Magic

The inside of the card had more balloons with smiley faces on them and the printed message it had underneath the balloons read. "Happy birthday, I hope all your dreams and wishes for the future all come true on this your eighteenth."

Under that I crossed out the mushy stuff I had written, and wrote in a heavy hand. "It would have been nice to enjoy your birthday like we planed to do, but I guess you didn't want what I wanted. I may be young and inexperienced in romance but I did love you with everything I had. I wish you had appreciated my love for you a lot more. I guess all our past together and all our plans for the future meant nothing to you. I can't live with your betrayal. SO BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS I'LL BE GONE. ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH SHANE. GOOD BYE!"

After my parents left to go to the party, without thinking about the consequences, I did the most stupid thing I had ever done in my whole life. Like someone too afraid to face what was going to happen, which I admit I was! I just packed up what I could carry in a backpack and filled a duffle bag and strapped it to the seat of the bike and left on my Honda. I was almost seventy five miles away when I felt a blast of terror from the "magic" but with tears in my eyes I kept on traveling down the highway. I went far enough away from home not to feel anything from "magic", or hear anything that was going on back home.

The big thing was by running away that day; it made me a high school drop out, which meant I lived from one menial job to another menial job, existing day to day and most times sleeping in shelters.

It took me five years of barely surviving with no contact with anyone before I finally had to admit I had to go back home. I guess it was either that or starve to death. That was five years of everyday questioning myself wondering why it happened and wondering how she could do that to me.

I had sold my bike a few weeks after running away so I could eat for a while which meant I had no transportation. So I had no choice but to hitch-hike home. It took me three weeks to get back there.

Mom and Dad were sure happy to see me. A few days after the excitement of the homecoming died down, they asked me if I wanted to talk about Allison. From past events they had pieced together why I had run from Allison, but they were concerned parents and wanted to give me some facts to fill in some blanks in what happened after I left. They also wanted to hear my story. I'm sure they wanted to get me to talk about things so I could start to get on with my life.

Dad told me the day of Allison's party was something out of a horror movie. Everyone could see Allison was concerned I hadn't arrived and she was confused why I wasn't there to celebrate with her. She was anxiously looking for me and every time a car drove by, or she heard noise outside she ran to the window to look to see if it was me. She had even told her mother that she could feel there was something wrong with me.

There's that "magic" again even if it was so weak it was hard to read it anymore. She tried to call me, but by then I was out the door and on my way down the highway, doing my running away thing.

The time came to open presents. She was disappointed and visibly sad I wasn't there. So in front of some of our friends and relatives when she came to my card she read it silently and her face got longer the more she read until she gave out a bloodthirsty scream scaring the hell out of everybody. She cried out "NO NO, NO." She jumped up with a shocked look on her face spinning around hoping to get some answers from what the "magic" might give her.

She again cried out, "NO. Oh god I can't feel him anymore. Where is he? No... He's really gone." She then ran frantically to her room. The door slammed and she locked the door. All they could hear through the door was her crying out repeatedly, "No, no. He can't leave. What have I done? What have I done?" I guess they tried for a half hour talking through the door, trying to get her out of there. It sounded like she was getting more frantic so they broke down the door. I guess with that hullabaloo the party was pretty much over at that point and everyone was leaving.

The card was lying on the floor and her mother saw it there. She read it and realized her daughter had just destroyed something very precious. Nancy was soon crying along side Allison trying to ease the pain in her grief-stricken daughter.

After that tale, my mom told me a couple of months after that dreadful day Allison did call looking for me, and left a short message. All she said was to tell me she was sorry.

So after five years of being gone, I was home and went on with my life. The first thing I did was to complete school, then find a job. Even after all that time I would still have frequent flashbacks about Allison, and they would usually set me back for a couple of days or so. To tell the truth, I would be a walking zombie on those days. Thank god for family and friends. They helped me to no end getting my feet on the ground again.

6) Back to the Wedding.

7)

That brings me back to walking across the dance floor at my friend's wedding. When Nancy, Allison's mom saw me approaching, she covered her mouth with a hand as if she was nervous that I was coming her way. But she didn't move and just waited for me to approach. The first thing she did when I stopped in front of her was give me a hug as she said, "Hi stranger. I heard you've been back for a while... You've been missed at our place. You are looking good."

I'm sure those are all the platitudes a person speaks in difficult situations, and this sure was one of those.

She paused looking at me and added, "I hope you're better. Your mom says you had a rough time of it."

As if to answer the puzzled look on my face she added, "Yeah we are still friends with your parents." That fact surprised me because mom and dad, in all the time I had been back, never even hinted they were still friends with Allison's parents.

Because she was always nice to me, I tried to be polite to her and I exchanged greetings. After the hello's I found myself with a snippy voice replying to her comment on looking good, "I maybe back, but don't bullshit me. I don't look anything like I used to... I'm better than I was I guess, but I know I look as bad as I feel on most days."

I saw those words had taken her aback and realized everything that had happened wasn't her fault so I said, "Sorry about that, I apologize, I still have a hard time controlling myself whenever something reminds me of her... And you sure do that!" I changed subjects and asked, "Where's Jack?"

