All Comments on 'Jealous E: Eli'

That’s it?

Why bother ?

Okay for what there was of it, but if that's the end then lousy story. If it's chapter one, then good start.

Imaginative and well done!!! I'm especially impressed with your tight writing style, the way this story flowed along so well, and the fact that there was nothing extraneous anywhere in this story. I suspect OP is a hellaciously accomplished writer. Probably slumming here. 5/5

Add a part 2, destroy the bitch since you already took out the garbage boss' son. Then maybe burn your daughter too if she won't apologize

Finish the story, it is a lame duck as it is.

It was okay, but you left the ending in limbo.

What happened over the assault charge?

How badly injured was the boyfriend?

What happened in the divorce?

Did the daughter pull her head out of her ass?

Did he cut the daughter off?

What happened to the wife after the divorce?

What happened to the boyfriend?

What happened to the husband?

-

You can't just leave everything unanswered and expect to score highly. At the bare minimum, you need to wrap up all of the above in a satisfying way to get 5*.

It was interesting until the political comment. Turns out it's just another right wing author trying to blame the ills of society on the left.

Pt2!!!!!’now lol good start

A part two or a follow up. Too much open stuff

Come on, you can do better than that! At least add an ending. This is nowhere BTB, maybe the beginning of one...

sorry, good theme but not a flash story.

Angry man attacks another man in a restaurant without having all the facts. Angry man remembers other times he has been angry and violent.

I think I can see where the problem is.

Doesn't seem finished. What was there was good but maybe a fuller conclusion and confrontation needed.

Bring the burn!

I hope there is a second chapter coming.

Great start but really needs finishing.

you said this was a btb

there was no btb

one star for lying

Nice short story, I love that Eli is cutting his daughter off financially for siding with her cheating mother. I wish this happened more more stories instead of the guy continuing to fund the kids’ college education,

What the hell was that? Is that the end or is it ch 1. Omg how poor if that’s it.

Ok story. A longer much more fleshed out version would have worked better in my opinion. Too many loose threads for this story to be so short.

Unfortunately like the last couple from this author a ton of technical errors that could easily be spotted and corrected with good proofreading or the help of an editor. Just really takes away from the flow of the story when you have to reread sentences to figure out what they were supposed to say.

Stop with the politics. Being "liberal" or "conservative" doesn't have anything to do with cheating on a spouse or condoning it.

good story but seems incomplete

Where's the BTB?

This really isn’t finished. That’s a shame, because it’s a good start.

@lujon2019 Well he did "Beat The Basterd".

and......FTDS

You were doing okay, till your bizarre premise that liberalism or education causes the condonation of poor behavior or lying. Just as stupid as implying that conservatives are more or less religious than liberals.

Clearly someone who condones violence as a first and public response knows little about appropriat legal behavior or "Christian values".

The last line is great.

Entertaining but the poor, juvenile grammar makes it almost unreadable.

Throw away political slam was lame. No ending as well, so a second part could rescue it. If you're going to throw in political jabs then you need to work a political angle into the story earlier. Maybe mention how he and the wife drifted apart with her becoming more liberal while he grew more conservative. Without it, you just come off as a hack. Don't be Terry Goodkind.

Needs to be complete b4 it can be a BTB story

Needs editing or a careful re-reading…for starters. The MC comes across as dumb, so it’s difficult to generate any empathy, The story also seems to have far too many loose ends. Not particularly encouraging.

I agree with the others. This is not a BTB, not even close. You'd do well to add new chapters to fulfill your promise.

Very good, but…..a CLASSIC example that really REALLY needed to be finished!

.

3 ***

" I decided to wait a while and let her squirm as long as I can. Maybe a month or two."

Why wait. Waiting just lets her fuck other men in your house. Strike while the irons hot. Waiting just delays the inevitable. The sooner you file the sooner you can get divorced. So, far no bitch has been burned.

The fact that he was unlawfully detained by the restaurant staff and management and locked in a room against his will lays a case for suing them unlawful detainment and imprisonment. The are not law enforcement and he did not pose a threat to anyone but the one man. At best they should pulled him off the man, told him to leave the premises and escorted him out the door.

Hopefully there's another chapter otherwise not a bad start

Incomplete, good start a reserved 4****

Wife and daughter only needed SPF0 to prevent the burn...

Sometimes you just need a good beat-down story. Thanks. I can live without the political nonsense.

I like the start but need to finish the btb!

Agree with the others. There needs to be more to this story.

Sorry, this weak attempt does not make the cut.

You’ll get a better score if you finish your stories. 1/5

I'm sorry but this is not even a story yet.

Like where you are going...chapter 2?

I read it twice, but I don’t see the BTB anywhere, just a confused mix of cheating, drugs, and murder. There was a good idea in there, but you lost it along the way.

All the names being so similar isn't interesting, just annoying. Also, the tags don't match the story.

Incomplete "chapter", not sure I'd call it a story.

Your writing style is good, but you need to actually finish and write a whole story.

A short fuse!

4

ANOTHER story with no ending!

Did you read this before posting? There are many missing, misspelled and misplaced words.

\

"It had been several months since we had been intimate," - Several MONTHS?! If there's no medical issues, I'd take action in no more than a month.

\

"she needed to know that she was still attractive." - Why? Who is she trying to attract? She has a husband, she shouldn't care about attracting anyone else.

Leaving unscored - thought each would be separate stand alone but this feels like part 1?

