Never Got Over Her

I've obviously fucked up again in my decision to come in here fully made up and looking like a million bucks, thought Charlotte. Now I felt like a whore who was going after a million fucks. In my defense, I'd only dressed up for Rob. I wanted to make myself look good hoping that he'd want me back. But seeing Rob brought home the raw emotion he was feeling right now.

Whereas I was still seeing this as just a little spat, or maybe a big one. The reality was that there was a very real possibility that I could lose my husband over this. My dad offered Jim a beer. He actually called him son. He had only grunted in my direction when he let me in.

"I probably shouldn't mix alcohol with the pills I took to try to get to sleep," said Jim.

"Did you get any sleep?" asked Charlotte's mother. She sounded really concerned.

"No," said Jim in a really quiet voice. "It's just so hard for me to even try. I'm not used to being alone in a bed. I keep reaching out and...."

Charlotte got scared then. All four of the others swiveled their heads towards her at the exact same time. It was like one of those horror movies where all of the aliens have the same brain. Apparently Charlotte's choice of dress and the way she was acting just didn't show how hurt she was.

Shit I'm hurting too, thought Charlotte. I was after all the one who'd asked for this chance to get together and talk.

Apparently they'd also forgotten that Jim left her. He was also the one who had refused to listen to Charlotte or answer her phone calls. He was the one who'd filed for divorce. He could end this any time he wanted to. He could crook his little finger and she'd be on my knees sucking his dick in front of her parents and her snotty assed sister in a heartbeat. She'd do anything to get back with him.

The thing that really irked her though was the double standard. I'm a victim here too, people, she thought. I cheated, I admit it. Whether I was manipulated or not, I did have sex with someone other than Jim, once in over twenty years, I did it. But God Damn it, he did it first, for a longer period of time, and without being tricked. And even now he had never come clean about it. This was just bullshit.

Rob, with Jim's help started the grill. The three men took turns manning the grill while my mom and sister brought out food for them to cook. Charlotte's mom tried to be nice to her. She seemed to be the only one there who had an open mind. Connie glared at her all afternoon. Her dad ignored her. Rob seemed to be frightened of her and Jim wouldn't even look at her. Even the few times that She tried to approach him he quickly retreated and someone would step between them, as if they were protecting him from her.

Finally, Charlotte couldn't take it anymore and just went right over to him. "Jim, you have to talk to me at some point, Honey," she said. "And you may as well know this now. I didn't get a lawyer and I didn't sign these," she told him as she took the divorce papers that she had ripped to shreds out of her purse and dropped them on the table in front of him. "No Divorce." she said.

"Why don't you just leave him alone?" asked Connie. "Haven't you done enough?"

"Connie, I got tricked into fucking one guy. I did not enjoy it. I spent the whole time while he was in me, crying. I thought I was doing it to save my marriage," Charlotte said.

"Why the hell would you think that?" asked my Dad.

"How is fucking some other guy and a real sleazebag supposed to save your marriage?" asked Rob.

"Whether you guys know this or not, Mr. Perfect over here started this," said Charlotte. "For over ten years he's been having an affair of his own. I've tried to look the other way, but I love him so much that I just couldn't take it anymore. I kept wondering what she looked like. Was it one woman or many? I got a PI to follow him. And finally I ran into Carl in the market by chance. Carl cheated on his wife and got divorced so I thought that he could give me some insight on how to handle this so that Jim and I didn't end up divorced." Charlotte took a breath and looked at them. They were all in shock.

"Carl really wasn't any help. He kept telling me that Jim was cheating on me with some wild young woman and I needed to be able to compete with her if I wanted to keep him. Any way he tricked me into having sex with him to prove that I could compete with the other woman but I couldn't do it. I couldn't even get wet for him, so I had to use lube, and even then I just laid there like a rock while he fucked me. That's why he was telling his friends that I was so tight, because I didn't get wet even after he started doing it. I just felt awful, like I had betrayed Jim. And I love him too much to lie to him, so as soon as he came home I told him, though this is the first time that I've been able to tell him why. It was a mistake. I was tricked. I was so emotional and scared of losing the only man that I've ever loved that I was an easy target. And even though Jim has been having his own affair, he won't forgive me and he wants a fucking divorce."

Everyone looked at Jim then as Charlotte started to cry. Her mother went over to her and started rubbing Charlotte's back to try and calm her down.

