From Darker Places than I Want to Feel Ch. 07 - Epilogue

"How so?"

"When I was living on the street I sometimes felt like I was living inside a cage with invisible bars that kept me from reaching out to really touch someone. My sister was my only connection to the real world and I rarely saw her."

Some time later, Ryan reminded her that it was nearly time to pick up her nephews from the bus stop. She asked if they could come back again and he promised her they could. He kept that promise. "Okay, how about next week? We can make it a Friday thing until we get bored with it." She nodded, still haunted by the images she saw in that exhibit.

So many things he introduced to her, including baseball! When they stopped to pick up the boys he asked them if they wanted to join him on Sunday for a playoff game. Of course they jumped at the chance. She grinned, especially if they could get out of cleaning their room that day.

The day he took them all to that baseball game was the most special of all, it offered her a new direction in her life...she got a job!

It was the end of the second inning and things were starting to bog down. Ryan ushered the boys out of their seats and up the steps to the back concourse to get hotdogs, of course. He met a former student while waiting to be served.

"Hey, Brad, how's it going?"

"Good Professor. Oh, this is my wife Abby." Brad turned to the woman next to him. "Abby, this is my old Sociology professor, Ryan Sullivan."

Ryan offered his hand to Brad's wife. "Hi, it's nice to meet you." He turned to Brad with a wink. "I noticed the emphasis on old, and please, call me Ryan."

That's when Brad mentioned the possibility of an opening as an assistant to their para-legals in his law firm. He said: "So Ryan, since you're here, I might be able to help you out with your job search. My firm has just given me the go ahead to hire a couple of assistants for the paralegals. And if this girl you mentioned, Sarah I think you said was her name, well if she's half as organized as you said she is then she'll work out great.

She and Brad met during the seventh inning. She was a bit wary of him at first, but by the end of the meeting she began to think he might be someone she could work with.

Right off the bat, Brad told her that he liked her. And he told her that her cocky attitude was refreshing. "It makes me laugh but I have to warn you. There are a couple of old goats in the firm and they work hard to keep the old traditions alive."

"You mean who I am is going to be an issue?"

"No, nothing like that. They just think old school. Apprentices should mind their manners and keep quiet around their elders, that sort of stuff."

"Well that's to be expected in any job."

"Exactly. As soon as you prove your worth they'll back off." Brad extended his hand to Sarah. "So, I'll see you on Monday?"

Sarah waited a moment to watch Brad walk back to his seat. She wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and dance around like a schoolgirl she was so excited. She turned and almost skipped down the concourse towards her seat but at the last minute she pulled it together and slowly walked down the steps towards the row where her family sat.

Her family. That included Ryan now. If she could have imagined what her life was going to be like six months ago, she would never have imagined this. Still, she realized at the time that she didn't have the job yet. But she was one step closer. She was one step closer to becoming an independent woman who has an incredible man in her life.

Her thoughts drifted to a time he took her to see her first play since elementary school. It was the Glass Menagerie. She was fascinated by the whole experience. The lights slowly dimmed and the room was dark then a single spotlight shown down on an actor dressed in an old navy peacoat and stocking cap. He was standing on the stage near the fire escape.

He looked out into the audience and smiled bleakly then sighed. "I have tricks in my pocket. But I'm the opposite of the stage magician. Let me take you back to a time when I lived with my sister in a tiny apartment in East Saint Louis..."

Sarah became mesmerized by the performance. It seemed to move seamlessly from moment to moment; from the present to the past, and back again as the actors became their characters and the play unfolded. In no time it seemed the first half was over and the lights came up in the audience area. At the end of the performance she watched the character of Tom, Laura's older brother stand under the fire escape in his ragged navy peacoat and stocking cap. Laura stood in the living room area with a small candelabra held in front of her face, her mother, Amanda stood behind her crying.

"Blow out your candles Laura," he said. Laura began to blow them out one by one and slowly the image of her and her mother began to fade. Then Tom finally said, when he was all alone on the stage and standing in a single spotlight. "And so, good bye." The stage went dark and the audience erupted in applause.

That was also the night she met Trina too, someone who would fast become her best girlfriend but she left too soon, moving to Ohio.

And later, it was the first time she and Ryan made love. She asked him and he said yes. He stood in his bedroom as she undressed. He spoke softly words that she would never forget. "My God, you're the most beautiful woman I've ever met." She remembered walking over to him seductively and then she began to unbutton his shirt. "Thank you sweetheart, you are lovely too."

She undid his belt and let his trousers crumple to the floor. She knelt down in front of him and gently pulled his underpants down revealing his throbbing cock. He was hard, as if he ached to be enveloped by her, to feel her touch, her caress. She leaned forward and kissed the head of his penis, then she licked the under side as she cupped his balls. He moaned softly as she moved up to the tip and slowly took him into her mouth. She looked up to see him gaze down at her as she moved up and down his shaft slowly. His eyes were filled with passion.

He reached down and gently pulled her up to meet his lips with hers. She wrapped her arms his neck and they fell into the bed giggling. "You are so amazing Sarah Daniels, I..." Then she put a finger on his lips. "Shush, sweetheart, make love to me."

