Insider

"Just move the car, dickhead." My retort was mean spirited, but jovial. We'd used to call each other crude and insulting names as kids growing up. It was a term of endearment for us.

"Nerida, I accepted long ago that you would probably leave me, I understand. You deserve better than what I can give. I won't do anything to Andy. I just needed to know. For closure at least, and for honesty from you. That said, if you do want me back, and I'm still not convinced you do, and if I can come back to you, I will be demanding a paternity test. Even if you put the child up for adoption." She wilted under my words. "I need to know if you're lying. You kept this from me, all you had to do was be honest. The divorce paperwork is as much for you as it is for me.

"You're right. I've brought you nothing but shame. I have disgraced all of you, and for that I will never forgive myself."

I hopped in the car, and waited silently until Blake moved his ugly vehicle. Nerida stood gazing at me, a look of horror upon her face, one that I couldn't meet. Not now at least. Perhaps in time I would go back to her, perhaps I would help her raise the child, or perhaps, it was better for everyone if I simply stepped slightly to the side. Nerida was a wonderful woman, a magnificent mother, a caring and sensual lover. And I was a self-loathing jerk.

I waved weakly at her, at my mother and mother-in-law, and at my children, blowing the boys a kiss.

[ -- ]

"She sounds sincere," Kelly sat across from me, eating a piece of toast. Her boyfriend had indeed become her husband whilst they were overseas. They weren't ones for fanfare, and neither wanted a large, elaborate wedding. As long as they were together it was all that mattered.

"Yeah Paul, I mean with all due respect, pull your head in." Her husband, Brad was a short man, doughy and balding, and always a straight shooter. He and Kelly loved each other deeply, it was a love that Nerida and I had once had, and seeing them together did stir up emotions in me that I had been fighting to keep down. "The fact that she is fighting the divorce tells you all that you need to know. You're a screw up. You've got nothing really to offer her, and she still wants you back."

"But that's the thing, Brad." I countered. "This is just delaying the inevitable. She'll eventually move on, because I can't offer her anything. So she should do it now."

I didn't see the toast until it was about to hit me, and by then it was too late. Kelly's aim was true, and it struck me on the side of the face, smearing me with butter and jam.

"Just go back to her. If she leaves you in the future, consider that punishment for your actions."

"I've been punished, Kelly," I retorted as I wiped my face with a paper napkin, "that was what those twelve months were. I was sent to gaol for my crime, unless you've forgotten."

She shook her head and looked at me with bewilderment upon her face. "You're supposed to be a smart man, Paul, but you still don't get it do you? That was punishment for your crimes against society, against the companies that you tried to defraud. That was punishment for your attempt to steal. But you've not been punished, not really, for what that did to your family. Oh sure, Nerida went out and got knocked up. But that's fleeting. That doesn't touch the surface of what you did. How you betrayed her, betrayed your boys.

"Look, I like you Paul." At this, Brad nudged her in the ribs with a faux pained look upon his face, "not like that you dickhead," she laughed. "I like you, Paul, but you need to understand that this is no longer about you. You hurt that woman, you valued money over her. You need to go back to her, until she decides that she doesn't want you anymore, and if that happens, then you can walk away knowing you paid your dues."

Kent laughed at me. "Listen to her dude, she's the smartest one in my family, and she'll break your balls if you don't."

It was food for thought.

I had been in sporadic communication with my family, with Nerida since the meeting at the house two weeks earlier. I had, however, been to see my boys many times, taking them for ice cream, taking them to the park, and playing with them whenever I could. I was trying to ensure that I had a relationship with them regardless of what happened between their mother and me.

In that time, I had also found employment. It wasn't much, it wasn't in my line of expertise, though I doubted I'd ever be in finance again, but it paid the bills. Nerida had been fighting the divorce, arguing over every little detail. The minutiae that she dredged up was just upping the fees for the solicitors, and making us both miserable and poorer. Nothing was going to be gained from it except a pointless delay. She could not stop the finality of our marriage approaching, but the constant arguing of the terms slowed it down. I was almost on the cusp of just conceding all of her points, just to be done with it.

