Marriage in Flames

"Unreasonable?" I took a very deep breath and held it while I counted to twenty. Letting it out slowly, I closed my eyes and then opened them to see him standing there staring at me. I badly wanted to go after him, use my fists and my nails against him. I wanted him to hurt like I did, to feel the same earth shattering, overwhelming pain that I felt. "You son of a bitch. You kicked me and my children out of my home. You've taken that..." I stopped and took a deep breath again. "You tell me what you want, Colin, and I'll see if I can possibly live with that."

"I'd like to take the children for the weekend, this weekend."

"Take them where?"

"I'm staying in the trailer, they'd be out there with me."

"And Laurie? Where is Laurie staying?"

"She's at her dad's."

"I don't want her around my children. If you are taking the girls with you, she won't be there, at all. If I find out that she's there, I will go to court and have a restraining order filed against her, even if I have to trump up some charges. And trust me, Colin, as pissed off as I am right now, you definitely don't want me any madder."

"But Laurie is..."

"I don't give a shit what Laurie is. I said no, she walked out on her own children, she doesn't get the chance to hurt mine."

I could see Colin getting pissed off. And the best thing in the world, I didn't care. I was going to be adamant about this.

He had no choice, he agreed.

For a couple of weeks things settled down a little. The girls spent a wonderful weekend enjoying their father's undivided attention. He brought them back home and I couldn't believe the amount of relief I felt when I saw him pull into the driveway with them. For some reason, I'd thought he'd take off with them, he'd leave me standing here never knowing where my children were. I was never so happy to be proven wrong.

Colin started coming to the house sometimes to visit the kids. He would come in and spend a couple of hours with them, playing everything from Barbie dolls to board games. He read them books and made sure that they knew he loved them. I could never fault him for his actions towards his kids. He did love them.

Christmas morning, he showed up at five am, bringing in so many presents that it was almost impossible to walk in the living room. We sat and talked, almost as if nothing had happened. Almost. There was still that knowledge, that blaring road sign that said Danger. I knew better than to trust him. I knew better than to believe him. I had found out so much information on his cheating, his string of women that had lasted all the years that I had known him. It was betrayal in its purest form.

He stayed and watched the kids open presents. After an hour, I saw him keep glancing at his watch. I knew he was leaving. And I knew he was leaving to go to her. He got up and kissed the kids and then I walked him out the door. It was one of those beautiful Christmas mornings. The sun was shining on the snow, turning it brilliant with thousands of tiny little diamond sparkles. The sky was so blue it almost hurt to look at it. And the air was so cold, it stung. I walked him to his truck.

"I've been thinking a lot, Kelly."

I shivered a little but refused to let him see it. I was holding my breath, waiting to see what he would say. Was this when he was going t ask for a divorce?

"I love you. I have since the first time I set eyes on you. I don't seem to be able to forget you."

Those words made my heart glow, foolish heart.

"And," I urged gently as he stared at my hands which he now held.

"I think that we should have a trial period. I mean, I love you, but I love Laurie too. I just don't know which one of you will be better for me."

"What do you mean, better for you?"

"Which one of you will make me the most happy." He dropped my hand and put his palms on my shoulders, stroking his hands slowly down my arms. "I need to know if you or Laurie will make me most happy. I'd like to take a trial period. Say six months where I spend one weekend with you and one with Laurie. At the end of that time, I'll make my decision."

"And if I don't want to play your game?" I asked quietly.

"Then I guess you don't love me like she does. She's already said okay."

My mind was spinning. Did I want to play weekend wife and deal with everything alone the rest of the time? But did I want to lose him? There was so much to think about. The kids, the time I'd invested already in our relationship, the fact that divorce was a messy and dirty business.

Before I knew what I was doing, I heard someone say in my voice, "yes, I guess I could try that."

My first weekend with him was amazing. We took the kids out to an indoor amusement park, and then out to dinner, spending all day Saturday together. He spent the night that night, the first time we'd been together since we'd split up.

The sex was amazing, hot and erotic. We hadn't had a marathon session like this in years. Afterwards, he held me against him, kissing my forehead and thanked me for making him so happy.

