Need

Once we'd been at it for a few weeks we also started hanging out in less dramatic ways: having dinner, watching Netflix at his place, just talking on the phone about our daily struggles. Gradually we sort of became a couple, though he was first and foremost my Dom.

As backward as it sounds, I would look forward to the punishments, though not enough to trigger them on purpose. It wasn't because they felt amazing, the pleasure would always be matched by pain, but it was a pain that I always felt like I needed.

It was never about my own pleasure, it was only about my Dominant forcibly taking my body and using it for his own satisfaction. He was what was important. The first time I came during a punishment I legitimately didn't even notice and Ash had to point it out to me later. I was embarrassed at first, but he told me not to worry about it.

"I'm happy for you, little one. You're really coming into your new role." He gave me a kiss.

That's what kept me coming back. Even more than the sex or catharsis of punishment, I loved the feeling of being wanted and cared for. Ash took care of me in a way no other person ever had.

Things got comfortable. He was now part of the routine.

*****

It was a few months after I met Ash that the company I worked for had to do inventory, which only happened every three years or so. But considering how much work it ended up being they probably should do it more frequently.

Everybody was paired up, and through coincidence my partner was Layla. Since she was an employee for much longer she played the role of my supervisor, and she decided what we were going to do during those days.

I've taken a much calmer look at the situation between the two of us. Even if I still like to think I was better for the promotion my supervisor disagreed with me, and there wasn't anything wrong with that. But even still, things were kind of weird and tense between the two of us.

What the higher-ups originally thought would take two days ended up taking a whole week, with shifts two hours longer than normal, though it felt like even more than that. Normally keeping busy is what speeds up the workday, but the work we were doing was so tedious and boring it made time slow down to a crawl.

The system the company used was completely ridiculous. For some reason they decided to keep physical copies of every important paper. Just scanning them and keeping the data virtually would have made everything so much easier. Going through a multiple-page list and checking one by one if a file was there was bad enough, but there were roadblocks constantly.

Plenty of people seemed to be in the habit of filing things away without entering them into the system properly. I personally don't blame them, over the week I knew the system was garbage, but every file that wasn't in the system ground the workflow to a halt and had to be entered in. It was the most mind-numbing job I had ever done.

I definitely made it worse, though. As the hours went by I kept finding new things to dislike about Layla. I relished in every mistake she made and assured myself that I would never be so careless if I had gotten the promotion she had. Any criticism that came my way I saw as petty and in bad faith. I knew what I was thinking was bad and didn't help anyone, but I couldn't suppress it.

Maybe because the two of us never actually talked about the situation involving the promotion, I never got any closure about it. To me, the issue was completely unresolved and spending so much time with her dug up bitter feelings.

I kept telling myself that I needed to let it go, but I have a bad habit of never leaving well enough alone.

Things were uncomfortable but possible to ignore until Thursday evening, when we had both been working ourselves ragged for almost four days. Somewhere along the way I made a mistake that resulted in the two of us needing to go back and redo a chunk of inventory we already finished. It was completely my fault and I owned up to it, but it burned me inside that I was doing something to reinforce the dynamic between us. She was the responsible supervisor, I was the careless employee who made a mistake.

Eventually we were done and got ready to go home. But then she said something that really got my attention.

"Please be more careful, Colton. We need to finish this tomorrow."

I was tired, I was upset, and I had been holding in emotions for a while. For some reason I went into fight-or-flight mode. I normally try to remove myself, but not this time.

"Is that a threat?"

She gave me a weird look.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe you'll complain about me to Jared again?"

"I've never done that. Ever. But you're on your way there right now."

"Look, I know you don't like me. That much is obvious. But this is almost over and I'll be out of your hair."

"What are you talking about? Why do you think I don't like you?"

She looked so confused and kind of hurt that all the fight left me. I felt like I deflated a little bit.

"I...I'm sorry, Layla. I guess I'm just not over that stupid promotion."

