Forever Gone, Forever You

"I'm going after a divorce," I told him. His face was even more drawn. He wasn't a young man and too many shocks like this couldn't have been good for him.

"Bonnie told me that it's okay for me to take the girls home," I said. "If you want to verify it with her, that's fine with me."

"No, son," he said. "If you guys are going to split up, I'm sure you'd both want to have as much time with them as possible."

"It also makes it easier for you," I told him. "You don't have enough room in your house for my girls and Bonnie and her baby." He just nodded.

"But your house is bigger," he said. "You could all be comfortable there. That was why you stayed in that big old house that your folks left you, after you married Bonnie. You always knew that you and Bonnie wanted a house full of kids."

"That is true sir," I said. "But I don't think I'd be comfortable living under the same roof with Bonnie and her child. You and Mary are always welcome to come and visit. There's no need for you to call first or anything. You can come and get the girls and take them to visit their mother and their half- sister. I'm hoping we can all still be friends. I'm glad that you'll be looking out for Bonnie. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. It's just that she hurt me too bad and I can't be with her anymore."

"You don't think this is temporary, then?" he asked.

"No sir," I said. "And when you speak to her, please remind her that going along with the divorce is in her best interest. I'm looking for a quick simple divorce. I'll file under irreconcilable differences to avoid embarrassment on both sides. I'll pay as much child support for my girls as is necessary and will also provide anything else they need. I will not however pay child support for Bonnie's child or any alimony. I refuse to pay her for breaking my heart and ruining our family. Let her lover take care of her. You could also remind her that as angry as I am if it comes down to it, she's already admitted to going out and getting pregnant on purpose and trying to stick me with another man's child. That's fraud. She could be prosecuted for that. It might even be enough to get me custody of my girls and earn her a stretch in jail. I'd still get the divorce but I'd get much better terms. I'm trying to be nice about this for the sake of my girls."

"This is all about Marie and Tara," I said. "I want them to have the best life possible. If there has to be a divorce, I want it to impact them as little as possible. They have a few friends whose parents aren't together, so they'll adjust. I just don't want things to be hard on them."

The next few days were hard on everyone. Things were a whirlwind of activity. Bonnie went home to her parents' house the next day. I took the girls over to visit her, but I didn't go in. They couldn't stay for very long because Bonnie had to go to the hospital to be with Brandy.

The doctors wouldn't let Brandy come home for a couple of more days. Bonnie called me constantly begging me to speak to her. She sent her parents either singly or together to talk to me. Strangely it was the unemotional Brenda, who was the closest to understanding.

One night when the girls were asleep and Bonnie claimed she couldn't handle being away from me for any longer, she conned Brenda into bringing her by the house. She knocked on the door loudly and tried to make me let her in.

I called her on my cell phone and told her that the girls were asleep and she'd wake them up by acting like a fool. That wouldn't do her chances of getting custody any good. She told me that if I would just come out and talk to her for two minutes she'd go away. She just needed to hear the sound of my voice. I agreed.

I stepped out on the porch and saw Bonnie and her sister, Brenda sitting in the lounge chairs on our porch. There were four chairs there that we sat in sometimes with the kids. I guess she expected me to sit in one of the chairs. She was probably expecting me to sit in the one next to her. I sat on the porch railing opposite the chairs.

"Hey Brenda," I said smiling. Then I turned to my wife. I very slowly let my smile fade and my face change until it showed the anger and the revulsion I felt towards her. I wanted her to see all of the changes in my expression. Then speaking in the coldest voice I could muster. "You have two minutes," I told her.

"How are the girls?" she asked.

"They're fine," I said. I told her what we'd done that day and she smiled.

"I always knew you'd be a great father," she said. "I guess that's why it's so hard for me to believe that you haven't been to the hospital to visit your other daughter, who isn't doing nearly as well. She needs you too. And her mother needs you more than ever."

"Holy Shit, "I said. "Time sure flies when you're listening to bullshit. Your time is up. If you start banging on my door again, I'll call the police."