I fixed him his favorite breakfast Sunday morning and we argued over the crossword puzzle in the newspaper. He watched a movie with the girls and then around two pm, he said he had to leave. My weekend with him was over. I walked him to his truck again, got a huge hug and a kiss on my forehead and he left.

During the week, I'd heard that he was staying with Laurie. Did it make me mad, yes. Did I feel I was being taken advantage of and lied to, yes. That weekend was hers, and also her time to have her children. When they came home Sunday, I was at John's house, talking to him. The boys were full of everything Uncle Colin had taken them to do. And I saw the jealousy and hurt in my girls' faces as the boys bragged and showed off the toys they had gotten. I made quick excuses to John who seemed to understand and took my girls home.

"Mom, how come they get to spend time with our dad when we don't get to?" Cassie was always direct and to the point.

How do you explain separation to a child?

"You'll get to see him next weekend, baby." It was all I knew to say.

I stood this, knowing that Colin was spending time with Laurie most nights. That he spent time with her boys and her more than he did his own children. I tried to convince myself that it was for the best, that the more time he spent with her, the more he'd realize what a complete loon she was.

I managed to keep smiling, starting a job as a baby sitter for John while he worked. It wasn't a great job but I could bring my own kids and it was close to home. And the money was necessary.

But it was hard listening to the kids talk about Uncle Colin and my girls talk about Aunt Laurie, even though I knew they weren't seeing her. It was hard to think that, while I was doing as I said I would, he was spending his time with her.

I managed two more weekends before I finally snapped. This night, the night when he should have been at my home, seeing his children, his wife, he was with her. I could still hear his voice over the phone.

"I'm sorry, babe. It's one of my headaches, really bad."

"Oh, okay. The kids are going to be disappointed." I was disappointed.

"I'll be there tomorrow."

His voice suddenly got muffled as if he covered up the phone with his hand. I heard the hiss of a whisper but not the actual words and then I heard very low, very quiet, the sound of HER voice. She giggled. I heard her giggle.

"I've got to go, babe. My stomach is really getting upset. I'll call you in the morning." And then the line went dead.

Something snapped. It wasn't overt, I managed not to scream or throw things. I took care of the kids and smiled, telling them there daddy was sick but that he loved them and would see them tomorrow. And for a treat, I took them up to the corner store and let them pick out a package of candy each. The road to the corner store also happened to go by my in-laws place. And as we went by, I saw his truck and her car.

It was almost as if there was a scale that was in my head, one side said innocent, the other guilt. The innocent side was as far up in the air as it could be with nothing on the little gold tray. I began to wonder if he thought I was stupid. I mean, we'd been together for years and maybe, because he'd done it before, he thought I wouldn't realize he was lying to me. Did he believe me that gullible?

Bath time came and Katie took hers first. I allowed her time to play in the warm bubbles, listening as she sang, in her little off-key voice, a selection of Barney songs. When she was clean and snuggled into pajamas, I started the shower for Cassie, a new treat that made her feel so grown up. When they were finally in bed, story finished, kisses given, I went downstairs to wait for them to fall asleep.

Now here I was, standing here, staring at these cans of gasoline I had pulled from the shed. Three cans poured onto the bales of straw they had shoved next to the trailer to keep the pipes from freezing should send that thing up pretty nicely.

In my mind, I pictured the flames and felt retribution. It was a just ending for a man who'd taken a woman who'd been abused and physically traumatized and built her up to take another fall. My self esteem was in tatters, my pride completely beaten. I felt what little self-worth I'd gained get flushed down the tubes. My mind was in slow play, seeing myself as the stupid wife who allowed herself to be lied to and led for years. Every lie standing out in our past as I could see the difference in his behavior from when he'd had someone else and when he didn't.

The little excuses he'd used, the trysts made and kept when he was at work as a cop. The times he sent me down state to see my parents, the girls with me while he set it up to get wake up calls from his girlfriends.

And the recent lies. I felt like a babysitter, not a wife or a girlfriend when he was with me and the girls. I took care of the kids, I even made it easier for him to have them. He didn't have to worry about getting up in the middle of the night or feeding them. I'd gotten to the point of cooking dinner for all of us every Saturday he was here. I actually saved that man money.

