Lighthouse

And I stared down at my feet, stayed quiet as the grave, and sipped my wine as I pondered everything I'd learned.

And everything I was beginning to suspect.

.:.

Dinner was a pleasant memory.

We sat at the two milk crates covered with plastic sheeting that doubled as her outdoor table, our seats two more milk-crates with cheap garden furniture pillows strapped onto them. Sue had been terribly embarrassed about them at first, but I'd smiled and brushed it off and complimented her on the herbs and shrubs she was cultivating in various repurposed tubs. That had led us into a conversation about gardens and herbs and trees and our favourite fruit, and soon our awkwardness was forgotten. Before long we'd shifted our "chairs" together, and I'd braced against the wall while she'd leaned in against me and rested her head against my shoulder.

The stars wheeled slowly through the night sky above us.

I held her hand loosely in mine, warm and relaxed under the weight of the blanket she'd draped around our shoulders to ward off the chill.

Every so often she'd tighten her grip for a moment, then slacken it again.

I felt hopeful that we'd passed some sort of low-water mark in our... well, I didn't know what to call it, but I hoped relationship was appropriate.

She smelled so good, and felt so good against me.

At some point I turned my face and tucked it in against her head and closed my eyes, content to just be.

"Ian," she murmured, after we'd been silent for some time.

"Mhmm?"

"I like being like this with you."

"That makes two of us then. I like holding you like this. Feeling you breathing against me, with nothing chasing us."

"Thank you. For this."

"You're welcome, Sue."

I kissed the top of her head, and smiled at the sound she made as she shifted against me.

"Dew's coming down," she murmured after a bit.

"Yeah. Perils of being outdoors."

She turned towards me, reached up and wrapped her arm around my neck, then pulled her face in against me. "Can we just stay here?" she whispered.

"Forever?"

"Yeah. Wave a wand, make this everything that there is or ever has been. I'd... I'd like that, I think."

"I wish I could. If there was ever anyone I wish I could do magic for, it would be you."

"I think I really like you, Ian."

"I think that I more than like you. Um... Sue?"

"Yeah," she breathed, as she nestled in closer.

"You should probably kick me out soon."

"Do I have to?"

"It would be wise."

"I hate being wise."

She tightened her arm; I felt a shudder run through her. "Can... can you..."

"What? What is it?"

"If... if you spent the night here... with me... would you expect sex from me? Would you demand it? Would you... force me?"

"No," I breathed, fighting down the sudden helpless rage as I realised what she meant, and what it implied about her.

"Then... could you..."

"Could I..."

"Could you stay? And... and just be here, with me? Just... just hold me? Nothing else?"

"Yes."

"Will you?" she begged.

I screwed my eyes tight against the black, burning ache in my chest.

"Yes," I whispered.

.:.

Something gently touched my cheek and I snorted, then blinked as I slowly woke up.

Blue eyes stared at me; far too close for me to easily focus on.

"Hey, gorgeous," I managed.

"Hey," she breathed, flushing.

"What time is it?"

"Early. I think you need to leave soon if you want to be on time for work."

"Bluh. Work."

She sighed. "As... as much as I would like you to stay here with me, I've heard that man cannot live by affection alone."

"I'd like to try that out sometime," I grumbled. Then I scrubbed at my face, wincing at the stubble I felt.

Oh well.

"Are you OK?" I asked her, when I'd booted a bit more.

"I... I think I am. Thank you for staying, and for being so... decent with me."

I reached out, cupped her cheek. "How could I not when you asked so nicely?"

She flushed a deeper red, glanced away, then back at me. "You're... flirting, right?"

"Maybe a bit," I admitted.

She stared at me for a moment, then leaned in and kissed me - gently, as if I were porcelain and she was scared of breaking me.

And then she hid her face against me once more.

"Want some toast?" she whispered. "I've only got Marmite to put on it, though."

"I love Marmite."

"Weirdo," she giggled.

"Guilty as charged," I agreed.

She pulled away and slid off the bed. "Come on, then," she said. "Shake that bum."

"Meh," I said, more interested in the hinted shape of her under the oversized tee shirt she'd pulled on. That and the glimpses of the lace underwear that occasionally flashed under the hem...

But I did as she demanded, and pulled on my own shirt, and shuffled from her small bedroom through to the living area like a modern-day re-enactment of the Ascent of Man. She watched me, lip curling upwards at my theatrics, then pushed a mug towards me.

"Coffee," she said.

