Great White Dope

"Well thank God the world is round, so your inbred ass can stay in some skanky dark corner where you belong. What else you got?"

"I can't imagine how upset you are Randal, so I will give you some time to digest all this. But please understand it was never planned. I just missed you so much, I was so lonely, and your Dad suddenly became nice to me. It was like he was a different person when he found out you were working undercover. He was busting his buttons trying to keep the secret." She wiped her eyes. "We would sit around the table after the twins had gone to bed a lot of evenings. He had his beer and me with a few glasses of wine."

"Please do not go with the booze made me do it."

"I won't insult you by saying that. It is just your Dad.."

"He is not my Dad anymore."

Ann looked at me shocked before continuing. "Well..um, he started talking about your Mom and the good times they had. This made me miss you even more, one night we were trading funny 'blue' stories like the time the kids almost caught us having sex in the shower. He told some torrid stories about your Mom back in their younger days. Suddenly he got so sad, and you know how I am after a few glasses of wine Next thing you know..."

I held up my hand to stop her. "Sheriff?" I said looking at him. "Can I borrow two of your pens please?"

The Sheriff looked at me suspiciously. "Why do you want two of my pens?"

"So I can poke my eardrums out before this slut starts giving me details about fucking my Moms husband."

Ann's face got beet red. "I was not going to go into details Randal. I just wanted to say how it started and how aghast I was in the morning, give you some context."

"Great!" I said throwing my hands up. "Fuck him once , Fuck him everyday, what's the difference right?"

Now Ann started to get upset. "It was not like that! I stayed away from him, even considered asking him to move back to his house. But that would have just hurt the twins. They were already acting out because you were gone. Then two weeks later I was having a real shitty day, I had not heard from you in a week, I was depressed, work was terrible, and the twins were acting their age, everything was just a mess. I broke down crying that evening and your Da.. um..he was just so understanding. It wasn't for the sex, it was for the... the... I don't know ..comfort."

I couldn't sit still any longer and popped up. The sheriff took a step, but I did not move toward Ann.

"COMFORT? You were fucking him for Comfort? What, Ann, there was no cookie dough ice cream in the house?" I sat back down. "And the night of my triumphant return? Was that the final Big Bang? One more screw for old time's sake?"

Ann at least looked embarrassed. "That was a mistake." She saw my face and backtracked. "They were all mistakes, but that last one was the most stupid. I was so happy and horny you were back, plus I really had a lot to drink. Your Da..he talked me into it one last time, just for closure he said. He would not let me leave the room, kept pestering me. You were passed out on the sofa downstairs. My booze mind told me one more time would not matter."

"So Ann, for the first time in 8 months I was going to get to make love to my wife, but you were going to give me his sloppy seconds? God, I think I am going to hurl."

Tears started to form in Ann's eyes. "I swear that is not what I was thinking. I was not even thinking that far ahead. At most I thought you were out for the count and I could bathe later. Be all fresh and ready for you in the morning, we would make a whole day catching up."

I took a deep breath. "Ann you do know this means divorce. I cannot live with what you did to me. I know it is going to be tough on the kids, but I cannot live with you after that. I may not be some 'He Man Rambo', but I do have some self-respect."

She turned toward me. "Randal do you just want me to just crawl into a hole someplace? Is that it? Go away and suffer a slow and painful death."

"No Ann." I replied. "I do not wish you a slow and painful death, something quick, perhaps like an airplane crash." There was shock in her face. "I already have a suit picked out for your funeral. However, if you want me to speak at the burial, don't expect any kind words at your parting."

This time Ann jumped up and ran to the exit. The sheriff pounded twice and she escaped when the Deputy opened the door.

+++++

I was held for another day, as no one knew what to do with me. I alternated between depression and resignation. A steady stream of cops, both undercover and otherwise I had worked with, stopped in to commiserate. Most all had been divorced at least once, I guess it goes with the territory. Few had kind words about their ex-wives, and I heard plenty of horror stories about divorce court. I guess their advice can best be summed up as "Bitches be Crazy."