I was being used.

The smell of gasoline was strong in the air, and the sound of it splashing against the hay seemed almost impossibly loud to me. I kept waiting for one of the dogs to bark, or a light to turn on inside the trailer, but there was nothing. The empty cans went back into the trunk of my car. I would get rid of them later.

I grabbed my lighter off the dash, and warmed it in my hand as I walked toward the trailer where that bastard and his husband stealing slut slept. It was a little windy, and with the first flick the lighter flared for just an instant and then blew out. I cupped my hand around it, moving it closer to the hay and out of the way of the wind. It flared and caught, burning steadily, and then, with a sudden whoosh, the gasoline ignited and the hay burst into flames.

I ran back from the trailer, watching with almost disbelieving eyes as the fire spread so quickly, circling the top of the hay with almost astonishing speed. It licked greedily at the sides of the trailer, turning the metal black and curling the edges of the plastic trim.

Suddenly I couldn't watch anymore, I had to get out of there. I ran to where I'd left my car, throwing my lighter into the passenger seat. I turned the ignition and took off, leaving the headlights off on my car until I was almost to the end of the road.

I took the long way home, stopping only once at a thick swamp. I punched holes in the sides of the gas cans and dumped them into the mire, hoping they would sink. My stomach was roiling and I felt physically sick from what I had done. But most of all, a sense of relief had come over me.

Why would I feel relieved? Because his hold was gone, and with his death he no longer could control me. I would no longer feel the humiliation of needing him so much in my life that I was willing to do whatever I could to keep him. I would be able to feel again someday and know that I didn't have to worry about him calling me, or stopping over and trying once more to pull me in, to make me his puppet.

I pulled into my driveway with the headlights off, hearing the fire engines fly down the main road just a half mile from my home. Standing on the front porch, I could see the glow of orange flames in the distance. It was a beautiful sight. I walked into the house and threw the clothes I was wearing, along with some of the kids' clothes, into the washer, letting it run with an extra soak cycle. I'd been careful but I didn't know if I'd gotten any gas on me or not.

I stepped into the shower, letting it run hot across my back and my shoulders. It felt wonderful, the water soft and silky. I grabbed my favorite bath gel and used it, enjoying the smell of the vanilla bubbles.

After getting out and drying off, I slipped into my big bathrobe and went upstairs to bed. I checked on my girls, seeing their sweet faces rosy with sleep. Tucking them in once more, I gave them each a soft kiss on the forehead. Maybe what I had done had taken away their father, but what he was doing to me was worse. He'd taken me and made me into a shell, a needy, wimpy shell of what I once was.

Sleep actually came quickly and I woke early, a knocking at the front door rousing me. It was John. He was full of the news.

"Somebody torched their trailer, Kelly. Colin and Laurie were inside. They made it out okay." He grinned and I knew he was enjoying himself. "They were both naked and barefoot."

"Oh, God. They're okay though?" Inside, I was laughing.

"Yeah, but the trailer is gone, along with everything in there."

"That's too bad. I think Colin had all his stuff in there, clothes, his guns. I bet that was quite the fire when those went off."

I got up when I heard the kids come downstairs. Grabbing a Coke for myself in the kitchen and one for John, I fixed them bowls of cereal and put them at the table to eat.

When I sat down again, John suddenly got a serious look on his face.

"You know, Kelly, I could have sworn I heard your car start up last night, right around midnight."

"My car?" I was a picture of confused innocence. "Couldn't have been, John. I took a shower and went to bed before then. Probably close to ten thirty."

"I was wondering about it though, so I got up a few minutes later and looked out the bathroom window."

A feeling of dread went through me. I'd covered as many tracks as I could think of, but I never expected John to check up on me. I might have been quivering inside, but I kept up the calm mien.

"And you saw it sitting out there didn't you?" I made a small production of leaning over to glance out the living room window to check on my car.

"Yeah." He grinned and I felt relief sweep through me. "It was out there. As a matter of fact, I couldn't go right back to sleep. I was up for a while last night and every time I looked out the window, it was there."

