Monster!

******

About five years later, I had been working about four years at the warehouse of Ikea and on a Friday evening, I stood at the distribution counter. It was crowded and I was handing products to the people when I looked into a pair of familiar eyes.

She had changed: more grown up and pretty...it was Rose.

Her breath halted, she wanted to say something, her receipt floated, without purpose, in her hand in the air. My soul filled itself with hate, anger and darkness. The injustice she had done to me, the lie took over my soul.

As professionally as possible, I took the receipt from her hand, walked into the warehouse and searched for the lorry with her things. Halfway into the warehouse I collapsed to the ground, crying. A colleague of mine found me, she took the receipt, helped me to the pantry and gave me a glass of water. That night, I was sent home, sick. I couldn't think, I couldn't function.

Three days after the episode, I was on duty again at the distribution counter. I was nervous and felt anxious, what if she was there again? She knew where I worked and I could not afford to lose this job. What if she was going to tell her lies here? The fear and humiliation I had felt five years ago was back...

The doubts I had when in custody, the hatred, the disbelief she had done something like that to me pressing heavily on my soul.

The day went by without troubles, Rose did not show up and, relieved, I left my work at eight o'clock in the evening. In the darkness, I walked toward the bicycle storage where I had stored my bike. The dry click of the lock opening in the cool evening air was my signal I had some time for myself again. I was about to lift my bike from its bracket when I felt a hand on my shoulder and soft voice sounded behind me.

"Sven?"

It was Rose. I turned around and looked at her, silently. She was crying and looked at me through her tears.

"Sven, would you please talk to me? I beg you."

I shook my head and pushed her aside. I was almost back to my bike when she grasped my arm.

"Sven, I am so very sorry, I would like to talk with you so much...I regret everything I have done so much..."

Again I turned around and looked at her, violently angry.

"YOU are sorry? Oh, really? Regret? You know what Rose, I don't give a pissing shit about what you feel! You have destroyed my life, you have destroyed me and you have destroyed everything!" I shouted at her, barely able to constrain myself so as not to attack her.

"I know Sven, I know I have and I am so very, very sorry. I know what I have done and I have regretted it every day. I can't live with myself after what I did to you. Please, give me a chance to make things right, please Sven," she cried

I laughed at her, scornfully.

"Make things right? Oh, I get it, you want to give me back my girl and my father? Oh, no, you want to give me back my house? Or my job? Or maybe my destroyed career? Well Rose, now that you mention it, I know how you can make it up to me"

Rose looked at me hopefully

"What is it? What can I do to make it good again?"

Full of smoldering hate, I looked at her, I pulled my bike from its bracket and pushed her out of my way. She fell between the bikes and slumped to the floor, she sobbed silently.

"Just die, Rose. Please, die," I spat at the little human heap sobbing on the floor of the storage.

I jumped on my bike and rode away from the sounds of Rose's grief, her passionate crying and calling my name.

Oddly enough, after all of those years I had been fantasizing about my glorious moment of revenge, I felt like shit. I had fantasized about hurting her, I had my chance but only hurt her mentally. I did not feel the relief I had expected. I felt pity for her and hated myself for being such an asshole. How could I have hurt the little girl who was still Rose? I could not sleep well that night...what if I had forgiven her? What if I had been such a man, big enough to embrace her? Suddenly, I realized I had made a mistake by acting the way I had. An irreversible mistake.

I did not see Rose again. I looked, hopefully, between the masses of people by the counter while working and after work for the first few months. I had hoped she would be in the bicycle storage but she was never there. I had gotten what I wished for.

******

Shivering, I exited the bus, the rain was pouring down in buckets. I pulled my jacket close to my body and walked, as fast as I could, to my apartment. When I got home, I quickly changed clothes and packed my rented suit to return it the next day. I threw a meal in my microwave, waited for the ping, the sign my food was ready, sat on my old couch, ate my meal and watched some TV.

My mind was at the strange meeting at the banking agency. What had they asked all together? How fast could one be rejected? One of the persons behind the desk was probably a psychologist who had analyzed me and quickly came to the conclusion I was not what they were looking for.

