Let's Play a Game!

After the surprise birthday party I invited Claire on a skiing trip at a nearby slope. She brought some friends of hers, I invited some of mine and we had a blast. Again there were others with us and we spent little time hanging out together but this time she allowed me to take a picture of her on her own.

Later that week I had the film developed and that portrait of hers was absolutely perfect. She was beautiful, even when bundled with layers of winter clothing. I scanned that photo and sent a copy of it to her via email, casually mentioning that she looked beautiful in the picture and that I had a great time. She politely thanked me for it but nothing more came out of it.

Spring came and with it some dire news for me. Through Victoria I had learnt that Claire was seeing someone. I was distraught! I had never in my life felt that depressed. And of course, there was no one else to blame for this but me and my frustrating shyness. If only I had been a bit bolder...I would never again meet a girl like her and I would end my days as a celibate, virgin monk, I thought.

Two weeks later my spirits where slightly raised when Vic told me that Claire had broken up with whomever she had been seeing. I felt better but my over-analyzing brain continued to torment me. What if I screw up? What should I say? What can I say? Every time I've approached her she just shoots me down. What can I do?

Claire brought me out of my misery by acting first; she invited me on a field trip that she would undertake in order to pick cherries from the family orchard. Naturally, I accepted and we had a great time. It was quite tantalizing to hold the ladder steady as she stood on it to pick the higher branches clean. As she stretched her lithe body, I had her magnificently shaped behind right in my face! I must have stared quite intensely at the sight and I'm sure she must have noticed but she didn't say something.

Two weeks later, it was early June; I finally got the nerve to invite her on a camping trip. A close friend of mine would be going camping at a rather remote beach together with his girlfriend and he asked me if I would like to tag along. At first, I refused not wanting to make an awkward third wheel in between. Then, as I thought more about it, I steeled my nerves and decided to invite Claire. As I phoned her, I got more nervous by the second. After four or five pips she picked up:

"Hey there."

"Hullo Claire. I...errr...the cherries were wonderful...My parents told me to say thanks on their behalf."

"I'm sure the cherries were lovely, but I have a hunch that you didn't phone me about that."

"I...errr...well...yes...You see, there is this long weekend coming up and the weather is perfect. So...errr...well...I thought to ask you, if you'd like to join me and a friendly couple on a camping trip."

"That sounds like a good idea. There is only a slight problem: I do have a sleeping bag but I don't have a tent."

"That's not a problem, I happen to have two. Actually, the second one belongs to my brother but I'm quite positive that he'll lend it to me. So what do you think?"

"You've got everything covered don't you? Who are we going with?"

"We will be going with Nathan and Cathy. Nathan invited me and I didn't want to go on my own...for obvious reasons...But I didn't want to miss the opportunity either so I decided to invite you."

Claire gave me a hearty laugh over the phone.

"Oh so I'm just baggage then, just so you won't be the odd man out eh?"

"Yes...I mean...No! It's not that! I really enjoy your company and would like to reciprocate for...for the cherries! I think we'll have a good time, I certainly don't think of you as baggage."

"Relax Jason; I'm just pulling your leg. I'll be joining you. Just text me the details when you have them."

I let an audible sigh of relief when I put the phone down. That certainly went better than expected. My mind immediately went into overdrive trying to plan ahead all the necessary details.

Friday came by and with it, the prospect of some wonderful leisure time spent on the beach. The weather was perfect with clear skies and high temperatures, mirroring in effect my mood. We had arranged to use a single car and my friend Nathan would be driving.

After pitching up our three tents, we immediately rushed to the beach to cool ourselves. Claire wore a tie-side black bikini which, once more, exposed her magnificent body to my eyes. It had been almost a year since I had first seen her in swimming attire and if anything, she had become even more pleasing to my eyes. It was very difficult for me to avert my gaze from her gravity-defying assets. We immediately went for a swim to cool off and then we went diving from a nearby cliff. Claire was by my side at all times and it was quite nice to be able to talk to her without a mass of other people between us.

