All Comments on 'Jake and Lauren's Secret'

You most definitely have an outstanding start here. Good development in both character and storyline. I'll be honest that I did not notice any mistakes as the story has totally entertained me. Looking forward to more shout Jake and Lauren and their secret.

5 Stars all the way.

are what makes the world go around. You did well in bringing out the emotions and joy but let the reader draw their own conclusions. Good read.

Continuing is a must!

Wow great start, great plot line, keep it coming.

I hope to see a continuation of this great story soon!

You definitely can tell a very good story. I do have a few suggestions for you: the first is that when working with characters this young, you should at some point make mention of their ages, since the way you've described where they are in life one or both could be under 18, and that's not permitted. Also, clearly they are very close in age, are they twins? These are things you should mention within the body of the store. Lastly, you might want to find an editor or a proof reader who can go through your story and catch any typos or other problems that you might miss. There are a few in here. It's very had to proof read/edit your own work. It's best to have a second set of eyes take a look at it.

Other than that, the story is very well written and the characters are very likeable. You've written them in a way that it's very easy for the readers to care about them and understand where they're comeing from.

Waiting for the 3-way between Jake, Lauren & Lindsey!

keep it to just the siblings NO OUTSIDERS OR FATHER. the point of incest is to keep it to just the relatives involved PERIOD.

This whole story is very nicely done. I like very much the tenderness shown by the characters which shows the love and respect they have for each other. Character development is good and gives some depth to each. The story line moves well without dragging and is free of less important and distracting elements. There is economy to the prose which is rewarding to the reader. Please do more. Good start here. Many thanks,

Carry on. Very erotic. First time that I have felt the need to comment.

Echoing fefe428, getting a reader is good. The sentence structures are well done; saw two word usage errors, but punctuation seems to be the biggest issue, and that is mostly sentences that need to be split. Possessives, too. Jakes hand should be Jake's hand, for example; sisters room should be sister's room -- she's the owner of the room, it belongs to her.

I didn't see any issues until about the middle of page 2 of this posting. Finding a reader can be tough. I've tried five or six times from editors listed here, and have either not heard back or they were too busy. And how do you ask people you know to proofread adult fiction? Especially with more forbidden material like this?

I know as hard as I try, little errors creep into my stories, too. Considering this is your first post, it's a great job.

The age issue of the characters is a debatable issue. Yes, they are very young, and except in rare cases, too young to be making lifelong exclusive commitments, but that's the drama of being a teen -- everything seems to be forever. It was only in the past few decades that many states raised the age for marriage in the USA, Several allowed 15-year-old girls to marry, some without parental consent. And in the Middle Ages, there was the hideous practice whereby a knight could kidnap and rape a girl as young as six, and if he proposed marriage afterward in front of witnesses, he couldn't be prosecuted. This was a way for knights to marry rich, but no one seemed to care what the girl thought of marrying the man who raped her. Customs change.

Very very good story..

Hope the next part is out soon..

Thank you

Good story to start. Good set-up of characters. Lindsay should only be a confidant for them -- NOT part of a threesome. Dad also needs to stay out of any relationship beyond what he currently has with his children. At some point in the future he might be able to see how Jake and Lauren feel about each other and advises them to be careful, but basically gives his tacit approval (maybe something in his own past that lets him relate).

As for age question: I have a problem with being eighteen before senior year in high school (especially the summer just before senior year). I could see Lauren being a year off due to the accident, but that would not explain Jake's situation -- even if they are fraternal twins. If they are supposed to be twins, then the only other way this works is if the parents did not put them in school at the time they were 5 or 6-years old. Basically this would make them 19 by the time they graduate or just after graduation, and Lauren does not seem the type to be held back a year because of grades. Time lines are important for believability.

The premise and story is good so far, but you need to deal with the age discrepancy situation. Even in fiction there needs to be some reality.

your story is good but I think one thing you messed up on is her legs, she is in a wheel chair she can't walk, can't develop the muscles in her legs, has to have help exercising them so shouldn't have the leg strength to trap her brothers head in her pussy, arm strength yes legs no

Taken me some time to read it (not much time between school, sleep and work), but the greatest thing in my mind is that the story wasn't "you, me, bed, no clothes, NOW" but it was actually about love, that just makes every story 200x better in my opinion.

Very realistic and convincing Some others are in similar situations and the relationship strengthens and is wonderful. It can be very beneficial even if not going all the way.

This is a sweet tale of love contains only love with romance not erotic lust so please don't include dad or lindsay or anybody else. Please write another chapters. Plot is awesome. First attempt very well done.

This is such a gorgeous little story, I hope you add to it soon :) There's so many things I like about the story so far, but by far and away is Jake's loving care for Lauren and it not being about the sex, but something more, it's just beautiful. I'm also in agreement with one of the other reviewers, keep it between Jake and Lauren, they're so sweet together, I'd love to see more!

Great read. Thanks.

Can Jake have some chest hair please?

""

"Oh Jake," Lauren began, pulling his head into her with both her hands. "You make me feel so sexy. I want you to lick me, taste me, you can taste what you are doing to me. Leave the toys for some other time, I want you to be the first thing in me," her voice low and husky.

""

Thank you!! I hate stories where they use a dildo or vibrator on her for her first time, just ruins the story for me! ...that or the guy tells her to get on top for her first time, ugh!

Really enjoying this story so far too! Looking forward to thr next chapter! :)

Lauren's disability really endeared the two to the reader immediately. That's not easy to do so early on in the story. It made her vulnerable and it gave his character a lot of depth...as caretaker, etc. Touching story. 5 Stars.

I loved this even more than 'Abby and I', possibly because it features a brother and sister (which is my usual particular kink, more than uncle/niece), but probably because I have no hesitation or worries about the strength of their love for each other in this case. Lauren is adorable and I loved the details about her stretches. (I've also written about a brother-sister pairing where one of them lost the use of their legs in the past.)

Lauren's disability and her love for her brother just made me swoon. Looking forward to reading the second chapter!

I just thought I'd mention that I felt it would have been much more touching for Jake and Lauren to be twins, as opposed to 'Blowing Off Some Steam', where the twinship angle doesn't really seem to come into play at all.

This was unqiue and brilliant, keep it up.

I love how innocent they are and how they seemed unaware they were in love.

What a lovely story, something special.

5/5

Second read, just as beautiful as before!

Wow. What great character development and pacing. What a sweet story. Five stars!

Truly special. 5/5 I'm looking forward to reading the next part too.

I'm looking forward to reading part 2. It's really a crying shame that you haven’t posted anything new since 5 or 6 years ago. All of your stories are pretty good. 5/5

Very, very nice story...I am glad to see an author who is not afraid to touch on the 'handicapped' issue, and let Lauren have feelings for her brother like that!!! With Jake reciprocating, of course!!

Five**5**Stars!!!!! 🌠🌠🌠🌠🌠💫💫💫💫💫🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌋💯. Now, on to Part 2!!