Going Back

Quickly filling a cardboard cup with the dark, fragrant liquid, and adding a package of sugar and some milk, I took a sip. Satisfied with the taste, I capped it and put a brown cardboard sleeve around the hot cup. My first thought was not to bother Vanessa, not to break her chain of thought, but realized that would be odd, so I walked over to her. Her head snapped toward me, and her features softened, as if she was actually happy to see me.

"Please sit," she said, pointing at a chair catty corner to hers. I sat.

"You must have been up early."

She took a sip of her coffee. "I woke up around 5:30 and couldn't fall back. I didn't want to disturb you."

"Thanks, I guess."

Vanessa smiled, picking up my disappointment. "Dave, I really want to thank you—" I started to protest, but she showed me her palm. "No, not just for last night, but for the whole weekend. I needed a friend, and you were there for me, even though we didn't know each other, and I was awful to you back then."

"It's really O.K.," I replied. "We're classmates. We have this bond. And I want to thank you--" She smiled, a bit lasciviously. "Yes, for that, but also for showing me that I don't have to be a hermit, even though I miss Maggie every minute of every day."

We sipped our coffee in silence.

"I spoke with Justin."

"Really? How did it go?"

"Well, I think. He told me that he had checked into a hotel. He was pretty surprised that I didn't immediately go on the attack, and was shocked, I think, when I apologized to him. He apologized to me, and we just talked. I told him to move back in, and we agreed to see someone together to see if we can salvage our marriage."

"That's good."

"I think so. I'm not sure if it is salvageable, to be honest. Not just because of his affair—"

"Did you tell him about last night?" I interrupted.

"No. But I will. I'm just not sure that we are really good for each other. And I'm sad that it took this long for me to figure it out."

"But you've been together for a long time."

"That's true, and that's why I'm not totally giving up." She took another sip of coffee, and I did the same, enjoying the sweet hot bitterness as it went down my throat. "And what about you, Dave?"

"I'm good, Vanessa. I promised Maggie that I wouldn't shut down when she died, and I never really planned to honor my word. You know, I was just saying what she wanted to hear. But this weekend has made me realize, once again, that she knew better for me than I did. Coming back here, to a place that I love, seeing old, good friends, and making new ones--" I looked at her pretty face, and received a nice smile in response— "reminded me that people need other people, and I'm going to try to ease my way back into polite society."

Vanessa nodded at me. "Sounds right, Dave. You're a good man, and, I think, a good friend." She put her hand on mine and squeezed it, before retracting it, resting it on the arm of her chair. We drank our coffee.

"I'd like to go to the last breakfast on campus. Are you going to come?"

Vanessa shook her head. "No, I think that I've had enough of Reunions for this year. I'm ready to go back home and face reality."

"Um, I need a ride back, though. Could you drop me?"

She laughed. "I forgot. Of course. When does it start?"

"Eight."

"Perfect. Let me go up and pack."

"I need to come up, too—my jacket is in the room."

"Sure."

Shortly after that, we were leaving the hotel. The morning was warm, and it looked like it was going to be another scorcher. We sat quietly in her car, AC blasting. I couldn't think of anything to say as we rolled up Route 1 and turned onto Washington Road, through the trees and on to campus.

Vanessa stopped the car near the path leading to the dining hall where breakfast was being served. I turned to her. "Thanks for the ride. And everything."

She smiled and said, "And thank you, too. You know, we don't live that far away from each other."

I nodded. "That's true." But I knew that we would never see each other socially away from here, and I knew that she knew that. "See you at Reunions, too?"

Vanessa shrugged. "Maybe the 35th. Probably." She paused and looked out the window at campus. "Definitely."

"Good. Then definitely see you then." She leaned toward me, and we kissed each other's cheeks, like the old classmates we were, and I got out of the car. I felt the early warmth of the day replace the coolness of the car, and I shut the door and stepped back. Vanessa pulled away and headed toward the exit, and I turned toward breakfast, thinking about how much I would tell my friends about last night.

May 29, 2020

"I told you that it always hot and sticky at Reunions."

Sonia smiled. "You did, and you were right. I'm glad I let you put baby powder on me." Her look indicated that her happiness was not only based on her current lack of chafing, but on the not completely utilitarian way that I applied the powder, which made me as warm inside as I was outside.

I was happy that Sonia agreed to come with me. I had enthusiastically described the weekend to her, and while I was afraid that I might have oversold it, I think that she could tell that it was important to me, so she agreed to share it. It was one of the many things about her that I liked since we had been seeing each other.

