All Comments on 'It's Only Fair Ch. 01'

Look forward to more details as the outline is solid.

Looking forward to, and dreading more!

a very good start... in fact excellent

or you might wind up on the other side of Fair. TK U MLJ LV NV

a good outcome is this isnt cheating and just post partum depression or something.

But doesnt look good.

I do hate for people with a newborn to split up, so will hope for a good outcome and no cheating.

and always remember tomorrow never comes, its always today

Very good, in fact. I do think this chapter was a little short. It's hard to get too involved with a story after only one page, but on the other hand, you gave just enough info on how you met and got together. Excellent descriptive details, too.

Keep it coming.

I would guess from your short intr she is cheating on him and maybe the kid isn't his. I hope you write a chapter every day so we do not lose your story over time. I for me like a completed story even if it's 10 pages. If it is good I always read them thru.

I liked the intro . I plan to watch for further chapters.

Been said already but if you are going to write such small chapters, there better be one each day or you will lose readers. I would prefer longer chapters myself but you are writing it not me.

Anyway, good start.

Am looking forward to the next installment.

Yikes! I am so sorry - I figured 2500 words or so was a good start and most likely 2 pages on site - so after I am done spitting out the feathers from the crow I just ate, I'll finish up the 2nd chapter which will be longer and post it. Didn't write this weekend much, had too much other outside work to do.

Thanks for the patience and comments! :) -V

Couple of "oops" in spots, a tad on the lean side, though over-all not bad.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

Thx for a good read.

the beginning is always the easiest part of a story, setting up the dramatic tension that then is expounded upon and explained.

Except in this case we have just a hint of something amiss in the household, nothing really concrete. I think the installment was a bit short, wanted to have this develop some more.

Look forward to your next posting and hope you have this story done to post on consecutive days-being a longtime fan, you know the readership appreciates that.

another writer who cant write a full story wont be back for one page at a time to slow to keep up with

And could use editing in some points.

BUT. It is well written. It is promising. So keep up!

By the way. The coldness in the household has been mounting for "a year and a half", that's 18 months, and the baby is 11 months old, that's 20 months since conception. My bet is that the baby is his, that the hormonal changes exacerbated the bipolar disorder, which made her increasingly manic-depressive, and that resulted in cheating. The cheating will be caught, there'll be pain for everyone, and they'll reconcile after a while.

And I'm going to enjoy every word of the story.

Better one page saying a lot than 3 or 4 pages saying the same thing a lot of times.

As other have said, this was a great start but was too short.

I think the issue is less the number of words than the amount of development. We have gotten to know very little about the couple as yet. The first introduction should be long enough that we can start to become emotionally attached to the characters. This will make us WANT to see more rather than wondering is we will see more.

But the writing was very engaging. The main character seems to have something bothering him that has not been stated yet.

in to opening , read it correctly you ass wipe

A great start and well written

still enough in it to capture my interest. A very promising start, looking forward to you building on it

Thanks for your efforts

Interesting start. I'm unable to rate this because it needs more information but it has piqued my curiosity. Please continue...

Yes, because it's impossible to rate a chapter before you know how it ends. It might not be a violent enough revenge fantasy, then how could you live with yourself for having acknowledged it was well written? What if he forgives his wife and takes her back? Then the story is completely garbage, everyone knows that!

OK. You piqued my interest. Looking forward to more. Already have an idea of which way this will go but looking forward to your take on this. As one commenter proffered one page chapters need to be sent in daily or you will lose readers. This is very true. After a few days this story will disappear from the LW new stories section. Once it's gone most readers will not try to read chapter 2 if they haven't read chapter 1 yet. If next chapter comes out a week from now I won't even bother.

For a first time submission this wasn't bad. Maybe one more proofread or have an editor look it over. Thanks for joining the fray. Hope to see more of your work. No rating for now as I want to see more chapters. Thanks for posting.

You need not tell us you turned I the light in the. Nursery and the decorations on the walls. Add details where they contribute to the plot.

As an old road warrior, for a day or two parking is cheaper than a secondrountrip to the airport.

Mostly my stories are 20-40,000 words. Good start

Chillep

I give it a 5/5, in part because it takes guts to post a story in LW, which , IMHO, is stacked with the toughest, most vocal and arguementative critics on this site.

Looking forward to seeing how you continue this

Some is unnecessary and slows down the story.

Some is very necessary.

Wisdom is knowing the difference.

As a rule of thumb, limit description to that which the reader is unlikely to know without it.

Most of us have been on a plane.

Good writing.