"Paul," Kelly said with a hushed but passionate voice. "This is your self pity at work here. She's forgiven you, why can't you forgive you?"

I didn't have an answer.

Absently, I stood and wandered away. I had to work out what to do. What could I do?

I found myself sitting alone outside. It was a chilly day, with ominous clouds circling overhead, threatening to burst and drench the land at any moment. Much like my world and my life, it seemed. Was Kelly right? Was the problem that I couldn't forgive myself? Was I that much of a miserable ass, that I didn't want to forgive myself? Was I living in my own prison, created by me just for me? Did prison screw me up that much? Or was it that my actions had driven my wife into the arms and bed of another man, a man who had put a new life into her?

My phone rang, breaking the spell. It was my mother.

"Your father has just taken Nerida to the hospital. The baby is coming."

The rest was left unsaid. The implication of her words were clear.

"I'll be there." My response was mumbled, as I felt my heart beat faster. "I'll be there." I said again, with more determination.

"Good." I could hear the victory in her voice, and imagine the smile on her lips.

The phone disconnected, leaving me bewildered at the turn of events. Had I actually agreed to go to my wife, my soon to be ex-wife's side, as she birthed the child that wasn't mine?

I gathered myself together and headed back inside. The three of them sat there watching me intently. "Nerida's about to give birth." The emotion was lacking in my voice, but I could feel it burning through my body. I was in turmoil, I was in pain, I was excited, I was nervous. I wasn't the father, but I still loved Nerida. I was excited for her. I was happy for her.

"Then let's get you there, Dad."

Kelly's words shocked me, but I couldn't speak as they manhandled me into the car and drove me towards the hospital, towards my wife, towards an uncertain future.

I was sweating as we arrived. I had the same nerves when Samuel and Nathan had been born, but they were my children. This one, this girl that Nerida was about to bring into the world wasn't. I was confused by the reaction that my body and my feelings were showing, asboth betrayed me.

My father was in the waiting area with Geraldine when I arrived. They were surprised to see me, but happy regardless. Geraldine in particular, warmly greeted me, kissing me on the cheek and hugging me with love. It was embarrassing given our recent history, and what I was going through with her daughter. I didn't know how to respond to her gesture and just stood there, looking like a stupid mannequin.

The chatter was minimal, everyone was worried about Nerida, and about the birth of her child. The dam was broken however, when an older nurse came out from the private room where Nerida had been taken, and spotted me.

"Is this the father?" she quipped, a joyful smile on her face. Clearly, she loved the miracle of childbirth, and wanted to help celebrate it with the women and their partners.

I opened my mouth to deny the statement, but I never got the chance, as Geraldine answered for me, "Yes, he is." She lied. Pushing me towards the nurse and the room.

"Don't be shy, your wife is doing very well. Come on, she'll need you."

I was led, in some kind of half awake zombie state, into the room. It was as if I had no free will. The nurse, whose badge read Dianne, had moved me expertly into the room and next to the bed where Nerdia lay, awkwardly and naked. Her large breasts, heavy with the pregnancy and the milk that they were producing hung ponderously over her chest and atop her large, bloated stomach. Her crotch was displayed in all its glory, covered with a thick wadding of dark hair, ungroomed for some time, as her legs splayed out wide upon the bed. Her face was half-covered by a mask that was attached to a large tank behind the bed, feeding her a mixture of drugs to help relax and settle her, to alleviate much of the pain that she was going through.

As I stood there, silently looking down upon this woman who was both well known to me and a stranger, she opened the eyes that she had been squinting shut, and looked into my heart and my soul. A single tear escaped from the corner and ran down her cheek as she desperately sought out my hand with hers, grabbing it as though her life depended upon it and me. She squeezed hard, intending it seemed to never let me go.

For the next three hours, I stayed with her. With the woman I loved. With the woman I betrayed. With the woman who betrayed me. I held her hand, I brushed the hair back from her face, I spoke soothingly to her. I helped her into the warm bath, dried her off, and back onto the bed. She never let go of my hand, except for brief moments when movement, or the nurses, or paediatrician demanded her attention, though as soon as she was able to once more, she sought me out and gripped firmly.