"Oh...well, I promise it's not like that at all."

"You don't have to explain anything. I should have told you sooner."

She furrowed her brow for a bit before going back to her desk.

I felt completely drained as I packed up and left.

Why was I like this? Why did I have to create these scenarios that do nothing but make me miserable? I keep assuming the worst in other people and it makes me feel so alone.

I knew what had to happen. I needed punishment.

Once I was in the parking lot I called Ash.

"Hey, Boss. I think I need some correction right now."

"Sorry, Colton, I'm still out of town."

I stopped walking.

Ash had already told me that he was spending the week with his sister and her two children, but he told me he would be back on Thursday evening.

"What? You said you'd be back today."

"I know, and I'm sorry. But the kids really wanted me to stay another day."

"But..." I trailed off.

"I promise I'll be back home tomorrow. We'll meet up then. I have to go."

He hung up.

I just stood there for a few minutes, trying to process the situation.

I don't think I was really aware of just how much I was relying on Ash until then. I needed him. I needed punishment.

Starting the car, I began the drive home, my head still buzzing.

I shouldn't have gotten so upset, but the situation really hurt my feelings. He needed to be with his family, I understood that, but after a week, did he never consider how much I needed him, too? He was so casual about abandoning me.

Maybe I was being unreasonable, but Ash told me so many times that I needed to take my own emotions seriously, not to just write them off. But now I was conflicted. Was I just a brat or was Ash actually being a dick? For once, for once in my fucking life, can't somebody else be the one at fault? Can it not just be me torturing myself?

I hated myself at that moment. I hated my own emotions. I just wanted to make it all go away.

For the briefest flash of a moment, I thought about getting drunk again, but I couldn't. It wasn't even about the integrity, I just knew that it would make my mental state worse. I felt like enough of a failure already.

I got home and had that same horrible feeling I got at work that one day, the one where it felt like I was losing control. But this time it didn't stop. I felt like I was about to snap.

Then it happened.

One thing I never do is cry out of emotion. I used to be a real crybaby as a kid, and eventually grew to see it as something to be embarrassed by. I kind of just gradually stopped doing it.

But at that moment it was like every tear I had ever held in came bursting out at once.

I sobbed, wailing and choking on tears. I felt like I was suffocating. I crumbled to my knees, an absolute wreck.

I can't remember how long it kept going. I couldn't even precisely say what it was I was crying about, but something inside me made the decision that I was going to cry and I was going to keep going until I was completely done.

After it was over I didn't feel any sort of optimism or catharsis. I just felt numb. All I wanted to do was sleep.

So that's what I did. I went to bed, dreading the time where I needed to be awake and alone with my thoughts once more.

*****

The next day of work was so awkward.

I apologized to Layla one more time and she told me not to worry about it, but I tried my hardest to not give her any reason to get mad at me. I didn't talk much, followed her instructions, and worked dutifully, making sure everything was done by the book. There was a feeling of tension that I hoped wouldn't remain when I came back in on Monday.

At long last the inventory nightmare was over and we could leave. Ash had indeed returned and I drove straight to his house after I clocked out. He and I needed to talk.

Once he let me in he walked to his living room and I was right behind him. Usually when I come for punishment I have to strip naked at the door, he even has a laundry basket in his foyer I can put my clothes in, but it did too much to push me into a submissive role. Today I wanted us to be on equal footing.

"Ash, we need to talk."

He raised his eyebrows when he saw I meant business.

"What's up, Colton?"

I took a deep breath in and out.

"I'll be honest, I'm still mad at you for yesterday. I needed you and you weren't there for me. I ended up having a mental breakdown once I got home."

His eyebrows crept higher.

"Wow...well, I'm sorry about that, but I don't really know what to tell you."

His tone seemed almost casual. It got on my nerves.

"Maybe say that you'll think about your submissive who needs you? You have a responsibility as my Dominant and you ignored it!"

