It's Gill with a 'G'

"No, Andy. I watch a lot of television, it's all I have for entertainment, and I have seen the commercials. I was always able to tell the ones you had been involved with. There was something about the dialogue that set them apart. Crisp and pithy. I knew your writing from before we..." She tailed off then recovered. "From when you were working in Birmingham with AGH. Your style is quite distinctive."

"Well whatever. I was out of a job. So I'm back in Brum." The kettle started whistling, so she got up to make the tea. When she came back she had a different air about her, stronger and more determined. She gave me my cup and went back to her chair.

"I ought to thank you for that cheque." She looked up at me. "I was bloody angry at first. It was you letting me know that I had walked away from a good man. I thought that you wanted to twist the knife, and would have returned it, but to be honest, I needed the money. Later when I thought about it I knew that it was just you being as fair as you could. So thank you, Andy, that was a nice gesture."

"Bloody angry?" That doesn't sound like the Gill I knew." She smiled for the first time.

"Life has a way of changing your views, and your vocabulary. Sometimes swearing is the only way to get through the day." I decided to ask a question, without asking what I really wanted to know.

"I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable, so I'll drink my tea and leave before Berryman gets back. What time do you expect him?" She laughed, a short cynical dismissive laugh. She looked at her watch.

"Well he left at eleven o' clock, and hasn't been back for eight years, so I am not really expecting him any time soon, or between now and when Hell freezes over. He left as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I gave up the nicest man I had ever known to go with a Shit!" I could see tears starting in her eyes. I felt sorry for her but I had the answers I wanted.

Anita came in at that point.

"Mummy. It's getting cold in my room, can I put the fire on?"

"Put another jumper on for a while, sweetheart. I'll put the fire on later." Anita ran off to do as she was told.

"Nice child." I said. "Polite, but I wouldn't expect anything else from a daughter of yours." I had learned from that exchange that her finances were not good. "Are you still with the Revenue."

"Yes. It's only the Civil Service that would put up with my flexible working hours." The tears did start then. "Andy, you've found out what you came to find. Please go. All the while you are here you remind me of another life, a good life, that I deliberately walked away from. I can't have that back, so please don't tantalise me with these visions." I got up, finished my tea and was about to leave when I turned back to her, crossed the room and knelt down taking her hands in mine.

"Gill. I can help, if you would let me. Forget the hurt I still worry about you." Why did I say that? It was not my intention, but the words just came out of my instinct, the truth. The tears ran easily down her face.

"No! You can't. And I don't need your help. Go."

"Ok. I will leave. But Gill, I told you to go once, I was wrong. We should have talked. You have just told me to go, and now it's you who is wrong. This time I won't give up so easily. I closed the door behind me.

I was unlocking the car door and looked up. Gill was there in the window. I raised my hand as a gesture of good bye, and she gave a little wave in return. I drove off feeling happier than I had in years.

Chapter five

I phoned Mrs. Holden and told her that I could do some of this work for her, then told her how much an hour I would ask. There was a gasp over the connection.

"As much as that?"

"Mrs. Holden. I spent three years at Cambridge getting my degree, and since then I have been in advertising for fourteen years. Your customers will get adverts that will work, instead of throwing money away on column inches that don't have a chance. What is better value for money? I could probably re-word six or seven adverts in an hour, split that between your customers and it will little enough to pay for a professional job." She said she would think about it and get back to me. If she had seven customers that wanted my help that would be good, if it was only one, then she would have to make her own decision, either swallow the cost or charge it all on to the one customer. Either way I wasn't bothered. The treatment handed out to me by Alex Wellman had been a lesson. You want my expertise? You pay for it.

I was getting uncomfortable living with mum and dad again. I really needed to get out and start looking for my own place. Initially when I came back I thought a good flat would do me, but since seeing and talking to Gill, I was ambivalent. Would a flat do, or may I really need a house? Possibly I was running here when a slow steady walk would be better. But I couldn't help my emotions, and they told me that despite what happened I wanted Gill in my life again. In one way our meeting had been unsuccessful. I had looked to finding closure. Now I understood that I wouldn't get it, the wound to my heart had been opened again, and only Gill could heal that lesion.

