All Comments on 'Flashbacks Pt. 03'

I am very interested to see where this story takes us.

Too convoluted, implausible and unbelievable to make for a decent read. He was a particularly bad character. Is anyone really THAT stupid? Simply not fun or entertaining. 1 star.

Especially "anonymous", thank you. Although I obviously didn't like that you didn't like my story, I really appreciate your giving the reasons why. Just an "I hate it" doesn't help me tell my story, I take your detailed criticism as constructive, and I appreciate it.

And, I'm no character, so I guess I AM that stupid. If I'm a dopey schmuck, then that's I am.

To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.

Thanks again,

FB

I have to agree that this story is a bit haphazard in its construction. It is like the retelling of a dream and as most dreams do, it shifts from one scene to the next without any real transition between them.

A story should be a narrative, flowing from one thing to the next, following some sort of logical progression. This doesn't have that. Skipping back and forth in time just leads to your readers' confusion. The story is more confounding than erotic.

I'm all for the artistic use of words when writing descriptions, but when you say things like "In the hard, sword blade eyes of the law..." it just sounds like you've been smoking crack. I've heard of a piercing look, but "sword blade eyes of the law"? Really?

The whole deal about the drugged drink is a load of crap. When judging dosage by a person's weight, if you weigh more than the person who made up the dose thought, you would be UNDERdosed, not overdosed. If the recipient weighs more, they would need more of whatever drug for it to be effective. You could have drunk the whole thing and it would not have had the complete, intended effect.

Let me get this straight... someone you don't know gives you $10K and says "Here's a drugged drink, I won't tell you what is in it, but if you DON'T drink it, someone will give you another $90K tomorrow," and you chose to drink it, all for the sake of some unknown adventure? Maybe you ARE on crack after all. That's the point where I have to call "bullshit".

This story jumped the shark and I won't be moving on to the next chapter. I'd rather read something that doesn't require me to suspend my disbelief past its breaking point, and one that is told in a coherent manner and not like the recounting of some fever dream.

I'm sorry you don't like the style, but I do have to disagree with your comment "a story should"... a story should be written emotions, thoughts that intrigue, satisfy, or move someone. If it doesnt, that's when THAT story failed... not because it should have been structured in a specific way.

If it does so to no one, then it is a failure in execution. From the fevered dreams of Kafka, to the poems of e.e. cummings , to the superman comics, we can see that a story is what you make of it. You should also listen to Harry Chapin's song Flowers are Red; he says it far better than I could ever dream of.

In regards to your comments on phrases and word choices, thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and opinions, and take them to heart.

Also, thank you for saying the story jumped the shark... it can't have jumped if it wasn't good in some way at some time... :)

And finally, although I think you're probably in the wrong place for scientific accuracy if you're reading and enjoying stories on Literotica, it actually does make scientific sense. This is not a piece of fiction, it is a recounting of events (as best as I can recall them years later) so no fantasy, no monsters, no dick growing chemicals, etc. You would, if you continued to read, find out why-but I think that's the least of your problems with the series, so by all means, go to something that works more for you.

I felt your lengthy and thoughtful comments deserved a response. Thank you again for taking the time to post your thoughts.

FB