On the third day, I was escorted by two men who had 'Government' written all over them, to a huge suite in the downtown hotel. I was surprised to see in the middle of the suite, taking on a cell phone in front of window overlooking the city 'T Bone', the Federal District attorney that was oversaw 'Operation Great White' and was overseeing the Federal Court case against a lot of the major players.

He waved me to a plush chair, where a silver coffee service was laid out.

I was pouring myself a cup of coffee when T Bone ended his call and took a seat across from me.

"What the hell is this Jerry Springer shit you got going on? I do not need this kind of sideshow fucking up the biggest case in my career."

T Bone may be a Federal Attorney, but I was past caring. What was he going to do, throw me in jail? Take my kids away from me? "Gee, T Bone, I am sorry my wife having an affair, and screwing my own father is interfering with your political career. I will ask the slut to take more care with her partners in the future so as to not inconvenience you."

T Bone got a shocked look on his face, than broke into a laugh. "You do got a big set of balls on you, don't you?" He picked up a coffee cup. "But I should have known that after reading the reports of some of the stuff you pulled during this operation."

I kept drinking my coffee.

"We need this to go away Randal. I leaned pretty heavy on the State Attorney to withhold the charges that dipwad's office had pending. That office has a major Federal Grant in the pipe and he does not want me holding it up. There is a lot of heavy lifting coming up and I need you as one of my star witnesses to have his head in the game. What do I need to do to make you happy?"

"Easy, first I want to see my kids, like yesterday." T Bone nodded as he tapped something on a PC table. "And get me a divorce from that inborn slut of a wife."

"Whoa Randal. You sure you want to get rid of the women over a little bedroom antics?"

I looked at him like he was crazy. "T Bone, that women Ann, screwed my own father in my son's bedroom."

T Bone just shrugged. "So? My Dad has a string of mistresses around the world. My Mom is fucking every pool boy and tennis pro of legal age. They are going to be married 30 years next June. The important thing is they are there for each other when it is needed. Marriage is all about appearances and what your spouse can do for you. It's not the Middle Ages, you don't own each other's bodies."

I shook my head. "Maybe in your crowd, but I take 'forsaking all others' seriously."

T Bone leaned back. "What about 'Till death do us part', or 'for better or worse', you recall those portions of your marriage contract?"

I put down my cup. "Well, I don't want you to kill her.."

T Bone slapped me on the shoulder, and laughed. "You would have made a good lawyer, always looking for the loopholes. Let me set up a meeting and see what I can do."

+++++

T Bone was true to his word about getting me to see my kids, even if Ann was not, as the restraining order was still in place. However having US Federal Marshals pick up and watch over the children while they were visiting me reinforced her objections of the danger I would pose.

I was still barred from my house, but T Bone took care of that too.

"Randal, this 3 bedroom suite is all yours. Order anything you want from clothes to a bunch of call girls. As we like to say in Government service, 'Nothing is too good when it's someone else's money'."

I looked around the huge suite. "Uh..Thanks T Bone, but I do not need 3 bedrooms."

T Bone wave his hand. "Well two of the bedrooms are for the US Marshalls keeping you company. You pissed off some mighty violent people. I need to keep you safe."

"This would not have anything to do with keeping me away from Ann and out of jail, would it."

T Bone gave me what looked like a campaign smile. "Now you see the big picture, you understand, we aren't dealing with the planet of apes here. Just let me try to take care of it, okay?"

++++

A week later we were seated in a massive conference room at some law office T Bone was pals with.

Ann tried to sit next to me, but I got up and moved to the other side of the table. T Bone looked irritated at my maneuver.

"Okay, can we stop the musical chairs now?" T Bone said, clapping his hands. "The purpose of this little get together is how do we make all parties involved whole?"

Ann spoke up. "I never wanted any of this. I just want Randal to come home, and forget everything so we can start over, pretend it never happened."

"Randal?" T Bone said, and all eyes turned to me.

"Not going to happen. That is like saying "If dinosaurs had space ships they would still be around today."

Ann looked at me. "Don't start. There is hope for us still."

"Hope is a sign of foolishness. My life is over here, I cannot stay in this town any longer. I have to quit my job, move, start over."

T Bone tapped the table. "Well good, finally some place I can help you both out here. Randal, Ann, I can have you placed in WITSEC, the Witness Security Program run by the US Marshals, more commonly known as the Witness Protection Program. You both get new identities, jobs, a complete clean slate. Like one big do over."