"Charlotte, I'd have forgiven you for fucking Carl. I know that he's a slippery bastard," said Jim. "If I hadn't forgiven you for that or if I thought that you WERE, what he was saying, I wouldn't have fought with him over you."

"Then why the divorce?" screamed Charlotte. "Is it just so you can have your hot young pussy? So you can get rid of me after I gave you the best years of my life? Now that I'm old and not so pretty anymore, you just throw me on the scrap heap and go off and fuck some young bitch. Is she worth it Jim? Let's show everyone what she looks like. She's really pretty isn't she?" Charlotte went back into her purse and got the picture that the detectives had given her. She threw it down on the table in front of her family. Her Parents, her sister and her brother-in law all looked at the picture in shock.

Then Charlotte snatched the picture and ripped it to shreds and threw the pieces down on the floor. "Fuck her," she said. "She can't have you. I'll follow you everywhere you go and when she shows up, I'll kick her little ass."

Charlotte's parents were shocked. She knew that they never believed there was an affair. Rob and Connie shook their heads. "You sick bitch," said Connie.

Then I noticed that Jim was down on his knees, crying and trying to put the picture back together.

Finally, he just stood up and came over to me. "That's why we're getting a divorce," he said.

"Because I hate the slut you're fucking so badly that I want to kill her?" Charlotte asked angrily.

"I'm not having an affair,"Jim said calmly. He spoke to Charlotte as if he was speaking to a very small and very stupid child.

"Today is September third Charlotte. Two days ago, the day I went out of town was the first. Does that ring any bells?" In the back of Charlotte's mind there was a tension. Something was about to happen, she just knew it.

"Twenty years ago, September first was the worst day of my life," he began. "It really should have been the best day of my life, but who knows what fate has in store for us. We rushed to the hospital thinking that our baby was going to be born early. It was before I had my purple Mustang, I can't even remember what kind of car I had then. It doesn't matter anyway. She came out and she didn't move at all. I remember thinking the doctor was supposed to slap her on her butt or something. But it didn't happen. He just looked at me sadly and shook his head."

Everyone was silent listening to Jim talk.

"I didn't understand at first," said Jim. So I told the doctor to go ahead and slap her on the butt. I thought he was waiting for permission. Then he said the 7 words that I'll remember forever. "I'm sorry; there was nothing we could do."

"I remember thinking, "but I'm supposed to be a father." They had sedated you Charlotte, so I couldn't even talk to you about it. There was even a question about whether or not you'd live so I had to put my grief aside and concentrate on getting you well. Then when you were stable, I had to plunge right into helping you get over things. First, there was the fact that our baby hadn't lived. Then, there was the fact that we couldn't have anymore. Then, you thought that I wanted to leave you or something silly like that, Charlotte. Then, I had to watch you to make sure that you didn't sink into an uncontrollable depression. I remember your dad telling me to take care of our girl and keep you safe. It took a long time before I could even go back to work. But eventually I had to, just so we could pay the bills and eat. I guess that all through that time there had never been time for me to...." Jim paused and wiped a tear away from his cheek. My dad was patting his shoulder.

"I guess I was so busy being the strong one that I never really had a chance to get over her death myself. I had so many plans for that little girl. You were still on the anti-depressants when we had the funeral. We named her Shannon. That had been what we were going to call her anyway. For the first few years we never talked about it, and like I said, I watched you. I never brought up kids again, not even adoption because I was afraid of the memories and what they might do to you. But Charlotte, that little girl was a part of me and you. I just couldn't simply put her out of my mind. Ten years ago I could tell it didn't affect you as much anymore. It was a great tragedy, but I could tell you'd come through it, sane and healthy. You'd gotten over it. But then September came and I was so fucking sad, but there was no one I could talk to about it. You were fine and I didn't want to mess you up. I loved you too much to hurt you. But I hadn't gotten over her." He looked me straight in the eye when he said this. I could tell it was painful for him and he wasn't lying.

"That first year I just pretended to have the business trip, and I thought that I'd do it just once and get it out of my system, without hurting you. After all everyone we know had to travel for business occasionally."

