- Lesbian Sex
- LJ's Story
- Page 5
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Being clear about not wanting anything to do with men however, did very little to satisfy my smoldering sexual needs. I masturbated quite frequently at that time, almost once per day and always thinking about beautiful females that I had seen previously. As is well known however, masturbation can only take you so far; ultimately it is intimate contact that will fulfil your fundamental desire to be with another human being. And I'm not talking exclusively about the sex here, although that was in the forefront of my thoughts at the time. Sometimes, you just want someone to talk to, someone who shares your fears, dreams, way of life. You just need to hold their hand or enjoy a walk in the park.
It was only now, a couple of months after I had settled in, that I came to realize just how important a role Joshua had played in my life. Sure, he didn't fulfil any of my intimate needs, but he was a genuine friend to whom I could pour my heart out. Now, I had no one with whom I could truly be free with and all this effort spent at keeping my secret within me, started to take its toll.
As always my rational mind kicked in and offered three options: a) I could prowl the IRC channels that I knew of to find a prospective friend/date/whatever, b) I could pay a visit to the lesbian bar scene which, in Montreal, wasn't very difficult to do and c) I could join the LGBT community here on campus. I opted to focus my efforts on option a) because it offered a relative modicum of anonymity. I was probably scared and intimidated of option b) and I was still not ready to go all out with option c).
Through my previous contacts I eventually ended up late one night chatting with user "Mystique" on a private room.
And just like that, she went offline. As the adrenaline of what I had just dared to do wore off, I begun to kick myself in the butt. What have I done? I've arranged to meet with a complete stranger. For all I know she or he could be a serial killer. I mean, sure we had chatted around for quite a bit, she had described herself in words, I had done the same, but still...that was one hell of a way to run a railroad. Was I really going to do this? I was, wasn't I?
Sleeping was really difficult that night. I tossed and turned around and in the end I had to revert to the tried strategy of getting myself off in order to fall asleep. The next day, I was like a zombie. I went for my usual morning swim practice but my heart and mind weren't really into it. At my classes, I was absentminded and caught myself daydreaming a number of times.
After thoroughly tormenting myself through lectures and labs, I rushed back to my dorm to freshen up for my meet. What to wear? My usual sweatpants and hoodie wouldn't do, it was a Friday evening after all. And besides, what if the place had a dressing code? Better overdress than be embarrassingly sorry later.
Starting from the inside out, I wore my newly purchased skin colored thong with a matching Wonderbra on top (yes, I was finally able to buy my underwear on my OWN, without a chaperon). Since it was not freezing cold outside I opted to wear my thigh high brown skirt with a cinnamon colored pantyhose. As there was no snow outside, I could wear my elfish looking brown suede boots. On top, I chose a sugar colored turtleneck and I let my hair loose on my back. I even went so far as to apply some earthly mauve lip gloss, a major first for me.
It was really a highly surreal experience. On one hand I was going through all these notions of making myself...presentable? Attractive? And on the other hand, I was forcefully trying to convince myself not to chicken out. What was I expecting? Why was I doing this again? In the end, I steeled my nerves and walked out the door.
It's really funny what a set of proper clothing and five minutes in front of your mirror will do for you. I felt the same inside, but I did get lots of looks and a couple of wolf-whistles along the way. Well, I may not enjoy being hit by men but when people turn around to look at you, that's a confidence booster in my books. Because I was going to need all the confidence I could get in the next few hours, I reasoned. Sure, I had been with Brittany before but, although the feelings I felt and had with her were still in my heart, there was a bit of puppy love involved with her. The world of womanly love was still something which felt a bit uncharted to me. As a friend of mine many years later put it, seeking out your better half feels like trying to run your bicycle through a living room filled with crystal vases in the dark. You're bound to make mistakes and get hurt.
These thoughts kept me company as I made the short walk to the "Le Drugstore" club. The venue was actually quite intimidating; as I nervously perused the surroundings, I could tell that the place should be huge. How on earth was I going to find Mystique in all of this? Feeling mightily deflated, I stood outside pondering on whether I should go in or not when I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. Turning around I saw two women sizing me up. One was tall and thin with tomboyish platinum died hair. She was eyeing me rather warily. The other one was shorter, raven haired with a purple streak, clad in black clothing. The shorter one came over to me an extended a hand: "You must be LJ" she said. "I'm Mystique and this is my partner...Shall we head inside?" Well, now that we're all one big happy gathering, why not, I thought.
Once inside, we found a nice comfortable booth to sit and Mystique leaned over and whispered something to her partner. She grudgingly left and headed over to the bar, probably, as I reckoned, to get something to drink. The place was absolutely huge; it was a mix between a pub and a club and since this was a Friday after work evening, the place was starting to fill with people. The crowds I saw were mostly females but there were some men there as well.