Night finally fell over our camping site and after finishing dinner we grabbed a couple of bottles of Porto wine and headed for the beach. At one point the girls left us to answer Mother Nature's call and so I was left alone with Nathan. Taking a swig from the bottle he said:

"Just ask her, dude. I mean, I'm sure she likes you or else she would never have joined us here. And I know you like her; you can't take your eyes off her."

"I know I like her. I mean, I think I've really fallen hard for her. But I'm afraid that I will fuck up like all the previous times before. And I don't want to fuck up this time Nate. I mean, I really care for her and I would be very sad to loose such a good friend if I mess things up."

"Well...you know what they say...no guts, no glory...I mean, consider it. If you don't make a move, that will always eat you up about what could have been. If you do make a move the worst thing that can happen is that she will chew your head off and serve it on a plate. And I don't think she's that type of girl either. If she shies off then sure, you might loose a friend but I think that risk is well worth taking, if only to clear your mind from the endless what-ifs."

"But how? What should I do? I mean, when it comes to making the final push it's as if my tongue is tied and my brain shuts down."

"Well nobody says that girls are an easy issue. I mean, for a girl that matters, all off us had to be pushed out of our comfort zones. If you really have feelings for her, then you'll have to push yourself. Listen; try using an approach with which you're comfortable. That dinner you threw last year? That was splendid thinking! Just be yourself and you'll make it, I know you will."

Nathan's words were wisely spoken indeed. After we returned back from our excursion, I resolved to bring matters to a head. Trouble was, I didn't know how to approach Claire and under what pretext. In the end I decided to use skills in which I felt confident in. Since I lacked the bravado to directly speak my mind to her and perhaps scare her off permanently with my incompetence, I would write to her.

Writing short stories came naturally to me and it was even relaxing to some extent. I decided I would write her a story, cut it in two parts and send it to her. The first part would contain hints and innuendos about my feelings. If she kindly rejected the first part or claimed that she hadn't read it then everything would be over. If she showed interest in it and wanted to go on with the second part, then there would be real hope.

Having decided a course of action is one thing; executing the plan is quite another matter. As I was sitting on the fence trying to weigh the pros and cons of my plan, Claire managed to force my hand by inviting me to a concert she was going to attend with a friend of hers. The invitation was certainly not your conventional ticket buying affair; what we were going to do was to trek past the amphitheater and stand in the forest overlooking the concert.

That night was magical; perhaps it was the moonlit sky or the soft music which floated towards us. Whatever it was, I knew I had to seek some closure; I now had too many feelings for Claire to keep on pretending that she was just a friend. After toiling for two days, I managed to write a three page story. First I would send her the second part, the ending.

She walked alone on the beach that night. No amount of persuasion from her friends had changed her mind. She wanted to be alone. It was one of those moments that not even a friend can understand you. You simply want to be in silence. The last traces of the sun had long ago vanished behind the mountains to be replaced by a dazzling circus of stars.

It was windy tonight. The sea was choppy and with every gust of wind she could feel the foam hitting her face. Her hair was running loose along her back swaying along the wind current. It was a good idea that she had brought with her a hoodie. She would certainly need it for she had no intention of going back to her tent for a while. In fact, as she thought things over, she wasn't staying there any longer. Tomorrow she would be packing her things and leave. She just couldn't stand the place any more.

The memories and the feelings where too overpowering for her to bear. A tear left her eye streaking down her cheek. She had been betrayed once more. Is that what love was for? A dull pain had filled her heart; a feeling of emptiness had captured her soul. She sat down on the wet sand. She hugged her knees tightly, resting her chin on her lap. Suddenly her eyes felt heavy. A sense of weariness flooded her mind. She lay down on the sand, her legs curled close to her body. Her eyes closed. She fell into a deep sleep.

She felt her name being whispered in her ear. Shivers went through her body as the warm breath was caressing her ear. It felt so nice. "I must be dreaming again," she thought. But the dream went on. Next she felt a hand caressing her hair. It felt so nice. She didn't want to open her eyes; she didn't want to ruin the dream. The hand that was stroking her hair stopped. The dream was ending. It was too good to have been true.