"I went and visited the place we buried her, and then checked into the hotel near there. I said a prayer for her and thought about her for the whole night. I thought about what she'd look like and how she'd act. I tried to talk to her spirit, if there is such a thing. I even went out, bought a small birthday cake, put 10 candles on it, and ate a piece of it. It made me feel better and I was able get over the terrible grief I felt. At least for a little while"

"The next year it was worse. I started to get really irritable about 3 days before her birthday, and you were asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell you. I realized that I had to do it again. It became a yearly thing. In the past few years with the explosion in technology I was able to get a firm that specializes in computer graphics to give me pictures of what she'd look like. I had to go back to the hospital. I was lucky they had the pictures they'd taken of her after the birth, though I really hadn't expected them to have kept them for that long. Without those, the pictures wouldn't be nearly as accurate. They would have had to base the simulation purely on a composite of the pictures of you and I that I sent them and our DNA samples. The pictures get better each year as the technology improves. This year it was so good it looks like a photograph. I'm sure that someday they'll be able to do a 3-D holographic sculpture of her and even have it talk."

"No." Charlotte screamed, realizing what she'd done. Jim just looked at her and started talking again.

"So Charlotte, what you tore up was a picture of....or at least a computer simulated picture of what your daughter would have looked like at twenty, if she had lived. And yeah, I spent that night in the hotel crying, praying, and trying to imagine what she'd be like, just like I have every year on her birthday for the past 10 years. You're the only living, breathing woman I love or have had sex with. There was never an affair, I don't love any woman except you, but when it comes to Shannon, I just never got over her."

"I'm not divorcing you because you made a mistake, Charlotte. I'm divorcing you because you have no faith in me. You don't believe in me or the things I tell you, which means that as much as you like our life together, you don't really love me. If you did you'd know that I'd never have an affair. If you really cared about me, trusted in our relationship, and you thought something was going on, you'd have asked about it, instead of sneaking around hiring detectives to invade my privacy. I just don't understand how you could think that I'd have sex with anyone else. I mean for me, just the thought of you being with Carl broke my heart. But it wasn't the sex with Carl that caused our divorce. It was all of the things that led up to you having sex with him that doomed us. And this isn't TV. You tearing up the papers was a grand gesture and very dramatic, but it won't stop the divorce."

"Charlotte, we probably won't talk again before going to court. I'm not angry at you. I'm just sad. And looking at you and remembering what you've meant to me, just hurts me. I see my beautiful wife and the life we've had and how it all just seems like such a lie now. Then I see you with that asshole Carl, while I was trying to deal with my grief. I don't think I'll be able to look at you again without hurting. Have a wonderful life Charlotte. Carl is at least proof of one thing. You're still a very attractive woman. You won't have any trouble replacing me. I wish you all the best. I'm probably not going to be around much for a while. I spoke to my boss and he reluctantly agreed to give me a transfer to an office in another state. I won't say where but your alimony checks will never be late and I'm giving you the house free and clear. I'm going to send for my things as soon as I get settled."

Charlotte was speechless and so was everyone else. As he got to the door and shakily opened it, Jim turned to her one last time. "I'll always love you Charlotte." he said. "I'll never get over you either."

Then he was gone. Charlotte got to the door just in time to see that purple Mustang backing out of the driveway for the last time.

The divorce was final three months ago. Over the past 9 months, I've learned a lot about myself, thought Charlotte. I've learned that like my sister, I'm a pretty selfish and self centered bitch. I never saw my husband for how special he truly was. I always considered things only as they affected me. The problem was that so did he. He only considered me. He spent so much time shielding me and helping to get over my grief, but there was no one to help him with his. Then when he found a way, I assumed he was having an affair when he was only once again trying to shield me from the memories of something we couldn't get over. He gave up having kids as much as he wanted them, to stay with me.

I've seen therapists and joined peer groups to talk it all out. I've heard all of the modern theories and even some old fashioned ones from priests, but one thing is clear to me too. I'll never get over Jim either. I love him as much as he loves me and our daughter. And I'm going to get him back. I don't know what state he lives in. He's been very careful about shielding his whereabouts. I'm sure he's still in contact with my family. Though my own relations with them are strained. My sister and I haven't spoken since the day of the barbecue. His alimony checks are never late. In fact I don't get a check. He just deposits the money into the household account. Sometimes he gives me more than he's supposed to. He sent me a beautiful card and roses for my birthday. I'm sure it was him though he didn't sign the card. I can tell that someone is telling him about what's going on in my life, what life I have. I suspect it's my parents. They don't tell me anything about him, but I did get them to visit her grave with me. And that was all I needed to get my husband back. Because three months from now, on September 1, 2012, I'll be there waiting for him.

Maybe, not the end, but it'll do for now.