All Comments on 'Misplaced Jealousy'

<p>I enjoyed your story but you really have to watch the POV changes. If you're going to change POV, put in a sidebar or something to let your readers know. 75 for the POV foopah; otherwise 100.</p>

...somebody please explain to Slirpuff how point of view works?! The frustrating thing is that Slirpuff is a good writer overall, but basic boneheaded grammar mistakes, especially POV problems, ruin or almost ruin many of his stories. I counted three different people who were "I" in this story, and there was no telling from one paragraph to the next if the POV would change. Why, why, why doesn't Slirpuff get an editor or two to fix these very easy to fix problems?! I don't understand.

What could have been a very good story was really marred by all of the confusion cause by the unidentified "I", "her" and "she". There should be a rule in this author's stories that they must use the speaker's name in each paragraph or not be allowed to use one of those pronouns. It made the switch in lovers at the end seem just aggravating after all of the previous misuses. What a shame.

Your changes in the view of the character made me crazy, but i like your story.You´re improving tale by tale.

Tammy was 47, he was what, 10 years older?I think the two of them should stay together.

Your story was good up until you changed POV's. There are several POV's to use, 1st person - as seen through someones eyes, you absolutely can not change views in this pov. 3rd person, a narrator or observers' perspective. We can not know what a character is thinking, only that which relates to the five senses. Finally we have 3rd person omniscient, we see all, know all, and hear all. Decide on a perspective do not change it.

When you do shift pov's you must provide clues wihtin the text to clearly identify who the character is. Instead of using pronouns, I, he, she, etc. use the characters name.

I really liked it. I didn't have a problem with the POV changes. Mainly because I write that way. Sometime you want to convey information that the principle character would not know. The Lit system often will not allow the section breaks if you paste the story into the submission box. If you divide the sections with with five or ten asterisks I find it works. This alerts the reader to a change in POV or timeframe. Don't use the automatic section break in Word if that is what you are using.

There were three different people using first person on the second page of the story. A story should have one point of view. It dragged in the middle. He had a slight concusion and was in a coma for days? He must have spent years in the hospital, or so it seemed. Then your attempt at a surprise ending was really just a rushed ending. Your efforts are getting better, but your "editor" should be horse whipped!

Who cares about punctuation or POV. It's a good story in it's genre and that's what we should appreciate it for, otherwise read something else. Not to say it may be confusing from time to time, but one can expect the readers to be mature or smart enough to overlook this kind of minor problem.

OK, there was the POV thing, but once I cottoned on it didn't spoil the story for me. (Maybe work on that Slirpuf though --- as someone else said, simply breaking up the paragraphs each time you change with a line of dashes or something is an easy way to do it.)

Anyway ---- Great story, and a nice little twist at the end.

<p>I don't know why readers complained so much about POV. All you need is to get <b>adapt<b/> with what is written<p/><p> I liked the story. And it was one of your best<p/>

First, I noted that you did get an editor and it has helped. You may want to try another one to help you with the POV issue. Lots of writers put in a line between paragraphs before a POV change to let us poor readers know to expect it. I suspect that Debby was a twist you wanted to spring on us at the end. Although Tammy was too young, I found the twist a little irritating because there was precious little beforehand to indicate any desire that way beyond mild flirting. I do not even recall your giving her an age close to him. I also thought that your summary about Ann was off. No where in the story did I get the feeling that she wanted back in due to a comfort level issue. Your having her read his journals led me to believe that she rediscovered her love for him. Thanks, you are improving and have a creative way of writing that I like. -Ttom

not a big one. I've read books that had different point of view and it made for a great story. However, your transitions from one point of view to another weren't clear. In the future, please find a better way to transition.

I liked the plot - interesting and occasionally erotic - and thank goodness we had a non-wimpy husband. Character development was excellent.<p>However, SP you need an editor - a good editor could help you write more clearly. OK to change POV but need to put in a header when you switch that lets the reader know. You seemed to mix up the ladies' names at the end - Connie, Tammy, Debby - I couldn't tell who was on first. Good plot though.

Okay, I know it's chic to say bad writing is no bid deal, because this isn't English class, or we should ignore the mistakes because no one's perfect.<p>To those of you who hold that position, I say pthbbbb!<p>This author is one of the worst at shifting POV, incorrect word usage, awkward construction, and generally shitty writing.<p>Cars don't have "breaks," they have "brakes." People between the ages of 20 and 29 are in their "twenties," not "twenty's."<p>And then there's the ever-present "your" instead of "you're."<p>This writer has been told, many times, there are editors who can actually smooth out some of this shit, and the idiot won't take advantage. He's a sub-par writer who takes decent ideas and craters them with lousy writing. He should be ashamed.<p>So should all of you who defend him, especially the moron who said "That's how I write as well."<p>Slirppy, please quit writing. You're an embarrassment.

