All Comments on 'New Girl in Town Pt. 01'

Get one.

asshole and annony you are one. WAIT!!!You're the king of asshole. No wonder your dead ex wife cheated on you for your entire marriage! We hope this haunts you for 100 years

Good read. Errors weren't as big as annon one made it out to be. They didn't detract from the read at all for me and I love to be a grammar king. Doing an extra proof read never hurts though. Besides the errors, you have a good story here and I would love to see more of it. Please don't keep me waiting. 5 stars for you.

This has strong story lines, and strongly outlined characters. You have created several interesting subplots, e.g., Stacie's and Ray's friendship, and Jake's college ambitions. The witty dialogue is very enjoyable to read. I look forward to additional chapters. (First time commenter/long time reader).

Some cheap shots in the comments - this isn't intended to be one. I gave it a 5.

Excellent start. But to keep getting 5's I think you need to appreciate that this isn't a teen drama site this is literotica. So I will be interested in how you develop these themes in an erotic way; and you probably need to do it fairly quickly. You certainly have introduced enough angles and situations to go many, many places: BG, GG, Gay, Teacher, group, first time, non-consent, incest and on and on and on. But I encourage you to be careful about managing the characters - you have a lot of them and they are not yet distinct. That is made even more difficult having teachers use last names and other teens use first names as well as nick names.

This story is a great example of a lead in. It gives enough info about the characters to make them interesting and draw you in. Am looking forward to part 2 and others.

Can't wait to read more.

Your story would be easier to read if you used past tense. Your characters could also stand to be more distinct.

I'm loving the story so far. Great relatable characters. I do agree with the earlier comment about editing. You need to watch your perspective shifts, sometimes its hard to tell which character we're reading. Aside from that though, it's a really good read. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I'm in the process of finding an editor so they next chapters will be slightly delayed and hopefully a lot better.

Thanks for reading, voting and commenting.

This is a great story and I can't wait for the next chapter... :)

Great storyline. Can not wait for more.

Good start, I like it... keep it going and also do get the editing thing done.

I do hope that that asshole Patrick busts

a knee or his throwing arm. I hate bullies.

This story is incredibly engaging, you've done an amazing job at making each and every character unique and interesting. I'm really looking forward to reading part 2 and learning more about the world you've created and I'm super curious to see what happens between Jake and Patrick. Other than a few grammar mistakes I'd give this a 5/5 score.

I agree with the earlier comments -- I like what you've done, but the grammar issues are really distracting, and the characters are hard to follow, especially in the beginning. Jake, Jamie, Jessica, Jennifer, Jody, it was really hard to keep straight who was who - I had to go back and reread some of the earlier pages to be sure.

My dad, who was a college English professor, made it really easy for me to remember how to use the personal pronoun - just eliminate the other person and ask if that's how you would say it. For example, you have, "I laugh as Mrs. Harper stops Jessica and I at her desk," you wouldn't say, "I laugh as Mrs. Harper stops I at her desk," would you?

Overall, it has potential, and I want to read more. Ignore the comment that this is Literotica and you need to get to the sex - there are plenty of us who want to read a great romance story that develops into more - no need to rush it whatsoever.

Wonderful read so far (aside from some grammar errors). Really hope more is on the way!

Love work, would like to see the next update.

SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL!!!!

Needs some editing but really like the story. I look forward to more!

Been waiting for weeks now for part 2

Where’s part 2 at? Part 1 was great but I’m ready for the next one.

great start, really like your story 5*

I think your first chapter was very well thought out and i really enjoyed getting to know the characters.

One thing that was super distracting was the flip flipping from first to third person narrating. You really need to stick with one or the other and i suggest third person unless you're planning to tell the story solely through the perspective of one character. An editor will probably point you in the right direction with this.

Again, loved it and hope you continue writing :)

My head is dizzy over all the shifts in POV, sometimes first person, sometimes third person, and never is the shift indicated. Other basic grammatical and punctuation errors make this nearly unreadable. Try focusing on basics until you master them.

As I am sure you are aware of some mistakes made, thanks to other readers, I wanted to let you know that this series is wonderful! I enjoy a good story. I like becoming invested in the characters. It makes their moments so much more. I cannot wait for further ventures in this series (currently at seven parts). Thank you!!!

I do hope you find a competent editor as your story would rate very well if you managed to drop the present tense moments and the POV changes. If you tell a story in first person, you have no idea what others are saying if they are not within hearing. The glaring mistakes hurt your score and the enjoyment for the reader. The good part is your imagination. With an editor, this can become a very good series. Thanks for working so hard for us readers.

Only half way through but need to decide on continuing. Your POV keeps changing making it hard to follow. Also nearly stopped near the beginning as I had no idea what your sport talk meant. The guys seemed to talk in another language, missing what I guess were key words.