I took a sip, and winced. "Oh, oh God, black and unsweetened..."

"Like my heart," she retorted, deadpan.

I glared at her; she had the grace to smile and shrug.

She watched me finish dressing, then closed her bedroom door on me while she pulled on clothes of her own.

She walked me down to my car and hugged me tightly, then gave me one more gentle, almost hesitant kiss before I reluctantly disentangled myself and said goodbye.

I detoured home to change, and was more or less on time to the office, but I'd be the first to admit that my heart was not in it.

I had thoughts only of how beautiful and fragile I found her, and how much I liked her, and of how very, very angry I was growing with the world for what it had done to her.

By mid-morning I couldn't bear it any longer, so I sent her a short Hope you're having a nice morning. I miss you.

Her response came quickly.

Missing you too. I'm afternoon shift today, so I'm all alone right now.

Wish I could have stayed

That would have been nice. Lazy daydreams in your arms, listening to your breathing. Just what the doctor ordered.

Far better than what I'm up to, that's for sure. Office tea and biscuits are a poor substitute for you.

I taste better came her response.

I stared down at my phone, wondering...

Gotcha. I can almost see your expression

Taunting a thirsty man. Nice. I sent, then grinned at the :P I got back.

I sat down at the office's inadequate kitchen table, tried to think of something teasing and gentle to send her that didn't sound horrendously cringey or, worse, creepy.

But again she was too quick for me.

You're the first boy who's ever held me the way you do. The first I've felt safe with.

I love holding you

Will you do it again tonight?

Yes, if you like

OK. It's a date then.

And the knowledge that I was going to see her that evening buoyed me for the rest of the day.

.:.

"First door on the right," I said. "It's unlocked."

"OK."

She fumbled at the door, and muttered a quiet "Fuck," under her breath.

"Sue?"

"Yeah?"

"If you're not ready for this..."

"No. It's not that..."

She managed to get my door open, and shot me a small smile. "Just nervous," she said. "Good nervous. Butterflies. Not... anything else."

"OK," I said. "Please tell me the moment that changes so I can..."

"If it changes," she interrupted me. "I'm... hopeful it wont. Signs are good that... it won't."

"Here. Let me take that jacket for you."

"Thanks," she breathed. "So... this is your flat."

"This is my modest den of minor iniquity, yes."

"I like it. It feels... calm. Organised... I like that it's open plan. And that you've made some effort to clean it up," she added with a shy grin.

"I pretend well," I said, and she smiled at me. "Who's that?" she asked, pointing to a photo. "Your mum and dad?"

"Yeah."

"They look... nice. Um... oh... does your mum always wear that sort of stuff?"

I glanced at the photo again, and grinned. "The pendants, crystal balls and dragon paraphernalia?"

"Yeah."

"I'm afraid so," I said.

She snorted.

"Tea? Coffee?" I asked her.

"Got any decent booze?"

"Um... no, just beer."

"What kind of beer.?"

"Just some... supermarket ales, really."

"Oh well. Good thing I came prepared then," she said. She reached into her bag and pulled out a bottle. "Please tell me you at least have some wine glasses."

"I do..."

"Well then," she said. "It's a pinot noir, so it may be an acquired taste. But... supposedly it's nice enough. I won it at work, and I've been... well, I've been hoping I'd find someone to drink it with," she finished, softly. She watched me, head canted to one side. "Ian..."

"Yeah?"

"Have you eaten?"

"Not really, no..."

"Would it bug you if... if I cooked for you again?"

"Um... but..."

"I know it's your place, and I know you said you owe me... but..."

"What is it?"

"I just really love it. Cooking. And I've hated only having me to do it for. So... could I?"

"Tell you what... you can teach me. I'll watch and do the basics. Does... does that work for you?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Actually, that sounds like fun. It will be a bit of a squeeze though," she added, as she eyed my tiny kitchenette.

"Just gives me more opportunity to be up close and personal with you."

"You sure do know how to please a girl."

"I'm a quick study."

"Pour the wine, you," she said, imperiously. "And lets see what you've got in that fridge."

And she brushed past me and caressed the small of my back as she did so.

.:.

"You were right. It is indeed the view of the back of someone else's house."

"I know, right. Better than TV; sitting here and watching their cat... oh no..."

"What? Oh... oh eeuw! It's vomiting!"

"That's life, isn't it. One moment you're on top of the world, and other days you're watching a cat puke its guts up..."

She shuddered, laughing into my neck.

"You're such a boy," she whispered. "I... like that. I like how you make me laugh."