She reached out to grab me. "Grant I love you. I'm begging you to forgive me and give me one more chance. Give Brandy a chance."

As I started to close the door, I heard Brenda tell her. "Leave him alone Bonnie. Haven't you done enough to him already? He's hurting too and none of this was his fault, you did this."

Bonnie snapped right back at her sister, "Shut the fuck up, Brenda. He's mine and he always will be. You're supposed to be on my side. I already know I messed up. Now I need to fix it. And I'm trying to. Maybe you don't understand this because you've never loved anyone. But I am not going to let him divorce me. It is not going to happen."

I could hear the desperation in her voice. I only wish I had paid more attention to it. Maybe things could have turned out differently.

The next morning I woke up and made breakfast for my daughters before dropping them off at school. That was a normal thing. I did it every day anyway. Me making breakfast wasn't normal but dropping them off at school was.

They were very excited. "Brandy comes home today, daddy," said Marie.

That's great, Angel," I said quietly. I tried to keep the rage out of my voice so my daughter wouldn't think it was directed at her.

"Remember, the rules daddy," said Tara as we got close to their school.

"What rules, Baby?" I asked.

"Marie is too old to be your baby. She's just a girl now. I'm your baby, and Brandy is Mom's baby." said Tara.

"Okay, that has been established," I laughed as I let them out. I watched them walk into the school and drove off towards my job thinking that everything was fine.

I sat down and my desk and started trying to concentrate on the assignments that needed to go out that day. I'd been working and getting absolutely nothing done for about three hours when my secretary, Joan came in and told me that I had two calls. Both were urgent. One call was from the police and the other from the hospital. I took the call from the police.

My house had been broken into. I quickly ran outside jumped into my Mustang and drove home. My alarm wasn't on, which was strange because I was sure I'd set it that morning. There were two police officers there. They showed me where a window had been broken on the side of the house.

"That's how they got in," said one of the officers.

I opened the front door and looked around the house. It hadn't been ransacked. In fact nothing was missing or damaged. I tried to look at things with a more critical eye. Then I noticed it. The dishes from the girls' breakfast were gone and the dishwasher was running. The dirty clothes hamper was empty and there was a load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

When I told the officers that, they laughed. "Someone broke into your house to do your housework for you," they laughed.

As we continued through the house, I noticed little things. There were a few things missing. There was a framed picture of Bonnie and me at our wedding missing. It was a special picture because of all of the pictures they took at our wedding this one was the only one that didn't have Marie in it.

Our entire Wedding album was still there. In fact it had been placed on my bed. There was piece of paper on top of it.

Several family pictures, as well as pictures of the girls were missing and a few of Bonnie's outfits and personal items were gone. It was very clear what had happened. I'd changed the locks on the house so Bonnie couldn't get in. She'd broken the window and turned off the alarm. I explained it to the officers and they left after finding out that I didn't want to press charges. I didn't blame them. I was sure that there were donuts out there that needed them.

I did wonder why Bonnie hadn't taken the wedding album. It was one of her favorite things. She often leafed her way through it looking at each picture, each perfect moment in time, captured and held there unchanging as we went through our lives. She must've memorized all of those pictures by now, but she still loved to look at that fucking book.

I picked up her note.

"Dearest Grant,"

"I'm sorry that I didn't love you at first sight the way that you've always sworn you did me. Be that as it may, you've always been far more important to me than I ever could be to you. You were free when we met to go out and find anyone you wanted. That was one of the ways I knew that you truly loved me. I mean realistically, who goes out and falls for a chunky girl with a kid when there are tons of slim attractive girls with no dependents available. It had to be love.

I wasn't free though to simply find someone that I loved. After our first date I was sure that I loved you too. But I wasn't free to give my heart to someone just because I loved them. I had to think of my daughter as well. It had to be a good fit for all of us. And it was. After that my love for you blossomed and continued to grow until it bordered on obsession. It still does. I would do anything to keep you in my life. I don't have to worry about my heart because you will always be there, no one could take your place, ever.

