All Comments on 'InGen Corporation Ch. 03'

I think that last bit was rather jarring. Maybe it's just that I'm not into celebrity fiction.

It would have been sweet if Jack's "stepmother" had been drawn into the action somehow.

I think the end came a bit to quickly between Linda and her son. That could been another chapter in of itself. Also are you planning to keep this going with the different A-listers they get to have fun with?

I really enjoyed most of this. But the last section was not even intelligent. Writing her character to be submissive to a high school kid with a bad attitude was a rotten idea and messes up the story. The ending of throwing around celebrity names is just tacky. You took a great story that was still developing and did a 'crash and burn' really quickly. The last part doesn't even seem to fit in with the rest of the story, like maybe it was an afterthought added on to try and qualify it to fit into the incest category - which is the most popular category on literotica. Sorry, but you obviously can do good work and I'm not kind to authors who post stories that are below their abilities.

There didn't need to be more, there was a twist, but the plot stayed true to the mechanics of the elixir.

This series has declined since the beginning of the second chapter. REALLY? You think it is a good story for her AND Julie to become submissive sex slaves to a high school kid with a foul mouth? Sexual inuendo and role play talk during sex is one thing. Foulness of language in excess combined with a teenaged brain is just common and crude. I know it is because I still remember BEING a teenaged boy. And you start inserting big name celebrities too, supposedly for them to share with Jack too? I started out really liking this and the premise was pretty awesome. But Chapter2 was inconsistant as if you didn't even pay attention to the chapter you'd already written and chapter3 is just screwed up and out of character. Go find something else to do. I've read some of your other work too and you have a good immagination but you end up watering down your own stories.

This is swirling downward like water in a toilet. You've run out of ideas and are making them up to keep a series going that should have been allowed to die a quietly dignified death. You think Celebrity sex is going to keep the readers interested? Not me, I have suffered through the last paragraph I'm going to. Think about this. Though what InGen started out doing was illegal, it was very interesting. They had to drink the drinks and take the shots. Then she shares sweat and water with her son and the effects are transferred with nothing else. You have made Mom, Julie, Toye, Deniese, and who knows who else submissive and obedient slaves to a teenager with a screwed up attitude problem. Now you've got him into owning some kind of a celebrity 'Fuck Me' resort for the beautiful, the feckless, and the less than talented.

I really enjoyed the slow transformation process and how Linda's personality changed over time to fit her new body. The buildup was excellent. If I could change anything, I'd love to see more of Linda and Jack (and Julie) at the end, instead of the resort ending. But overall, this was really, really good. Thanks!

Very well done... thank you!

This chapter went downhill very quickly. The story did not need an asshole teenager getting involved. I was hoping that Julie would come rushing back to town and her and Linda would become a couple. Oh well. I do love your work tho. I have you as one of my favorite authors

How the hell did she drive after she crossed her legs after getting behind the wheel. Think for pete sakes!!!

before she started driving, having accomplished her purpose -- having her son notice her legs -- she uncrossed them.

Endings a bit off. The word black has been changed to lack, everywhere. Well unless everyone seems to have lack hair.

Fuck me drunk. Your writing a story in common English but then throw in words or phrases that are way more cultured or posh. The ducking high heels never seem to be an whole number of inches high, it’s always got a half inch in there. So that’s not normal in heels as they pretty much go up a whole full inch at a time. THEN YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT 4 AND 1 HALF INCHES. Really wtf, it doesn’t fit, the phrase is a hundred or even more years out of use and it grates to read. It’s also a redundant qualifier. That would be you describing something but putting a word or words in that are redundant or superfluous. Four AND ONE half inches for a heel height. And as well as the one are wasted as if it was zero half inches then the heel is 4 inches tall, then if it’s 2 half inches then it’s a 5 inch heel, if it’s 3 half inches then it’s a 5 and a half inch heels. English so use it.

When your reading through a story all engrossed and then stumble upon that crap it’s like hitting a set of 6 speed bumps in a row just a few meters apart. Your surprised then pissed then confused as to why they are there, it’s uncomfortable and your wondering if you’ll break something. Shit out of place phrases, misspelled words, commas in weird places and a guy we know nothing about winning the prize. YOU WROTE IN A DUES EX MACHINA, Goddess out of the machine. Greek and a cheats sway to wrap it up. BAM the son shows up and gets the mon just in the nick of time and then grabs big red. The kid is an uneducated bum who thinks he’s a player because he’s some underage rapper and gets angry when a woman serving drinks refuses a slimy kid. Oh and the Kidd threatens teachers and can’t shut his fucking mouth for 5 min to save his own skin, AFTER HE PAID for that advice. DUMB DUMB AND DUMBER.

So a young underage drinking sleaze, whose so dumb he threatens teachers several, then has so little self control that he can’t shut up and gets expelled which is fine as he’s so arrogant his master plan is to get expelled again get shipped back because he had cred because he used to be a rapper? He’s 18 so did he rap when 12? He’s expelled both sides why send him back? If he was sent back he would still be expelled so.... thes guy inherited the two hottest chicks and best fucks who are also mind controlling ninjas IS A CUNT. And the mastermind got screwed.

Nope if I could I’d go and change my ratings to 1 star.

Lazy as fuck.

Better ending...

There is no son at all in the story.

So Linda stole the flasks. Linda does the sample thing and drinks them on schedule. Raid still happens. On Saturday Linda drinks the last one it was a crazy one even in your story. Linda rings Julie to as for help. Julie says stay put. Then Julie flys back ASAP that arvo and goes to Linda. Linda imprints on Julie. The transfer happens lots of good shit goes from Linda to Julie and both get a boost in health, hotness, breast size, intelligence. Julie is slightly ahead on domination but not by much. Julie leads and Linda follows both willingly. Maybe they rule the world or just the industry or develop a chain of strip clubs.

Disappointing ending to an otherwise interesting story. I dreaded arriving at the low hanging, obvious “twist” ending – that she would imprint on her son — and had a moment of optimism when I reached the FBI raid portion, and thought maybe you would go a different direction. But, you went with the obvious, uncharacteristic, and easy way out. So much potential seem to have been wasted with this one.