All Comments on 'Kayla - It Ends'

A little complicated, but I guess the good guy won. Justice was done on the evil ones, so all in all okay I guess. Although I still think it's not totally finished. But it's your story. Anyway keep writing.

Excellent story! -

There should be an epilog to this story. I would love to read about Kaylas reaction and perhaps regrets when she gets her judgement in court and how life went on and ended for her and all the others. -

Ending seems just thrown together to end it. Role of Hollis and how police got involved could have been detailed better, but hey, otherwise, good story. Please continue.

The story did jump a couple of times. It could be understood but I do believe it could be made slightly smoother. The author does like to do things indirectly. How come people decide that they now how the author is going to end a story after only reading two examples??? Very strange.

I really enjoy the beginnings of your stories. They really get my interest and make me look forward to the conclusion. Maybe I am looking for something different, but I feel let down by the endings. In this one, there is so much jumping around, especially without explanation that feel confused. In this story, how did the betrayal by his lawyer get so glossed over? I just feel like I missed a key chapter in a book and can't pick up on how the characters reached this point. But, I still enjoy most of your stories and look forward to the next one.

One would have assumed he would have checked on the lawyer and why the wife did not really try to find him. As far as showing paternity with the advent of DNA evidence it is easy and there is no need for waiting for the childs birth. Amniocentsis can be down while the baby is developing even early on. ANd the villi testing is less dangerous and will provide the same data. You dont have to wait on anything to prove absolute paternity. I would have preferred it was a bit smoother development and didnt abruptly jump from one conceptual context to another.

Part 1 was very well written but I was disappointed in today's submission. You had an awful lot of stuff going and didn't do a smooth job of wrapping it up.

I have to echo much of what has been said: your story had a very nice, detailed buildup but a very quick and sketchy ending. Look at how long you took to set up the situation with Kayla, and then how hastily you try to wrap things up. You managed to make a multigenerational revenge conspiracy to commit double murder and fraud, with aspects of incest and legal malpractice end anticlimactically.</p>

I counted only three paragraphs mentioning Hollis after he betrays Wendell. You gave more time to the librarian near the fishing lodge and she was less pivotal to the story. Three paragraphs with no dialogue. And no mention of why he turned on someone who he'd worked for over years and who was a lucrative client on the verge of making millions. Or was he in with Kayla from the very beginning? Even if I want to, it becomes difficult for me to piece together something that's plausible.

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Many authors have trouble with endings (I plead guilty to that as well). Often a writer likes to set up things and "see where the characters take me." Sometimes this doesn't work too well. As an exercise, maybe you should try it backwards: imagine the final scene, say at the townhouse, and like the detective who has no background ask, how did it come to this?

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I do like your stories and will automatically take a look at anything you write. I hope you keep writing and keep improving!

Part 2 seemed disconnected from part 1 and rather disorganized. The flair is there, but the thread of the story is lost. Still, this is one of the best true stories we will see here. Thanks for writing.

Very good writer, but as in thursday nites you leave the end open and don't go back. I like a little more closeure in stories but still a good read, thanks.

Good story, but.....weak ending.

Very disappointed in the second half. It had the feel of a story written in great haste and did not hang together well.

The story itself is fine; but the author should intensively edit the story, or preferably have someone else edit it for him, because there are too many redundancies, and also many of the topics that the author discusses are not explained in enough detail, e.g., what is the series of books he's writing, or has already published, about? Then there is the problem that, at least I have, with Wendell himself, He really isn't likable. He has a history of having an established family in the area (where is this story taking place?). Wendell appears old and set in his ways. He doesn't seem to want to be more in his life than he already is. In the story he is said to be about 30. In summary, please edit your story and replace this posted script with your new manuscript. As a writer you show promise. RAG

Happen to like this story, although again you have left me with questions I want answers too. Why does Hollis betray Wendell? Why if Hollis was aware of the conspiracy is Wendell still alive? After all Hollis isolates Wendell and he is seeing Kayla. My suggestion is you need a third chapter. This one was too rushed. You had a lot of plot that you squeezed into too few words. Good story.

