Mercenary

I continued to usher Noelle towards the dance floor. She followed but it was more a matter of me pulling her than having her acceptance. We bored deep into the crowd. I pulled her to my arms as we began the dance. She was still looking away from me trying to locate Baldwin.

"That asshole", she spat as my arms came around her waist.

"It's over. Please don't let him spoil the evening for you", I whispered in her ear. With that said her body relaxed as she turned to look at me. She was still angry but her expression softened somewhat when she saw my smile.

"Besides, I already knew he was an asshole." And with that comment she laughed and hugged me tightly.

The song was a slow ballad and since this was the first time I had ever touched her I was taking full advantage. When the hug was over we were a respectable distance from one another with her breasts barely touching my chest. We both seemed to want closer contact so as we danced our bodies gradually came together.

One of my hands held hers. My other caressed her back and slowly settled on the top of her butt. I moved my cheek to hers and was rewarded with an audible sigh as her hand left mine and both her arms went up to encircle my neck. My conservative boss and friend was making a very public statement with this embrace.

Sometimes my naiveté about women surprises me. I had no idea she might have feelings for me as a man. But while my intellect was absorbing the news my body was adapting to the situation. I was growing harder by the second and she was slowly grinding herself into me. I could feel her heart racing and knew that mine was too.

This was not a dance between friends. I had never moved this way with any woman. In this one encounter I learned the pure joy of dancing with someone you love. Yes, I thought of the word love and Noelle in the same context. Every ounce of my being was focused on her. I was conscious of her every breath, of every place on my body where contact was made with hers: where her breasts met my chest, how our thighs rubbed together, how her back felt under my hands.

Her perfume filled my nostrils as I became full of her. I knew the aroma would forever be identified as her scent. I became intoxicated with this woman. My arms were holding her tighter, almost desperate. I knew it would be difficult to let go.

I felt the softness of her face as I tenderly muzzled my own into hers. The song seemed to slow down. It felt like we had been dancing for hours. I wanted to hold her even tighter. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to know the tender side of her nature. I wanted to own that tenderness. I wanted to know only this feeling with her and her alone.

Suddenly I recognized that I was standing a little straighter, my arms were a little stronger and from somewhere deep inside I knew. I knew that whatever happened with my wife or with my job or anything of importance in my life that she would be there for me. I knew that when I visualized my future she was there. She was my future.

I moved my hand from her lower back slowly up to her neck. I began stroking the small hairs at the base of her skull. She turned her head to face me. I saw in her eyes a question, and yet, it was all that I had hoped to see. Then I kissed her.

It started as a gentle peck until I felt her tongue snake into my mouth. We were lip locked. Even though I wanted her more than life itself, I knew we couldn't abandon all propriety here. I reluctantly broke the kiss and pulled her tighter to me. She understood as I felt her warm breathe tickle my ear.

Eventually the song ended. We slowly peeled off from one another and I led her back to our table. I wanted to place my arm possessively around her chair but thought better of it. She took the initiative and placed her hand on my knee. My own came over hers and squeezed gently.

There are moments in life when you think that all is right with the world, when the planets align and you see every bend and straightaway of the road ahead. A moment when all risk ceases to matter. A moment when you know you are at the EXACT right place at the EXACT right time, when you are in the zone. For me, this was that moment.

Chapter 10: Lovers and other strangers

Noelle and I were inseparable for the remainder of the evening. Whether at the table, on the dance floor or walking through the crowd of guests, we were constantly touching. These expressions of affection probably said more to everyone who saw us than our oral display on the dance floor.

Our parents found us late in the evening. Muriel was very much taken with my Dad. It was evident in the looks she gave him while they said their goodbyes. By now many of our colleagues had left and the ballroom lights were back to full brightness. Not a word had passed between Noelle and me after Dad and Muriel arrived. They chatted incessantly while we sat smiling politely. Thirty minutes later as the staff started to remove the chairs we bid our final embrace and left in the same paring as we had arrived.