Nancy pointed towards the front of the hall. "Oh right I forgot, he's a photographer, I haven't been paying to much attention to small things like that and never noticed him doing his job right in front of me. So how did Dennis and Jamie select you guys to be the photographers at their wedding?"

"Luck of the draw I guess."

I noticed a couple of my friends hovering close by and I waved them away. I knew they were worried and watching out for me, but no matter how this turned out I didn't need spectators. They went back to their table, but I could see they were still keeping an eye on me.

Nancy then said to me, "Look, if you can handle it now, could we please sit somewhere private and talk? There's a lot that needs to be said."

All I could do is nod in acceptance. I figured that I would have to do a lot more harder things than talk to Nancy at sometime or other, and I might as well start things off with her.

She led me to an unused table and we sat. Nancy just looked at me for a while hoping I would say something. There was just silence from me and she decided to start things off and said, "Your parents might have told you this, but here it is anyway. After Allison opened that card from you she realized what her actions had done and she was shattered... She was so shattered she had a breakdown. It took a while before she was functional again. We had a rough time with her and were always checking on her because we were sure she was suicidal. That note you left in that card really hurt her."

I said, "Sounds like she was feeling the same as I was, I guess it's the thing to do when your heart gets shredded and life as you know it goes to hell."

It was my turn to apologize again. "Look I'm sorry about the card, I grew to love you and Jack, and I considered you to be my mom and dad as much as my real parents. I didn't want you to be hurt, but I just couldn't face Allie... All our sharing of plans, and dreaming of our future and all those loving happy times we had were gone in the blink of an eye. It just hurt so much the way she destroyed me and everything I thought we had. I had to get away."

Nancy then seriously said, "I can understand that, but I'm going to say something to you like I am one of your parents, which I feel I am anyway. I hope you listen to me and think before you respond... OK?"

I nodded agreeing to her request. "I don't want to sound condescending and sounding like my daughter could do no wrong, because she did. Even she couldn't figure out why she did what she did. Allison realized the day you left just how much she ruined both of your lives, all for a few kicks."

She then went on and said, "But having said that, your running away like you did, and not facing your problems head on was not the right thing to do either. If you wanted to break it off with her you could have told her to her face, or talked it over with her at least... I admit she screwed up causing you a lot of pain, but you did the same to her by being too afraid to face her... It's both your faults that you both have been feeling like shit since that day by not being adult enough to face each other. Once she was stable she wanted to apologize to you so badly, but you were not to be found. I think the two of you both suffered because you didn't talk about what happened and it has been festering inside the two of you ever since."

I humbly said, "I know... My mom and dad have said the same thing on more than one occasion and the last little while I have been realizing that I should talk to her, but I don't know how to go about that. Maybe one day I can figure it out."

"It would be nice if you could. At least then maybe the two of you could get some closure and get on with your lives." She then said, "Look you're going to have to address this situation sooner or later. You both can't live feeling sorry for yourselves and what happened, if it's over, tell her. But, if you want to take another shot at it, you two will have to work that out, and to do that you have to talk with each other."

I was starting to feel dismal again when I said, "It's hard thinking about moving on. I'm sure you know how much I wanted to be with Allie for the rest of my life. That was before that night when I saw what the two of them were doing. What she was doing with him was something that we promised to only share with each other"

I got tears in my eyes and whispered, "Shit I even had a real diamond ring to replace my school ring for her birthday." I paused, thinking a bit, and then added, "I saved every penny I could to get that ring, and after all that work and hoping she would say yes everything turned to shit... I think that ring is in some ravine south of here... Can't really remember where it got to, but I think that's where I threw it as I drove by on my escape run."

When I said that, her eyes got bigger and she took my hands in hers and said to me, "Damn, when she hears that it will kill her. For two years all she dreamed about was getting a ring from you." She then added, "I didn't know you had got a ring already. We knew it was definitely coming sometime. Just not right then. Let me tell you, Jack and I would have been proud to have you as a son in law, I can only hope the two of you can eventually settle this, one way or the other.

I took a deep breath and let it out and said, "I don't know if that's possible, but after all this time you would think I could carry on with my life. I still miss her very much you know." After saying that I could hardly speak and had to whisper, "You know occasionally... If I concentrate enough... I can still faintly feel her with the "magic." It makes me feel depressed all the time realizing she feels as hurt as I do. I hate to admit it but I miss her so much... I loved being in her arms or even holding her hand. But what I miss most about not being with Allison is just talking to her about everything."

That brought a tear to her eye that matched the ones in mine and she got up and came around the table, sat beside me and hugged me again. Then she said as she dabbed at the tear escaping from her eye, "Ok, enough of this glum talk. I think you two should meet and talk, and the perfect place for that to happen is at our place. Easter is just a couple of weeks away, Could you find it in your heart to stop by for our regular family feast. Your mom, dad and brother will be there along with my sister and her husband, and Jack's brother."

"Will Allison be there?" I tentatively asked.