Frustrated, I shook my head and surfed through the channels. I went to bed early that night because the next day I would have an early shift and I had planned to return my suit before work.

My shift was boring and often I sat playing with my phone and drinking coffee. The dry click of my lock was my signal the day was over and without any thoughts I rode home.

I saw, and recognized, a luxurious envelope on my doormat after opening my front door. I picked it up and threw it on the table while I heated a meal in my microwave and got myself some coffee. It was kind of nice of them to send me an official rejection letter, I thought to myself, opening it while sipping from my coffee.

Without reading the words, my eyes scouted the letter then I read it again, word for word, I was not rejected? They hired me? Just like that?

I read it again...there had to be an error or was it a joke from one of my colleagues?

I knew these procedures, it goes in rounds and I didn't survive the introduction round. I pushed the letter aside and ate my meal while my mind raced. I did not watch TV that evening, instead, my eyes kept scanning the letter, those few sentences and the date I was expected for my introduction day.

******

A week later, on a Monday, before eight o'clock in the morning, I again found myself in the big office I had been in more than a week ago. I had bought a suit, purchased from my savings, and made myself as presentable as possible. I wondered how long I could keep up with the young, fast and furious...I had no recent knowledge nor a network of successful people. Despite all of my hesitations, I did want to give myself this chance, I would try as hard as I could to make something from this error.

I was led into an office to meet my mentor...a nice, friendly man in his thirties. He explained some things about the office and the agency and, after the introduction, took me to the company college, an internal university for training and education, where I would be trained for six weeks.

I had to adjust myself to my new situation and tasks but soon I found my flow and sped through the training and education without any troubles. There had been many changes in my work field during the recent years but the fundamentals were the same, such as old wine in a new bag. I looked forward to my first real working day.

To my surprise, I started in a rather high position. I managed a team of young people whose enthusiasm radiated onto everyone...they infected me with their passion and youthful idealism. I felt better than I had in years, I felt like I mattered. Maybe, because of my age and unknown past, I received respect instead of the contempt I had feared. I was in love with my job within a few weeks.

******

The first year went by as fast as the blink of an eye. I bought a new wardrobe after a few weeks and no one could guess I had been working as a warehouse clerk during my previous career...

I looked, sounded and smelled like I belonged in my new function and I knew I did. I was good at my job, our team performed far above average and my team members liked me very much. Within my second year, I was promoted, I made my first step up in my new career.

With the new job came a mandatory week of brainstorm sessions and workshops with the higher management of the agency. It would be my first contact with higher management, for those people were seldom seen in the office. It would be a week in a hotel in Rome. A large section of the hotel, rooms and conference rooms, was rented by my agency for the week. I arrived in Rome on Sunday evening and was transported to the hotel by a waiting cab. I wasn't really used to my new life and marveled myself about the hotel. It was overwhelmingly luxurious, the food was exquisite and so was the room. I slept like a baby under expensive satin sheets.

The following morning was an introduction round. I was one of sixteen colleagues and, together with the four managers of our region in Europe, we enjoyed a copious breakfast while we introduced ourselves. I sat next to a nice man, estimated to be in his mid-thirties, smooth talking but funny and genuine. I was talking to him about nothing when the four managers, three men and one woman, took their places. I looked at them casually, they were young and successful people and I continued my chit chat with my neighbor.

After a while it was time for the introduction, I was sixth in line and at my introduction I chose to focus on my present job and not my course of life. Relieved when it was over, I looked at my neighbor who was elaborately introducing himself.

When everyone had their turn, the managers introduced themselves and, for the first time, I really looked at them. The managers were young, in their early thirties. The woman was extremely pretty, a beautiful face with high cheekbones and radiant eyes. An electric feeling creeped along my spine and a cold hand grasped my throat as she introduced herself...I knew her face.

"Hello everyone, I am Rose van Buuren"

The rest of her words went past me in a blur, I looked at her, she looked at me, she did not divert her gaze as she kept looking at me during her whole story. I saw her mouth move but her words did not reach me.