Ann was having none of that. "I am not uprooting my whole family. I have lived in this place my entire life, all my friends are here, my hairdresser, my OBGYN. I just can't pack up and start over."

T Bone did his best and tried to allay Ann's fears. "I assure you there are many fine stylists and competent medical professionals in other parts of the county. The US Marshals have a great program to get you set up, complete with everything from dentists to day care. Everything will be OK in the end."

"And what if it's not OK?" Ann said crossing her arms.

T Bone shrugged. "Then it is not the end yet."

T Bone's cell phone rang, he looked at the number and scowled. "Excuse me, I need to take this." And he walked to a corner of the room turning his back.

Ann looked at me. "Randal we need to end this charade. I admit I screwed up big time. But you need to take some responsibility too. If you had been thinking of your family and not gone off playing 'Serpico' we would never be in this mess."

Ann held up her hand when I tried to speak. "And yes Randal, I accept the major part of the fault for what happened. But look at you, all you can think of is yourself. The hospital called, your Dad is asking for you. Have you even seen him?"

"Yes Ann, I see you and him fucking in my son's room on the Aladdin bedspread every time I close my eyes. I may never watch another Disney cartoon ever again."

Ann gritted her teeth. "I know I made a mistake, but I am only human. I have given you time to get over it. Now it is time to pull up your big boy pants and let us get on with our life."

"So that's your solution? You pull down your big slut girl pants to fuck your kid's Grandfather, and I need to 'get over it'?

"I didn't say it would be easy, go do what you have to do to make it right in your mind. Go screw a bunch of women if you think it would make us even."

"So I can give your sister a call?"

Ann's face registered shock. "You..wouldn't!"

I knew I had gotten to her now. Ann's sister was the complete opposite of Ann. A tall, sexy, curvy babe and a megawatt smile with an outgoing personality to match that had guys buzzing around her since puberty. The family joke was Ann had got the brains and her sister the beauty. Ann was extremely insecure when it came to her sister.

"Sure Ann, why not? She always liked me." That was kinda true, in reality Ann's sister like all guys and was always up for a good time.

"My sister is ..off limits." Ann stuttered.

"What? You want me to fuck your mother?"

"You're sick. She is old enough to be YOUR mother"

"Really? You banged a guy, many times I may add, that was old enough to be your kids Grandfather."

"It was not that often Randal. Don't make it more than it was."

"Ann, the only place 'fucking your relatives' kind of behavior is normal is on the Jerry Springer show."

"I said I was sorry. What more do you want?"

"I want to divorce your inbred, white trash, trailer park, hillbilly, incest loving, slut ass."

"Goddamn it Randal, I am the mother of your children, not any of those things."

"Really? What do you call it when someone screws their relatives?"

"A mistake! A single stupid error in judgment, never to be repeated. I am not going to wait forever Randal, and I am not going to pay for it for the rest of my life because your ego can't take a little hit. You divorce me and I will do everything in my power to keep your kids from you. I don't care who your big shot friends are." She pointed at T Bone talking in the corner. "It will be like sandpaper, I will use every means to wear you down."

Just then T Bone ended his phone call and walked back to the table. Flashing his vote getting smile, he asked.

"Okay, now where were we?"

++++

The next few months had me wishing for my boring life back. The days were filled with depositions with the armies of law firms the defendants from "Operation Great White' had snagged. The evenings were debriefings and going over reams of reports and transcripts from 'Operation Great White'. I felt like the Great White Dope for ever getting involved in the whole mess.

The only bright spot was getting to see my boy's. They were always thrilled to be with me. T Bone spared none of the taxpayers expense to make sure the twins and I had a good time together. However in the divorce proceedings T Bone's influence ran out.

"Sorry Randal." T Bone said. "The judge assigned to your case is a cranky old bastard a year from mandatory retirement. Plus the old goat has a hard on for the Federal Government, so I if I try some back door stuff, it may do you more harm than good."

He tried to cheer me up. "I got two guys trailing your wife Ann. She refused federal protection, but that does not mean we cannot keep an eye on her for the sake of your children's safety. Naturally any bad behavior they observe can be used in a court of law."