She tightened her arm around me, pressed in closer.

"You're so nice and warm," she breathed.

"All the better to warm you up," I said, in a big bad wolf voice, and she laughed again.

Her knee crept upwards onto my thigh.

"You relax me so wonderfully, Ian."

"You don't..."

"What do you mean?" she said, pretending outrage.

"You have a profound effect on me, but... it's not a relaxing one."

"Oh? Oh."

She shifted slightly, lifted her knee further. "What will I feel, I wonder," she murmured.

"Um..."

"Something nice, I suspect..."

I groaned. She shuddered and pressed her leg against the obvious line of my erect and aching penis.

"That's quite a problem you have there, Ian," she breathed. "I'm flattered."

"Good," I whispered. "I've... been having those for a while now."

"I... noticed. Your hugs were always... fun."

She crawled her hand down around my chest to my lap, and I took a shaky breath as she trailed a finger over me.

"That feels uncomfortable."

"Oh, trust me, it is."

"I always wondered how you guys coped. For me it's just... heat and dampness and emptiness of one sort or another. For you it seems so... awkward."

"It is," I whispered, shimmying slightly as she ran her fingertip up and down along me.

"I bet you want to put that somewhere... more constricting..."

"You are so... evil..."

She shifted. "Coming up," she breathed as she rearranged herself and threw her leg over me. She sat down on her haunches, took my hands, and put them to her hips.

Then she sat there, still and silent for a moment...

"Ian," she said.

"Yeah?"

"I'm... badly damaged. You... you will need to be patient. I... I can't predict what this is going to be like."

"What... what is..."

"Sex with me."

"Sue, we don't..."

"I want to. I want you to be my first... since..."

I stared up at her. "Are you... sure? I'll wait. I'll wait for you forever..."

She pulled herself down to me, and kissed me, then clung to me.

"It's because you will that I don't want to," she moaned. "I've... so much has been done to me. For once... for just once I want to be... in control. Can... can you let me?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"OK. OK. I believe you. Ian..." she whispered.

"Yeah," I groaned, as she pressed her belly down against me.

"I'm not on the pill. Do you have..."

"No..." I mumbled. "Sorry. Stupid oversight..."

"OK. Fuck sakes... So... are you OK if we... don't..."

"Sue," I whispered. "I'm fully on board with whatever you want. You decide what you want and tell me. Right? There is no way under Heaven that I will do anything that you do not explicitly, and I do mean very explicitly, tell me to."

She nuzzled my neck.

"Ian?"

"Uh huh."

"I am... uhn... explicitly saying this."

"Um... saying what?"

"Take me to your bed and undress me."

"Right now?"

"Right now," she breathed. "Very much right now."

"How about I... carry you there."

Her mouth curved up into a smile. "That sounds fun. Off you go. Abduct me..."

And then she squealed as I got my arms under hers, locked them behind her, and rolled forwards off the bench. I stabilised her, shifted an arm under her knees, and gathered her in to me.

She stared up at me, a small, almost worried frown appearing for a moment.

"Christ, you're strong. Please... don't hurt yourself," she breathed.

"You're light as air," I reassured her. "Don't stress, I've got you."

I manoeuvred her through the sliding door, and sidled down through the strange trapezoid of useless space between my kitchen and my sleeping area. I lowered her gently onto my bed, and she shifted slowly backwards up towards the headboard.

"Take your shirt off," she whispered, and so I slowly reached down and pulled it off and cast it aside.

"Come here," she breathed. "Come here and... lie here next to me."

I carefully made my way to her; she put her hand to my chest and nudged me over onto my back. She rolled half onto me, buried her face in my neck, and kissed me once, gently.

"Are you..."

"I'm... OK..." she breathed. She shifted her hands on my chest, then slipped one down to touch me again. I groaned.

"Just... exploring," she whimpered. "Just... enjoying you..."

"I'm... not going anywhere..."

"Good."

She gave me a gentle nip, then pushed herself up onto her haunches. She slowly pulled her vest up and off herself.

I kept my gaze on her eyes.

"My breasts are down here, Ian," she said with a small smile as she cupped them. "You can look at them, you know. I'd like you to..."

She unclipped her bra and let it fall aside.

"Wow..." I whispered. "Oh wow, Sue..."

"You... like them?"

"Very... oh, yes, very much."

"I... always wished I had them slightly bigger..."

"No. Definitely not. They're wonderful...can I..."

"What?"

"Touch them?"