Suddenly, all the pieces came together...it was Rose who gave me this job, she was the one behind the scenes who had guided my career and she had pulled all the strings. I thought back to the night in the bicycle storage when I said..."Make things right? Oh, I get it, you want to give me back my girl and my father? Oh, no, you want to give me back my house? Or my job? Or maybe my destroyed career?"...and how I had left her, crying, a small heap of misery, sobbing on the cold pavement. I looked down in shame, I felt so miserable and so small.

I wasn't worth a plug nickel that day, the sessions were scheduled and, after an hour or so, the manager leading the session asked me what was wrong. I told him I had a migraine attack and he told me to lay down and get some rest.

I was on my bed considering what to do...what should I do? Could I keep this job? Was I really cut-out for the job or was it the conscience of Rose doing my work? I was pondering when I heard a soft knock on the door. My heart skipped a beat because I knew who it was. I opened my door and looked at Rose, her face was friendly and soft.

"Hey, Sven, would you like to talk to me now? Please?" she asked with a soft voice, her eyes pointed at the floor, unsure of herself.

I swallowed and opened my door more for her. She walked in and sat at a little table in my room, more for looks than comfort it seemed. Rose looked at me.

"How are you doing, Sven?" her voice was soft and full of love

I took my place in the chair opposite of her and looked at her.

"I am doing fine, better than when we had last met."

Rose smiled a fine line and looked at her hands. I swallowed again and looked at her.

"I shouldn't have done what I did back then, I regretted it instantly... I..."

Rose interrupted me and looked at me, fiercely.

"No! You were right, what I did to you is unforgivable. I considered doing what you had asked me, to end my life, but chose the other option. That year, I started my study to get this function. I knew it could be possible to at least give you a part of your life back, of what I have taken from you. When I got my current position, I ordered to hire you and coach you and you know what? It was a good choice, you are one of the best."

Rose looked at the painting hanging on the wall opposite of her, a depiction of a battle near Rome in ancient times.

"I am not asking for forgiveness, Sven, because I know it is not possible. What I am asking you, is to give me a chance to compensate you as much as I can. After this talk, you will never have to see me again, I will support you behind the scenes."

Rose stood and wiped a tear from her cheek as she walked to the door of my room.

"Goodbye, Sven," she said softly as her hand reached for the door knob.

In one movement, I also stood, grasped her arm, turned her around and looked into her eyes.

"Rose, what if I can forgive you?"

I put my arms around her slender body and pulled her against me. Rose embraced me, sobbing, and melted against me. She cried passionately and held herself tight to my body as I caressed her shaking body.

"Oh, Sven...could you?"

I softly caressed her back and laid my head on hers.

"Yes, Rose, I can. I forgave you the evening I regretted what I had done. I wanted to tell you I had forgiven you but I did not see you again, until today. Rose, I forgive you. I hated you for what you did but I also realized it was a lie from a confused kid, a lie that grew, without your willingness, into a gigantic monster. I realized you have witnessed how your own monster devoured the things you loved and you were powerless to do anything about it. Rose, I forgive you, please be my sweet sister again. I want you back in my life."

I softly kissed her on the top of her head and caressed her back. Sobbing, she rubbed her face against my chest and inhaled my scent. We stood there for ages, old feelings of love and deep friendship took over my soul.

That night, we sat together in a small restaurant in town. Rose told me about her life, neither my father nor Marguerite forgave her for what she did but urged her to move out on the day of her eighteenth birthday.

Sobbing, she told me she had not reconciled with Marguerite before she had died of breast cancer five years ago and her, she did not have the chance to say goodbye to her. She told me our dad had committed suicide, three years ago, out of bitterness and solitude.

Rose cried as she told what had happened in all those years and I held her close to me as I also shed my tears for the loss of the ones I once loved so deeply.