There was a lot of crap going down in part 2, and if you didn't take the time to read what the author was trying to convey, or you would try and read it like a jerk-off story, you will not get what he was setting up in the latter part of the story.

The story is a little more complicated than your typical Literotica post.

I am a little disappointed that Wendell didn't get to stuff Patrice's muffin. The poor boy went for over 2 months with out getting laid.

Patrice's pussy had to be tight, hell it was longer for Patrice than it was for Wendell with out sex.

Talk about conflict of interest, when you are poking the almost ex-wife of your client,during the divorce,that sounds just like the lawyer I had in my divorce.

The story has a lot of twist and turns,but really held my interest throughout.

Hey Dude, you done well, Thanks for the good story...Rich

The attorney Wendell has been using and pouring his heart out too..Hollis ... is secretly betraying Wendall and banging the wife. Sounds good.

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WHY?

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and since Hollis now Knows that Wendell has overheard the Brent Jewel Kayle murder fraud conspiracy... would the conspirators change Plans?

I first began to suspect Hollis when he failed to bring the police into what was clearly a criminal plot. He also sought to isolate Wendell and he took no steps to protect Partice. Did he warn Kayla? Obviously, Kayla seduced Hollis since he handled the serious money deals for the couple. Who do you think told Kayla about the multimillion dollar book to movie deal? Once Wendell found out about the murder plot the lawyer cut his losses by trying to minimizing the damages (i.e., a poorly run divorce). That way Kayla ends up with half of the assets and the fact that he was banging her stays a secret. I thought it was a brillant move on Wendell's part to force confessions out of the criminal by exposing the plot. Well Done!

Intricate, powerful and enjoyable. I truly wish you had taken more time to wind it up--the denouement went by at such a speed one could barely figure it out, and we were denied the satisfaction of seeing Wendell confront Kayla and tell her just what he thought of her.

Thanks, ohio

A lot going on in this chapter... Almost need to diagram the whole situation. Very good Thank you

This story was a bit like one by GaryAPB except I think, as did other readers, that part 2 was rushed and parts of it were confusing. I think a third chapter would be wonderful and would help tie the story together. The writing and grammar were good, but some aspects of the plot were a little bit of a stretch. Overall an interesting story.

The second part was just ramblings and a waste of ink.

There are more holes in this story than a warehouse full of Swiss cheese!

It might be a VERY good story had you bothered to fill some of them in. Who hired the 2nd detective? When did his lawyer turn bad? WHAT???

That's what the reading group discussed; the timeline. You threw out crumbs along the way to tease the reader; they didn't grab my interest. What they did was to annoy me because I saw the mind games you played. Withholding info about what's going on with your characters so you can have a memory dump at the end of the story is aggravating. The plot was okay in general but by not letting us know enough details along the way we had to guess the context of much of the action. Still don't know what a pile of 25-year-old newspapers had to do with the plot.

.... the ending is a convoluted mess....

As Ohio said; this story needed a face-off scene between Kayla & Wendell. Oh well - if CerEsss were a chess player ; he'd be evaluated as having a jumbled endgame. The opening was cutting edge. He transitioned into middlegame well with the red flags starting to unfurl. A thunderous revelation came at end of part 1. Then the preceding comments say it all.

Story? a hell of a lot of fun. Keep writing. 5*

A piss-poor way to end it. Your readers deserve much better. Please write a short conclusion. DAMN! The lack of a decent ending is the only thing that kept me from designating it a favorite story. It did get a little bogged down after he went into hiding. We want to know how much he got from Hollis, that Hollis lost the right to practice, how Jewel had to pay him and was forced into bankruptcy (possibly prison), hoiw Kayla and Brent were impovrished and got prison terms etc. Thank you for writing.

Fact: the ending sucked. Premise was good, but the layout and write is more than lame. Needs a serious redo.

Good tight writing at the beginning, but jumbled and confused at the end. Also, he couldn't "literally" be alone in a sea of sharks unless he was physically transported out to sea and treading water while sharks circled him. You were actualy using it in the "figurative" sense. "Literally" seems to have become a trendy word used by people who don't know what it means or how to use it properly. Don't fall into that trap.

What kind of ending was that?