Just remember rule one: keep your reader's attention.

not because is was bad written or a bad plot but for somebody telling us all how much and for how long he is writing and how many stories he has read here, he should know that single page with almost no substantial information is no start for a long story.

I wait until chapter 273 ( who knows maybe the next chapter has only one word) to continue this story

Maybe a little less detail would be good. I mean we realize that you turned on the nursery light, otherwise how would you see the room. At this rate, you'll need 5 chapters just to get to the point of the story. But, although slow, it's a good start.

Thanks for the comments everyone, good and bad. As I indicated, the next chapters will be beefier - you have my word. More than half way done with the next one - should clock in @ 5,000 words or so - making it twice this chapter's length.

After that, I should be able to have enough of a flow to hit 7,500 or so at a clip.

-V

I like your style, and the details don't bother me - rather, I think they help the reader relate to the characters and make it easier to envision themselves in the storyline.

That said, I think it's clearly telegraphed that she's been cheating - or at least has secrets...and they aren't communicating well...so there are many different vectors from which to choose in terms of where this story can go.

First, welcome to the exciting world of becoming a Literotica author. As you've already discovered, some of the people who comment here are unnecessarily harsh in their criticism. I often picture them attending a children's talent show and booing the contestants. But then, removed from the anonymous veil of the internet, I doubt they would be so bold.

I have a couple pieces of advice for you:

1) Every good story has a hook at the beginning, to immediately engage the reader and motivate him to continue reading.

2) Every good multi-chapter has a hook at the end of each chapter, to motivate the reader to seek out the following chapters.

Your story begins slowly and ends even more slowly. In a nutshell, the plot of chapter one was: a man comes home from a business trip. Granted, because you included so much detail, we know a great deal about that man. We know he is married with a young daughter, the wife suffers from occasional mood swings, they both seem to be suffering from stress, etc.. But, to me, there was no "hook" that immediately piqued my curiosity or compelled me to read further.

I would also recommend re-reading your story a few times before you submit it, as there were several easily-noticed typos. And when you describe your characters, try to avoid using statistics.

By the way, I'm guilty of all of the above offenses myself. So my ultimate piece of advice is: continue writing. You'll only get better and better.

You have ability as a wordsmith . Keep writing.

Unfortunately, your chapter ends at a bad spot. This was just the introduction.

There wasn't any conflict nor any resolutoin by the protagonist. Final point, I generally don't read to experience "reality" .I read to escape it. Nevertheless write for

yourself. If it is entertaining enough,I'll stick with you. Good luck.

That's my lecture for today, lol.

AMerryMan

You've done a great job setting the stage...I look forward to more.

you are shown how it will look when it is posted. You had to see that this was very short. That's okay if it's what you intend, but this crowd expects a bit more. You didn't really get the table set with these few paragraphs. You should introduce the conflict in the first chapter. You have hinted at it, but there's no doubt that it will get worse before it gets better. the nosey neighbor will be able to fill him in. You gave us a lot of hints, but didn't quite deliver the goods. The writing is good and the plot appears to be developing nicely, but there are too few paragraphs posted to be sure.

This is a FUCK story site. I want the last 10 minutes of my life back.

certainly not the Booby Prize. TK U MLJ LV NV

bad news, cowboy. You don't HAVE a life.

@ Harddays - I see that now, this was literally my 1st submission here and I didn't realize how "short" it seemed until after the fact.

I just posted chapter 2 and am working on chapter 3 now - should post that in a day or 2.

Thanks again, good comments and bad, good votes and bad.

-V

She could be cheating, but it sounds a bit like bipolar too, maybe she's having her 'episodes' my cousin is like that, she is fine and happy for months then there is a month or 2 of being like this character.

Interesting, so far. Wifey reminds me a bit of an ex-gf of mine from when I was in college. She didn't cheat on me, but she did have bipolar disorder which led to our breakup. But then again, Wifey in this one could be cheating AND bipolar.

The tale itself is very good but very short. I hope you make the next segments longer. This one was barely a small bite, and I'm not on a diet. lol

5 Little Stars.

Disagree with most of these comments. The hook was her weird expression. Keep writing. 4.5 so far.

and I'm hooked. There were actually a couple 'hooks'. I only ask you to keep the chapters coming. Good stories have been somewhat damaged by just waiting to long between chapters. I like the story, and the writing.

Short, but so what. You indicated it is chapter one. I guess I would have waited and printed two chapters at once. But probably a better hindsight suggestion would be to develop the characters more in the early going.

Thanks for sharing.

