How High a Price: Another View - M

"It was different when I cheated on you, but the effect was the same. The only exception to the pattern was John Stickner... sort of. It's part of why I couldn't let you think that he was the only one."

Early felt his temper begin to rise, "Surly you know how this makes me feel about you?"

Early could see Susan's broken heart in her eyes, "I know Early, it murders my most cherished fantasy. I love pretending, daydreaming really, that you knew everything through that detective you hired and might want to work past all this with me. Oh, I know it was a fantasy, I wouldn't allow someone like me in my life again if I were you." She took a deep breath, sighed, then looked back up into Early's eyes. "It doesn't alter the fact that you need to forgive me so you can get on with your life."

Before Early could explode she hastened to add, "Forgiving me doesn't mean you have to take me back, or have me in your life. I don't expect that, like I said, it was a fantasy. What I have to do is help you get past your love of me to indifference. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. As long as you hate me, you're connected to me. When you can get past that, then I won't be a factor in your happiness, and more than anything I want you happy..."

She broke down and cried softly for a few minutes. Early had the strongest impulse to take her in his arms and comfort her. She must have sensed it because she held out her hand to hold him at bay. "Early, please know this is by far the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. I swore I wouldn't cry. I've spent hours on my knees praying for the strength to do this without making it harder on you. I know letting you see my pain hurts you. You're a good man, Early. It can't be any other way.

"Early, I beg you to let me finish this. I think it'll help you, but I just can't right now. I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Please, let me meet you someplace tomorrow, it'll give you some time to absorb what I've told you and give me time to recover."

Early felt like a straw whirling in the vortex of a F5 tornado. With that image came one of the common anomalies found after the strongest of tornados had past. It was common to find bits of straw, or even grass, half buried in telephone poles. Early knew that the wind didn't actually drive the straw into the pole. The low pressure of the tornado opened to fibers of the pole and straw just lodged there as the pole contracted again. Early shook his head to clear the trivia. The physics of it didn't matter; what mattered was that in an emotional storm like this, impossible things happened. As he watched Susan's pain, it touched him in impossible ways. Ways he didn't want to be touched, and although finding answers to his questions seemed more urgent now than ever, he wanted distance right now, too.

Straining to keep the emotion out of his voice he said, "I think that's a good idea. Tomorrow is a day at sea. Perhaps we can find a quiet place to meet after lunch."

Susan's face brightened. "Thank you, Early. I appreciate this. Could we meet at the Latitudes at noon? I'll have my act together, and I have to confess I'm looking forward to trying some of the restaurants on this ship."

Early hadn't intended to ask her to join him for lunch, but didn't see an easy way to un-invite her. "Okay, Latitudes requires a reservation, I'll make them for us at noon... " Early was struggling for a way to ask not to see her before then when Susan again showed her remarkable ability to read him.

"Don't worry, Early, I'll make myself scarce until lunch. I would like to use the gym just before lunch, about ten if that's okay?"

Early nodded that it was, and without another word Susan quietly let herself out of the suite. Early retired to his private porch to commune with the stars and with whatever being was out there. The longer he stayed the madder he got... He just couldn't decide who he was mad at and exactly why he was furious. His ex-wife was a slut and a whore, by her own admission she'd cheated on him dozens of times, but he'd divorced her and that should have balanced the books. He was mad as hell that she was on the ship, yet he'd invited her, sort of, and he really wanted to hear the rest of her story.

Chapter 8 – The Conversation Part 2

It was well after three in the morning when he'd finally worked out why he was so mad. That damn bitch was robbing him of the illusion of the happy marriage he'd thought he'd had. She had made a fool of him for years and that made him mad as hell. What robbed his sleep though was anger at himself that he still cared about what she had done and why. He didn't love her, that was certain, but he felt a deep need to understand what had happened, why he'd been so wrong about the most important relationship in his life.

Even Early's sour mood couldn't destroy the epicurean's delight they were served at lunch. By mutual agreement last night's discussion wasn't mentioned until they'd left the restaurant and were strolling the ship looking for an isolated corner for a private chat.