I got a couple of calls inviting me to have a chat from two of the agencies I had sent my C.V. to. They were illuminating. As I suspected what goes in London was very different to the style of treatment in Birmingham. I was talking to John Ferguson at Melling Services. The second of the responses. He knew of Alex Wellman and his ethics.

"The man has no honour at all. You are not the only one he shafted. I will wager that your script will re-appear almost word for word in another advert. The man's a Hyena." With his vitriol out of the way he went on to see if I could fit in. I went through some of the campaigns I had worked on, and showed him copies of the slogans and scripts. He had seen quite a few of them, and got more and more interested.

"Andy, we have never gone after national campaigns before. But with you on board we will have the talent to offer really good schemes. I can't say welcome aboard right now. I need to know that our Principles will be willing to fund these sort of campaigns. Let me get back to you. No more than two days, I promise, and don't accept any offers until we have spoken. I can't promise you the package you had in London, but it will be the best around here, that I can say."

I was pleased, I had got the ball rolling, and was confident now that my dismissal was not going to be a problem.

The next Saturday I was back waiting outside Gill's flat for when she got back from shopping. She didn't give me exactly a heartfelt welcome.

"Andy. I told you not to come again. It's painful to see you and be reminded of everything in our past." I ignored Gill, and instead presented Anita with a Doll I had bought. Doesn't every eight year old girl like dolls? Possibly not today, but back then the answer was yes, and I suspected that there had not been too many presents in Anita's short life. Anita took the Doll happily, remembering to thank me properly. Then announced that the Doll's name was Looby Lou. I looked bewildered until Gill explained, there was a programme on television with a character called Looby Lou. It was a less irritated Gill that invited me in for tea.

"Why did you call again, Andy? Is it just to hurt me? I know I hurt you, cannot you just forgive me or hate me and get on with your life?"

"No, Gill. I cannot." I replied. "Ever since I was seventeen, you were in my life. You supported me, encouraged me, made me laugh and laughed with me. We shared our interests, even the fantasies about people in the park when we had no money to do anything else. Not having money didn't matter, because we had each other. Gill! You became so much a part of my life that it was automatic for me to think 'us' not 'me'. Over the last eight years in London, I have been to Covent Garden to see the Opera, and the Ballet. Watched Shakespeare at the Old Vic. I have been in the audience at the Royal Albert Hall for the proms, and I was even at the last night on one occasion. And I enjoyed the music, the singing and the dance. But never completely, because the seat next to mine was reserved in my heart for just one person Gill, You. When I came to see you last week I wanted to find that my love was gone, and buried. It wasn't, even after all this time it's still there, and I believe that your love is still there. Possibly just a dimly flickering ember, but I want to try and blow it into life again. Thank you for the tea. I will call again next week. If you tell me to go then, I will and that will be that. But if you want to try being friends again as we were, if you want to see if the little flickering flame can be coaxed back to a fire, tell me and we'll see what we can do." I thought that Gill would throw a fit, but she smiled.

"Well, well. Andy Gresham is being forceful."

"Yeah. I press the button to open bus doors quite a lot now." Gill giggled.

"Oh God. Do you remember that."

"Of course I do. The doors opened on the best years of my life. Gill with a 'G'." I walked to the door. "I shall be here next week." She nodded, than walked over and asked.

"Will you kiss me?" I made no reply, simply bent my head and pressed my lips against hers. The jolt shook me. Gill accepted the kiss then just looked at me, with questions in her eyes I couldn't answer because she was asking questions of herself. Whatever answers she found I couldn't know. I wondered if she knew either.

"Next week." I said.

"Next week." She repeated.

I had a job by Tuesday evening. They made me a fair offer. As John Ferguson had said it didn't match what I got in London, but it was probably as good as they could go. I hadn't heard from Mrs. Holden But that didn't matter. If she wanted work done it was something that I could handle in an hour or so in the evening. Dad invited me for a drink down at the 'Horse and Jockey' again. I had the feeling that this time he was going to be questioning me. He was. Within two seconds of our taking our first pint, he asked me what was going on.

