All Comments on 'Katie's Play'

You can't map the play 1 to 1 onto the story line. It isn't a twist. Delete the last paragraph.

Alana needs more explanation. She is presented and reenforced as a psychologist (though she's too young) connected to James via a prison program. You need to explain the program a bit and justify Alana's comment about James backsliding.

Otherwise, make her James' girlfriend and figure out how they meet, how she knows James is doing Katie, and why she gives herself to the hero. Remember, if she is indeed a sub, then she has to be specifically instructed and loaned to the hero.

I'd also expect the play to be presented several times. The on-stage sex may have to be suppressed/hidden a bit. Make part of the plot/dialog show James' oversized member as an extra-awe bonus making the seduction super rewarding. Also remember the street sweeper has the last scene (another reason why 1::1 mapping won't work), so there is some idea or message for the sweeper to express.

For ending the story, the easiest out is for the hero to activate his camera system to memorialize an orgy rolling through the house. What he does with the DVDs is another story.

Absolutely love your writing as I'm currently involved with a totally submissive slut she submits to any demand made of her and I'm rewarded with numerous delicious creampies, yummy!!

....of your excellent writing style. We need more!

Thanks for sharing.

This is the first work submitted by you which drew me in. The theater holds my imagination and the imagery runs wild. Married persons having it off with other people is a wonderful story line for me, and apparently not so much for other readers but ... why do they bother to hide their enjoyment?

Your writing is descriptive and the information flows out nicely leading me from sentence to sentence. I do not have advice for you, only encouragement. When you need to kick it and allow the beast to run thru the written page please do so. It is a wonderful gift I wish I had.

Put a bush on one of your females. You do not go there in this story and I guess it is to leave judgement to the readers enjoyment. Men and women do not follow in locked step what companies looking to profit direct as truth. Advertising is not truth.

This was good, I would have like it if you wrote about all the times they met up and the nights her husband was away, it would have added meat to the story and more sex to read

More silly cuck and whore shit.

Hot Hot Hot Story and great writing! 5 stars to the writer! I was concerned that the Wife was going to continue fucking her co-star. But with the Hot Girl Friend there for Hubby, it didn't matter. Hubby would be getting an upgrade if he kept the young Hottie. Really need a#2 chapter to follow how this Hot Wife deals with her young thug lover. Will she give him up? or leave Hubby? Will Hubby even care if he keeps young Girl Friend? Will Young Thug want to steal the Hot Wife and ditch his girl friend? Inquiring minds want to know. Chapter 2 please

Is the end of the play the end of the story, or stories?

Good writing but I hated the story.... Just not into the sharing thing, sorry....

Extremely well written, skilfully plotted and genuinely erotic. It could have been longer but I'm just being picky.

LA

It’s well written and a fun take on this theme. I feel it ended abruptly and the final paragraph is confusing. It seems like you accidentally left a plot synopsis at the end of your manuscript. It describes your story, not what the actors were performing in the living room. Was this intentional? I would’ve liked a bit more resolution to the story. Something between the narrator and James, perhaps. Plus if your final paragraph is to be followed, we missed out on the orgy. But it’s your story not mine and i enjoyed it.