All Comments on 'My Sister Returns'

but JD and Mountain Dew? That is too over the top!!!!

love this, can you please write some more? this little family is going to need a bigger house soon with babies popping out regularly you would hope. but please keep it all in the family.

This isn't a bad story idea. It's just very rushed. I feel like this story should be about four times as long to cover the events that transpire. It's not as fleshed out as it should be. I think it could benefit greatly from a second draft. Enjoyed the concept, though. Not trying to bash the author, only suggesting how it could be greatly improved upon.

I have to agree. The story is there but felt very rushed. Slow down and take a breath. The story throws a lot at the reader at once

Of all the comments to read where a reader takes exception, he or she draws the line at JD and Mountain Dew...

That and the Mountain Dew seem to be the only objections. In answer to it being rushed, well, it didn't feel that way to me, but I suppose that it depends on how long you are used to these situations taking. If you're used to this sort of thing taking a while, as in perhaps the person has moral dilemmas to overcome, what can I say? My characters often have fewer sexual hang-ups to work out by this point in their lives. They've often decided to discard that kind of religious BS and such some time back and society's taboos, or if the hang-ups exist, they're already hanging on by a thread, existing from mere habit. As for the Mountain Dew, I've gotta shrug, it seemed no weirder than any other beverage mixed with booze in a highball.

How about another chapter

So fucking sexy. More please.

What a waste of time reading this Crapola!

Have to comment on few things just to point out how Stupid & unbelievable story was

So the sister is 11 last time they met

Yet he's the love of her life!

No talking about it 1st thing Sister says/does is gobble his cock #Really!!!

Somehow she knows where he is & instead of going there 1st she tries a homeless shelter #Really!!

And out of the blue there's a Girlfriend & she has to be told the truth #Why?

girlfriend somehow knew he just got headjob As Soon As She Arrived After being told by her sister there's another woman at his place #WTF?

And oh Girlfriend knew he was a polygamist after checking up on him( she goggled him Right!!!???)

also has no problem with he fucking his sister in fact proposes to him & getting her sister in on action

could keep going but wasted enough time on this Crap

Will concede there was/is a half decent story here But had to take time to build it up

I'd say a few chapters not 2 rushed pages

Good writing, but needs more chapters. Thanks

If you're used to moral dilemmas, then perhaps you're reading the wrong kind of story. A lot of my characters tend to reject traditional morality or only hold onto the fragments of such anachronistic values, so it's easier to shed them. It sounds as if you're used to stories taking longer due to moral dilemmas, and if that's the kind of conflict that you're seeking with a story, this would perhaps seem a bit rushed. I concede that the lack of moral dilemmas or hang-ups tends to shorten my stories at times, but then I have difficulty relating to such inhibitions, so my characters tend to be part of a subculture or be naturally drawn to like-minded people. I also tend to use the deus ex machina a bit at times.

As to why the sister didn't go to him first: she didn't know if he would forgive her at first and she had to work up the courage first.

One of the first lessons you would have learned, had you sought some guidance before setting out on your writing career, would have been to 'write for your audience'. It's not enough that you are accepting of a lifestyle filled with odd-ball sexual relationships. You also have to accept the fact that those reading your work need to be guided to that same viewpoint, as is evidenced by the comments of those who have taken the trouble to provide feedback.

As some have said, this is a story that should have been published in a number of chapters, which would have allowed you to properly introduce each of the actors in a structured way; allowing space for you to fully explain the circumstances surrounding that particular character and fill some of the gaps left by your stilted style. For example, why did Carly end up in the homeless shelter? The answer could be that she had no idea where her brother lived and needed somewhere to stay while searching for him.

There are a number of similar gaps in your story that need explanation. A classic one being why did Reuben wait until he had his dick in Carly's mouth before remembering that he had a girlfriend?

Another question: How did it come about that Reuben had his dick in his sister's mouth within a few minutes of meeting up with her after a seven years absence?

I can understand an eleven year old girl having the hots for her brother but not necessarily the other way around. Anyway, he had lumped Carly in with his mother and father as being targets for his hatred.

A bit more explanation about the level of his parents finances would have been helpful at the beginning of the story to explain why he assumed Carly supported his parents so she could inherit a greater share of their wealth. What wealth? We don't find out that they were wealthy until half-way through the story.

Please take my feedback as 'constructive' criticism, You have a creative mind but you need to hone your technical ability a bit.

Not carefully, or you would have realized that there was no scat. I don't write scat. Also, there were other comments that made me wonder just how thoroughly people read it. Certain things were already explained in the text, if you had bothered to pay attention.

Maybe some of the actual works of literature on this site have spoiled me but dear writer, this one reads like a porn script that was cut in half due to budget.

So bad and unbelievable, but at least you got your grammar right.

That was all so fast it hurt !

Slow down a bit, draw breath, put some more details in it. A bit more dialogue. Then develop the story slowly. It should be more of a marathon than just a 50 yard dash.

It was a reasonably good plot, just all too hurried.

Hopefully your other stories will not be quite so frenetic !

Rapier

Read this almost a year ago and it was just as good today.

How about another chapter?

Complete and utter garbage, stopped reading after first page. Just a rushed bull story that is totally incoherent. Just grow up, no one speaks or acts like this. What could you be thinking writing this.

An enjoyable work of erotic incestuous FICTION, (imaginary, the world within the authors brain).

Take your time, read and enjoy the authors work and his imagination, he has worked hard at bringing the situations in his head into the written word, using an awkward language,that has so many recognised variations, understandable English.

What a wild tale. going from a single girlfriend to a harem all in one day. What's not to love about that. Well written, though the storyline could have been extended into several additional chapters. An extension of the existing tale of all his girls having his kids, wow wouldn't that be something. 5/5

A Jew eating bacon?

An 18 year old going straight for a whiskey sour? For fucks sake, really?

There was no flow to the writing.