As they strolled they discovered vast empty spaces, whole lounges as empty as a honky-tonk at breakfast, but Early couldn't settle and they walked on making small talk. Finally, Susan said, "Early, my cheating never humiliated you or made you less of a man. I know that technically I made you a cuckold, but you never accepted it, not even for a second, and it doesn't reflect on you at all, except perhaps because you looked at me through the lens of love and didn't see what a horrible person I really am. In your defense, no one else ever knew either. I never felt the need to 'share' my stupidity with my girlfriends or with anyone else. Not one of the men I cheated with ever knew my name, much less yours. You never saw them and they never had anything to lord over you. Not that you have to believe me, but I've never had a sex partner whose skills put them in your universe, much less in your class.

"My cheating had nothing to do with you, but only with the rottenness of my character. I was very careful, except with John, never to do anything that might be discovered by you. There were always days between the time I was with someone else and when I was with you. I never gave you sloppy seconds or anything like that. I never thought about any sex partner when I was with you, never, not a single time. I did think about you every time I was with someone else. I think that was one reason that the actual sex was never very good. Oh, and I certainly never did anything with a sex partner, that's what I called them, and how I thought of them, not really men, just sex partners. I never did anything sexually with them that I refused to do with you. The only position was standard missionary.

"Early, you have nothing to hang your head about. I'm a smart woman and a skilled liar, I'm a lawyer, and I'm trained to hide my real feelings which I did well. You need to understand that you're the 100% victim here. My bad behavior began years before I ever met you and the only reason you caught me was because I was actually trying not to be involved with John."

Early whirled on her, "So you thought no harm no foul? What I didn't know wouldn't hurt me? What about AIDS or a hundred other things..."

Susan gripped Early's arms, "Yes, to an extent I thought 'no harm, no foul.' I was that stupid, but I had had years of experience thatPROVED I would never get caught. Early, I'm not trying to justify what I did. I will suffer the rest of my life for it and I will never complain that my punishment is unfair. The major reason was that I just didn't think of what I was doing as cheating on you. You weren't any part of it. I said the words 'forsaking all others,' but I never meant them. I would never have agreed to an open marriage, but after thinking about it for the years since that weekend with John, I'm sure I would not have accepted you doing what I did either. It's not logical and I wasn't fair. I was a selfish bitch and awfully stupid for such a smart woman."

Early felt his blood pressure rising, "And you think I should just forgive you and pretend none of this ever happened? Well that's..."

"Early! You do have to forgive me, you don't have to pretend it didn't happen, you don't even have to let me try to make it up. I don't mean by marrying me either, I mean by making you whole. That was a terrible letter; my only excuse is that I was dying inside while I wrote it, but there were a lot of things I got right even back then. I didn't mean to try to manipulate you, it was... I guess I was trying manipulate you but I didn't expect you to come back to me. Even then I knew that wouldn't be best for you and I want what is best for you more than I want anything else."

Early felt his guts twist. He was engaged in a sort of emotional judo. Every time he lashed out at her, he felt like he was kicking a puppy, and his self-disgust out-weighed any pleasure the emotional hitting may have brought him. And most frustrating to him, he didn't think he was any closer to understanding the answers he so desperately wanted. "Susan, in the simplest terms you can, why did you cheat on me?"

Susan looked up at him, her eyes full of love and sadness. "Early, until you understand it wasn't simple you won't understand my answers. The closest to simple was Stickner. He was putting pressure on me to reward him for his help. I had some vague plan to turn the tables on him; he was a pretty slimy creature, but for heaven's sake I had all the family money to be totally independent. For that matter I could take him on in a sexual harassment suit that would have ruined him. I agreed to break my own rules because I wanted to make sure that he would never reveal what we did and he wouldn't hit on someone else who didn't have my resources. He was the only person I ever spent the night with besides you, and that includes my old lovers. I had wired the room we were going to be in that night, but he wouldn't have gone if I hadn't agreed to all the stuff we did at his house first. I'm so sorry you had to see that.