No one could ever compare to you in my bed either and believe me, I'd know. I had my time as a wild girl, you know about this already, and no one ever made me feel the way you did. When you talked about me and my lover laughing at you, you were partially right. He didn't laugh at you, because he never knew anything about you. I wouldn't dirty my love for you by even mentioning to him that I was married. I let him think that I was just some sluttish fat girl who needed sex.

The person laughing at you was me, Grant. I laughed that you would even think that anyone could ever replace you. It's still funny. There will never be another man for me.

Surprisingly he didn't even remember me from before. That only goes to show you how shallow a bastard he is. But it's also why I needed him. Denny only had one good thing going for him. He didn't have a big dick, yours is so much better. But he's quick and he's really potent. I knew he could get me pregnant and quickly. I also knew that he has no soul and would never wonder about his child. After all he left after getting me pregnant the first time and never tried to contact me about Marie. She's never been his daughter, she's always been yours.

I love you Grant. I really thought that this would be a good thing. I didn't enjoy the sex. I needed to use lube to even get him inside of me. I didn't kiss him. I didn't have an orgasm either time. I didn't even move. I just laid there and let him fuck me. It was even worse the second time, because I knew how it would be and the first time was so bad. Both times I came home and took at least five showers. I just couldn't get clean enough. I felt really bad after both times too.

The only thing that cheered me up after both was making love to you and blocking out the painful memories, but not the guilt. I was really glad when I found out I was pregnant because it meant that I wouldn't have to see him again. He'd complained both times about me being a dead fuck and probably wouldn't have done it again.

I did this not because I enjoyed it, but because I wanted to share something wonderful with the only man I have ever loved that we didn't seem to be able to do without help. If I'd known that it would endanger our family, I never would have done it. I did it for our family, not to tear it apart. It seemed like something so small to give for something so wonderful. I had to endure a little bit of unpleasantness, you were never supposed to know. My body and all of me have belonged to only you Grant since we've met. I didn't think that letting someone borrow one tiny piece of it would cause you not to want the whole thing anymore. Especially if WE got something that we wanted very badly.

Grant, you love Marie with all of your heart and soul. If the only way for us to have her would be for me to have sex with someone else, would you want me to do it? Would you say no, knowing how much you've grown to love her? I don't think you'd like it but you'd do anything for your daughter, you've said it so many times. It's the same thing with Brandy. The same fucking man, the same fucking situation.

Whether you want to believe this or not, Brandy IS your daughter. I still maintain that. You've taken care of her for all of her brief life so far. As to who made her, I had sex with both of you. You made love to me the day she was conceived too. Both times, you and I had sex in the morning before I left to go to him, and again after I'd been with him. I really believe that you got me in the mood and got my body ready to receive his sperm. You are at least partially responsible for OUR child's conception.

The other thing is the legality of the situation. Grant, I know you're hurt, but you ARE legally responsible for OUR daughter. I think in your pain you forget that the evening she was born. After you helped deliver her and cut her umbilical cord yourself, you must have been so happy that you forgot something. While you were jumping around and shaking people's hands and telling them that your name was, "Daddy." You signed her birth certificate. In the eyes of the law, as well as mine you are HER father.

I'm not trying to trap you into anything Grant. I'm trying to show you who you are. I told you before that you would love her as much as you do your OTHER daughters and I'm willing to risk my happiness and a part of my life to prove it to you.

Always remember Grant that I love you more than anything else in this world. Not being with you will hurt me badly but just like you I'd sacrifice anything for my babies. I only hope that the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder works for us as well. She signed it, "Yours Forever, Bonnie."

I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. In a couple of months we'd be divorced and I might have custody of my two daughters or she might. It would be up to the courts to decide. At least that was what I thought. My heart missed Bonnie, but my pride wouldn't allow forgiveness. Reading her letter had perhaps softened my stance toward her, but I still wasn't ready to forgive her.

