I Never Stopped Loving You

"If you decide not to come, this is goodbye."

She bowed her head, shoulders shaking, as the screen went blank.

..................................................

I stood up, and stumbled outside, barely seeing through the remnants of my tears. I needed to be alone for a bit.

I found the bench we had placed under a willow tree and looked out over the valley. It was a scene that comforted me and saddened me at the same time.

I had done a little research. At one point in the late eighteen sixties, the valley and the ones surrounding it were dotted with farms and homesteads. There had been sixteen families living in my valley, along with a little trading post and church. My house hadn't been built yet, that would come twenty years later. Mr Wilcox, the owner of the remaining cabin, had warned the neighbors to build on higher ground, being able to discern the evidence of past floods.

They scoffed, saying that it would never flood like that again, there was a gristmill in the valley above, and the dam would control the water.

Then one April day in eighteen sixty nine, it started raining, hard. It never let up for two days. Mr. Wilcox and his family tried to get the closest neighbors to higher ground, but only one responded. The others were too afraid to leave their livestock and crops.

Survivors say the dam burst around two in the morning. By sunlight, the only cabin left was the one on the ridge. Twenty seven adults and nineteen children were washed away. They found six bodies, wedged here and there in tree branches.

The only evidence there had been a community there was the few chimneys still standing, and the odd board or log stuck in trees and rocks.

The descendants of Mr. Wilcox still come up once a twice a summer. I had the cabin and three acres declared historic property, and granted a sixty foot easement. The only was in is on foot, horseback, or ATV. They've been looking for the community graveyard and signs of the small church for three years, but haven't found it yet.

That's the way I felt now. Washed away, all evidence of me being a good human being wiped from my mind, replaced by debris and a few boards.

..................................................

By the time he had finished that part of his description of the DVD, he was crying. Tears flowed freely from Babs eyes, she had never listened to anything so moving. She seized the opportunity to call for a short intermission.

They went backstage and wiped their eyes and the makeup technician redid their faces for the bright lights.

"Don't worry, Joe, we'll edit the last few minutes out."

He looked at the whole crew sternly.

"YOU WILL NOT! It deserves to be in there, I'll never return here if it isn't."

Babs was amazed but the director was trying to hide a smile. It was the most dramatic, emotional thing he had ever taped, and it should stand.

................................................

Maria left me alone for about an hour before she came out and sat beside me. She didn't say a word. I broke down again.

I begged her to tell me I was still a good person, that I was still worthy of the love I had been given, that I wouldn't burn in hell for the shabby treatment I had given Annie.

"Of course you're worthy. You've just been reminded that you're human, and that we all make mistakes. In the end, it's just as much her fault as yours. Despite what she said, if she had really wanted to, she could have spoke up at any time, before or after she left."

She wrapped her arms around me protectively.

"I still love you, and I always will. And one thing I can promise you, I'll never stop talking to you, even if your fondest desire is for me to just shut up. I'm sorry for Annie, but I'm glad I got you. I've loved you more than any man I've ever met, including the children's biological father."

I stopped crying finally. When I had complete control of my emotions I asked her "So, do you think I should go?"

She nodded.

"I'll make the arrangements tomorrow. You both need this, and I don't think you have time to waste."

Three days later we were on a plane to Rio.

.................................................

"Would you describe the meeting for us, Joe?"

Babs held her breath, She knew of the great emotional impact it had on him, she was his friend after all, and when he approached her about doing the interview, she asked if there was anything she wasn't allowed to ask.

Do what you always do, he said. If I don't want to answer I won't, you'll know and move onto something else.

"It was intense. She was very frail, she only lasted another three weeks, so I was glad I got there when I did."

"Carlos turned out to be a very nice man. He wasn't at all happy I was there, but how do you say no to your dying wife? By the time the day was over, he was a lot more cordial."

"I was with her for about a half an hour, mostly just holding her. She was too weak to say much, and what she did say was for my ears alone, so I'll never repeat it. We cried, and apologized to each other."

"We made peace with each other, finally."