What story? I read it twice trying to figure it out, still not sure of anything. Their is no ending. Did he hook up with Patrice or not? Did he get divorced? Basically what is this story even trying to say? Really needs a ending like ... Two years later so ans happened.

.. You have a helluva story here. I have to agree that the end is like driving a twisty one lane mountain road at 70 mph.

The Hollis thing caught me off guard even though I was suspicious about him, at first.

STILL.. some good editing and fill-in rewrite would make this a commercial winner. Meaning not me.. it's like music. I know good when I hear it and can pick up a sour note from a 10 piece Heavy metal band and can't play a lick.. I also know good writing {and plot} when I see it but can only tell stories, not reformat em.

Keep ON!

regards

Ol' Geezer Peter

:)

...I'm afraid this fell short of my expectations... Sorry, CS

I'm the one who made the comment that I could have sat and watched it in a theatre.

The first part read like a novel. It was engaging and well paced.

I also knew Hollis would be implicated in the end, as much as I had guessed about the Jewel/Kayla connection.

You caught me out with the incest bit, just because you had not planted any breadcrumbs in the first part that telegraphed the fact.

I still think you are a writer of above-average skill, and I still think this whole story had the potential to be near the top of the 'LW Hall Of Fame'.

My problem with the second installment, is that it's little more than a wrap-up. The unravelling of the whole plot was delegated to a third-person dialogue after it had all come undone and was finished with. Even the delivery of that dialogue seemed stilted and quickly constructed.

After the expectation generated from the first part, this was a tremendous let-down. It is almost like you ran out of the creative flow needed to craft a second chapter to match the first... so you just bundled it together and dumped it out there, so that it wrapped up the tale.

Oh well.

I am still interested enough to check your other work, and I still believe you have the goods to have made this one shine bright. Maybe it is worth a re-visit?

If you do, I'll be first in line to read it.

It is hard to see, as others have cited, how Hollis could be involved in most or all the information about the various actors, and have it come unraveled. At the very least, he should have been able to keep himself above suspicion (or neutralize an who would thwart him!)

Ch2 is not a pimple on Ch1's ass!

4*

Even if you are not coming back that was a good story - it could use a chapter 3 for all the assumed answers to be written plainly

There were no real surprises though - the incest was a given - the mother daughter was an assumed and the betrayal by the lawyer was obvious even if you tried to gloss past it -

That does not change the enjoyment of reading your writing - it just wasn't a murder (almost) mystery heh

and ended shittily.

Another fucked up ending

FINISH THE DAMN STORY!

Or, I wish I knew where or under what name you're writing now. You could have only improved by now.

Ch. 2 was disappointing. Your aim was high but your execution lacked.

I'm reading your body of work. The premises you have! Like I said, by now, with the assistance of pro editors, you're selling stories, aren't you?

... then became confusing and disjointed and kind of drifted into nothing.

Probably needed to break this into two chapters and take your time.

Needs an epilogue to wrap up loose ends: Kayla, Brent, Jewel, Hollis... what became of that? AND Patrice! Surely there are still a few hot paragraphs left in THAT story arc!!!

Honestly I wasted my time reading this She-it ! Fuuuuuck mee man! This is optical diarrhea ! Or something that dropped out of the south end of a north bound bull? PLEASE FOR FUCKS SAKE CALL 911 END OF STORY (YOUR WORDS) BYE GREG! OH 10% OF READING shit

The story wonders all over the place. Changes in the plot such as Hollis being in on the plan sinks. Hollis knew where Wendell was hiding. What stopped Hollis from telling Jewel this fact! They could have killed him at the cabin. The author has to provide more detail and logic to this story.

closure will never be forever, TK U MLJ LV NV

Did the author get bored writing the story. O'Henry he's not.

If anyone could explain how there was a fucking point to this story, I'd be willing to pay them generously. As we all know, however, that nothing could explain the point of this pile of shit

One star

No ending again. Like others, you've written, this just died. Just when it was getting good, you got tired and quit. Don't you realize LW needs to smell bitches burning and see the bodies stacked by the door? At the very least, a confrontation between Kayla and Wendell. Anything.