"Of course she'll be there; After all she is my daughter. I did tell her I was going to invite you if I got the chance and she wants to be there to see you, even if the thought of facing you scares her to death."

"I don't know if I could handle seeing her."

"It's only dinner, and Jack and I miss you being around. We would like to have you around every now and then, just to talk to, or play cards with you like we used to do. Those years when you were around, you kind of grew on us and you weaseled your way into being a part of our family. Why do you think we called you son for the last year you were around! Suddenly you were gone without a word on how you were, or where you were. It really left a hole in our lives. So just come if you can. Jack and I want you there and there will be a place set for you at the table."

She paused for a bit then intently said, "Allison and you have to get together some time to talk and put an end to things one way or the other. Jack and I have the same opinion your parents have about this. Easter might be the best time to get a start on that. We will put you both at opposite ends of the table so you don't have to talk to each other about the serious stuff. If you do want to talk about that, you can still do that too. That way if things start to get out of hand between the two of you there will be lots of family to act as referees. But for a start just sit in the same room with each other and get used to the idea that the other one is alive."

She paused, and then said, "Look, like I told Allison, if things get to strained she can go to her old bedroom. As for you, if it gets too hard to handle, you can just leave. We won't hold it against you." She looked around uneasily as if she wanted to be anywhere but there, then she stood up, "I've said my say, and I've got to go and give Jack some more film. Please take care. I hope to see you Easter Sunday. Come about two and supper will be about five."

I couldn't spend any more time at the wedding after having all that dumped in my lap. My head was going around and around thinking all sorts of thoughts. I finally hugged Darlene and shook Duncan's hand wishing them the best on their marriage, and left their wedding celebration.

What Nancy and I talked about was something I knew I had to think over. Mom and dad had said the same things to me on more than one occasion. I guess I didn't listen because I wasn't ready to listen. After talking to Nancy I become conscious of the fact that I had finally talked about how I felt to someone, even if it was just scratching the surface of what I wanted to say. Maybe that should have happened a long time ago.

Let me tell you for the next few weeks I spent more than a few days thinking things over.

8) Easter.

On Easter morning, I stopped off at mom and dads. For some reason my small apartment was way too confining that day.

All Easter morning mom and dad were watching me as I sat there thinking about what I should do, but thank god the two of them were not quizzing me. As they headed out for their Easter meal, still giving me questioning looks, my mother couldn't hold it in anymore and in a stern voice told me, "I think it's time you got off your ass and confronted Allison. You two have to face each other sometime, just to get things out of each of your systems. Now, get your ass in gear and meet with her so you quit feeling sorry for yourself."

Properly chastised, I sat with my thoughts and made a last minute decision. Well maybe not last minute. I had been doing nothing but seriously thinking about nothing else for the last two weeks.

The big question I had was, do I want her to be in my life, and how do I do that? Or should I just try to forget about her? I was pretty sure I did want her in my life, whether as a friend or more, and I also had to find out if she wanted me in her life. I was sure I still loved her even with what she did to me. I had been so happy with her. I had to have her back in my life. So I had to figure out what to do right now, hoping with all my heart, she felt like I did.

It took a while to make a final decision and also give myself a mental kick in the ass to get moving, but I got cleaned up and headed out. I was going to be late, but so be it.

I don't know how it happened but I found myself sitting in my car, on the driveway at Sarah's house. I was two doors over from my final destination. She saw me through the window and came out. I was lost in thought, thinking about if this was going to be a good idea or not.

OK, I admit it; I was scared shitless and working up the nerve to see Allison.

Sarah opened the car door, told me to get out and gave me a hug. I got the expected "Nice to see you etc, etc." and she asked why I was there. When I said I wanted to park in her parent's driveway so my car wouldn't get boxed in at Allison's parents' place she immediately understood the implication of that statement. She then told me that she and Allison had made up, and they were friends again. She then wished me good luck as she told me to quit dawdling, and gave me a push towards Allison's parents' place. She called after me, "She wants you back in her life you know."

Jeez, another thing to think about, and just how did Sarah know I was hoping to get Allison back in my life. I then went through the neighbours' back yard to my destination.

I steeled myself as I opened the kitchen door quietly and stepped in. There was nobody in the dim kitchen and I could hear laughing and joking in the dinning room. They were already eating. I guess I was later than I thought I was going to be. I took off my coat and hung it up on the hook beside the door and stood there a minute or two taking deep breaths. I looked across the kitchen into the dining room through the connecting archway. I could see Allison with her back to me as she sat at the table. Her shoulders were slumped and her head down and looked like she was feeling despondent and had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Just the sight of her had me trembling and made me realize that those words I planned on saying to her just wouldn't work that day. They would have to linger for another time. I become conscious of the fact I had missed her so much I had to get her back in my life no matter what. Seeing her, even if it was just from behind confirmed that for me. So having figured that out I knew what I had to do. With a lot of apprehension about how things could go, I took a deep breath to steel my nerves, then took a few steps forward but stopped just short of the archway of the dining room. From that position I was still in the shadows and no one in the dining room could see me yet. I stood there trying to steady my rushing thoughts before taking those last steps.