When you mentioned you had an editor, I thought this one would be smooth sailing. That was not the case. After I read the other readers' comments, I found it was not just me. <p> The POV problem really made this a struggle to understand. If the reader must re-read something to get a basic understanding of it, the author is either play a trick that didn't work, or just needs some help putting words on paper. <p> Then there were all the misplaced and missing quote marks, missing words, wrong words (check the difference of "to" and "too") and at least one case where you used one woman's name instead of another's. Attention to details is what separates a so-so writer from the better ones. <p> When publishing a story for others to read, it should be presented in a finished form so the readers can enjoy it and not have to stumble through it. I kept reading it, hoping it would get better. It did not.

I am always amazed at the comments from those named ANONYMOUS. They appear to be arm chair critics yet I never see stories, good or bad, written by them. Fortunately technology allows everyone to click their mouse and move on without negative comments if they don't like the story. Regardless of those who continuously complain, Slirpuff's writing are acceptable and at least he is making the attempt to satisfy the needs of the readers on this site. Perhaps those negative ANONYMOUS individuals could do us all a favor and move on without their continual caustic comments.

I agree with some of the comments that constantly switching the point of view created slight stutters in the pacing, and I think this would have been easily avoided by merely putting ***** between the paragraphs where the POV changed. This is a minor stylistic issue, though, and does nothing to overcome a story that was realistic, believable, sad, happy, had character development, and had an ending that was both logical and still a surprise. Keep up the good work!

But last night I read a book that had a lot of spelling errors. It also had a lot of POV changes and yes speech marks were missed off. This is a book that at the last count has sold 20 million copies. I am guessing that many of the copies of this book have the same mistakes. This is also a book that has been through a publishing house and full-time editors and probably many proof readers before it was published. I have quite a few such books. I am sure if other people looked in their favourite book they would find similar mistakes. So Slirpuff isn't perfect at writing, but he does write one HELL of story. I am yet to read any of his stories that would make me NOT read his stories again. As a fellow so-called writer I can only say keep writing Slirpuff. Yes perhaps ask for more help from editors on this site. To those commentators that don't have stories and never will, try writing a story, just a short story, about whatever they want. I would hope they would find it just as difficult to write a perfect story as the rest of us so-called writers. Well done Slirpuff another great story. Keep them coming.

<p>Slirpuff,</p>

<p>Are you really intentionally doing that with the PoV? I mean I like your story premises. I can reasonably identify with them, but I have to say when you start off the story with Steve, put him in a coma, have him come out of the coma and talk to the nurse, <i><b>THEN</b></i> have the story immediately pickup Tammy starting to talk in the story in the place of an unconscious Steve, from her view point, <i><b>THEN</b></i> have Tammy threaten to kick Ann's butt, only to have <i><b>Ann</b></i> pick up the story from her point of view as she goes to Steve's home, has me completely lost who's doing what when and where!</p>

<p>I had to keep reading entire sections over to try to understand <i>WHO</i> was talking. Why do you keep doing that?</p>

<p>I mean even in the TV show "Quantum Leap" where Sam was always changing bodies and people you had an idea of who was

what and what was going on. But you don't give the reader any idea of when your going to do this. As such I get lost easily in your stories</p>

<p>There is nothing like reading along and identifying with a character to only realize your no longer reading about <i>one</i> character but now a completely different one. AND now just as you change gears to try to understand <i>THAT</i> character the author has skipped off to yet a third one, you start to find yourself skipping around in an attempt to get the general gist of the story because you have no idea anymore who's telling it</p>

<p>If you're doing it on purpose please stop. It's not really a calling card an author wants to be known by, as it really irritates the readers.</p>

<p>If your <i><b>not</b></i> doing it on purpose you will need an editor who can catch this for you</p>

<p>But even though I have you bookmarked I think I may have to rethink that.</p>

<p>No one can consistently tell so <i>many</i> stories the same way using this same style of hopping all over the place on accident. No one. I could see one, two or even say ten stories. But you have <i><b>thirty one stories</b></i> on this site and most of them are in this style! I'm starting to honestly believe you like this style of story telling and believe the majority of us do as well.</p>

-Risq

<p>Grammar doesn't bother me. Spelling doesn't bother me. Punctuation doesn't' bother me.</p>

<p>Trust me when I say, I've written enough that I can always expect to see an email about the correct way I should have had my stories edited. Everyone has a preference on that.</p>

<p><i>But</i> I have yet to be told that a reader was lost because I changed PoV and they didn't know who was talking when.</p>

<p>I also agree that a simple +++++ or ***** or even ##### to break up who talking would improve your story almost 100 fold.</p>

-Risq

<p>I received this "feedback for" Of course by Anonymous person -- calling me names & he(It has be a male) asked me how to <b>ADAPT<b/> with the change of POV? Well, that person is a real WIMP in a true sense. Have the guts to send feedback with your email address.<p/><p>Slirpuff is a good writer his stories are good, plots are interesting & he's <i>Improving<i/> I agree that change in POV is bit trouble, but then you know this author makes that mistake, but still you read it <b>WHY?<b/><p/><p>If you find it too hard -- don't read & raise your blood pressure. Next time make sure to leave your email address<p/>