On the other hand I was ready to find this Denny bastard and break his ass for running out on Marie. All of that was forgotten when the phone began ringing. It was the fucking hospital again. It was probably Bonnie calling me from the hospital wondering whether or not I'd read her fucking letter.

"What," I said into the phone.

"Grant," you have to come over here now," said Bonnie's mother, Mary.

"Jim has had a heart attack, and there's a problem with Brandy," she said.

"Brandy is not my fucking problem," I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong.

When I got to the hospital, two nurses grabbed me and tried to pull me in opposite directions. One, a big black woman was trying to pull me towards pediatrics. She had an evil look on her face. She was scary as hell and I thought for a while I was going to have to deck that bitch. The other nurse was from the cardiac unit and she was equally stout. She just had a kinder expression on her face. She eventually won after they had a conversation about which need was more pressing.

"I hate deadbeat dads," said the black woman as she let me go.

"I promise I'll come and pay whatever I owe you or sign the papers so my health care can take care of it," I said. "Until the divorce goes through I know that this is my problem."

She looked at me with an expression that said she had no idea what the fuck I was babbling about and left.

I went into the cardiac ward and saw Jim. Actually his heart attack had been mild. Mary was by his side. "He's going to be laid up for a while," she said. "I'm sorry I won't be much help to you. But my husband has to take first priority."

"Don't worry about it, Mary, "I said. "If there's anything I can do to help you out let me know. I can handle my girls easily. I've done it before. And while Bonnie was pregnant I kind of got used to doing most of it anyway. I just need to work out a schedule. Besides if there's a problem I can always just call Bonnie if I have to."

Mary looked at me and said, "No one told you?"

"No one told me what?" I asked. Then a doctor came and got Mary and took her away to talk about Jim's care. I figured I'd go out and find Bonnie to talk to her. Maybe she could tell me what was going on. But I had no intention of dealing with our issues or hers then.

When I got outside the big mean nurse grabbed my hand and led me to pediatrics. "We've been calling you all day," she snapped. "I know that your wife disappearing is hard on your family, but you still have responsibilities."

I had no idea what she was talking about. She gave me a couple of papers to sign and forced me into a wheel chair. Then she put the baby into my arms and they pushed me towards the door.

"You're lucky we're so busy today," she snapped. "When you didn't show up to pick her up this morning like you were supposed to, we were supposed to have called the family services agency and had you arrested. What kind of an asshole abandons a newborn?"

I sat there in the wheelchair with the most surprised look possible on my face. If Brenda hadn't come walking by, I might still be sitting there.

"Mom told me to help you out," said Brenda. "Dad is going to be here for a couple of days but then he'll go home. He's going to have a few restrictions in terms of diet and exercise but he'll be fine. She's more worried about you."

Brenda looked at me sitting there in the wheelchair and smiled. She called to one of her mom's friends. He was waiting to see Jim. She asked him to drive her car to my house and she'd bring him right back. For some reason that I still can't figure out, he didn't grumble at all. I guess the thought of being in a car in close quarters with a woman as attractive as Brenda was its own reward.

"Here Brenda, why don't you take this," I said, indicating the baby.

"Oh no," she claimed. "I have no maternal instincts. I'd probably break it. You're the one who's supposed to be super dad. You can handle it. Besides, there's something really weird going on here."

We went out to my mustang and I gingerly got in. I'd have to look around the house for the new car seat that we'd bought for the baby.

As we pulled out of the parking lot and stopped at a red light, Brenda looked over at me.

"That is the weirdest fucking thing," she said.

"What?" I asked.

"She's quiet and calm," said Brenda. "I've visited her every day since she was born. I've never seen this baby quiet. Are you sure they gave you the right one?"

"Don't start," I said. "I'm only keeping this thing until your sister gets back from fucking whomever she went off with. In the meantime, I intend to go ahead with my divorce plans and maybe I can get her charged with abandonment, for running off and leaving this thing."

"Unh huh," she said."

"I'm serious, Brenda. This is bullshit," I spat.