She took my hand as we walked toward the bus stop, nodding at the other alumni and their families waiting. I looked at her. Shorter than Maggie, and smaller in most ways, she had a pleasant face ringed by dark hair. She was also smart, funny and kind, and we immediately hit it off. Although she was a few years younger than me, we shared a similar loss—her husband Ralf had died, but in a car accident, a few years before, and her kids were in college when she sold her house and moved into a townhouse in my town. She wasn't Maggie, and I suspect that to her, I wasn't Ralf, but we had quickly developed a close, maybe even loving, relationship, although neither of us was willing to give up our own separate homes yet, despite the fact that we spent most nights together.

The bus arrived, and as if by some unspoken rule, we let the parents with babies board first, followed by the rest of us, in reverse age order. As we rolled up campus, I pointed out various landmarks, and Sonia showed interest, possibly genuine. I had offered her some of Maggie's Reunions garb so that she would feel connected, but she had declined, instead surprising me with some orange and black clothing of her own, by its looks recently purchased.

The 35th Reunion was in a different place than the 30th, but I was familiar with the location from having returned briefly the last couple of years, alone, but relatively at peace. I led Sonia through the campus into our courtyard, which was already filling up with classmates in our distinctive jackets. I saw some friends, and dragged Sonia over to introduce her. It was nice not hearing the pity in their voices any more, and I looked over at Sonia's smiling face as she made conversation. She was much better than me at small talk, which was, in fact, how we met.

I turned to look around to see who was here and my heart nearly stopped. I thought I saw Vanessa. Not current-day Vanessa, but college-age Vanessa. The same hair, the same body and the same face. My head spun as I tried to make sense of the situation. Five years ago, I had experienced a true Reunions miracle, but one that actually was grounded in reality. And then I saw the real Vanessa, in her Reunions jacket, approach her youthful doppelganger and hand her a bottle of water. I was an idiot—she had brought her daughter, Lily, if I recalled correctly. I didn't see anyone that looked like a husband. At which point, I was brought back to the conversation I was ostensibly participating in.

When I looked up again, Vanessa was approaching, with her daughter in tow, and she joined our circle without comment. When there was a break in the chatter, I turned to her and said, "Good to see you, Vanessa."

"Good to see you, Dave. This is my daughter, Lily." I shook her hand.

"And this is my friend Sonia," I replied, and there were more handshakes. I caught Vanessa's eye, and she nodded and smiled almost imperceptibly. We made small talk.

"Dave," Sonia asked, "where's the ladies room?"

I looked around, and before I could figure it out, Lily pointed and said, "It's over there. I need to go, too," and they headed off across the courtyard together.

Vanessa looked at me and slowly walked out of our group, and I understood I was to follow.

When we were a reasonable distance away, Vanessa said, "Sonia seems nice, Dave. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks. She is great. We've become close very quickly. Lily looks just like you did when you were here, by the way."

She smiled. "I was never that beautiful."

"You were, and still are," I replied, not completely sure if she was sincere or fishing for a compliment, and not caring. "Is your husband here, too?"

Her smile disappeared and I worried that I had crossed a line. "No. No more husband. Our divorce was final about a year ago."

"But—"

She interrupted me. "We tried. We went through two therapists, but it was clear that whatever we had was irrevocably broken. It turned out that the affair that I found out about was not his first. Or his second, for that matter. I took some responsibility for the chill in our relationship, although it didn't, in my mind, excuse his infidelity."

As I opened my mouth to say something, she continued-"yes, I told him about us, but I never told him your name. Luckily, though, we worked out the details amicably. It really was proof of the old adage, that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. It was a cold calculation over who got what. He moved out, and I stayed in the house."

"And—"

"And I'm happy, maybe really happy for the first time ever. I still have my work, but I've tried to be a more rounded person. I even do volunteer work. And yoga."

I will admit that a brief mental image of Vanessa in yoga pants flittered through my mind, but it fled immediately upon seeing Sonia return, with Lily in tow. They came over to us, and I bent down and kissed Sonia's cheek and pulled her close to me, resting my arm on her shoulders.

"Dave and I were just catching up."

Sonia nodded. "Were you friends in college?"

I started to talk, but Vanessa was faster. "Not really. We met a couple of times, but it really wasn't until we started coming to Reunions that we became friendly."

Sonia replied, "I know how that is. I've made a bunch of friends from college who I never spoke with when I was there."

The two women began to talk, and Lily, who was working in New York at an art gallery, occasionally interjected. I was just happy to watch their easy relationship. And to think about how if Lily hadn't walked in on her father, and if Vanessa hadn't needed someone, and if that someone hadn't turned out to be me, I'd never have been willing to break out of my funk and find Sonia.

It's just another wonderful thing about Reunions that I'll never be able to explain.