Sleep came uneasily that night. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind I knew all along that I was attracted to this woman, and that it was much more than physical. That attraction was wrapped in a thought I dared not think. Before last night it hardly seemed possible that she might view me as more than her friend. With this realization came the resolve that a path had to be made clear for us.

I let my thoughts drift to all the reasons NOT to pursue a relationship with Noelle: I was still married, my divorce would be an unnecessary distraction, she was my boss, and she was older than me (though by only four years). I also evaluated whether she was merely a rebound lover, a response to Paige's rejection f our marriage.

These were all serious concerns. I ticked them off one by one and disposed of each as easily. They didn't matter. She was my best friend and our actions of one night had moved that friendship into a romantic context. I finally realized that we had been at the precipice of a romance for some time. In my heart I knew there was no way I COULD NOT pursue her.

Yet I couldn't help but think that our timing was bad. I wanted to begin our relationship with the least amount of baggage. It would be better to wait until my marriage was over. However, the door was open NOW. There was no guarantee that it would remain open until the last legal issue was settled between Paige and I. That's when I came to my decision.

That morning I made breakfast alone as Dad had left a note saying he was going shopping with Muriel. I couldn't contain my laughter. This was funny for two reasons: the old man was not one to leave notes about his comings and goings and he detested shopping. I couldn't imagine him shoving his way through a horde of last minute bargain hunters. He'd never done that before. I couldn't wait to tell Tommy. .

His absence was good in a way though, it gave me the necessary solitude to formulate a plan. After breakfast I connected to our online systems and filled out the forms requesting a transfer. The idea of starting over in a new office scared me a little but my relationship with Noelle was more than worth that small sacrifice.

I asked for a move to Cherry Hill, NJ. It was less than 20 miles away and would provide the necessary cover for us. I was friendly with several of the Reps there and was sure that they would put in a good word for me with the branch manager. I also knew they were in need of another salesman, having recently lost one to competition.

With my feelings for Noelle what they were, our working closely together was no longer an option. We had made our attraction for one another rather public. There would be repercussions, more for her than I since she was my superior. With me gone, she had a chance of containing the gossip.

I had a moment ago put on my coat preparing to leave the house when the doorbell rang. I rushed to it on the slim hope that it might be her. My mood changed when I found my soon-to-be ex-wife on the landing.

Standing guard at the entrance I tried not to show my disappointment. I quickly surveyed the street behind her. Seeing that she was alone I made my exit. "Excuse me, I'm on the way out" I said, while locking the door.

"Peter we have to talk."

I looked at her again. There she stood in an open coat, dressed like a model comfortable being seen on the front of Elle magazine. She had an anxious expression and was nervously biting her lower lip. I could tell she was distraught. If only I cared. Unfortunately for her I didn't, not in the way she wanted. So it must have stunned her when I walked around her and down the steps to the sidewalk.

"Peter!"

"What?" By this time, we were a few paces apart. I stopped to let her catch up. "Why are you here? If there are things you want to talk about then tell your attorney. We should not be speaking directly. Don't you get it?"

"No, I don't. You don't understand." She shifted on her feet her head bowed momentarily. "Please, give me a chance to explain. You owe me that much."

"Owe you? You've got this turned around babe. I don't owe you squat." That was useless bravado on my part. I took a deep breath as I realized I did need to hear from her. There were missing pieces to the puzzle that defined her behavior of late; certain omissions were grating on me. I quickly added, "I've got a few minutes, talk!"

"Not here on the street. Can't we go back into the house and have a conversation like human beings?"

Starting to walk again I added, "No, as I said, I have only a few minutes so don't waste my time."

Paige walked over to a nearby stoop and sat down. "You're not going to make this easy are you? I guess I deserve that. I am sorry Peter. I made a mistake, a stupid mistake. We had an arrangement. I ended it. I wanted to tell you but I figured if you didn't know." A single tear came streaming down her cheek. "I don't want to lose you. I don't want this divorce."