"No, all that is the flimsiest cover on the real reason, I wanted to see what it was like to be with someone who used other people sexually like I did. It was worse than horrible by the way. Oh, the sex was almost adequate, but if he'd been a lover he would have been the worst. That's part of what made it so bad. It was the only time I had ever felt like I was cheating. When we talked on the phone that first time, when I lied to you, my stomach hurt. I'd like to say I'd decided to change to stop fucking around before you caught me, before I knew the consequences, but I can't honestly swear that he would have been the last one. After Stickner I would have stopped, but I don't know that I would never have started again. Early, can you see what an awful person you were married to? Can you see how much better you are off without me as your wife? Why did I cheat? Because I was a cheater and I didn't value my vows. Because I loved the tension of..."

She turned away, crying again. Early had to hold one hand with the other, knuckles turning white, to keep from taking her in his arms to comfort her. He hated her yet it hurt to see her hurting. It bothered him to hear her talk about herself the way she did--he felt an impulse to defend her. At the same time he wanted to rail at her, to call her every vile name he could conjure up. Turning on his heel Early marched off, leaving a sobbing Susan leaning over a railing.

By dinner time Early knew that he was releasing some of the anger that left his muscles twitching. That anger had been a constant part of him since he first saw the private detective's pictures. He was relieved that he didn't see her in Signatures that evening, although a small part of him wanted to lash out and tell her to stay out of his way, a part he couldn't understand wanted to hear more, to understand.Have I become a glutton for punishment or what?

The next day the ship re-lived Monday all over again as they crossed the International Date Line. Early spent much of the day in his suite just thinking and trying to understand why he was reacting the way he was.

On Tuesday May 2nd they arrived at Bora Bora right on schedule at 9:00 AM. Early left with the first group but didn't take the excursion he'd booked. Instead he set off wandering and soon found himself in the poorest section of the island. He was struck by two things--first the squalor of third world poverty. But it was what he noticed second that had the stronger emotional impact. He saw little scenes of people who were laughing, who seemed happy despite their poverty. The irony wasn't lost on him. In the hierarchy of the ship, his cabin suite placed him at the pinnacle of wealth and luxury, yet these people whose lifetime earnings probably wouldn't pay for his twenty-seven-night cruise seemed so much happier than he.

And all because a cheating bitch decided to dump me... Early paused in mid-thought. He'd dumped Susan she hadn't dumped him! She'd never wanted the divorce, she wanted...

Early had continued walking but now stopped dead in his tracks. She had been the one to throw the marriage away. By cheating on him, right from the start she'd never valued their marriage, never valued him! She had never put him first, she'd never forsaken all others... He'd done what he could to punish her, but now looking honestly at the situation he understood that a major reason he hadn't been able to move on was because he hated being dumped, especially when he didn't understand it.

This whole cheating from before they'd even met didn't make any sense. He believed her, but it was just so out of character with everything else he thought he knew about her. Forsaking all others meant so much more than not having sex outside of the marriage. It meant that your spouse would be the most important person in your life. More important than your parents, more important than your children... He'd always been sure Susan had done that. She'd shown in so many ways by her actions that he did place his happiness above her own... except... except... The pain of her betrayal had receded over time, but the pain of having her shred the most important relationship of his whole life hadn't faded even a smidgen.

Susan had forced him to throw her out; she had understood that he wouldn't tolerate another man in their marriage, but even though she gave, and had always given, every indication that she wanted their marriage as much as he, she'd made it impossible. She hadn't attempted to excuse her behavior with psychobabble about being a sex addict or any other such nonsense, but... but why did she feel the need to cheat? Early still didn't understand, and it made his guts twist.