"You get anything?"

T Bone signed. "No, not really. Your wife Ann is drinking a bit more than usual, and I had your sheriff set up a 'random' traffic stop on her route home from work. She was within the legal limit, but just barely."

I was thinking about the whole mess I was in. "It is just so unfair." I said.

T Bone thought I was talking about his tactics. "Randal, anytime you find yourself in a fair fight you have planned very poorly."

+++++

Early one Sunday morning two Federal Marshalls rushed into my room and roused me out bed.

"Hurry! Get up! We got to go NOW!"

I am not a 'morning person', so everything was a blur to me, when I woke up fully, I found myself in the basement of the courthouse.

The room was filled with a dozen people, Marshals, sheriffs, Feds, but everyone seemed to defer to an older gentleman sitting at some type of table with a secretary next to him.

I was stunned when a door opened and T Bone, followed by my wife Ann, who appeared to be hung over were escorted into the room.

Ann looked bewildered (as was I), when she was placed in a chair. There was a hush in the room as T Bone approached the older man at the desk. The US Marshall next to me whispered. "That's the Federal Magistrate for this district."

T Bone started speaking in a clear voice. "Your honor we have requested this emergency hearing to have an immediate order of protection placed for the wards of one of my witnesses in an ongoing Federal Case."

T Bone pivoted and pointed at Ann. "I request that we have that woman's children removed from her domicile immediately as she has placed these minors, the Federal Government's key witness children, in grave danger and harm's way."

Ann jumped out of her chair. "I have NEVER done anything to hurt my babies! And I NEVER WILL!"

One of the US Marshall put her hand on Ann's shoulder and forced her back into the chair.

T Bone continued as if Ann had never spoken. "We are dealing with some violent elements in this case, and I was fearful of witness tampering and outside forces trying to coerce our case. The lady there," he pointed at Ann, "refused offered protection, but I had resources assigned to her discreetly for her own safety."

T Bone then passed some papers to Federal Magistrate. "I also had the one of the legal owners of the house give permission to install surveillance inside the domicile for security. An astute precaution as it turned out."

T Bone nodded at a man who started a video being displayed on a 70 inch screen.

The video showed the inside of my house. An obviously drunk Ann staggered in the door with a grungy looking biker guy. When he turned I recognized him. It was 'Chatterbox'!, the damn guy I had met from the outlaw biker gang that had started this whole mess.

T Bone kept up a running commentary about 'Chatterboxes' criminal history, outstanding wants and warrants and how he had met Ann that night and their interaction. I was listening with half an ear as I watched them proceed up the stairs as the video switched to a camera in the bedroom.

Mercifully T Bone fast forwarded through Chatterbox and Ann's sexual escapades, although watching them go thru the motions of fucking at 30x speed did have some comic appeal, especially when Ann was sucking him, trying to get Chatterbox up for the 3rd time.

T Bone resumed normal speed when it appeared Ann had fallen asleep, exhausted from her exertions. Chatterbox jumped off the bed and raced down the stairs. He opened the front door and a host of bikers raced in, ransacking the house, opening every drawer and shelf.

I rose out of my chair when I saw one of the bikers open my son's bedroom door. The Marshall next to me whispered. "Don't worry we were watching the whole time. There was a heavily armed SRT unit at both doors waiting to burst in if needed."

My mind came back to T Bone speaking, as Ann's 'guests' exited the house on the video monitor.

"Your honor the SRT team was able to apprehend the men you saw in that video. All were armed, and all had a history of violent crime. It is only good fortune that no one was injured."

Ann started crying, sobbing into her hands.

T Bone continued talking. 'The children have temporarily been relocated into a safe environment at a federal facility, and I request they be placed with their father, and later in WITSEC for their own protection."

Ann jumped out of her chair shaking off a Marshals attempt to restrain her. "YOU cannot take my children God Damn you!"

The Federal Magistrate looked up as Ann was bear hugged by a man in a Sheriff Deputy outfit. "Ma'am, from what I have seen on video, and read in this report, you willing invited a known wanted felon into your home. Thus you placed the welfare of the children in jeopardy, with utter disregard to the consequences of your actions."