What a completely illogical position. A month ago I would have lit into Paige with every ounce of anger I could muster. Today that anger was all but gone. I did have a small residue of feelings for her, but what I felt certainly wasn't love, not by any stretch of the imagination.

I decided to let tell her side. Noelle's words about listening with an 'open heart' rang in my ears. We did have seven years together. She remained my wife, albeit for the moment; I DID owe her the courtesy of listening this one last time, even if it was only curiosity about her intent that drove me.

I took a seat next to her on the stoop, a gesture that brought a small smile. I then began to speak so calmly that it must have unsettled her, as she grew fidgety in response. My expectations for her confession were extremely low to begin with, so anything she said would be met with skepticism.

"You didn't lose me, you brushed me aside. I doubt I was ever considered me in any of your decisions. Did you know that I hired a private investigator? I couldn't rely on you to tell the truth. So talk, but understand that I know most of your story already.

I stopped at that point and looked away from her. I wanted to hear if she would continue to lie to me knowing the stakes. I knew all about her activities with Lindenhall. I had the pictures and I also had her on tape making plans with Dana to trap him. Would she come clean about this? It wouldn't save our marriage but perhaps she might retain some dignity in the telling.

"I figured as much. You know I didn't set out to hurt you."

"You didn't set out to hurt me? You had sex with him in our bed Paige. You showcased him in front of our neighbors. That was pretty callous from where I stand. Then you had to bring your lover to my job to meet me. I've got ask, why did you bring him? If that wasn't a gesture meant to humiliate then please tell me what it was?

"It wasn't what you think. I wanted to see you alone. When I told Richard it was over and that I was going to see you he demanded to come with me. He had his family at stake too, so I reluctantly agreed."

"Well he certainly told me how concerned he was about his family. If you had broken it off then why were you still talking with him? And what is this 'arrangement' that you and he had?"

"Why do you care about that? It's over. It should never have happened. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't. I thought I could make it up to you without you finding out. In that I admit to being selfish." She paused staring at me for a few seconds then placed her hand on my arm. Her voice was lower now. "You have always been there for me. I can't imagine my life without you. I'll do anything to get you back." She got these words out as if she were choking back tears.

In the tapes of her conversations my impression was that Paige was the dominant one in their relationship. The only other player of significance was Dana and it was evident that she was in turn encouraging or guiding Paige in all of this. I was curious about how this happened, but I chose to let my wife do the talking.

I looked outwards towards the parked cars and street. "How do we begin again Paige? You won't speak on this arrangement. Will you at least tell me why you did it?"

I turned to look at her. In response she closed her eyes again and took a deep breath before she began her answer. "It was the pressure, the fear of failing. I know that sounds trite but you can't imagine how scared I was during my first week of classes. Do you remember how I was when I saw you each night? I wouldn't talk. I barely ate. I'm sure I woke you up on more than one occasion with my restlessness; I couldn't even sleep without interruption. That's what you saw. When I was on campus my anxiety was a hundred times worse. I knew you were concerned and you tried to get me to open up but I was too scared."

"I had hoped that the orientation would ease the transition. But there was so much they left out, and because it was August there weren't many people on campus who could help me. The administrators were on vacation and most of students there were kids. I couldn't ask them. I was getting more and more frustrated."

"Anyway, towards the end of that week I was in the bookstore looking for two of the software programs that were requirements for my Risk Management class. I was nervous, wondering how I was ever going to learn Statistics AND master the software. You know I'm dense when it comes to computers."

"I would have helped you."

"I know you would have, but it was more than that, and you weren't there. I had just found the software and was reading the packaging. Panic was beginning to set in. That's when Richard appeared. At first I was annoyed to be interrupted knowing that he was trying to hit on me. Then he mentioned we were in the same class and that he had worked with the software before."