She sighed in her sleep. Something warm and wet was on her ear...A kiss...She heard her name being spoken again. She smiled. The pair of lips became playful, toying with her ear lobe. Her heart picked up a beat. A warm feeling travelled down her spine...

"Claire..."

She opened her eyes. There he was.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to disturb you. It's...it's just that...well...I..."

She kissed him. He was taken aback. She kissed him again. This time his lips parted to meet her own. Their tongues met. He rubbed her hands down her back. Her tongue darted inside his mouth. His hands travelled to her chest. They broke their kiss. She looked into his eyes. She could see much. Fear, pain, longing, lust...She moved towards him...their lips met again. She could feel his heartbeat on his lower lip as they touched. She bit his lip hard. He kissed her neck. She felt as if a torch had been thrown on her body...

Oh boy, I thought. Here goes nothing. The story was well written and the feelings were very much in the open. If she turned this down then I would know. I pressed the "send" button and waited in trepidation. That night nothing happened. The next day passed in sheer torture and agony and again there was no phone call or reply. By the end of the second day I decided to go either boom or bust; I would phone her.

"Hey there Claire."

"Oh hullo there. It's good to hear you."

"I sent you an e-mail the other day...I wrote a short story for you. I sent you the first part. Did you by any chance read it?"

"I saw your mail and read your description but I didn't get the chance to read the attachment yet. But you mentioned something about a second part. Would you mind sending that as well so that I can read it in full?"

"Yeah, I guess I can do that. Sure, I'll mail it now for you. Just remember, that my first e-mail contains the ending and what I'm sending you now contains the beginning."

"Super. Listen, this coming weekend a group of my friends from my swim team shall be going on a camping trip, care to join us?"

"Uhh...yeah...why not...sure..."

"That's cool. I'll text you the details when I have them. You can bring your friends with you if you like; we're bound to be a big group."

"Oh...OK...Well, I'll wait for your text then. See you later..."

Just super! She probably had read it and she turned me down in an eloquent way. I mean, who goes on a prospective date with a bunch of other people. She wants her friends with her in order to keep me at bay. She's just being polite to offer me an invite. I probably shouldn't go...but, now that the die has been cast there is no turning back. I'll have to play along and see what happens.

I did send her the second part as she asked but with less enthusiasm than before.

The bus came to a screeching halt near the entrance gate of the camping site. I was told that she would be coming. I didn't know her very well; I had just seen her couple of times. I went to the gate more out of curiosity than anything else. And there she was clad in a simple black dress. I looked more intently at her as she greeted her friends.

A flashy white smile was the first thing you noticed on her. Then it was her hair resting like a golden mane on her shoulders. A round face adorned with a roman nose and a pair of pinkish lips. Almond colored eyes, charming and warm, holding you with them as you look. Her body was athletic and her muscles well-toned. She was of medium height and her build was symmetrical...

... and this is my friend Claire...

err...hello...pleased to meet you...

She reached up and we traded kisses. I wasn't used to being kissed by girls. I was rather shy and would never dare do such a thing. She smiled at me. I felt rather awkward. Not uneasy, not frightened. It's another feeling not easily described. It's when your heart suddenly picks up a beat. It's when your whole being says to you "I like that person"...

* * *

Days went by to be slowly woven into months. I got to know her better; you could say that we became friends. My early interest in her had abated somewhat; I really didn't know what to make out of her. She was being friendly towards me that was a fact. But I couldn't read her mind at all. I didn't even know her.

What I did get to know was just how sweet and kind she was with me. Still there were moments when I felt afraid of her. Scared. My mind was filled with negative thoughts. "What if I'm imagining things again", "what if I make a mess again", "what if..." Endless questions kept tormenting my mind...