The story itself was good and flowed fairly well. After reading the comments of some below I really wonder what is going on. I could easily read and follow the story. They couldn't? Yes I did see the misspellings and a few grammatical mistakes but did that keep me from understanding the story and enjoying it, no. Lit is not a professional site, it is for amateurs to write and attempt to write stories. If you dont like spelling mistakes and POV shifts and such stay away from such writers as dear old Shakespeare. Although I disagree with Debbie being the winner not Tammy the story was good. His family was basically a bunch of losers. Ann was no longer his wife I am surprised based on the other happenings that she was not arrested for breaking and entering the house. The person that destroyed this marriage was not him, it was purely Ann. Looking at it from afar one can see signs of mental illness regarding her lack of interest in sex and her attitudes towards her husband. I agree with Tammy reading them the riot act in the hospital was not just appropriate but in some ways to little to late. And for the one that chose twenties over twentys I find it interesting that person decided they were judge, jury, and executioner. Would you show me in Webster's Unabridged that particular usage please.

Good story line but the writing sucks. I wish you would learn how to set up your point of view changes. Do you understand what people mean when they comment on POV?

The story line is fine, even interesting enough that I actually read all of it.

Normally when a piece begins to jump all around like this I give up and move on to another story.

Slipping from one first person singular to another without explanation makes it extremely tough to follow. The result is a pretty good story that this critic actually liked, to one that comes comes out instead average.

It's an easy mistake to make, one I concede some guilt in with my own works.

So I hope you take this well intentioned criticism to heart, another run or two through the typewriter could perhaps get this piece one of those red "H's". I have read some of your other works, you can do better.

Thanks,

MGM

It seems to me that the characters and the plot were interesting enough to more then compensate for every so often have to back a few lines to discover who is doing what to whom.. I will read you, but the like the commentator below know that the excellent is the enemy of the good... Perhaps a couple years from now you will come back and rewrite all these initial stories.. Thanks for spending your time writing.

...the writing is lacking... But I am going to give a 100% because... I have a feeling this story line may be more truth than fiction... Yes a tough read in spots... I hope the author will address the basis of the story and maybe clean up some of the writing.... Thanks

Your best. I'm usually a fan of reconciliation, and I was afraid you were heading that way, so thank goodness you didn't. Ann was a real piece of work. She didn't want sex with Steve because of her "problems", but she was quick to hop into another bed after her angry leaving. I also thought Tammy was the best choice, but Debby was still a better alternative to bitchy Ann. Good new approach to the usual "loving wife" category. Thanks. Paul

Love the story and the comments... You are starting to push JPB in some of the comments made Give em Hell and keep writing and I will keep reading... Ther are some of us that read for fun and I can't or won't write myself, so keep them comming you are doing GOOD. Mike from Texas

Handling point of view (POV) is important to great story flow... I didn't rate down the first few times but when an author ignore constructive critism, then I will rate accordingly.

Yes I occasionally had problems following but I also remember your first stories posted and What A Difference.

Your a creative writer and as you continue to improve Ive no doubt that one day you will be first rate. Good work.

Who are these "I"s??? The perspective changes so radically and without warning it gets really irritating! The story started as Steve told the story, then he mentioned how Tammy found out about his accident and suddenly without a pause Tammy started telling the story; and again Ann started telling the story. Man, your storyline is way better than your storytelling. Get help of an editor here, it will become much better.

Grammar, punctuation, and spelling are important because they help the reader follow and understand and should be used properly to do that. For example, you have made this error in other stories: quite is an intesifier, meaning "very" and quiet means silent or low on noise. Too many other examples to list here. Another reader mentioned POV. I suggest you stick to the omniscient third person: he, she, it, and they are etc. You switch all over the place and give no legitimate signal for the change. Sometimes your plotting is very spotty. You will mix narrative and dialogue real well and then suddenly switch to narrative only that skims events that might better be made plain in interaction of the actions. Do not just describe the events from a far in time, let us live them. Lastly, the stories that had an editor have been better than when you do not use them. I think you are an apprentice writer who needs the practice and the advice: get it. You have potential.

How bad was the original draft? Capshroud2000, you may be a bigger illiterate moron than Slirpuff.

I'm glad he didn't wimp out at the end. Enough said about all of the other things. Kept my interest through out the story. Thanks

<p>At it's core, this is a very good story, and I was thoroughly enjoying your storytelling up until the first change of voice. </p>

<p>I continued to read, hoping that that one mistake would not be repeated. Then it came again, then again, and yet I continued reading. At some point I stopped reading a started to write this comment.</p>

<p>How can you manage to write such a wonderful story and <b>fuck it up</b> by screwing with the point of view? <b>Haven't you or your editor ever heard of chapters</b>? Yes, you can use chapters to change the POV and alter the flow.</p>

<p>Your talent is being wasted because you seem forever stuck on not understanding that you cannot merely change the speaker without alerting the reader. It's a simple rule. Even the most inept writers on this site can follow it. Please learn it.</p>

<p>P.S. My apology for using such strong language. But it pains me because <b>you are such a good storyteller</b></p>.