Early spent the next three days involved in doing tourist stuff, first on Moorea then at Papeete. He did some sightseeing, the obligatory para-sailing, but he spent as much time as he could snorkeling. One of the things that Early had learned on this trip was that he loved snorkeling. He knew that the tour boat operators fed the fish at the same locations every time to draw fish, but then so did deer lease operators. What was important was that it felt like you were swimming in an aquarium.

Over his life, Early had made many attempts to have an aquarium. He shuddered to think about how much he'd spent trying to have one. At one point he was buying 25 Neons a week while cleaning his tank every other day. Some people have a green thumb and others a talent for raising fish... Susan had a talent for both. Their garden had always been beautiful, and she'd had a gorgeous aquarium before they married.

By that time Early had given up years earlier, and in a rare pique had told her he didn't really like private aquariums. Truthfully, he'd been afraid he'd kill them and didn't want the responsibility of trying to maintain Susan's beloved fish. Susan had given her aquarium away and never mentioned it.How can a woman love me enough to give away her favorite hobby, yet cheat on me?

During his last snorkeling on Thursday morning in Papeete, Early knew that he had to finish the conversation he'd started with Susan. He'd decided he'd have to force himself to forego the once in a lifetime opportunity to browse the native shops in Nuku Hiva... balanced against that shopping opportunity, meeting an ex-wife didn't seem quite as distasteful.

** ** ** ** **

Friday was a day at sea and a formal dinner. Early decided that he'd take Susan to dinner, she'd always loved to dress up. After some dancing they'd be able to have the talk with a pleasant social evening to cushion the hardness that would follow.

Early was strolling in one of the myriad lounges waiting for Susan to join him for their 8:00 dinner reservation. When he caught sight of her in her formal gown it took his breath away. It also made his heart ache. To see such a magnificent creature and to know that she was once his.

Early offered his arm and was very aware of heads turning as he escorted her to their table. Tonight they were dining alone at a table not far from the grand piano being played by a performance artist who played difficult pieces with flashy cross hand movements. Her repertoire was eclectic to say the least. She alternated current hits with classics by Chopin and Brahms. The dinner menu included lobster tails, and the waiter made a show of removing the meat from the shell. The meat was perfect, and when the waiter asked in a conspiratorial tone if he would like more, Early eagerly agreed to not only a second tail, but a third.

It was a choice he almost regretted a little later when they were dancing in the aft lounge. The ship encountered a squall, and for the first time on the entire voyage it began to sway both from side to side and to corkscrew up and down. At first it was just a minor hindrance to Early's less than accomplished dancing. Susan, always the better dancer pretended not to notice when Early trod on her feet, but even her skill was taxed when he managed to trip her. Early, grimly determined to ignore the gyrations of the ship, acknowledged defeat when his stomach announced that barring some sort of action, the lobster tails were coming back for a re-match. Based on his experience in smaller boats, Early sought a place were he could see the motion of the sea.

Early leaned on the rail overlooking the nearly empty pool through the rain-splattered glass. They were the only ones in lounge on deck twelve, the top of the ship. For the entire cruise, the ship had been so stable that Early had been disappointed with the lack of feeling of being at sea. Now, Early watched as three foot waves rocked in the indoor pool on deck eleven. Susan was standing right beside him. They couldn't hear the wind howling, but as they'd passed the outdoor pool they'd watched several deck chairs take flight before the attendants could gather and secure them. The bit of fresh air had handled the insipient sea sickness, calledmal de mar by the ship's crew to make the horrible condition sound classy. Watching the ship and the water in the pool, quieted the rest of the protests from Early's inner ear about the wrongness of this world at sea.

The setting seemed perfect to discuss the tumultuous end of their marriage. Turning to Susan Early said, "I'm finding it hard to believe that you never considered that your cheating would ruin our marriage. You're too smart to not given that thought."

Susan turned as well, and looked up at Early with guileless eyes. "Early, my cheating was highly compartmentalized. I never considered stopping, so my thought pattern was more 'How do I make certain that Early never finds out about this part of me.' It was something to be hidden, not given up. It was as if I had a secret drug habit to hide from you, but that makes it sound like some sort of addiction.