* * *

My birthday came along that winter. I was feeling rather dull about it. I wasn't in a mood for celebrating. Loneliness can be hard on any person no matter how patient or stoical he is. Oh I wasn't a loner or anything. No, not at all. I had my circle of friends with which we kept a regular pattern of outings. But it was something else I was missing. A partner, someone to cherish, to love, to share moments with, to hold hands, to look in her eyes, to feel loved back. I didn't have that and the problem was that I never had it in the past.

Have you ever thought why is it that all important self – esteem crises happen on such important dates as birthdays for example? Perhaps it's the general notion that you're getting older without having accomplished anything in your life that really stings you.

This was my mood when Barry phoned me and asked if we could go out for a web game. I thought, "Why not, after all you're just wasting your time at home, why not waste it somewhere else". About two hours later we were done blasting each other with imaginary guns and rifles and we were considering what to do next.

Barry said that it was too early to go home and that we should go on for a nightcap. I half – heartedly agreed with him and I asked to which pub by the sea quay we would be going to. He said that we would be trying a new pub that he had found out somewhere else. It was only a short drive away. I looked at him rather puzzled but decided to play along.

After a short drive we did reach the pub in question. "Seaworld" was its name. And in there...my God...All my friends...and yes...she was there...she had that heartwarming smile. I was at a complete loss of words. I felt a lump rising in my neck. A surprise party just for me. And presents from everyone. I felt so emotional; I didn't know what to say.

She came over to hand me her present. She kissed me on the cheek. A nice blue paper bag. I quickly opened it. It was a so-called "air flute", the ornaments which you hang somewhere and when the wind picks up you can hear their music. There was a letter for me. I read it. I wanted to cry from happiness. She was so sweet to me. No one had ever written anything like this for me before. Later that night, I discovered that she had been the organizer of this surprise.

I went to bed with a happy face and her image imprinted in my mind...

* * *

Almost a year has passed since I met her. Summer was back again. I had finally finished with my university degree and by September I would be leaving for Manchester for my masters. She had also obtained her degree and practically we had nothing much to do. My friends suggested that we all go camping. She readily accepted the proposal and thus we were on our way.

The night came. She wasn't feeling very well. You could tell by the way her smile had disappeared from her face. You could tell it from her eyes which had a sad look in them. At some point she excused herself. She said that she wanted to be alone for a moment. She left from where we were sitting and started to wonder on the beach. I traced her figure with my gaze. I stood up. I followed her...

The second e-mail was sent late on Wednesday and now I had two full days to wait until Saturday. I spent that time restlessly pacing about my room doing nothing useful in particular.

The sparkling blue waters and the festive atmosphere of the beach bar did little to lift my spirits. Claire was constantly surrounded by her friends and apart from a few snippets that we traded there was no chance for a proper conversation between us. By nightfall my mood had sunken even lower and I was sitting alone aimlessly sipping at my drink. Claire came by me holding a bottle of red wine.

"A penny for your thoughts? You seem to be troubled by something; you're not your usual self tonight."

"Yes, you're right I do have something on my mind."

"Care to share that something with me?"

"I'm not sure if I can tell you."

"I'll make you a proposition: what would you say if we went further away on the beach and we shared this bottle perhaps that would make you feel better."

"I...ok...sure...lead the way..."

Claire led the way. As we walked away from the beach bar the thumping of the music faded away in the background.

"I think this spot is quiet enough," said Claire as she spread a sleeping bag on the soft sand. "I've brought this sweet red with me, I think you'll find it to your liking. So...what's troubling you?"

"I'm still too sober to tell you I think."

"Hmmmm....I know! Let's take a few swigs from this bottle and then we'll play a game! Since speaking your mind directly clearly makes you uncomfortable, I'll ask you several questions and you'll just answer with a yes or no. What do you think?"

"Ok, I guess I can do that."

"Sooooo....let's begin. This something which is on your mind is it about a person?"

"Yes."

"Is it about a family member?"

"No."

"Is it about a friend of yours?"

"Yes."

"Is it about a close friend?"

"Yes."

"Have you told anyone about your problem?"

"Yes."

"Did that help you?"

"Yes."

"Does that close friend know about your problem?"

"No."

"Is that close friend a female?"