I thought the facile slipping from one point of view to the next helped us get a more overall perspective of what was going on from each of the characters, and there were a lot these and well drawn too. I liked the writing but I wasn't so keen on the spoon fed sentiment and emotion. Just a bit too pat...Mancelt.

I normally don't speak to grammar or unnotified changes in the person writing. I also read all of your work no matter what the category as you are one of my favorite authors. Unfortunately this story suffers from these problems enough to make what is a very good story a hard read.

Why do y'all cut this guy so much slack? He ignores all conventions concerning point of view. He has some great storylines but quit enabling him.

You tell a great story. I enjoyed the complexity and realistic responses of everyone involved. Still, the complaints of others about the shifting point of view (with no sign that it's coming) and grammar errors are valid. I won't vote another "5" for one of your stories unless it's much cleaner, language-wise. Good story, but you need an editor.

I can handle multiple points of view if the transitions are clear, yours aren't. In places, I couldn't be sure if a phrase was being spoken aloud or only thought. These techniques are difficult in the hands of an experienced writer; I suggest you first learn to clearly communicate your story before you try anything more complex. You have the basics for a good story here, but you make the reader work way too hard to get at it. Thanks for sharing with us and keep writing, it's the only way you'll get better.

The shifts in pov were jerky. IMHO, The scores will go up if those get handled better. The shifts in "who is with whom" near the end of the story wasn't well crafted. It felt like it was done just so the story wouldn't flow seamlessly.

for the comments that followed were for either a good story, a good story badly "told" or you illiterate bastard, GET AN EDITOR! Okay, I go with a good story well told. POV my ass, I read it with no problems, AT ALL.I guess that means I need an editor to read the next story to me. Fat fucking chance. My only point of view is mine.I enjoyed the ending, for the simple fact that Steve did NOT give away the choice he made to take a chance on making a new start with Debby. He did say why though. A little different than the LV stories that have been coming out lately. Keep up the good stories. The reason I said it was a good title? Appears to me jealousy is in the comments also, not many stories from anonymous here, at the LIT.Also, it appears that some of the complainers could become editors, keep 'em busy , ya think!

This was one of those stories where every element came together in just the right doses to create a very uplifting yarn. Soldier on Slirpuff !

I am so glad he didn't take his wife back, she sure as hell did not appreciate him. You had me worried right up to the end and as usual you ended it completely out of rithym.

Very good!!! Thank you!

I thought for sure he would wind up with Tammy, but in truth his nurse was the best choice of all. I'm just thankful he never got back with his crazy assed, cheating bitch of a wife. Thanks for really good story.

I am interested in all of the comments that make Ann the bitch of the world and the husband Mr. Wonderful. Is this the same story that started with your hero persuading three good looking women to flirt with him to make his wife jealous so that she would be hot to have sex with him ten times a day. To summarize Mr. Wonderful started the whole romantic three start riot that boomeranged on him. Now suddenly Ann is the villain and he is Mr. Wonderful Strange turn of events . Especially .coming from a fine author like this

the Ct. Yankee

Not sure how I missed this one before. Thanks!

POV was a bit confusing but not that bothersome. The ending was satisfying but I wished Tammy or Steve told Ann that they slept together and truly make Ann feel ashamed for what she did...

There are some really tough times at middle-age ... Most people never really used to live beyond that age but nowadays the problem's amplified because life and death are less appreciated.

On a separate note, the ex-husband was not really wrong to get women to flirt with him but he took it a bit far with the extra-long run which made his wife too jealous that she got hit badly. Sure, she over-reacted when getting into the fight but NEITHER of the exes are at fault. He needed a way to get her back, but he couldn't think of something, and she didn't want a divorce ...

Wait, what am I saying?! She did over-react. If she didn't want a cheater, she should asked for a divorce. Then they could have reconciled if he admitted he was just trying to make her jealous! That would have happened without her getting beat up. But he was an idiot for pouring salt on her wounds by telling her the truth there and then, hahaha XD But you know, life is never perfect and everyone makes mistakes.

His son Kenny is an idiot - especially when later on he is part of the crowd telling the ex-husband that he's the idiot for not getting back with Ann. But Ann is really in love with a diary, and not with her husband. Trust me, I know - I used to write love-letters, but the girl I was chasing decided to become a stone-cold fish and I hardly saw her. As soon as I stopped writing, she started missing me ... or rather my letters! ANYWAY ... Kenny and his mother should go to hell after doing that dirty trick of blindsiding the ex-husband.