He rolled over and reached for a condom in the drawer in the night table next to his bed. She held his arm. "You don't have to, I'm clean down there."

"Really?"

She nodded smiling coyly. "Yes, since the third time we met I've been preparing myself each time...just in case."

"Oh my God, I had no idea you felt that way about me." Sarah's eyes began glisten again with tears as she remembered this moment. "Oh Ryan, my dear sweet Ryan, I've fallen in love with you, hopelessly, head over heels in love with you." He wrapped his arms around her neck. "I love you too, Sarah Daniels, so very, very much." He kissed her passionately and their tongues entwined.

A couple of days later, she met Trina at a coffee shop to talk about her class schedule. She confessed to Trina who she really was and surprisingly, Trina was shocked, hadn't a clue. But for Trina, it didn't change a thing, Sarah felt closer than ever to her. She also learned a thing or two about her arch nemesis Melissa Cavanaugh. It did manage to shut her up, of course with what happened a few weeks later, it didn't matter.

Then, several nights later, Sarah asked Ryan a question she was scared to ask him. Would he let her make love to him? It shook him up, a lot; she could see it in his eyes. But would he do it, let her love him like he loved her? And then he nodded yes!

She remembered rushing around the bedroom as he prepared himself for her. She lit candles, pulled down the bed covers, puffed up the pillows and made sure that everything was just perfect.

She remembered glancing across the room. Beyond that bathroom door her lover was preparing his body for her so she could make love to him. She felt giddy, like a schoolgirl waiting for a boy to kiss her for the first time.

She quickly disrobed, draping her dress on the chair besides the bed. Naked, she knelt on the bed and waited for him, her breath matched her rapidly beating heart.

Countless times she'd fucked boys, ramming her cock into their tender butts, hearing their moans and sometimes their screams. But this time...this time was different, way different. She felt like she was fifteen again and he was her first.

The bathroom door slowly opened and the light switched off. The shadows cast from the candlelight danced across the room as Ryan slowly emerged from the bathroom and stood at the edge of the bed.

She reached forward and took his hand in hers, pulling him gently onto the bed with her. She could see that he was nervous; he was shaking like a leaf. She pulled him into a hug, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing him tight, her nipples were tickled by the hairs on his chest. "I love you darling."

And then the whole thing came crashing down in one fateful night. If she had only remembered his story about Vietnam, if she only had remembered his fear of fireworks, if she only had remembered...God, she felt so stupid, so shattered, so much in pain.

She decided to have fun with a little light bondage play in the bedroom. It wasn't as if their sex life was waning, it was fantastic. She just thought it might be fun to mix things up a little. God was she ever wrong. She managed to blindfold him, but when she slipped his hands into the cuffs he seemed to snap. The next thing she knew he raced down the hallway, naked. In the living room ahead, she could hear chairs and tables crashing together. It sounded like a battle zone was erupting when she heard lamps and glass crash to the floor.

As she walked out from the hallway the scene in the living room stunned her. Across the room a pile of furniture had been stacked precariously like a barricade in front of the window. Behind it a crazed looking Ryan crouched, naked, hiding from an unseen enemy. She looked into his eyes; they were totally crazy, like he wasn't inside his head anymore. Like he wasn't Ryan anymore, he'd become some crazed animal trapped in a cage.

The room was littered with debris, broken, scattered pieces of what a moment before was an ordinary living room in an ordinary apartment.

She tried to calm him down but he was so tightly wound that she knew that a single false move would send him over the edge. Suddenly, he was talking to people who weren't there, motioning to them to hid in places that didn't exist, at least not in this world they didn't. Then he began to move about objects that weren't there either. It looked like he was loading ammunition into ammo clips and jamming them into an imaginary rifle. He was totally immersed in a nightmare world and he was quickly dragging her into it with him.

Grabbing her and pinning her arms, he pulled her towards the apartment door. He shouted at her that the Vietcong were everywhere. "Dammit Carl, stay down!" He hissed through his teeth as he scanned the hallway outside the front door like a mad dog. "We don't have much ammo left! I'll hold them off as long as I can." He flung the apartment door open again and shoved her out of the room with such force that she flew across the hallway, landing nearly naked and clutching her clothing. She slammed against the far wall and slide to the floor as he pointed an imaginary gun at an unseen enemy. Then the door slammed shut.

She ran back to her sister's home and rushed into her bedroom. She was devastated; she didn't know what to do. When she finally explained to Anna what happened she looked up into her eyes. The devastation finally hit home. "I fucked up Anna. I really, really fucked up. He's the love of my life and I've destroyed it, I've destroyed it all."

Several days later, she remembered that Trina came over to her sisters' to find out what was going on. She was supposed to go shopping with Trina but of course with what happened at Ryan's she wasn't in any mood. Her sister explained what she knew.

"She believes that it was all her fault. She told me that she was never in danger, that he totally protected her, he even saw her as his comrade. But he totally snapped and she thinks it's her fault. She's been cooped up in her room now for two days. She won't eat; she hasn't talked to me since the day she came back. My boys are worried sick, too."

