How High a Price: Another View - M

"I had full control of what I did and I could have stopped at any point. I should have stopped; hell I did stop, after it was too late and it wasn't hard at all. I guess a better analogy would be if I were a closet sky-diver or bungee-jumper. The thrill for me ended as soon as the sex started." She stopped and looked deeply into Early's eyes.

Early waited until she continued, "The first element was the hunt. Except that first time when I lost my virginity, I never actively sought out a sex partner. If the conditions were right, you were out of town or I was, and someone who looked acceptable approached... I guess that's not completely honest, I'd place myself in a circumstance where what I wanted to happen could happen. It was actually very elaborate. I'd find an excellent reason to be at a place away from our normal haunts. Like meeting a client at the Hilton at the airport. I'd go early and see if anyone I thought was acceptable hit on me. If they did, I'd rebuff them publicly but get their phone numbersub-rosa. Then if they were from out of town and married, I'd have them get a room at the Plaza.

"You know I love that restaurant and it's on their top floor. It's not far from my office and if anyone saw me there alone and mentioned it to you, you wouldn't be suspicious. Depending on the timing, I would either stop by the sex partner's room before or after a dinner. The interludes never took long..."

Early interrupted, "I feel like I've been dropped down Alice's rabbit hole. 'The interludes never took long!' What the hell where you doing throwing away our marriage on something that didn't even matter to you?"

Susan had a firm but soothing voice, "I had no intention of throwing our marriage away. The sex partner always wore condoms, and I took every precaution not to get caught. I know how stupid this all sounds; I've lived with the insanity of it for three years now. I was doing it for the thrill I got by making myself vulnerable to a stranger, to the danger of the situation. It really did have more in common with bungee jumping than sex. Early, I was doing it for that emotion I felt when I took off my clothes in front of a man to have sex. I was doing it for the special vulnerability I felt when I opened myself to allow him to enter me. Once he was in me, the thrill was gone and I just wanted the whole thing over.

"I told you that I never thought about them when I was with you, but I frequently pretended one of them was you when I was a with them. It makes what I did ever so much worse. I didn't even realize it at the time. I was betraying you, your trust, I was taking chances with my life and your happiness, all for a momentary thrill. It wasn't a sickness, or some sort of mental disorder, it was just a cheap thrill."

Early was having a hard time absorbing what Susan had said. It would have been one thing to throw something as valuable as their relationship away for another relationship, but this... This was throwing pearls before swine. She hadn't valued fidelity enough not to throw it away over affairs. "It was sexual, you had sex with those men and you shared an experience that should have been mine alone. How many were there anyway?"

Susan looked up at him, her eyes unflinching, "It was sex, betrayal, adultery, cheating; it was intolerable and there's no way you would have put up with it or accepted it. I could never respect you if you had been willing to let me do what I was doing. That's the point of all my being here Early. You were right to divorce me and you're right to not let me come back. The only thing that isn't right is to keep holding on to your anger at me for destroying something precious, not our marriage, but your image of our marriage. I wish I had been the person you thought I was, but I wasn't. You need to put me behind you. I want to finish this cruise, Early, but to finish it as friends who made a mistake in getting married but corrected it with a divorce and can now be friends again."

She searched his eyes, "I don't think that'll work though. I think I'll need to leave the ship at Nuku Hiva tomorrow and fly home. I think that will be easier on you. It'll give you a week alone to absorb what I've told you. When you get back to Seattle, you can give me a call if there's anything else you want to cover. Or if you like to tear my hide off for what I did to you, or anything else that will help you move on with your life."

Early felt a bitterness well up inside him, "Is that it? Is this what it all boils down to? I made a mistake marrying the wrong person and now I'm supposed to go out and find the right one?"

Early could see Susan trying to keep the sadness out of her face, "Early, I wish it were more, but sometimes there just aren't any big causes. I presented you with all my best sides. I'm smart, I can make you laugh, I'm not hard on the eyes, and I was devoted to you totally--except monogamy, which I hid. The cross I have to bear is knowing that when I chose between a good life and a cheap thrill, I chose to ruin two lives. I can't fix mine, but I need to try to help you fix yours.