Ann really screwed it up by going off with Tom. Shit, her ex-husband had never done her wrong, he just did wrong things (and no, they're not the same things). He couldn't ever forgive her for rubbing his nose in it, because that's despicable! He had never cheated on her so her actions slammed the door on that intimate part of their lives. I think he found out who were really his friends after the divorce. His son Jimmy, Tammy, Debbie/Debby and Connie.

I can't believe Ann read his journal, as that was a violation of his privacy, and if he had read her diary while they were married she would have been pissed off for days, at least - so what made her think she had the right to read, and why on earth did she have to tell him she had read it? Especially after he said he couldn't forgive her for the graphic email and rubbing his nose in it! Tammy was a bit silly to call his journals "quite good actually".

It's not a fucking piece of fiction to him; that's his life! Journals are the sort of stuff to be read by others only when the author dies! Anyway... I'm glad he didn't get back to Ann. It would be a superficial relationship at best, trust me. He would get sick of her if he wasn't already. She only wants a relationship for 3 things: from reading the journal, she knows he loves her; they had kids and a history for a few decades; and she feels guilt at divorcing a hero who saved 10 kids and a lady. Can you see anywhere in there that she loves him? Getting a divorce, fucking someone and sending an email of her fucking someone else is not showing love, in my book. I'm glad he could eventually say "it was fun while it lasted, eat shit and die my loving bitch", and then gone on to have a happy life with someone truly loving and faithful after courting a sexy nurse in hospital as a patient haha XD

Boy your writing spans many styles (for lack of a better word) I had commented before about your

Stories with death in them but was mistaken you had a death thing I appologize you are just a diversified writter

But a depressing story. I am glad that he stayed away from his family. With family like that who needs enemies. Wife (ex) sends an email that is the definition of cruel, the son has him arrested because he wanted to see his then astranged wife, even his other son turns away from him. He disappears for several weeks but do they care...no they don't even realize that he is missing. That is the definition of 'disfunctional family'. Best to cut all ties with them, because they are not wortheven the words Tammy used to get rid of them in the hospital.

Why or how is it that guys like this are totally in love with moody women who take them for granted. Then she throws a fit when he admits to trying to get her jealous - she should have been flattered - dummy was just totally in love with her and just wanted to be lovey with her but NO - she storms out, it's all about her!

He'll never forget her, the woman he fell in love with and married and Fortunately - he will never forget the hurt, the anguish, the horror, the betrayal and the sex she gave to someone else - Not Him!!!

I was hurt years ago, I still hurt with the memories but I never want to see her or hear her voice again.

Good read, an Epilogue telling how she ends up - Kenny - Fuck him, No Respect...must have learned from his Mother the slut/whore!

You have some of the best story lines on this site but ruin most of them with rushed, stupid endings. This ending left just about every story line unresolved.

His nurse at the hospital. Both times he went in, he and she flirted. Apparently the second time she did more than flirt and he seems to have responded well to her advances.

... and did I say I did not like her very much ... oh and I meant to also add ... Cheating Slut, Bitch, Slag, Adulterous Bitch, Slimy ... you fill in the "blanks" .....

The ending was confusing.

I agree with all of the general criticisms of the author's "usual reverse story line in the last ten seconds approach to his stories. However, in addition to the numerous typos, this story consistently changes from third party to first party at the drop of the hat. First, Steve was saying "I". Then some paragraphs the narrator was Tammy and later Ann. Can't you get a good editor??

I really enjoyed the twists and turns BUT the narrator shifts with no clutch hurt - grind me another pound please LOL

Seriously some editing for content, context, and continuity would make really nice stories great -

Let' see, boy meets girl, boy screws girl, girl gets pregnant (either before or after marriage), boy and girl drift apart, girl becomes slut wife. The names (sometimes, Steve Moore seems to be a favorite), occupations, locales and a few of the details change but doesn't the basic theme of all these Slirpuff stories (especially the newer ones) remain the same. At least, we had some kind of definite ending, sort of. - lonewolf3307

From a writing perspective, you switched first person profile too many times without any seperation: from the guy to Tammy to Ann etc.

I would suggest a row of *** when you do that.

As other readers have noted, there are real POV problems. Switching without any indication is confusing. There are also many grammar and word misuses. I'm sorry, but you need more editors.

What a waste of my time so I stopped reading on page 3 and rated it 1*.

How sweet..she fucks around and he gets screwed. Crappy ending by a pathetic author. He thinks he's "cute" but in reality he is a sorry piece of garbage to demean a man so easily.

it was a good story and it got even better when he ended up with Deb in stead of his fucked up ex or even Tammy and Connie was as fucked up as his wife. I agree with one thing you guys love make the man look like a piece of shit.

Good idea for a plot at least in the beginning, but not very skillfully done. Errors in grammar added to the confusion of POVs. 3*

Even better writing!!!

typicle wife - no dont touch me - why arn't you touching me. she will end up alone without a man - very few 50+ women find true love and happiness - and the sex picture was a good one - well written - women are just like that. 5 stars

Thanks for your wisdom and invaluable insight Dr Freud. Nostradamus has nothing on you Mr Fortune Teller. Your inability to spell 'typical' leaves no doubt your input on the story is limited to mundane inanities and not substantive composition.