And thus, I was there when Nerida's daughter, Louise Paula Doherty was born. She was beautiful, they both were. Daughter and mum were a sight to see, and I shed more than a few tears when Nerida held the child to her chest and cooed sweetly to the brand new life that had been brought into the world by her.

"Do you want to hold the child, daddy?" asked the same elderly nurse that had brought me into this sanctum of life. Her smile was beautiful, setting off her wonderful face that was framed perfectly with silvery grey hair.

"Yes, he does." Nerida whispered. Again, I was answered for, and again I found myself being directed as though unable to control my own actions.

I was sitting in the large and comfortable chair next to the bed, shirtless, with the newborn bub nestled skin to skin against me. Nerida never took her gaze from me, or from the child, her third. Her smile beamed, and her eyes were misty.

"Please stay with me Paul. I love you. Louise will need a father, and I want it to be you. She wants it to be you. You're a good man, you just made a mistake. I made a mistake. But look what came of that."

I gazed down at the baby, as her tiny hands reached instinctively for my face. My heart broke. No, that's not right. My heart melted. This life was so precious, so innocent. And though it had been conceived through pain and misery, through hurt and confusion, the child wasn't to blame.

"Nerida," I began, but I let it slide and held my breath. This beautiful moment wasn't the time, nor the place. No child should be brought into the world where love isn't abounding.

"Please, Paul." Her eyes were so sad.

I nodded. At the least, I could let her feel safe and secure for now, at this moment, I could let her rest in comfort and happiness.

[ -- ]

I don't know how I managed it, but I swallowed my pride. I did stay with Nerida, with Louise and with my boys. I ended up cancelling the divorce proceedings, much to the delight of pretty much everyone that I knew. They all agreed that it was the smartest thing that I had done in years, but given the bar that it was set against, that didn't really mean that much.

Blake used his connections to get me a better job, one with a tech company, where I worked once more in the finance department, looking after contracts and invoices. It wasn't much, but it was better than the bum job that I had previously, and better than I had hoped for with my conviction and tattered reputation.

The DNA test had proved that Andy was the father. He was shocked that I was still around, and further shocked that we were keeping the child, but he was happy to cede any responsibility for Louise, not because he was a monster that wanted nothing to do with her, but because it was the best for the baby. He had apologised to me over and over, before I eventually told him to stop bringing it up. I understood what had happened, I understood that I was to blame. I had driven my wife to the point of leaving me for good, my actions and mine alone were what had caused her to take a lover as the precursor to a divorce that she was going to initiatie, but now, we were a family.

Did I have moments of concern? Of course I did, I'm only human. Nerida never gave me pause to doubt her, but I couldn't help it. Louise was a constant reminder of what had happened, and Nerida doted over her as only a new mum can.

It took months before Nerida and I had sex again. Five months to be exact. It was difficult for me, it had been so long since I had been with her, and I'd had nothing in all that time except for my own hand. I was nervous, and I did have some minor performance issues. Would I be as good as Andy? Would Nerida decide that she no longer needed me, no longer wanted me anymore? But I closed my eyes, and loved her as best I could, replaying the words that Kelly had admonished me with.

"You need to go back to her, until she decides that she doesn't want you anymore, and if that happens, then you can walk away knowing you paid your dues."

Kelly had been right. My incarceration had been my debt to society, this was my debt to my family. Thankfully, Nerida never seemed to want me to leave, and I grew to no longer hate myself for how close I had come to destroying my family. My boys were fantastic older brothers, they looked after the little one like I always knew that they could. Their strength and dedication gave me strength, and filled me with pride and hope. So much so, that unconsciously I started to call Louise my daughter. I never picked up on it, not until Nerida mentioned it one day whilst we were lounging in bed, watching Louise crawl about, a huge smile on her pretty little face.

"I do love you, Paul. But this is our last chance together."

I looked at Nerida, and saw the seriousness on her face. I had hurt her and she had hurt me, but together we had come through the other side. I reached over and cupped her face tenderly.

"I am here, until you tell me to go."

Fifteen years later, I am still here, father to Samuel, Nathan, Louise and Miranda. We rebuilt to a stronger love, more secure, more caring and considerate, and I can't imagine that Nerida will ever give me my marching orders.