For the First Time

Taking a deep breath, I could feel my hand making its way to the door knob as my heart began to race. In my mind, I still couldn't decide whether to do it or not but everything seemed to be going in a certain direction.

The door creaked slightly as it opened and I started to notice the outline of my landlord behind it. She was a really nice lady in her late fifties who could never have imagined what I was about to show her. As the door opened wider I was sure she started to notice me too.

My dark purple blouse and black legging were far from outrageous but, taking into account that she has only known me as Chris, it must have been a bit of a shock.

When the door was fully open, I closed my eyes. A small gasp greeted my reaction and I felt a lump in my throat. I could not utter a single word but finally, after gathering all the courage I had left, I managed to say something. I am so sorry Mrs. Lange, I'll understand if you no longer wish me to stay here and I will leave as soon as possible but I just had to do this.

I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks as she gently pushed me aside and closed the door behind her. My eyes still didn't dare to look at her directly and I didn't know what to do with myself. Then, to my surprise, I felt her hand on my shoulder. You don't have to leave Christopher, but tell me, how should I call you. Christine, I said. My voice quavered, barely making any sound. When I looked at her face, I could see that she was trying to understand something she was not yet ready for.

Maybe my move was too sudden, but I could not continue like this any longer. I've been living in this apartment for almost two years and to Mrs. Lange I was just Chris, the well mannered guy who lived on the second floor who would just keep to himself without bothering anyone.

I began to stutter when she guided me to the sofa and invited me to sit down. With a caring smile, she told me I didn't need to say anything, at least not right away. I took another deep breath and offered her something to drink. Yes, dear, she said. I think a drink is in order. I smiled and went to the kitchen, making sure my every move was as ladylike as possible. I didn't want to make a mockery of the whole affair.

Once in the kitchen, I told myself to calm down and, seeing my reflection in the glass cabinet I had there, gave me a bit more confidence. I went back to my small living room with two glasses of whiskey and apologized in case I'd gone over the top with the drinks. Oh, don't worry about it. It's just what I needed. And, by the look of it, you need it too, she said.

I sipped my drink, still looking at my lap, when she said, you look lovely. That color really suits you. It was the first time anyone had ever seen me as Christine and I didn't know how to react. We began to talk and I realized how my voice sounded forced and high pitched so I tried to relax a bit in order to sound more natural.

At first she asked me about how I was doing at work and if I liked living here. We'd had this conversation a million times and I reckon she did it to make me feel more comfortable with what was going on. At some point the elephant in the room was too much to bear and she asked me point blank, why? I told her I didn't know.

From a very young age, I knew there was something different about me. I was never an outcast at school or anything, but I knew I was just different. I told her how I started to dress up as soon as I moved out of my parents house, the internet being a blessing to us all, and how it would make me feel at peace with myself to be like this. How it was not just a thing that would turn me on but a thing I needed to do to be me.

She was silent for a moment but then reassured me that it was OK for me to stay. I'd never given her any trouble and though we were not close, we always kept an amicable relationship. Thank you for understanding Mrs. Lange, I said. I promise I won't do anything like this again. I don't know what got into me. Oh, please, don't trouble yourself. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time to talk about this in the future but I think I must go now.

Though she appeared calm, I could see she was still shaken by what had happened. It is not everyday that one of you tenants, who is a male, welcomes you as a young woman. I walked her to the door.

And by the way Christine, you're quite lucky I live downstairs. Those heels do make a very distinctive sound when you walk around with them.

I was speechless as she left but then realized I'd forgotten something. Oh, Mrs. Lange, I heard myself say in a girly voice. You forgot to collect the rent.