Thats not true of course. The Problem isn't the Kids. The Problem is that in modern times spoiled women think they dont need to do their job anymore. But they expect you to do yours. Yes you heard me right: Its a mans job to care for his family, but its a womans job to keep her man satisfied. Sadly laws in modern times only enforce the one side and now women think once they have what they want (kids) they dont have to do their fucking JOB anymore.

So in this story. To put up with the bullshit women feed you and just expect that it gets better all by itself eventually is plain stupid - it never works. NEVER!

I really thought the reaction you gave Ann when she found out about his game playing to make her jealous was way over the top. I could understand her being really pissed for a few days, particularly since she was smarting over humiliating herself at the gym. However, to carry that forward by initiating a divorce and sending him a photo of her in bed with another man was just beyond belief.

It does not compute that she was ready to throw away a long marriage to someone she cared about (she would not have been jealous otherwise) over such a relatively insignificant thing. I guess it was necessary to move the story on in the direction you wanted, but it would have been better to find a more believable reason.

The reaction of their children was not too believable either. Of course we do not know what when on in those households, but one would think they would have been trying to get their mother to chill a bit. Instead they seemed to just take her side that their father had done something horrible.

However, I enjoyed the story and thanks for writing.

In my opinion the weakest character in the story was Ann, first of all to blame her near total loss of libido on menopause without any tests to back that claim up is just too convenient for the author. Then we are supposed to believe thaat Ann would see a divorce from her long term married husband because she found he was trying to make her jealous is really quite a stretch and even very ludicrrous. Lastly, Ann sends her now exhusband an email with graphic pictures of her fucking some guy named Tom that her exhusband knows I thought she was the one who just months earlier had virtually no libido whatsoever, this is a not well thought out plot twist.

At least there was no reconciliation.

Needs editing. Otherwise enjoyable.

Liked it. Sorry he didn't get w/ Tammy, but glad he didn't go for Ann - though I wish she'd gotten a little payback since it sounded like she started dating b/f they'd even gotten divorced.

Fuck Ann, she just your typical "my ass is made out of gold slut". You're empty nesters and she doesn't what sex unless she in the mood. And that was every couple of months. Fuck her, then the family, well I wouldn't call them family at all. If I were him, I could only hope his wife put him threw the same crap. Wish he would have ended up with Tammy but glad he and Deb moved on without all the assholes.

Ann was a very nasty and stupid woman. Sorry if I offend any lady-reader out there, but she really was; and sadly reminds me of my mother... she walked out on my dad when he was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago. That, far more than the cancer, killed my dad completely, and he just gave up. Just too much for a guy to handle.

Onto death do us apart, the Minister speaks at the services of blessing... For some that should be "onto something better comes a long". *snorts* God dam cunts, the lot of them, thinking their crotch is covered in gold and silver.

and they couldn't really talk to each other? Ann dropped the ball and in the end she earned her divorce for her complacency and stupidity. Enjoy your retirement with someone who really cares about you.

I was getting confused when you changed narrators without indicating who was speaking, or thinking for that matter. I was able to get thought it until the sex scene at the end. Who's pussy was he eating? I was sure it was Tammy. I guess it was Debbie. A bit confusing.

However, I still rated it high because of the excellent storyline and excellent writing (except for what I noted above). I am glad he didn't take Ann back. She screwed up. Wouldn't fuck her husband but ran out to fuck everybody else. She gets what she deserves. Only thing better would have been an epilogue with her pining away in depression for Steve.

Figured that Tammy was the one. He sure wasn't very clever was he? I wonder if he ever repaired his relationships with his ex-wife or his kids? I'm thinking not!

I am LIVING this one right now

Another piece of shit cunt who isnow just a cum bucket for a few strangers who don't mind plowing her cunt but would never marry her. And the kids are garbage too.

First person to third person to first person but a different person, twice. A mess.

It don't matter much whether you hear it in the bar, around the campfire, or driving down the road. Grammar ain't got a fucking thing to do with a good story as long as it makes sense. Now with that said, let's all go out and lynch our old English teachers.

I was sadden that the wife, now ex wife chose to have an affair, yes she was angry and with good cause, but to walk out? Her affair broke the rules, yes his attempts at making her jealous too broke rules, but did the jealous making attempts break a vow, any single vow? NO, her adultery did. Sadly, the couple could not communicate, obviously they were middle aged close to retirement and his desire to keep is love flame burning if by acting like a love struck teenager around his own wife at home helped, she should have sat down and talked. I had hoped, the ending brought them back together. Sadly it did not. I hoped the author would write a sequel even if it was a one chapter, bringing the couple back together and remarrying, a silly mistake should not cost the marriage of a life time.

Cantbuymy seems to be a well adjusted rational person.