The first paragraph immediately brought to mind my first airplane ride and a landing at JFK except it was Idlwild then, 1961. My flight was on Delta, a Convair 880 from New Orleans to Philadelphia with an intermediate stop at Baltimore. Weather had the whole east coast covered with clouds, rain, fog. The plane circled Baltimore but couldn't land, the same with Philadelphia. The pilot spoke over the radio and told us passengers he was going to try to land in New York and if it wasn't clear there we were heading to Montreal.

The same thick clouds covered Long Island but the pilot decided to try landing. All of those sounds of engine changes, flaps coming out, gear going down, and the plane sinking were obvious, but the clouds and fog were so thick the wing tips were barely visible. Suddenly the Delta jet dropped below the weather mess and what was below was nothing but water. Oh crap, this pilot is going to kill us all. At the last minute there was runway, the screech of tires hitting concrete; the plane was safely down in the wrong city with a bus ride to Philadelphia awaiting. I haven't thought about that flight in fifty-three years but the first paragraph brought those memories back.

it is short but the author nailed the indulgent and non-responsive phase of a bi-polar woman who's in a self absorbed phase. Will she snap out of it ? Can she ? It's rough when you feel alone and gotta carry that weight.

The author might have should a bit more of wife's upside to show why narrator hitched his wagon to her alleged star in the first place. But definitely some abbreviated but quality narrative to be found here. Too short to rate at the moment but definite potential is in literary offing.

and the wife needs some tender loving care. She's fraught and feeling frumpy - tired from 9 months of pregnancy and 11 months of post-natal depression. Get a fucking grip and man up dude.

Excellent writing. 5*

But I hope that the protagonist has something nice in his future. His wife sounds like an unending source of problems.

"We are on the final approach to New York, JFK International Airport. Thank you again for flying American." I gripped the seat rest firmly as the mighty engines of the 747...

American has not 747 planes.

American Airlines HAS had Boeing 747 aircraft in their fleet.

Writers are not obligated to set all stories in current day.

You write well. I enjoy the rich detail missing from all the Tab A in Slot B stories we normally find here. Someone complained about details of the nursery. I thought it added depth letting me glimpse what this family is like. Other details help immerse the reader in the story.

My only "complaint", a very minor one, is the relatively short submission. As a chapter it works fine, providing a great introduction to the story. There is nothing wrong with short chapters like this; it's a perfectly good style choice), then you need to submit two or three of them at a time as a single submission.

Looking forward to the story.

rj

Please keep it up.

Very good writing. Five stars. Can't wait to see where this is headed.

after all, it's only fair!

Well written. Too short, but still enjoyed the detail you provided. Great first submission.

Thank you for sharing your stories with us. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story.

Brujay

Good first submission. You are setting up the plot well. Now we know what kind of bitch Elle is and what hubby has to put up with.

A pretty good start to what could be an in depth story !

a son of a gun.

I didn't think it was too short.

I thought you set something up I just don't know what yet. We're in that murky something's not just right, but I can't say just what.

I started you off with a fiver. Let's go find out what happen next.

Slow moving. I won't read anymore. A real time waster.

I’ve only just begun this story, and I’m SURE there’s going to be a lot more going on, but on this one I agree with her!

Even without an 11-month-old, but especially with her, to expect your wife to get you to the airport for a 4:30 AM! flight (and god only knows how early they had to get up for that!) and then come back 11:30 PM the same day is ridiculous! That’s asking a lot even from a strong marriage, but he seems to realize that his ISN’T that strong.

Having said that, he wasn’t exactly “relaxing” on the plane, as anyone who flies coach can tell you!

Still five stars.

Don't marry bi polar women. You have a much better chance of having a good marriage, good children, a faithful wife and minimum bitching.

All women are bipolar!0qee6d

Don't bother reading the five chapters of crap.

If this story is close to reality I’ll pass on reading any more chapters. I found this one to be totally boring.

That it wasn't Stan's dog at the window?

What an asshole, pretending to be a writer No star

although the story hasn't developed yet, it is so far an absolutely believable and true to real life scenario.

I guess that is why there are so many negative comments about it being unrealistic, it is too realistic and not merely a vividly imagined fantasy with Navy Seals, or millions of Dollars, or endless orgasms, or high tech spying etc.

Readers do want to be transported into an unreal dream world so as to escape the humdrum boredom of their own lives.

This story so far is just a reflection of plain believable life endured by millions of families all over the world.

This is well worth the time to read. Well written, dialog rings true. I don't want to give anything away, stay with it. Thanks to the author for a fine effort.

Good start. I could feel his exhaustion.