... or, literally, in bed with Kayla. Yet, except for the meeting Kayla at the house for, apparently, legitimate-type legal consulatation, though he shouldn’t have been since he was working for Wendell, and the kiss on the cheek, which in theory could have been harmless social interaction, nothing is really noted on it. If he infact were screwing with the deed to get Wendell to sign some bogus deal, as seems to be stated in the story, wouldn’t something more be done about it?

Also, Hollis had the authority to have internal surveillance placed into the house, as the police eventually did, but didn’t. He knew from Wendell there was a possible murder conspiracy so any halfway competent attorney would have done so. So he obviously was in cahoots, in someway, with Kayla. If warned of a possible murder plot, yet he not do more, isn’t this criminal? Yet at the end of the story this is all barely mentioned.

Most likely a DA would have added Hollis to the criminal conspiracy, and if the evidence was too weak for actual criminal conviction, at the absolute very least placed censure against him with the bar, if not outright disbarment. As it is it seems nothing happens to him. Or did I miss something?

Did not know I was going to read War and Peace without an ending!

Z-zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

What a lot if drivel The story made no sense and had no ending

a convoluted mess. It really needs a rewrite.

Must be time to wake up then. That was a nice nap.

I think everyone is the bad guys/girls. Wendell, whomever he may be, is in the center of this lame and hard to follow story. Kayla is his cheating wife, I think. She is screwing Bailey, her 1/2 brother??? They are working with someone named Jewel (who is their mother???) to steal money and try to kill Wendell, who apparently has lots of money. His lawyer and so-called friend, Hollis, is trying to cheat him too and probably working with the others to destroy Wendell. Why, still don't know... This is worst than a tv soap opera, or even Jerry Springer. Lucky I have you 3 stars. Should have been less.

Horrible, unfinished ending that left so many questions it made me laugh.

1 star

The story was pretty good but very vague on details. Don't like stories with details ad-nauseum but this one didn't give enough details to understand the story. 3*

I was enjoying the story well enough for the first two pages, then the third page ... I ended up skipping whole paragraphs.

A bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football. WTF

1 for this story because it is not finished.

Where are the major portions of the details that explain what happened and why?

What about revenge?

What about the rest of the ending?

WTF... Not complete, too many unanswered questions, too many holes. The incest part really sucked and had no business in this terrible tale. We got some background information, but the 'how's and 'reason's for all the lies and betrayal. The sad part of this whole story was Jewel, a very bad mother, a cheater, and a conniving bitch. The overall jest of the characters and storyline could be apart of reality. There are people out there like Jewel (overall bitch), like Brent (pretty boy husler), and Kayla (unloved, undiscipline), even guys out there like Wendell (trusting naive nerd). You need to FTDS, what happened to our hero, and what happened to the cheaters. 3/5 stars

The ending and the final results are not shown and the Gap's in the story need to be filled in This is just another one of those Books you buy and when the ending comes the last page is Missing . FILL IT !

Trained wrecked what was a very good first chapter with this mess.

1*

3 stars - some of the writing was not bad BUT the plot sucked.

A waste of my time.

interesting idea that the cheater's wanted to kill their spouses but way too hard to follow all the people and locations

I did find it difficult to follow and remain engaged, but I liked the story and I suspect a little help from an independent read might guide the author in sharpening their pencil.

good but the ending was too rushed.

BORING, Mostly dialog in drivel. Random thoughts & scheme. A collection of words from erratic thoughts. Try writing a real story.

Zzzzzzz! It just goes on and on.

skimmed most of it but still 7 pages of this boring shit was WAY too much

I tried but couldn't read this, editor, proof reader needed; is English your main language?

Not much. A waste of time spent reading it!

FTDS!!!

I thought that the story started well and then it started to wander off track. Sorry. Only an average rating.

Well I did finally force myself to finish this ‘story’ but still am wondering why I bothered??? The MC not only was a wimp but a dumb ass as well!! As well his lawyer is/was just about as dumb… If he was going to go crooked he had all kinds of time and the ability to grab all of the MC’s assets and run…. What was he waiting for??? Also FTDS!!!

Once again we must also wonder if/when the author is going to get an editor and a proof reader???

why doesn't anyone ever write a somewhat formal story outline before dumping thoughts willy nilly on this site?