Where was the BTB?? Looks to me like the Eli is now going be spending some time in prison and the wife is going to joy entertaining men in his home and his bed while he's away. Maybe his cell mate will be named Earl.

Unfinished. You can’t have a BTB without any flames. You’ve some kindling and a spark, then nothing.

Good story and well written, but a major issue: you said it was a BTB and there is no payback of his cheating wife. This story demands a part 2 (maybe even a part 3). Does he forgive his wife? I guess he needs to ask a few questions: how far did she go sexually with another man? How many times did she cross the line? Can he forgive her for the disrespect? They may be able to reconcile (depends on answers to above questions) and I'd certainly insist she take a lie detector test to really determine what she did and how truthful she is, and also insist on a post-nuptial that is extremely punishing to the one that cheats. As far as his daughter is concerned, chances are at some point during college she will be cheated on, and will finally understand. I wouldn't burn the bridge with the daughter yet; she has some growing up to do and hopefully will understand in a few years.

Hopefully the lawsuit is the final straw against junior and his old man kicks him to the curb (no trust fund or any support - since he is going to lose money and have bad press due to his son once again) and tells him to grow up. As for the wife. I don't know, depends on what she did and the results of the lie detector. It will be interesting to see if his business is protected in any way against a divorce.

And, where is the rest of the story?

No, too short to enable a conclusion and too vague to get a positive reader response. Rework it as a longer story, get the wife's reasons why she played around, why with the boss's, was she passed to the son as an "inheritance"? This needs meat on the bones.

I'm agreeing with a lot of the other comments I read on this one. This story was really good and showed promise.

But there is no ending. There was no BTB (as promised). There was build up with the attorney with the employer and his son and his past, and then nothing. I'm hoping there is another part coming. Would be a crying shame if there isn't because this story had the potential to be a real good one.

Hot. garbage.

Some predatory student loans and a college job will most certainly get her off the whores side

Glad he has balls, BTB, tell daughter good luck paying for school as mom will be unemployed. Haha 😄

Not great, but the last sentence provided a treat: the awareness of being a dependent.

Well done.

Too heavily cliched to be more than a pass/skim story to be honest.

This gem "Around seven pm, she finally answered in an angry voice. "Eli, what do you want? I am having dinner."

"What do you mean having dinner?"

"Eli, I am on a date, and I might be home later tonight, or maybe tomorrow." She hung up."

Was literally her screaming for a divorce and, again, so overused by every lazy writer that its almost a prerequisite in a BTB story as "My poor little dicklette, and size queen wife, isnt satisfied with me" cuck crap.

I've read story teasers that are designed to draw your interest in reading the whole story. Hope you decide to flesh it out.

No conclusion. No BTB. WTF.

If I could give this 0 stars, I would.

We need more details, off to a good start

Looks like an outline FOR a story. tst tst we expect better even if it's free, it's still our time respect your readers please.

Yeah, either lengthen the stories or leave out the btb aspect. The only btb was against the daughter.

The MC will be paying a fair portion of his fortune to the man he attacked. Intentional torts causing bodily harm are costly. What a moronic character. All too often, as soon as the word “smirk" is written by the author of a tale in this genre it is the signal for a poor writer to start a braindead attack by the MC. 1 star.

More than likely he will still be paying. It is pretty common these days. She is in college and his actions were felony assault, he has prior history of it apparently. Likely the court will award the daughter some percentage of the value of the community property and deduct it from his share.

DAUGHTER BEING WITH FATHER 18YRS AND IN COLLEGE TWO WEEKS,THE COLLEGE FAULT.DUMB AND DUMBER.

I liked this... straight to the point and quick.

She’s on a date on there anniversary, short and nasty call. He did what most man or woman would do in this situation. The daughter after hearing her mother was fucking her boss son should stay neutral but be mad at mother and let her know it

Is how a real man handles things not like the cucks and wimps.

I’m thinking this needs another chapter. A lot still to unpack with the wife and the daughter.

Grade: incomplete. It's far from done...

Not complete.

really stupid ending, or lack there of

Attending a college doesn’t make one a liberal. Having another opinion doesn’t make one a liberal.

I get it, the daughter wasn’t quite on his side of the mater and maybe he didn’t or couldn’t make her understand his position. But immediately qualifying her as a liberal is a petty thing to do. It seams these days the world became monochrome. White-black, wrong-right, liberal-republican, etc Remarkable how often the Stars & Stripes pops up in white and black instead of the old great colors. Quo vadis america?

What interesting times we are living in?!

Mazarf Akar (yours) always

Mommy & daughter are gonna have a hard time paying for college. And yes most(by far) but not all colleges are Liberal hell holes. LP

Part 2?

And? You planning to finish this story?

One thing is certain, liberals are assholes.

Loved the story until it stopped before the conclusion

Liberals may be assholes but at least we know how to finish our stories. And by the way the real Asshole in the story sure sounds a lot like Donald Trump Jr. :)

Started well ended poorly but...the author is correct liberal colleges and most professors are so twisted and destructive to our youth that they are creating a nation that is getting closer to going tits up and it's very scary. I feel fortunate that I am coming to my end than just getting started.

Good story but needed more - whoring wife and an ungrateful bitch daughter - next part should have them suffer

lacked a conclusion

cheap shot... totally off the story line, or else the whole story is just a setup for one cheap shot.

Dumb story. Dumb to assault the guy in public and just 1 bag of clothes.

Finally a decent story after 20 or so worthless one. Why can't anyone here write a story longer than one page? Still gave you 5 stars!

No conclusion, what happened after the divorce papers and the daughter?