As we traded awkward pleasantries with Mystique her grim faced partner arrived holding three large glasses of Labatt's blue. I had never drank beer before as my family, due to my father's Mediterranean heritage, usually had wine with dinner. We weren't allowed to drink and apart from that glass of Chianti when we celebrated my acceptance at McGill, I had never before consumed alcohol of any kind. This beer though tasted surprisingly well and its coolness felt thoroughly refreshing. The way the fizzle of the pilsner made my tongue tickle was welcome in its newness.
Before I knew it, I had downed half the glass and a loud hiccup made me giggle like a school girl. Whoops! We've maybe gone a little too fast here my brain thought. Mystique smiled at my cutesy mishap and even her hard-nosed partner softened somewhat.
"Listen...LJ...There is something here that I want to tell you. My real name is Darla and my partner here is Valeria. She, by the way, though that I was nuts coming here like that to meet you. I know she's right, but I sensed a great deal of anguish in you and I wanted to help. You were extremely foolish to come here and meet with me like that, you know. I could have been a serial killer or a stalker. I could have gathered information about you and then extort you with it. There are all kinds of perverts and idiots lurking in our channels and you can't just go meeting people like that or you'll get into trouble..."
My head dropped and I started staring at my beer glass, embarrassed and ashamed at being reprimanded like that.
"Sweetie, I know you feel bad right now but I simply had to tell you these things. I know what you're going through, trust me, I've been in those shoes of yours and I can tell. I'm here to help you and if you have anything to ask, go ahead. Just promise me that in the future you'll be more careful with your virtual contacts."
Taking a big gulp of beer for courage I decided to open myself up.
"Well...for starters my real name is Jennifer...I...I am 99% positive that I'm...I'm into girls...exclusively that is. I've tried boys twice, didn't do anything for me, I've been with a girl once and it was magic. But after my first girl, I've been stuck. I mean, I'm hiding myself. I pretend. I create this shield around myself constantly scared that someone will find my secret. But...but there are moments when my armor just cracks, when I just long to be with another girl...and I don't know what to do."
"First, let's talk about the positives here. You should count yourself lucky to have come out to your own self. Others are far less fortunate than you are. Just imagine the torment of having to deny to yourself what you are and have to lead a crappy, unhappy life full of lies and denial. Imagine being married with children, being totally unhappy and miserable and having to pretend and make belief for the sake of your family.
So yes, that 99% positive is very very good. Now, coming out to your immediate friends and family, THAT, can be tricky. I won't lie to you Jennifer; your folks will be shocked, there's definitely going to be some shock involved. Now their reaction can vary. If your background is a stable and loving environment, then they'll probably come around and at least accept you for what you are. Will things be as they were before? I hope they will but you shouldn't expect miracles either.
That's the positive scenario here; in my circle I've seen and heard about daughters being kicked out of the house by their own mothers, by parents disowning their own children and not speaking to them and by so called friends refusing to walk in the same sidewalk with you for fear of contacting a disease. You will be called names, you will be discriminated against and people will knowingly or unknowingly be cruel and hurtful towards you.
Now, I don't want to scare you but sensing in you some naïveté...You need to have the wool pulled off from your eyes Jennifer. I'm sure you're a lovely person and from your emails and chats you sounded like a good hearted individual, otherwise I would never have gone to all the trouble to come and meet you here. You need to see though that we live in an imperfect world; now that you've left the protective folds of your family you need to see the dangers of the real world. And, unfortunately as it may sound, you need to understand that, coming out has repercussions...I know I've served a lot on your plate...What do you think?
"Uhhhh...I feel like I need another drink right now to be honest."
"We can do that but just a small one now. Is this your first time to drink sweetie?"
"Uh...yes...Am I that transparent?"
"Well...if I were you, I'd be a bit careful standing up."
What Darla had said suddenly made me realize that my bladder was full. I excused myself and rose to head to the bathroom. As I did, I felt a pulsing going through my temples and my head felt a bit hazy. My walking required conscious thought on my part. Making my way to the bathroom, I noticed this tall, almost as tall as me, muscular blonde with an almost military crew cut semi-blocking my way. As I approached the corridor which led to the ladies room she blocked my path completely.
"My, my, my! What a pretty new face we have here. What's your name sugar?"
I froze in my tracks, scared and confused at the same time.
"Uhhh...if you'd excuse me...I'd like to go the bathroom..."
"What and leave my company so soon? How about a get-to-know-you kiss?"
Before my alcohol impaired brain had any chance to register what had just been said, the blonde skillfully shoved me to the wall and grabbing my face with her unusually strong arms swooped in to kiss me. Although I was not exactly a pushover and I did have couple of inches on her, she was much stronger and my reflexes were considerably impaired due to the beer. Images of Fred started flashing through my brain and I panicked; I squirmed trying to get away from her but using her body weight and her iron grip she had me pinned to the wall. I felt her hand roughly groping my sweater and one of her legs grinding up my groin.
"SARAH! GET AWAY FROM HER NOW!"
"What, you keep pets now Darla? Or isn't Valerie enough?"
"Get the fuck away from her you stupid cunt or else you'll have to deal with us! MOVE IT! NOW! You're such a stupid bitch pulling off moves like that on kids. Don't you see she's crying?"