"In that vein, I'll do anything that helps you. I read in a story once about a man who would spend an hour a day venting at his wife for her cheating. She wasn't allowed to answer or respond in any way. She just had to listen to him. The idea was that it let the husband release some of his pain and let him know that she understood. We're not married, but if you ever feel the need to just vent, I'll always be willing to listen. I'll answer or just absorb as you want. Early, I've hurt you. I didn't mean to, but that's no excuse. I can't think of anything that I wouldn't do to try to make it better for you."

The squall seemed to be losing its power, but Early's emotions weren't calmed in the least. He couldn't imagine that he'd ever want to see Susan after what he'd learned, but it was possible that railing and ranting at some point might make him feel better. For now, he was just relieved that she was leaving the ship. This was a huge ship, but too small a place to avoid someone who wasn't chained to her cabin. It violated Early's sense of fairness to ask Susan or anyone else to stay in their cabin while sailing on this slice of paradise.

Susan left the ship right after they docked at noon the next day. Early cancelled his shore excursion and stayed in his cabin until they sailed five hours later. Nuku Hiva was their last port of call. They would spend the next week at sea arriving back in LA on Saturday. Early watched from one of the stern lounges as the island fell behind them. Shortly before dark it looked like a low cloud on the horizon. It seemed some sort of metaphor for his relationship with Susan, but he couldn't decide exactly what.

He'd loved Susan, but it had been like this cruise, a dream. He'd loved someone who didn't exist and who caused him more pain than he thought possible for a human to endure. Yet a question kept niggling at the far reaches of his mind. Knowing what he knew now, would he do it all over again? Did the good outweigh the bad? On balance was their marriage something to be remembered fondly, or something to be erased to the extent possible? Being honest, he had been happy, but it had been a lie... Images and memories swirled in Early's brain, the good contaminating the bad... sorting them out seemed an insurmountable problem... but Early was an excellent problem solver.

** ** ** ** **

Chapter 9 A Different Sort of Talk

Six Days Later:

Early was again standing behind the windshield on deck twelve where he and Susan had their last talk. For the second time on the trip they were encountering rough weather. They were due in LA in the morning, and the captain had been very apologetic that they couldn't avoid the storm and still dock on schedule. Early had been daunted by the task of getting all his stuff back into his suitcases and ready for pickup before midnight. He'd called his steward to find out the deadline and had quickly accepted the steward's offer to let him pack for Early. Early only packed a carry-on for what he would need in LA.

That unpleasant task delegated, Early had vacated his suite to get out of the way. The weather made any activity on the open decks impossible. The combination of the weather making the decks uncomfortable and everyone's need to pack gave the ship a empty feeling. Restless, Early had finally gone back to deck twelve to watch the winds and the waves.Mal de mar wasn't a concern this time because Early had taken some Dramamine as soon as the captain had recommended that guests might want to consider medication before the ship encountered the storm.

No, Early's stomach wasn't what had him at the highest point of the ship this late afternoon watching the angry ocean doing its best to disrupt or destroy the ship. No, it was the storm in Early's soul, a storm even more violent than the twenty to twenty-five foot waves, driven by gale force winds, crashing over the bow.

Early had spent the last six days alternating between quiet meditation, serious introspection about his life and what he wanted from it, and blinding anger. For the first day or so after Susan left, Early hadn't been fit company for man nor beast. While Susan was there, he'd been unable to absorb the breadth of her betrayal. With her gone, for the first time Early understood how some spouses could commit murder. His fertile imagination produced repeated images of Susan taking off her clothes for other men, of her opening herself to accept their cocks into her. Early was so furious that several times he picked up the ship-to-shore phone to call her and vent, only to be deterred by remembering that it would still cost him $7.50 a minute.