"That's not fair, Colton. I've been open to you coming over for three months. You don't think I have other things I could be doing? You can't expect me to always be waiting for you. What, did you want me to leave my family and come to you instead?"

"How about you keep to what you originally promised me? I would have loved to be with you every night this week, not just yesterday. Do you even know what I have to go through on a daily basis?" I could feel myself getting choked up. Shit. I didn't want to get emotional.

"I'm sorry you're struggling, but it isn't on me to make you happy. I'm not personally responsible for your well-being. That's your job."

"You think I don't know that? I'm just saying that you brought something into my life that helped me and you took it away without a second thought!"

"Oh, so now it's my fault you're codependent?"

"Kind of! If you knew this was going to happen you could have done more to prepare me! You have any idea how depressed and afraid and alone I was last night? Do you even fucking care?" I was raising my voice now.

"Don't act like you know me and how I feel! I'm not going to stand here and get guilt-tripped because I wasn't there to fuck you one time! I'm not just another one of your coping mechanisms, I'm a human being!" He was yelling, too.

"Do not turn this into my problem! All I've ever done is blame myself for everything! I'm not going to let you gaslight me just because you refuse to except responsibility! You think you've got everything figured out as long as you can just look down on me? Fuck you!"

"Get off your high horse! I may be perfect, but at least I'm not a parasite!"

That last word seemed to boom out, echoing all over the room.

Parasite.

That one word cut me deeper than I think any word ever could. That one word was the embodiment of all of my worst fears. That I was useless. That I hurt everyone I touched. That nobody wanted me. In one word, Ash was able to make me feel like the lowest piece of shit that ever existed.

I took a moment to breathe so I didn't lose my cool.

"Fine. If you didn't want to see me again you should have just said so."

I turned around and started to leave.

A few moments later I heard him follow me.

"Wait, I didn't mean that, please, let me explain!"

"There's nothing to explain," I said coldly.

"No, stop, Colton, I'm sorry!"

I had my hand on the doorknob when I heard his voice behind me again.

"PLEASE, STOP!! I'M BEGGING YOU, DON'T WALK OUT THAT DOOR!!"

That was enough to snap me back a little bit. I looked and saw that Ash really was on his knees. All the dominance was gone. All of his power was stripped away. He looked so vulnerable and...weak.

"Please..." he muttered. "I don't want to lose you."

His words gave me pause. I knew I needed him, but did he need me too?

I stood there for a solid minute before I took my hand off the doorknob and spoke.

"I shouldn't have done that, Ash. It was immature of me."

"It's fine, I was being immature, too. You were right, we really do need to talk."

I walked over and sat on the ground next to him.

"What did you want to tell me?"

He sighed before adjusting himself to a sitting position.

"First of all, I want to apologize from the bottom of my heart for saying those things to you. I was projecting."

I furrowed my brow. Projecting?

"I need to tell you more about my ex-husband. You need some context." He ran his hand through his hair.

"He was a sub, like you. We were really happy together, but things started going south, and it was my fault."

He sighed again.

"This was back when I was still trying to make a name for myself as an author. I had written my first biography and got rejected by every publisher I could find. I ended up self-publishing it and working on a new one, but that was a huge blow to my ego."

He scooted over to lean against the wall.

"I was pissed at myself and pissed at the world. I was depressed, but thought I found a way to make things work with my sub."

Ash put his head in his hands.

"Whenever I was mad, or when things were unfair, he would be there for me. I could use him and let out my aggression. It's a lot like what we ended up forming."

I sat down against the wall next to him.

"But it didn't last. He eventually figured me out. I wasn't with him because I wanted him, I was with him because I needed to use him to make myself feel better. He told me as much and I wouldn't listen. I didn't want to change because that would mean answering a lot of questions I was afraid of. If things stayed the same, I could be happy, or at least that's what I told myself.

"It's really hard to admit you're not okay. It's difficult to admit you can't work through your problems, or maybe that you don't even want to. But it's always better to talk about these things.