With comments like that he must really be a favorite amongst the ladies.

as for the story, good read

Anon. Cantbuymy has always been one of my favorite authors. Not sure what his issue is as of late. He is ex military, maybe PTSS. His comments and his stories keep getting more bazaar and angrier as time goes on, to the point it seems to be effecting his creativity. These extremes are getting to where his stories' believability index has taken a nosedive and are not as enjoyable to read as his older stories. Some of his recent comments on other authors stories are a bit like Calle in Pinkvile.... But still gotta love the guy (metaphorically speaking).

HDK's stories are always fairly balanced so you don't know for sure where it is going and delightful to read with an occasional twist at the end. Good to see he is still writing.

Great tale. Poor guy suffered enough. I'm a little sad he didn't hook up with Tammy but he found love with his nurse. As for the ex-wife? She's just a stupid bitch who screwed herself because of misplaced jealousy. Appropriately named.

Five Stars

Not a bad story. Try to do something about using the first person for all your characters. When you switched character it sometimes took a couple of paragraphs for the change to become clear. Confusing. While its annoying at times, maybe a heading change to announce the change in first person narrator.

your as dumb as a box of rocks.

and bitches about like a little fag he is. Gave it a 5!!!

Steve's comment about not getting sex from Ann was more truth than joke. She should have realized it and did something about rather than her reaction

It's amazing the self rightous indignantion some can espouse. It's almost like the more they're part of or cause of the problem, the more venom in their bite.

no one deserves illness of any sort even Ann's change of life, but it seems it was all about her with no consideration of any sort to Steve. Good riddance to bad rubbish

It would have been nicer if he had ended up with the loving Tammy. What does a few years in age difference matter? Debbie was only a peripheral character, and as such, I had no investment in her. She just came out of left field at the end, just for the sake of an un-needed twist.

As for Ann? How come she had no sex drive with her husband? She seemed to have no such problems a few days after she left him! She was suddenly able to have sex with a whole host of guys then. Lending the thought that she was cheating on him all along, leaving her with no energy when she got home to hubby.

Hi Mr Steve Moore,

well sorry to say either your editor isn't very good or you've been playing with it after he's finished it, ie layed ???? laid...... all ready???? already. Nope sorry man, your writing skills aren't improving any.

This story was good in places but generally didn't come across as well as your better pieces. 3 ***

I was scared shitless he'd taken Ann/cunt back at the end though! No one deserves how she treated him. But a little constructive criticism and I see you've been taken to task for misspelled words but I couldn't resist this one.

"and I don't expect you to be beholding to me for the rest of your life"

Beholding? How about beholden?

Now with the menopause. My wife and I have went through it and as mentioned in the story, it is truly awful, for both spouses. My poor wife with her massive sweats which could break out at any time, I was once looking at her as we talked and within just a few seconds sweat popped out and started to run down her face. In only seconds. I can't imagine how awful it was.

Then mood swings. This was a tough one, a real tough one. I don't manage arguments well and this was a hard one to get over. Estrogen made all the difference.

Now the worst for ME. Dry and thinned pussy. One, lots of lube, even tonguing doesn't get it done all the time. What hurt me wasn't the dryness which can be taken care of. It was how her vaginal walls thinned and caused her so very much pain which took all the enjoyment out of it for me. There was no way I could go from this young hot vivacious woman who loved sex and sharing herself to hurting her badly with each stroke. I'm fairly large, 7.5" long, but also 7" in circumference. So it hurt her so badly she screwed her eyes closed and bit her lip to keep from crying. That was no good for me.

So now we spend a lot of time with masturbation. She masturbates for me, it still feels good to her, but she isn't interested in doing it very often. But she will masturbate me and also doesn't mind if I sit next to her, read internet porn and jerk myself off. She knows my sex drive is high and she wants me to be happy. Obviously it isn't as good as when we were young, but sex is good and our love is stronger than ever.

really enjoyed it.

Glad he found happiness, I like happy endings.

His ex wife was cruel and so overboard in what she did. Cheating on him then sending him the picture.

His kids, he should never speka to again, thats betrayal with a capital B.

I can see supposrting mom, but with what she did to dad? At worst they should have not taken sides.

All women can be cruel, much more so then men in my experience.

What krosis666 said is about the same as I was wondering.

She won't have sex with him, but shortly later has sex with someone else.

Makes me wonder if she was cheating before and cut him off for her lover.

Didn't like the ending. No investment for the reader in Debby. We don't know anything about Debby, her looks, her motives, her history. All we know is that she's a nurse, and gives him sponge baths. Didn't really think it was Ann at the end, knew it was Debby. Tammy's 47, how old was he, in his 50's? That's not enough difference to make a difference, and she'd invested so much in him, and him in her.