"Andy. You have been to see Gill. What is it about?" He was my dad and he deserved the truth.

"To be honest, Dad, I went with an idea that I could lay the ghost. Gill had meant so much to me, and even after the divorce I still had lots of feelings for her. However, having seen her I realise that whatever happened, I am still in love with her, and would like to try and find some sort of life with her." He nodded slowly, and took another pull at his pint before answering.

"Son, I know you have a true heart, and I always thought that Gill was perfect for you. If that is how you feel, try hard to get her back. This life is a lot easier with the right woman by your side, rather than the woman who will just do." It was good to know that someone could see the future without all the cloud to complicate matters.

"What do you think mum will say. She was pretty adamant about my divorcing Gill."

"I'll tell you something, but it goes no further. Promise me."

"Yes, of course."

"When I was in the army in Korea, your mum had a little fling with another bloke. I am sure that it didn't go as far as Gill went, but nonetheless it caused us a lot of trouble at the time. Your mum was so angry with herself, more than I was actually. You see, she was the woman I wanted, needed, in my life, not the woman who would just do. I think the realisation that I may have walked away is what made her so inflexible about what Gill did. It's like the reformed smoker becoming the most virulent opponent of smoking by others. I am willing to bet that Gill is so angry at herself right now in the same way. Son, it is that anger that will be your problem."

The more that I thought about dad's words the more prophetic they seemed to be. I sensed that anger in Gill. Perhaps it wouldn't be as easy as I thought.

Next Saturday I was there at Gill's. I took a new tack. Instead of going in to chat over tea, I asked Anita, if she would like to go to MacDonalds instead. Gill would have protested, but Anita's eagerness for the treat drowned her out. We got in the car, Gill in front and Anita in the back seat, and we went to Solihull, the nearest MacDonalds to Stechford. Gill looked across at me, and said sotto voce.

"Sneaky.". I grinned, and she smiled.

There was little talk about us. Anita was so full of being at the place she had seen on television. Well it wasn't the actual place, because the adverts were shot in the States, but the layout was similar enough to convince her that this was the one. With a mouth full of Big Mac, and a carton of diet Pepsi, nothing could spoil Anita's happiness that day. I had a Big Mac too, but couldn't eat it all as I had one of mum's sandwiches for lunch. Gill had only ordered coffee, so she took my Big Mac and nibbled at it. Suddenly memories made her sad, we had often shared food together.

We got Anita back to the flat, and she immediately went into her room to watch the television. She did thank me very politely without being prompted for taking her out. Yes, Anita thought I was taking her out, her mum was just an afterthought.

"Andy. I don't know what to say about our talk last week. Well your talk. I said very little. There's part of me that would love to get back where we were, but there is also a part of me that says that the hurt I caused is too big to ever get over. I don't know. I don't want to start down this road, if at the end we get nowhere. All the hurt and recrimination starts all over again." I had borne dad's words in mind, so I startled Gill when I said.

"So you don't believe that you can forgive yourself?" She did look shocked.

"Andy, I would have thought it was for you to forgive me."

"Apart from that day, when I found out. Have you ever heard me say anything to suggest I had not done that. If I hadn't forgiven you, would I be here?" Gill thought, turning over our conversations in her mind.

"No. I don't suppose you would."

"Have I ever given you the impression that I don't have feelings for you?"

"No."

"Right. So The problem is you, not forgiving yourself." Gill had to think about that. I could see the understanding coming to her face.

"You are right. I don't forgive myself. I hate what I did. I hate what I did to you. I was so confused at the time. There had only ever been you, you know that. Then John was working with me, and he was friendly. He made the days go past so quickly, and you know how much I hated that job. We laughed and joked, it was fun to be with him. It started to become a pleasure to go to work. Then at the Christmas party I let my hair down a bit, a glass or two more wine than I usually drink, a dance or two more than I should have with John, then he just took me to an office, and told me he was going to make love to me." Gill was crying now. "He just told me as if I didn't have any say in it. And I didn't. I couldn't stop him, I didn't try, Andy. I didn't try." She sobbed bitterly. I went over and put my arms round her shoulder. She shrugged me away.

