All Comments on 'My Sister Rosalie Pt. 01'

Slow down your narrative. Take your time. Explore some of your ideas. Practice makes better.

Good start.

Hope you continue.

If you are serious and want to write better... I have left this comment before for others - one of the best methods to better your writing is to read it yourself "out loud." While this picks up common mistakes and some flow mistakes, the better (and I encourage you) is to grab an editor here and learn. Both listening and reading aloud, you will discover what makes sense and what doesn't—becoming in essence your first editor.

This was a good start - but it was so fast and lacked detail.

Ahhh . . . Youth related only by name, and urges.

Good set-up, good start.

Now, please, come up with a way to finish/really start something.

I made it until your cock grew two inches longer than normal. That can not happen. It would be like your arm or leg getting 2 inches longer. it just doesn't happen. Your dick has a certain amount of cartilage, veins, soft tissue and can grow when blood flow increases. There is nothing that will ruin a decent story quicker than making it unbelievable. As soon as that happens, anyone with any amount of brains immediately loses interest. It is usually done by someone that is inexperienced in writing. i didn't finish the story so i don't know how it ended. The next time, leave out dick size completely unless you are targeting gay men. They are the only ones who care about the size of a dick. Most men are more interested in what the woman looks like.

First, your imagination isn't grounded in reality in any universe. Which is a foundational component to any good story and a concept any good writer grasps. This reads like the scribblings of some juvenile to their parochial friend.

It’s..going ok, - but before he bangs her or she blows him they should use their fingers more and then promote themselves up to tonguing , and what tonging is better than mutual, simultaneous tonging, and if you haven’t figured where I’m going with this, I’ll give you 69 guesses !

Ah yes : 69 : Breakfast of Champions !

Mediocre at best. The concept is excellent, but the near misses with the parents was awkward and contrived. The only one that was good and believable was when Rosalie distracted their mother allowing your Protagonist his escape. The rest of it sucked. A power failure? Seriously? By what causes? Is it winter and an ice storm takes out the grid? Thunderstorm and lightning hits a transformer? And the parents just sit there with no reaction to the event.

It has potential, but it really needs a lot more work. I gave you 3/5.