She guided my hands up to her. And she made a low, rough noise in her throat as I stroked her and arched myself up against her.

"I'd... mm... like..."

"Like what?" I groaned.

"I'd like you to... kiss them. And me as well," she added softly.

"Come move up onto my lap, then..." I said. I braced myself against my headboard, and she cautiously slid up to straddle me.

She moaned, deep in her throat, as I tongued her left nipple and kissed the soft, warm skin around it.

"Oh," she breathed. "Oh, that is nice. Oh, babe, that is... mm... so wonderful..."

She ground slowly against me, whimpering as I kissed the other. I ran my fingers slowly down over her ribs to her hips, and she shuddered against me.

"You feel so nice," she whispered. "God, you feel so nice. So nice. So gentle. Are you gentle?"

"Yes," I whispered.

"Always?"

"Always."

"OK," she panted. "I... believe you..."

I kissed slowly up to her throat, and then along and down her collarbone. She clamped her thighs over mine, panting softly before she slowly brushed herself along me.

"Ian," she groaned. "I'm... you've got me so wet... do you... do you want to feel?"

"Yeah," I moaned.

"So feel. I'm... explicitly..."

And I fumbled between us, and slipped my fingers under her skirt and up along a thigh, and she moaned and shuddered as I reached her.

"Oh. Oh babe. Push.... push my panties aside," she whimpered. "Just do it. Just put those fingers... oh... oh, yes, like that, like that, oh my God oh my God..."

She was soaked and hot; her clit and lips slick and ready. I teased her open, found her entrance, curled my fingertip along and just into it...

She cried out, pulled back, held herself panting aside from me...

"Sorry, shit, I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"No... no... it's OK... I..."

And then she slowly lowered herself back down, and opened herself wider. "Again," she begged. "Do that again. Just... just the tip... at first..."

And then she buried her face against me and moaned, low and almost agonised, as I probed into her.

"Don't... stop..." she panted. "I... I need this... I need you to... to do this to me..."

"Sue..."

I'm so ready for you, babe," she panted in my ear. "It's OK. It's OK. You can have me... if you must. You're... probably going to do it anyway... so you might as well... get it over with..."

I went cold.

"I'm not... strong enough to stop you anyway...never could..." she whimpered.

I froze for a heartbeat or two. Then slowly, deliberately, I pulled my hand away from her and out from between us.

"No," I breathed. "No. Stop."

"... no?"

Her voice; tiny, unsure, unspeakably hurt...

I closed my arms around her and held her to me.

"I'm not... going to take you by force, Sue. Never. If you want something from me, you only have to ask and it's yours. At your speed, when you want, if you want and only if you want. I'm not like... that," I added. "I don't know what... happened to you. But I can guess. So right now, we're going to slow this down. I'm going to take you in my arms, and hold you, and kiss you if you want me to, and nothing more..."

"Don't you want me?" she asked me plaintively.

"Yes. I want you. Of course I want you. I want to be deep in you, all the way in you, with you spread on me..."

"Why won't you... just... take me then? It's OK, it really is, I won't cry, I won't tell anyone, I promise..."

"No, honey," I managed as my heart broke. "Not like that. Never like that."

"But you're hard," she moaned. She fumbled for me, squeezed me in her fingers. "You're hard, Ian, why don't you..."

"I know, I know honey, I know. And I want you... just... not like this..."

She made a low noise of pain, and slumped forward against me, and I held her, supported her...

"Sorry," she whispered when she could.

"Why? Why are you saying sorry to me?"

"For spoiling..."

"You haven't spoiled..."

"You wanted to be in me. And now you're not... because I'm such a fucking... train wreck..."

"Sue. My God. Please. Listen. Of... of course I want to be with you. God... I... I want to do things to you that would make Trisha the stripper look like a nun. But... but I can feel you're not ready for this. This would be completely wrong..."

She clung to me; I could feel the shivers running through her with each breath she gasped.

"I wanted you to... want me."

"Sue. Listen to me. I do. I swear I do..."

"Then why won't you..."

"Because of the change in you... you went from wanting me to... to being resigned to being... and... and I love you and would never, could never do that to you."

I felt her fingers clench.

"... love me?"

"Yes," I breathed.

"Don't say those words. Don't say them. Don't. Don't you dare. Don't say them unless you mean them, I can't, I can't..." she panted.

"I do mean them," I whispered.

"I don't want to be broken like this any more," she wailed.

And she began to cry harsh, ugly, raw, broken sobs.