"I was surprised to come out of the bedroom and see Carlos in Maria's arms, crying like a baby. Of course, his wife was dying. Once again I was too blinded by my own needs to consider anyone else."

"He had only spoken Spanish since I met him, so I assumed he had no English."

"I went up to him and told Maria to translate.

"Mr. Soto, I know what you did was very difficult. Thank you for doing it. And I want to thank you also, for being the man you are, the man I should have been. I'm glad she found you, and that her last years were happy. She deserved it. And I truly am sorry for you soon to be loss."

"He was watching me intently while I spoke. As I turned to leave, he stuck out his hand and I shook it."

"Thank you for coming, Mr. Williams. It meant a lot to her. I can see why she fell in love with you, and how she stilled loved you despite what happened. I will be lost and alone without her, but I've a large family, and I'm sure they'll help me cope. And odd as it sounds, thank you for writing the book, it showed me where I made mistakes with my first, and Annie got the benefit."

"When I got home, I thought about the situation a lot. I called Jane and Anne and told them what was going on in my life, and that I needed a favor."

"I was going to use their blog as a platform for my farewell and apology to Annie."

"When I finished and posted it, thanks to the emails they sent out to all the members, the system crashed regularly for ten days on account of the overload."

Babs interjected.

"I know it was part apology and part eulogy, but wasn't it the basis for the book?"

He sighed heavily.

"It was never supposed to be a book. But the response was so strong my old publisher called me up and offered me a deal. I agreed. I hadn't said enough on the blog, and I wanted to finish it."

"You know the deal I made. No promotion or publicity appearances for me. No interviews, except for this one of course."

"I was surprised at the response it got, but I seemed to be surprised that anything I write gets read. It was a small book, only 180 pages."

"I've heard the people that did the first movie wanted the rights. Is there going to be a movie out soon?"

"Not in my lifetime. If the kids want to option it off when I'm gone they can, but I prefer they not. She deserves to rest in piece. In a way I'm glad she passed, so she wasn't exposed to all this again."

"I have to say, even as short as it was, there was a very powerful message. You were brutally honest in admitting your part in the collapse of your marriage."

"I needed to get it out, Babs. I didn't damn her with faint praise, I damned her with silence. I glad she got her side of the mess out."

"Time is running out, Joe. Any final words of wisdom?"

"Not unless you get it from the mouth of a fool. If this last two years has shown me anything, it's that I still don't have a clue. I'm surprised I still have Maria."

"My deepest desire is that after reading any of the foolish mess I've spouted over the last decade and a half someone saves a relationship or a marriage, it will have been worth it."

"Well, goodnight, Joe. As always. it was a pleasure and extremely interesting."

"Good night Babs. Kiss the kids for me, and tell Mike to pay attention to my mistakes."

"Of that, my dear Joe, you can be assured."

"This is Barbara Barnes Perkins, from the auditorium of Mountain State University. Thank you for watching U N C public television, and remember to contribute during pledge months, it's your money that keeps us going. Goodnight, all."

She removed her mike and hugged Joe.

............................................

Joe lived to be sixty eight, when he was killed in a car crash. He was mourned by all five children and eight grandchildren. He managed to live long enough at the hospital to tell Maria he loved her one more time.

Maria lived another fourteen years before she passed. She was a rich attractive widow, so she had her share of men who showed a passing interest in her. One particularly handsome man grew frustrated when he spurned her advances.

"I'm not sure what you're looking for, Maria. I don't know if I can be what you want."

Her answer was elegant in her simplicity.

"I want an average Joe, bu they only made one for me and he's gone. Nothing can replace him."

All her children, including A J, seventeen grandchildren and two great grandchildren mourned her passing.

In case you're wondering, Annie had sent A J a DVD at the same time she sent Joe his, begging for forgiveness. She and Bunny flew down and spent three days with her. She never spoke about it.

...............................................

Well, I don't know what you expected, but this is what you got. Should I have torched her? Maybe.

In the end I decided to let it end like real life, as messy as that can be sometimes.

Until next time.