I suggested.

"I think so, too," she answered. "Besides, I suppose on a purely cynical level, they were probably delighted that they caught me between the legs of a man rather than a woman's."

"That is cynical."

"I know, but certainly true on some level." She paused for a moment then added, "Besides, I really do think she likes you."

"If your mom likes me then nothing else matters, does it?" I joked at her.

"That's it," she answered, "you've passed the test already." She grinned up at me as she wildly swung our joined arms. After a few steps she stopped swinging our arms and wrapped both of her arms around me giving me a quick hug. I still hung on to the bag with the clothes and towels. We walked on.

"So Timothy cheated on you and yes he was a lying bastard, but ultimately that wasn't the pain that resulted, was it?" I knew I was pressing but I continued, "Wasn't it about your broken heart? You said you were in love with him. Is that why you stayed away from men? You didn't want to get your heart broken again?"

Some kid was chasing his little sister with a jellyfish on the end of a stick and nearly stabbed me in the belly. We stepped back onto the sand and continued walking. Her light blue top fell out of the bag.

It had to have been hard, I realized, as I stepped back to pick up her top and shake the sand off. No tits, a gimpy leg and the body of a twelve-year-old. People can be very shallow, especially when they're young. How could a lesbian lifestyle have mitigated her challenges? That part I didn't understand.

She pondered my question for a moment longer, then slowly stated, "There's more than just a little truth to that statement."

"That it broke your heart?" We continued walking.

"Yes."

Mmmn.

"And I'm okay because there is no way I could break your heart right? I mean, I'm not a potential threat to do so. We're just adults having a fling right?"

She stopped dead in her tracks and stared into my eyes. Her chin flexed, "Is that how you feel?"

"No," I answered staring right into her eyes, "and that's the problem. I'm already dreading having to get on a plane. My heart will be broken."

"Oh." She stepped to me and hugged me. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I dropped the bag of clothes and hugged her back. "Mine, too," she gasped.

The last thing I wanted was for her to see me all teary eyed.

I sniffled and said, "Maybe we're doing the wrong thing then. Are we just digging ourselves a deeper hole?"

"Do you want to stop now?" She almost sobbed looking up into my eyes. Her chin was out of control.

"Hell no!" I exclaimed looking away, then quietly added, "Do you?" I could feel a tear forming in my eye. Why was I being such a silly girl?

"No," she sobbed, "just hold me tight."

I did, I hugged her. Our chests heaved for a few moments.

"Damn that Magritte," I said trying to get myself under control. Laura looked up at me with tear strewn cheeks.

"Here we are on the coast of Belgium, at the water's edge, hugging each other and crying. Afraid for our broken hearts, yet it's been less than twenty fours since we first laid eyes on each other. And there's little kids playing in the sand and laughing all around us. It's just another surreal moment with you. And do you know what the funny thing is about all this?"

"What?"

"There isn't anyone, anywhere or any time I rather be than right here, right now, with you in my arms."

She broke out sobbing again. I nearly did, too.

People were looking at us funny. The kid with the jellyfish stick came dangerously close again.

I grabbed her hand and dragged her into the water. She tried to resist but she was too small and too light. I tossed her in and dove in after her. The water was only a couple of feet deep.

"It's bloody cold!" she yelled as we climbed out of the water.

People were really looking at us funny.

We toweled ourselves off again and resumed our march back towards De Witte Berg.

"Sorry," I said, "I thought we needed to cool off a little." Also, I needed to get rid of the tears welling up in my eyes. The English Channel sure as hell did that.

She frowned at me.

"Laura, listen." We stopped to face each other again, we had walked all of ten or twelve feet. "We know we have to go back to reality and I'm not looking forward to parting. And I think it's fair to say that we don't know how we're going to feel about each other when it happens and what will happen afterwards, but let's not fret about it. Let's just take the time that we have together and make the most of it."

"I agree wholeheartedly." She smiled and clasped my hand.

We walked off with a renewed vigor in our step.

"Should we invite your mother and aunt to join us for dinner at whatever place she wanted to recommend?"

"You said 'together', that doesn't necessarily include my mum and my aunty. Besides, we had lunch with them already and supper with my mum last night. No this is all about us from here on."

"You're a meanie; we should still ask," I said. We walked on, hand in hand.

"You know they're probably spying on us right now," she suggested.

"Why? To make sure you're not sucking on my cock in public?"

With that she stepped in front of me, spun around to face me and tucked her thumbs under her armpits, squawked "Auggh, Poly gets what Poly wants!" and started flapping her arm-wings, jerking her head.

"Aaghh!" I did an about face to fake run away and immediately impaled my belly onto a jellyfish stick, knocking the kid over and myself.

I landed with a thud on my side twisting my back slightly trying to avoid landing on the child. It fucking hurt. My belly hurt, too. Somehow, I managed to not fully impale myself on the stick, which flexed between my belly and the sand just before landing, or crush the kid.