Darla and Valerie had been my saviors. But as Sarah disappeared and the adrenaline left, I felt my body slowly collapse to the floor. Silent tears begun streaking my face as I hugged my knees shivering uncontrollably.
"Ssssshhhh...it's okay...it's okay...hey...let's get you cleaned up and let's go home. Hey Val...help me here please..."
They picked up from the floor, steadied me and holding my arms they took me to the bathroom. They stayed right outside my stall as I relieved my bladder; then I splashed some cold water on my face which really helped. Why, oh why did these things have to happen to me? First Fred, now this! Just the mere thought brought tears once more to my eyes. I had to get out of here immediately.
"Darla...Would you be so kind and walk me to my dorm please?"
"Will do sweetheart. I'm so sorry this happened to you...Remember what I told you about the world being dangerous? Well, sadly you got a bitter taste early on. Our cosmos is not any different from that of the rest I'm afraid. Stupid and nasty people can be found everywhere. Some like Sarah think that because you're a new face in a gay bar you're like a piece of meat to be devoured. Sad but true."
"Just get me out of here please. I feel like I may puke if I stay any longer."
We walked towards my dorm in silence. Darla and Valerie walked with me in between, perhaps to keep an eye on me on the way. Soon enough we reached the university campus. I turned and hugged both of them:
"Thank you...For saving me...and for the chat we had...and for the beer..."
"You're welcome sweetheart. We both didn't have it easy in our lives and well...you seemed like a decent person so I decided to help. Valerie here believes on people having to fall and get back up on their own. I think that lending a hand to someone in need is the decent thing to do. After all, what I told you will only lead you to the water. You'll have to do the drinking by yourself. Take care now and should you need me, you know where to find me."
I rushed to my room and locked the door. I collapsed on my bed without taking off my boots or clothes. The episode with Sarah had helped to drive home what Darla had told me earlier. The world was cruel and dangerous and what had happened at "Le Drugstore" was a useful wake-up call. I'd also have to plan about how I'd come out to the world.
The hectic schedule of my program helped me to quickly forget about that unhappy episode at the club. That meant that option b) was out; I wasn't going to find what I needed from the bar scene. Since I wasn't interested in one-nighters this definitely wasn't the way to go. That left plan c), the LGBT student alliance but that could potentially mean involuntary outing myself. I did have a flier with all necessary information as to where and when they held their meetings but I sat on the fence undecided.
Going home for Thanksgiving had been a wake-up call. During the various feasts with relatives I was constantly queried about my boyfriend, whether I was dating and so on. Was this the life I'd have to lead from now on? To hell with it! I couldn't take another family reunion like that, not have to pretend for the rest of my life! That night, after Thanksgiving dinner was over I quietly took my sister aside and asked her if she could come to my room for a sister to sister chat. Intrigued Elisabeth followed me in as I closed the door to my room.
"So what is that you want to tell me?"
"Eli...there is no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. I'm gay."
Elisabeth blinked widely and looked quite stunned.
"Eli? Please say something?"
"Well...ummmm...wow! Do mom and dad know?"
"No, you're the first one I told. I couldn't take it any longer, I had to tell. Please...please don't tell anyone Okay? Please Eli..."
A very somber faced Elisabeth turned to face me.
"Well, I guess I'll have to wear a robe now when we share the bathroom. I don't want you to perve on me..."
"What?"
My sister had already collapsed with laughter on my bed.
"You little shit. For a moment there you really had me going!"
"You should have seen your face though...it was priceless, sorry...I couldn't help it."
"So you're OK with it then?"
"Of course I'm OK you big oaf! You're my sister and my feelings for you aren't going to change because of whom you choose to bed! Besides...this could be useful..."
"Oh?"
"Well, anytime I need a second opinion for my clothes on a date night I could phone you and give you a description. If it gets your juices flowing that means success for me!"
A second later, I chugged my pillow squarely on her head. An old fashioned pillow fight ensued and we ended up laughing our guts out on the floor. God, it felt so nice to be home.
"Eli? You're the bestest sister in the world. You have no idea what this means to me. Thank you..."
"Oh shut it. That's what sisters are for. We're not living in the middle ages anymore and if girls are your thing, then power to you. You're gonna have to be a bit more careful with mom and dad though. They might take some time getting used to this."
"I know...I know...Trust me I've given this a lot of thought. I really wanted to tell you earlier but I couldn't find the nerve to do so. You can't imagine the weight that's been lifted off my chest now. I'll find a way to tell them and until then..."
"My mouth is sealed..."
I returned back to Montreal a much happier person than I had left. I was cheerful and this was noticed by both my friends and floor mates. Telling such a secret to a person you deeply care about can be a hugely liberating experience if that person accepts you for who you are.
Elisabeth came to visit me just before the Christmas break, ostensibly to help me pack, but most probably because she wanted to do some Christmas shopping away from my mom's watchful eyes. We had the chance to talk quite a lot during those two days we were alone there and she persuaded me to join the LGBT club. I resolved to do so once I returned back from the Christmas break.