The woman that helped him out at every turn. The woman that took his side against his family. His running buddy. The woman that "would have been heaven to stay with". You made a much better case for him going with Tammy then Debbie. Just because she was younger wasn't a good enough reason not to. And although I read the section twice it wasn't clear until the last part of the story that Ann had actually gone through with the divorce. Why did he get to stay in the house and keep a ll the furniture? Why didn't he use the pictures she sent him in the divorce to get a better settlement? I bet if he threatened to tell all her friends and family what she had done and then SHOWED them the picture he would have gotten a higher percentage of the marital assets. This was just a mediocre story. Too many holes in the storyline and I really didn't feel any real emotion in the dialogue. Thanks for the effort.

but she was there for him above and beyond everyone else. Debbie was nice, but she was there because it was her job. She enjoyed messing around with him and nurses do develop protective feelings for "all" of their patients.

He was stupid to try to get a rise out of his wife. He got one, but not what he had wanted for sure. At least he found the reason for his wife's withdrawal from the marriage intimacy, she didn't respect him or care about his feelings at all. I understand about hormones, we all have them until we lose them, but attitude goes a long way towards making it a palatable situation. I also understand about menopause and would never make light of its problems, but millions upon millions of women go through that without doing what she did. Now, that said, I think he was a whiny little bitch, all the begging and pleading. I think maybe that might have contributed to some of his problems. Nobody likes a whiner.

When my own wife entered menopause, it was everything written about in this story. It was hell for her, it was hell for me. I had no idea it would get that bad. Mood swings were the worst, one moment laughing the next minute crying and then anger or even rage. I felt sorry for her when all the sudden her face would turn red and sweat would literally start running down her face and neck, seconds later her body would be drenched in sweat. Sex? Nope, her vaginal walls thinned so much, it was too painful. And her pain took away all of my enjoyment.

She refused to do what the Doc said and take a hormone replacer. Instead, she tried every herb available and nothing helped. During all that time, raging at me. First I want too much sex, (we're not young anymore, buddy) and then when I get used to not having any, she would rage that I wasn't asking her for it so I must be getting it somewhere else. She threatened me also with cutting my cock off if she caught me messing around. Life was really brutal.

Finally one evening, she went bug nuts on me again. I tried to grope her tits like I'd done for the past 27 years (we were both only 47) and she freaked out. I can't list all the things she said but one usually cancelled out the next. And lastly, she accused me of cheating, before packing her shit and heading out the door. I found out after a couple days she was living with a coworker, my girls were horrified I'd kicked their mother out. I tried to explain but I guess phycho Sid got to them first and they really raked me over the coals.

I was done. Living in Dallas, I was ready for something different. My job had a retirement program and I was eligible, had been for 2 years. I went in the next day and quit. More than that, I told them to hold my retirement and I'd put in for it when I was ready, I didn't have to at that moment. I tried over the next few days to contact my wife and my daughter, none would talk to me. So I loaded up my old 1974 Ford 4x4 with everything I wanted to take, put everything else I didn't want her to have in storage and drove away. I headed North.

It took only a month before I found where I wanted to be. A little town called Darby, in the shadow of the Bitterroot Mountains in Western Montana. I'm very fit so it was a great place to live, all the hunting, fishing and hiking I could stand. I found a tiny little cabin to rent, hell, it didn't even have electricity, but it only cost me $100 per month. I took all my money in cash and had plenty to live the next few years if I were frugal. In the short term I found a job at a little sawmill and found out what hard work was all about. I did get paid $100 per day, but there was only about 10 days work for me each month. The guys were great though!

I didn't attempt to contact anyone. Not my wife, who I considered my ex wife, nor my kids or employer. My retirement wasn't going to go anywhere, I'd taken my ex off of everything, but did leave a power of attorney so she could sell the house. I had an old shipmate who lived in Tampa Florida who I sent a letter to every so often and they would forward it to my girls, not saying much other than I'm alive, I didn't want anyone trying to declare me dead and take everything I'd worked for. All my buddy had to do was open the manila envelope, take out the already stamped envelope and put it in the mail. No one would think I was anywhere but Tampa.

Until about a year ago, I had forgotten about my old life. Even my retirement. I'd saved all the money I made, it took me nothing to live and bought the little cabin I was in. Just an acre, I had enough room for a couple horses, some chickens and a few turkeys and rabbits, I spent little money to actually live. My time was spent either working or be off hiking. Then one afternoon I was riding my bicycle the 4 miles home and when I rode up to my place, I saw a rig parked there. That was odd, no one ever came to see me, except for my coworkers and that seldom. It was my youngest daughter.

She stepped out of her car when I rode up and tried to hug me. Remember, this was one of the cunts who cut me off from their life. So I stopped her by holding my hand up, saying stop right there. She had a hurt look on her face and it took a while before we could become father-daughter again. In catching me up, when I bought the little house, that put me on the radar and she was able to find where I was. Her older sister was angrier than ever at me, feeling like I left her, even though I felt as though she ran me off. Her mother? She had started taking drugs and soon afterward, started feeling more like herself and had recently moved in with a boyfriend she started shagging once she felt better.

So there you go, I get fucked over, everyone else gets fucked.