Sometime after lunch on the second day, when Early was jogging around the track on deck twelve, he stopped and looked over the bow. Asking himself for the ten millionth time why the images should bother him. For the ten million and first time he told himself that it was history, in the past, and should be of no concern. Then he asked himself to imagine Susan meeting someone now, right this minute in her apartment. Undressing for someone right that instant, preparing to fuck some asshole as he stood looking at the impossibly blue water of the Pacific Ocean.

It was the pain of his death grip on the railing that brought a new clarity. He didn't want Susan fucking anyone, now or in the future. He hadn't realized that he'd been comforted by the portion of her letter that said she was going to be celibate. Being with other women hadn't bothered him, why would Susan's celibacy mean anything? Why did his gut tighten at the very thought of her with another? Early had always been honest with himself; it disturbed him to discover that being honest with yourself about how you feel didn't always mean you knew how you felt. In his honesty, Early had to face his ambivalences.

Early was a problem solver, but in the days since he'd had that insight about Susan's celibacy he hadn't been able solve the problem of Susan. He had clarified his emotions. He knew he hated what she'd done, and he knew he would never share her with others. He understood that he still loved her. Rather he loved the person he had thought she was. Perhaps because she hadn't said the words, "I've changed," all his instincts told him she had changed, had become in fact the woman he had thought he'd been married to. The woman he wanted as a wife, the mother of his children. He knew he wanted to start over, but he also knew that she didn't deserve a second chance. Hell, it wouldn't be a second chance but closer to a twentieth chance depending on how many lovers... no sex partners she'd had during their marriage.

He was most conflicted about trust. By her actions she proved beyond any doubt that she couldn't be trusted. Yet by her actions she showed she was being honest with him... if he could believe her. Being able to make decisions and stick by them was one of Early's strengths, yet now, when he needed to make a choice in his own life, he felt like a tightrope walker half way across a swaying wire.

"It's quite a blow out there; it almost reminds me of when I was in the Navy."

Early turned to see a white-haired, rotund gentleman with a kindly face walk up beside him. He continued, "I hope you don't mind the company, but this is the best place to watch the storm, and I always feel more comfortable if I can see what's coming. I've always had a love-hate relationship with storms. The smaller the ships the stronger the relationship."

Early smothered his irritation and realized he welcomed the distraction. "What sort of ships did you serve on?"

The man smiled, looked at Early then continued in a breezy fashion, "I was always stationed on larger ships, carriers or guided missile cruisers, but my job would take me to every ship in the carrier group. I got stuck in a little destroyer during a hurricane once; I wasn't allowed to come up to the bridge very often, and when I did I regretted it. I saw waves roll over the oh-four deck. I swear the ship would be completely under water, then quiver like a cold, wet dog as it worked its way back to the surface, get hit by a new wave and start all over again. I heard the XO order a work party to check that all the exterior doors were double-dogged-down, because if one came open we'd sink like a rock.

"The only other time I was ever that scared was in a category 5 typhoon on a carrier. The stupid admiral actually ordered the carrier group into the center of the thing quote 'for training purposes' close quote. I swear I saw waves break over the flight deck! That's about ten stories up on a normal day. I may have been the only one on board that saw it, but I swear I did!"

Early chuckled, the man had an engaging voice and an uncanny ability to make those around him feel at ease. "So what are you doing on a long cruise like this, didn't get enough in the Navy?"

"Oh, I got enough of the Navy's style of cruising, and letting women serve aboard ship just made it that much harder for me to be at sea without my wife. We've been married forty years; this cruise was a way to celebrate that. I'm Jim Martin by the way, I'm retired Navy, but I've never lost my interest in meeting new people or going to new places. What brought you aboard? You're quite the mystery man you know. Ensconced in the biggest cabin in the ship but all alone. Never socializing with anyone except that equally mysterious woman who showed up from nowhere and then disappeared. Oh yes, the gossips aboard ship have been having a field day with you."