"We got to talking. He made a big joke about the whole process. It seemed like he could read my mind. Everything that was worrying me: the books, the professors, our advisors, our labs; he made jokes about all of it. He had an inside track on everything. He knew most of the professors from being with his firm. A number of them had been consultants.

The next thing I knew we were having lunch and I started to look at him more closely. He projected an image of complete confidence. He was so self-assured, and a bit cocky, but he could back it up. In a way I envied him."

"After that day we started sitting together in all of our classes. That was my decision although I know he welcomed me being there. He made me feel at ease, that I belonged. Eventually I came to acquire the same level of confidence from being around him. When questions arose about the material or the process he intercepted them before I even voiced my fears. It was uncanny. In a very short while I came to rely on him to help me negotiate the workload. So when the first study group was formed it seemed natural that we joined together."

"By the end of our second week we were with one another for 12 hours a day, sometimes longer. It got so that when I reached campus in the morning I sought him out. We would have coffee and then conduct our day together. It became my routine."

"So it didn't seem odd when about a month later I followed him to his apartment. I guess in a way I wanted him to make a move on me. It was all very flattering. He was trying his best to hide it, but I knew his intentions."

She stopped for a moment and sat staring at me, seeking to gauge my mood before continuing. Telling me that she wanted Lindenhall was not going to be easy. I decided to play it cool and not say anything at that point.

I returned the stare impassively so she continued. "In a way he had already seduced me, so I came with him willingly." She sighed before going on. "Anyway, we had sex at his apartment. It was a mistake."

She was looking at me now in earnest, probing my reaction.

"It sounds so easy Paige. A led to B, B led to C and D naturally followed, neat and tidy. Now you say it's a mistake. Yet you committed that same mistake over and over again."

"You quickly latched on to this guy. I can understand that. You are expected to network and adapt, so making friends with your classmates is a given. But what I don't get is how you go from a friendship to having sex with him. So what if he's helpful. That qualifies him for a piece of ass on a continuing basis?"

I heard her shift slightly after I made that last statement. It was intended to sting and it did. However, I didn't want her to shut down, not just yet anyway. So after a rather long pause I added: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I'm just having problems making sense of this. Shit Paige, why him? Why did you turn to him in the first place? I'm your husband. We spent over two years preparing you for this, and then you go and turn to him when I'm the one who has always been there for you. Why didn't you come to me? Wasn't I good enough?"

"It's complicated. I don't understand it all myself."

"That's bullshit and you know it. Why didn't you come to me Paige? Why?"

She refused to look at me but lowered her head and spoke towards the sidewalk. Her voice was strained.

"I didn't think you would understand." She finally contributed.

"Wouldn't understand? Who knew you better? Who invested the time in researching and preparing you for the transition? Who scrimped and saved to get you that opportunity? What the hell couldn't I understand? You say you don't want to lose me and then you shut me out when I pose the one question that I have every right to ask."

"So much for wanting me back" I spat out.

Paige bit her lower lip, donned a frown and then reluctantly added, "OK I'll tell you. Richard had a better handle on the situation. We simply had more in common."

"Peter I love you, but you're not particularly ambitious. You've been on that job for over five years and still you haven't made a move to go into management. I prodded and waited all that time, hoping you would see the light and move up. You're smart. Certainly you're smarter than Rob, yet he is a junior partner in his firm. Next year he'll be making well into six figures while you'll still hawking computers for peanuts. I wanted you to succeed. But it's not in your personality. You're happy where you are. I'm not. I want to be a major player one day and this is my first step along that path. How could I take my problem to you?"

"My degree will get me in doors you haven't even dreamed about. When I looked at Richard I knew he was like me. He wanted more too. He wanted to be someone who made the rules not followed them, and he wanted the money that came with it."

"As I discovered more about him and his family I understood that he was accustomed to the life I wanted. His family holds the keys to some of those doors I want to go through. So it made sense to me then to confide in him. But it got out of hand. He wanted to take your place."