I leaned forward and took his hand in mine, squeezing it lightly in silent thanks. We talked some more and then he left. I could see his new girlfriend, Colin's cousin Sue, standing in the doorway. She waved when she saw me in the window and I waved back. It was nice to have friends like these.

A few hours later, Colin called, his voice sounding funny. He told me that he couldn't take the kids because of the fire but he would like to talk to me later. I think he was amazed by the upbeat tone in my voice, even as I expressed sorrow over the loss of his possessions and gratitude that he wasn't hurt. I told him he could take the girls when he wanted, just to let me know.

Later that afternoon, I happened to glance out the window and saw a police car sitting in John's driveway. I had known this was coming and tried to prepare myself for their questions as I had no doubt they would be over to see me next.

I was right.

"Mrs. Kelly Ritter?" the plainclothes detective asked, flashing his badge at me.

"Yes?" My hand went to my throat to play with my gold chain.

"I need to speak to you, Mrs. Ritter. May I come in?"

"Oh," I stepped aside, holding the door opened so he could enter, "Forgive me. It's not often I have the cops at my door."

Just then Cami caught sight of the detective and she came in growling, the hair standing up on her neck. I caught her easily and made her sit next to me when I sat on the couch. The detective, who had identified himself as Jack Clark, a special detective on the arson squad, settled himself gingerly on the love seat, eyeing Cami nervously.

"I'm sorry, she's just not all that fond of men," I apologized, grinning on the inside. This might make it easier, if he's paying more attention to the dog then to me. "I've got a hold of her officer."

"Detective," he corrected automatically. "Have you heard about the fire at your in-laws' property last night?"

"Oh, yes. My husband called me this morning and told me about it. I'm just grateful that he called last night and begged off taking the girls. My daughters sleep in that trailer on his weekends with him. It was so lucky he didn't take them."

I could see his mind processing that fact and I hoped it was having the proper effect. He pulled out a notebook and flipped it open to a clean sheet while he started writing.

"How often does he call and cancel like that, Mrs. Ritter?"

"You know," I sat forward slightly, and Cami sat up, looking at me and then looking back at the strange man in her house. "I don't think he's ever done this before. I was very surprised myself. I mean, he loves those girls so much."

"And where were you last night?" He looked up, his eyes intent upon me.

I stealthily nudged Cami and she growled low in her throat, staring at the detective. His eyes went to her as I shushed her. "Hush, Cami. I was here all night Detective. My children were home and I stayed home with them."

He managed to drag his eyes away from Cami and looked back at me. "You didn't leave?"

"I couldn't, my kids were home."

He stood and Cami growled again. I grabbed her collar as I stood and watched as he walked to the door. "Okay, Mrs. Ritter. I'm going to leave my card with you in case you can think of any reason why anyone would want to burn your husband's trailer. Just call the number at the top and they can find me."

"My husband's trailer?" I asked, confused. "No sir, that belongs to my in-laws. They bought it when we moved down here."

"No, Mrs. Ritter. Your husband took over the payments on the trailer last month. You didn't know this?"

"My husband and I are separated, sir. But I'm confused. He doesn't have a job right now; he can't even pay child support. How did he get the trailer in his name?"

He didn't answer me, but he did look thoughtful. He closed the door quietly behind himself and I let Cami loose, watching with her from the window as he walked across the yard separating the two houses and got into his car.

About a week later, John was once more at my door. He smiled widely and I knew something was up.

I invited him in. "Okay, who died and left you a fortune?"

"Well, he's not dead. They arrested Colin today."

I was shocked. I was flabbergasted. "For what?"

"Insurance fraud and arson. They say they have proof that he torched the trailer himself."

"But he was inside of it? Why would he torch it when he was inside?"

John shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe to make himself look more credible. I mean, who's going to set something on fire and then go inside of it. Anything could have gone wrong. But he's always been that way, thinking he was smarter and could outthink anyone."

"Oh my," I tried not to smile. All I could think of was that he was out of our lives, and that he would be put away for a couple of years at least. "What'll I tell the girls?"