The kid was crying. The parents weren't happy, they ran to their son.

The wound was red, the skin deeply grazed, but luckily I wasn't actually bleeding. It did hurt like hell. I wondered if I had just infected myself. What kind of crazy diseases do dead jellyfish carry? I didn't sign up for an infection when I took on the Oostende job or the dinner at Chagall's.

The kid's parents were yelling something in French? Flemish? Dutch? I had no idea, I didn't care. It was directed to me and highly accusatory. I had no idea what they were on about. Their kid was okay. Kid's bounce well. I was nearly stabbed.

Laura helped me up. The kid had jumped up crying and leapt into his mother's arms.

"You really are a klutz aren't you?"

We just walked away.

"Are you alright?" Laura asked a few steps later.

"I'll be fine." We walked silently in our own thoughts. Mine were centered around a potential infection. I had a grazed red spot, infused with God only knows what kind of bacteria. I knew I'd have a hell of a bruise.

We walked on for a while. I worried about my belly.

I took a couple of deep breaths while walking and constantly checking the belly wound. The pain didn't coincide with the wound. Laura must have thought I was okay. I wasn't.

From nowhere Laura chuckled and then said, "Did you see Mum's reaction to having my arm around your waist?"

I chuckled in recollection, "Yes, I did. Are her prayers being answered?"

"I guess. I'm sure she's watching us holding hands right now."

We slipped clothes on over our wet bathing suits before heading back to the boardwalk and the apartment building.

*****

Laura borrowed my razor and shaving cream and headed for the shower.

I washed my belly wound with hot soapy water. I found Andre's booze cabinet, a cupboard really. I swabbed the wound with a bit of Andre's vodka. I called Annabel and asked her to book me a flight out of Heathrow for Tuesday any time after mid-morning. I asked her to make sure it was okay to drive the car over the border and drop it off at the Heathrow. She said she would call me. She was also really, really curious as to what I was doing.

Laura came back wearing the same yellow pants she had on that morning. She looked delicious. She saw me watching her and said, "Sorry, I packed to visit my mum."

"I think you look lovely, but I'm having a shower."

I heard my cell phone ring as I was drying off.

Laura was Googling something on her cell phone when I came back, showered and dressed. I needed another vodka swab.

"Tate Modern listed six Magrittes."

"Excellent," I said picking up my cell phone. One missed call from Annabel. I called her back.

She booked the flight leaving Heathrow just after eleven on Tuesday, and yes it would be alright to take the rental car and drop it off at the airport.

"Email me the details," I said. "Oh, and how's Mary Shelley?" I thanked Annabel for everything. The dog was fine.

Laura was disappointed when I told her about my flight, but she forced a brave smile.

"I'll book a crossing on the Chunnel," she said.

"We need to book ahead?" I swabbed my belly with a vodka soaked tissue.

"Yes, if you want to ensure getting across in a reasonable time. It can get quite busy." She watched the whole scene with a bit of puzzlement.

"Okay." I said and watched as Laura went about booking the ride.

She did it all on-line with her phone. "Will ten+fifty will be fine?" she asked, looking at me for approval. I just shrugged my shoulders and held out my empty palms. She paid for it on her credit card. I put the vodka bottle away.

We visited Georgette and Marie down the hall for a few minutes. They gave us the name and address of a restaurant that we should try. Nothing was mentioned, hinted at, or even sideways alluded to... blow-jobs. They were so nice.

"No, no, you two go and enjoy the meal on your own. You seem to be enjoying each other's company. We'd only be interfering." Okay. That was sideways alluding.

Laura opened her mouth to say something rude, I'm sure, to her mother. I fired her a 'shut-the-hell-up' look, and she closed her mouth back up before saying a word. Only the echo of a chin wiggle remained. I think she was surprised that I got between her and her mother.

Marie asked us to come by for breakfast in the morning and wished us a good night.

"See, they were spying on us," Laura said, as we walked away towards the elevator.

"So what; they're not interfering. Let's go have fun." I pressed the button.

"I can't believe how much I've been eating since I met you. If I keep that up with you I'll become obese," she said as we stepped into the elevator.

"I can't believe how much sex I've had since I met you. If I keep that up with you, I'll develop a limp myself, or a stammer or something."

We both grinned at each other. "I'm hungry," she said.

"You're horny," I countered.

"That, too," she smiled.

It was a bit of a drive, but we found it. The Moeder Lambik Grill, another Belgian restaurant for Belgians, in a kind of suburban area. It had a kiddy play area in the back. What the hell, I thought as we walked in through the front door. I could see a kid in a highchair and another with crayons at the table. Did they send us to a family burger joint?

My god. It was no burger joint! Un-frikkin' believable.