"Don't. I don't deserve to be comforted. I gave what I had promised to you, and only you, to a lying, cheating sleazebag."

Anita came back into the room at that point.

"Mr. Andy, why are you making mummy cry?" Gill quickly answered her.

"No, darling. Andy isn't making me cry. I just remembered something that made me upset." Anita seem mollified with that answer.

"Well don't cry mummy, you have me." She promptly disappeared back to the television in her room. The incongruity of her assertion and the speed with which she went made me laugh, and soon after Gill smiled again.

"Kids." She said. "If all's well with their world they don't worry about anyone else."

"They learn as they grow." That was my offering to the topic. I decided that it was the point when I should leave. No good would come from pressing Gill further. However I had learned something. A little more about Mr. Berryman, and also that Gill had in all possibility been drunk. The state she was in when she came home was proof of that.

"Gill, I will be back next Saturday. I will come earlier, and we will all go out together to Cannon Hill Park. The band should be playing." Gill accepted that, probably more for Anita than herself.

"Anita will enjoy that." She paused. "You're not going to give up, are you?" It wasn't a question, it was a resigned statement.

"No. I'm not." She shook her head.

"You're mad." I grinned.

"Yes. Mad, stupid, illogical and completely round the bend. I need a good woman to help me find my sanity." I bent my head towards her and kissed her. This time her hand came up and caressed my cheek.

The next Saturday, Gill and Anita were ready when I arrived. Anita was chatting happily as she got in the back seat, telling me all about her school and her friends. What she was doing in classes, and then seamlessly moving on to her favourite television programmes. She only stopped talking when something interesting caught her attention out of the window. Gill leaned across to say.

"She has been telling everyone that Mr. Andy is taking her out on Saturday. I would appear to be coming along simply as chaperone." I laughed.

I parked up at Cannon Hill Park. It was opposite Edgbaston Cricket ground, and judging by the number of cars parked there was a match on. We strolled into the park. It was a bit of a showpiece really, well laid out, with paved walks that took you through woodland, and alongside the River Rea. We strolled the paths, with Anita skipping happily, sometimes holding Gill's hand then occasionally holding mine. Gill and I fell quite easily in the old habits of when we were first together. Talking easily about all sorts of things and then people watching, making up the fantasy stories as we had years ago. We had to stop that though when Anita demanded to know how we knew these people we talked about. It was difficult to explain to an eight year old that we were making those stories up. Some time later we heard the strains of music carried over the gentle breeze, telling us that the Band had arrived and was starting to play. We walked quickly towards the Bandstand to get a good position. We found an ideal spot, and as the ground was dry, Gill sank gracefully to the grass in that elegant way that Women do. Her legs folded back to one side, with her skirt spread about her. I slumped down next to her, and Anita insisted on sitting between us. I have always been a fan of just about all music, although I have to say I draw the line at pure Jazz. Nothing against the aficionados, just not to my taste. This band played well, lots of Military marches, and quite a few Brass Band classics. Towards the end of their performance they played the 'Helston Floral Dance' All around us you could hear people singing along with off the cuff versions of the words. We did as well, and as I looked over at Gill her face was lit up as she sang along, holding Anita's hand conducting the band. She seemed to feel my gaze, and looked across, there was a happiness in her eyes that hadn't been there over the last few weeks. A shine I suspect had not been there for years.

Chapter six

I was working again, taking up the new challenge with Melling Services. I got on well with John Ferguson, and we were soon looking at better, more prestigious campaigns with national companies. The icing on the cake was when we were approached by the manufacturer of the chocolate bar that foundered. Their Marketing Director, Brian Forster was a little wary, when he realised that I was involved, and tackled me straight away.

"Why did you change that script." He demanded. "It was damn good, and then you changed it when it was too late to do anything about it."

"I didn't."

"What?"

"I didn't change the script. I assumed that you the client had asked for the last minute changes."