Trina came in and eventually convinced me that I needed to help my sister Anna save Ryan. "I'm scared that he might not want to see me, that he might hate me. You don't know what it was like. He was so frightened, like a tiny wounded animal and yet he only thought of me and my safety. Oh God Trina, I feel so terrible. It was all my fault."

But she was persuasive. She said I needed to try. We gathered up my things and she walked me to her car. The drive over was deathly silent; my mind was awash with fear. Then, I stood outside his opened door and looked at him sitting next to my sister. He looked so fragile. I moved to the doorway and he looked up. Then we moved together as if it was choreographed, but it wasn't. We hugged and kissed and hugged again. Anna and Trina must have left but I didn't know when, it didn't matter, I had the love of my life in my arms, broken and shattered but he was mine and he loved me.

The following Saturday arrived without much fanfare, and she remembered sitting on the park bench once again with Ryan as they watched the boys play in the sandbox. It was peaceful and serene. That night, they slept peacefully in bed together entwined in love but across town in an upscale gated community, Melissa Cavanaugh's world just turned upside down. Her family was exploding over the discovery of her younger brother coming out. It certainly wasn't expected, by anyone in the family. Her father turned into a brute of a man, kicking his only son out into the cold night air, without any shoes on.

The next day Melissa Cavanaugh walked into the Sociology building looking anything but like the cool collected little rich bitch she usually portrayed. Something had happened. Anyone could see that she was distraught and people began to whisper as she walked down the hallway without her usual entourage. Melissa even passed Sarah silently in the hallway.

Melissa walked several more steps down the hallway and then stopped. She dropped her head and began to cry. Huge tears traced down her cheeks to drop like rain onto the tiled hallway floor. Sarah glanced back fully expecting the usual bile from her arch nemesis but instead she watched Melissa's shoulders shudder as she collapsed in a heap onto the tile floor. Sarah stopped then took a few steps back. Melissa looked up and slowly shook her head, little mascara rivulets trailed across her cheek. "What kind of fucked up world do we live in where an innocent boy is shoved out into the cold of a winter's night with no coat or shoes? What kind of parents professes their love of all their children one day only to have completely disowned their son the next? This is the mother and father who pretended to be Christian and loving as they slammed the door in his face. Tell me! What kind of fucked up world is this?"

At first she couldn't answer her. Melissa finally explained what happened and Sarah formulated a plan. She called Ryan and asked to borrow his car, then she took Melissa to her parents home to gather all of her little brothers things. From there she remembered driving them to a half-way house downtown. She'd met the owners, Tom and Alex, through the law firm. They set her brother up in a private room until he could find a way to rent his own apartment. He was about to graduate from High School so from there he planned to attend community college with his lover. It wasn't an ideal solution, but it was at least workable for both Melissa and her younger brother.

It was funny, in a twisted sort of way, how karma worked to bring Melissa and Sarah together. They weren't bosom buddies, but at least they had a better understanding of who they were.

Her final thought landed on her as she remembered a special day several months ago, when she walked down the aisle arm in arm with Bill Reynolds, an old friend and former colleague of Ryan's. Bill and Trina Collins, now Trina Reynolds drove down from Cleveland last night to be part of this ceremony. He was giving her away to Ryan and Trina was a bridesmaid. They selected a special church for this event; it was a Unitarian Universalist congregation they met at Christmas. They were so open and accepting, it was impossible to consider any place else.

The organ played a traditional song and Sarah walked down the aisle wearing a cream-colored gown or organza, chiffon, and satin. The lace and embroidered bodice she was stitched into had tiny seed pearls adorning the neck and sleeves. She was stunning as she concentrated hard, worried that she would trip and fall. She held a death grip onto Bill's arm until they arrived at the altar and Ryan slowly lifted her veil. It was magical, a moment burned in her memory forever of love and devotion and compassion.

Sarah felt the gentle touch of hands across her shoulders as she sat staring out the atrium windows. Ryan leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Hey, Mrs. Sullivan, did you finish your research?"

"Not really, I sort of got side-tracked. I'll do it another day. Ready to go?"

He nodded and held out his hand for her. She stood and wrapped her arms around his neck to hug him tight. "I am so lucky to be in love with you, Ryan Sullivan, so very lucky indeed."

Ryan smiled looking a bit surprised. "What brought this on?"

"Just some thoughts...random thoughts. Got your stuff?"

He nodded and lifted his briefcase as proof.

"Then let's stop by the store and get something for dinner, okay?"

He wrapped his arm across her shoulders and they walked out of the library building...they were both smiling blissfully.

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR:

The author copyrights From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel and all of its parts. The reproduction of any part of From Darker Places Than I Want To Feel without the written permission of the author is expressly prohibited.

This story is a work of fiction. All of the characters, their names and the places they visit, are purely from the imagination of the author. Any resemblance to persons, places, or things is not intentional and purely coincidental.

© 2013/ Dreamweaver594