"It eventually got so bad that there was only one thing left for him to do: he left me. He didn't ask for money or half of the estate or anything like that. He just told me that it was better for the both of us."

He seemed to slump against the wall a little more.

"I was eventually able to realize he was right. I needed to meet my problems head on if I wanted to be happy. I got a year of therapy and was eventually able to face some of my demons, but even after that I didn't think it was right for me to ask him to come back. I didn't want to be his responsibility anymore."

Ash choked up a little before continuing.

"I thought that with you I could prove to myself that I'd changed. That isn't why I want you, but it's always in the back of my mind. That's why I'm terrified that our dynamic is starting to change into what I had with my husband. I was scared that I was enabling you the way he had for me. I didn't want you to fall into the same trap I had. But I didn't know how I could even bring it up."

He finally turned to look at me.

"I got so mad at you a few minutes ago because I saw myself right when I was starting to make things toxic with my husband. I wanted to grab you by the shoulders and let you know that you were on a path that only leads to suffering. You're not anywhere near what I was, but the idea that I could have been pushing you in that direction horrified me."

He stood up.

"I'm sorry, Colton. I want to help you but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I want to be there for you. And I really do want you in my life. Please, give me another chance to make this right."

I stood up right next to him.

"I'm sorry, too. That explains a lot, actually. I don't want to keep feeling this way, but that doesn't mean what we had is the answer. So...are we cool?"

I held out my arms hopefully.

He beamed at me.

"Absolutely."

We hugged, and it felt wonderful.

It felt like hope.

*****

There has been some serious changes to my life since that day. After hearing Ash's story, I decided to go to a psychiatrist. I'm on anti-depressants now and they have improved my life in a small way.

But even more important than that I've learned to communicate more. I stopped bottling up my emotions and let people know when something came up. It took some practice, at the beginning it felt like I was on a tight rope, one wrong move away from either saying too little or too much. But as with everything, practice led to improvement. And it worked wonders.

Layla is one of my best friends now. We talk, have lunch, laugh, and work well together. We were able to complement each other and accomplish more than either of us could on our own.

My relationship with Ash has improved a lot, too. At the beginning I was kind of using him as a crutch, another coping mechanism I used to escape my reality. But now it's a lot healthier than that. Punishment has gone from something I needed to something I wanted, and we're both better off for it. We even branched out and made love in other ways. The first time he fucked me gently and lovingly I was so happy I cried. He even let me top sometimes.

We still weren't perfect. We had arguments and disagreements, but the foundation, the core of our relationship was strong enough that it didn't matter.

Last night, I came into his house after a long, hard week of work. I immediately stripped down and got on my knees in front of him.

"Boss, I need punishment. It's been rough lately."

"You sure, boy?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Things always feel clearer after you correct me."

He smiled warmly and held out his hand.

Once we were in his room he began the assault. He spanked me with a new paddle until my ass probably glowed in the dark and then fucked me mercilessly. We got tested last week and were both clean, so for the first time no condoms were used. With minimal lube and no preparation he rawed me until it felt like my soul had left my body. When he shot, impregnating my body with his seed, I came right along with him.

For the next hour or so I was laying in his lap again and felt like I was in heaven. He petted me and groped my ass and just made me feel so cherished. I was finally able to say it.

"Boss?"

"Yes, little one?"

"I...I love you."

He smiled, though something told me that he was also holding back tears.

"I love you too, Colton. I love you so much."

He gave me a kiss.

That night we talked about what our plans for the future were. We tossed around the idea of me moving in, but I think we both picture that happening a little further on. At the moment, what we had was just right. I love Ash. Ash loves me. We bring out the best in each other now.

My life isn't perfect. I still fall back into my old habits of putting myself down and assuming the worst in others, but I've been working on ignoring those thoughts and paying more attention to the things that really matter. I have people in my life I know I can depend on.