Rose looked at me in tears, her monster had destroyed everything and was now consuming its last victim, Rose. I cried for what I had missed, I cried for Rose who was still suffering from her own creation, an endless downward spiral. It started with a lie, a spoken wish from a child, made alive through the spectators and expanded to all-devouring proportions. I took her hand and looked at her.

"Rose, I want to help you. Together, we can destroy this monster, together we can bury it, forever."

Sobbing, Rose took my hand and held it against her cheek.

******

Every now and then, I saw Rose during the sessions and I could see relief in her eyes but we seldom spoke. She knocked on my door again, I let her in and she sat at the table again.

"To be honest, I would rather have stayed close to you all week, Sven, but we cannot afford the gossip."

I nodded in agreement and sat opposite of her.

"I understand, Rose, it doesn't matter."

She smiled at me and handed me a plane ticket.

"For the return trip."

I looked at her, quizzically.

"I already have a return ticket," I said, not understanding what she wanted.

Rose nodded and smiled.

"I know, but not in the same plane I'll be on and I want you with me."

When we were sitting, first class, in the plane, Rose immediately laid her head against my shoulder and took my hand. She was a full grown woman now, years apart from the child I once knew but still my sweet little sister, desperate for my love.

I caressed her and held her tight to my body as we reminisced old times, things I had forgotten...how she had always looked up to me, how she felt when I met Sophie, the fears she had, the pain she had when I left home and bought my own house, with Sophie.

"I know Rose, I know," I whispered.

Rose looked up and softly kissed my cheek.

"I wanted you for myself and only for myself. In school, I had heard what grown-ups did when they really loved each other and I thought if people thought we did those things...that we...that you..." Rose almost choked on her words, sobbing, she buried her face against my chest.

"I am so sorry...so sorry," she whispered.

I took her face between my hands and looked at her.

"Rose, I understand why you did it. Deep inside, I always knew why you did it. You did not see all the consequences when you said it, everything went totally out of control and it was not only your fault"

******

I wanted to say goodbye to her at the airport and get a cab to go back to my apartment but Rose insisted she give me a ride. We walked to the parking lot and, as a gentlemen would, she held the door of her BMW open for me. When she took her place in the driver's seat, I looked at her and grinned. Rose looked back at me and smiled.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's funny, such a little girl in such a big car," I laughed looking at her tiny posture in the large seat. Rose hit my shoulder, laughing.

"Well, I do have a lot to compensate," she said smirking

Without wanting to, my eyes followed the curves of her perfect body, she really had become a beautiful woman...tiny and slender but full breasts, a slender neck and a perfect face. Her long hair in a bun, two curls on both sides of her face, youthful but at the same time stylish.

"Believe me, Rose, there is nothing you have to compensate," I said softly, admiring her as a woman. Rose looked at me sideways and smiled.

"Thank you, I guess."

Less than an hour later, she parked her car in front of my apartment, took my hand and looked in my eyes.

"Do you really think we can be friends, again?"

I nodded, slowly bent over to her and kissed her cheek.

"Rose, I would love to have you back in my life. I have missed you."

Rose broke down and, while the tears ran over her cheeks, she held herself against me.

"Oh, Sven!" she whispered.

Softly I caressed her back and held her tight to my body. I inhaled her scent and cherished her warmth.

"May I call you sometimes?" she looked at me, quizzically.

I nodded and gave her my phone.

"Please put your number in it."

When she gave it back, I sent her a message and smiled at her.

"There, now you have my private number."

I kissed her on the cheek one more time and held her tight before I left her car. As I watched her drive away, I realized I felt relieved from the heavy burden I had felt the past years. It was gone, as if after recovering from a severe headache, I felt like new, I felt alive again after years of darkness.

Lost in my thoughts, I stepped inside my apartment and watched some TV while thinking about the recent events.

******

The next morning, I stayed in bed longer than I usually do on a Saturday. I was thinking about Rose and how I knew nothing about her. I knew some things she had told me such as the decisions she had made but was she married? Did she have children?

I looked at my phone and hesitated to call her, would it be strange to call her the next day? I looked at her profile on WhatsApp, she had been online recently so I typed a short message and deleted it.