The man's delivery and timing would have intimidated a stand up comic. Any possible sting of his actual words were lost in the humor of his presentation. Yet Early did have to pause to let them sink in. He always ate with others, except for the occasional meal in his suite, but he'd never been very forthcoming with information beyond the "what's your name, where are you from and what do you do for a living" sort of questions that normally led to small talk.

"That was no mysterious woman, that was my ex-wife!" Early tried to put a Groucho Marx voice to the comment, but his heart wasn't in it.

The old man was silent for a bit, then in a gentle voice asked, "Do you want to talk about it? I don't mean to intrude..."

Early started to defer, but instead he began to talk to the stranger. He rationalized that he'd never see the man again, and sometimes just talking a problem out with another human could give him insight.

The two men talked for hours. It hadn't taken Early long to realize that he was dealing with someone who was an expert in dealing with human relationships. Jim Martin might look like a kindly old man, but he was a wicked inquisitor who seemed to be able to keep digging until he got to the heart of the matter. He used humor and mis-direction to keep his victims off balance. Even as Early became aware, indeed admiring the man's technique, he found that he did want to open up to the man. He shared thoughts and histories that he'd never shared with another living soul, and felt good about doing it.

Finally, after they'd moved so they could see the sun setting beyond the stern of the ship, Jim said, "Early, you know she doesn't deserve your love or your forgiveness, yet you want to do both. I don't want to get all religious on you at this late date but what you're really struggling with is the basis of Christianity,grace. Christianity is the only religion where man doesn't have to 'get right with God' but God made the sacrifice to balance the scales for man. What man has to do is receive his grace. It's one of the hardest things in the world for a real man to accept. There is nothing we can do, on our own, to make things right with God. All we can do is receive his sacrifice or reject it.

"Early, you are in a God-like situation with your ex. There is nothing she can do now or in the future to make things right with you. You can extend grace to her or not. Then, regardless of her response, you can feel good about what you have done, and go with your future. Certainly, if she isn't prepared to change her ways, then it's pretty clear that she doesn't want your grace, but your permission. Which would never work, by the way, not for you, not based on what you've told me about yourself.

"Early, I've got to go get ready for dinner and the farewell party. My wife is going to make me wear my monkey suit tonight. She wanted me to wear my old formal uniform complete with gold cummerbund; fortunately my civilian spread has made that impossible. Still, after all this fine food, I might need to find a girdle to get into what I did bring. Would you care to join us?"

Early thought about it, Jim was a man he wanted to spend time with, but ultimately he wanted to spend time alone thinking about all the things that he'd said. Getting dressed up for a farewell party just didn't appeal to him. He had kept to himself most of the trip and he liked the symmetry of being able to put his old life behind him with the end of this trip. He simply needed to decide what he wanted to do with his new life. Jim had given him something new to think about and Early had always done his best thinking alone.

"You've given me a lot to think about, I think I'm going to pass on the whole gala tonight. I'll probably order into my stateroom and see if the steward needs any help getting me all packed."

Jim gave him a penetrating look then said, "It might take a bit for you to work through all of this, if you want to talk some more give me a call. Here, let me give you my card. You're a good man, Early, and I miss working with good men since I retired."

Early accepted the card and nodded, a bit embarrassed by the praise, and returned to his suite to find that his efficient steward had not only packed everything but that the suitcases had been whisked off as well. Barring a problem at immigration, Early wouldn't see them again until he landed in Seattle.

The next morning Early was up early. When he'd asked his well-tipped steward about what time he'd be able to leave in the morning. That worthy had told him, with a grin, that since he was in the Master's suite he'd probably have to wait until they docked, but if he didn't want to wait that long he could go ashore with the pilot boat.

Early had checked on flights to Seattle and discovered that if he could indeed get off early he might be able to make Alaska Airline's flight 245 at a little after ten and be home for lunch around one. As much as he'd enjoyed his time on this floating luxury liner, Early wanted to get to Seattle and talk to Susan face to face. At least half his urgency was uncertainty about what he would do and how he would react when he encountered her.