Good start for first story, but get rid of 1st person writing. Others have stated this as well.

Shit, just noticed this goes for many chapters and I am late to the party. Did you fix the writing? Will see if you respond to messages here.

you left m,ore then a few readers hanging,,,not good,,,,

You should really get an editor to go over this and update it. The story itself is pure, solid gold ("Mortimer" made me laugh aloud). However, while not wishing to be unkind, your punctuation is abysmal, parts of sentences seem to be missing here and there, and you jump tenses all over the place. A good editor can hash that stuff out pretty easily and make this shine like it deserves to.

I am going to keep reading, though, warts and all. <3

Elmore Leonard can write dialog. That's the whole list.

The rest of us struggle. It's tough to keep individual characters speaking in *their* voice and what's happened in your story is all the characters start to sound the same. It's you speaking, not them. The students sound like you. The teachers sound like you. The parents, the little kids.

Cut down on the dialog. Advance the story with prose.

And id love to hear when that patrick guy gets hes karma handed to him.

Reading it for the 10th time from the beginning n yet every time i read this story it makes me laugh like the first time. It's amazing. Please post part 15 soon

First time reading this story, and now understand just from the beginning why so many other readers have been doing it multiple times. Great.

A good start. A few little errors don't bother me.

I do have a comment regarding classes. Smart kids are taking Calculus as a senior not Trig which is effectively 2 classes behind. Geometry is done as a Freshman too. Even average students take Geometry as a sophomore and Trig as a junior, at least in my area.

An architect makes substantially less than a doctor, unless they are the possibly the owner of a huge firm. It doesn't quite make sense for a family to move for the architect's job, unless the doctor spouse is also looking for a change. The family could easily live off of the doctor's salary alone, even if she only works part time.

A small town with a planetarium? Seems unusual unless it is a suburb of a much larger city.

Anyway, good story and you have me hooked.

it started off slow for me, but then as I read it started picking up. I like where this is heading and a great story.

Small thing, high level high school math students should be in Precalculus or Calculus. Geometry is a lower level course. Not a huge deal just something for the future. Thanks for sharing your writing.

I quite like this genre, the underdog fighting the establishment, in this case the ruling high school elite.

I do have a bit of a problem with stories told in the 1st person, it is really difficult to get right. Look at the way Jake can go from "I" to "he" then back to "I" in a single paragraph. That means that the reader frequently has to go back in the text to check, who was saying/doing what? It takes enough effort away from reading that the flow is interrupted much too often. I see that there is a lot left of the story so hopefully the author can polish it some in later chapters.

As far as I could spot (and I'm pretty sensitive to that) the spelling and choice of words is quite good, but there are tons of small words, such as "me", "and", "to" and the likes that are simply lost, which makes reading slightly jarring because every time you see where a word is missing you have to work out which one the author might have intended to use. Hopefully that will also get better as the story goes on, otherwise I'd suggest getting the help of a good proofreader.

Other than that, this is a promising start!

I tried reading because of the high rating, but couldn't make it past the first page. Who writes a story in present tense? There's a reason that 99.9% of all fiction is written in past tense. I find it awkward reading.

When writing in different points of view, it's best to keep it consistent. Either switch between first person and indicate who's talking in italics, or have it all in third person.

Difficult to read, missing comma, etc. Dialong does not follow soomthly. Moves time an place abruptly.

Don't bother starting this series. No updates for 10 months. Author's page said he had the next chapter underway in January (4 months ago) His writing did get better as he went along, but the story got to a bit of a cliffhanger and he stopped writing.

Re-reading the story for the third time. Minor error in that uses both Green and Greene in same story.

As always the dialogue is fantastic. You deserve to be paid for your stories.

Patrick needs an attitude adjustment, with a baseball bat!!!

Just discovered this story, so glad I did, loving it. Hoping that eventually in the story, Patrick will get his.

Why you have troubble with assholes after they mature. They think they are the cheese but only stinks. Pat has the same attitute as the idiot in February sucks.

Maybe you have to show a little respect to others? Poor American.

Has no interest. Nothing exciting. Just every day stuff

The grammar finally broke me in the second page. Pick a tense and stick with it. Your character identification during dialogue sucks, and it hurts the flow. This entire story screams for an editor.

Neat.

Listen, for those are looking for something to get off to quickly, this story isn’t for you.

Having said that, it’s one of my absolute favorites on this site. The sex, when it comes, is hot enough to get you going but this is definitely a love story more than anything else. If that’s not your thing, move along and please do so quietly.

Author, I’ve been praying that you’re going to be continuing soon but if that isn’t the case, then thank you for having me up in my feels for 23 chapters.

I really like your other works, this one is hard to get into/follow and it has nothing to do with the lack of sex. There's alot of characters and they can be hard to keep up with, especially if they have similar names or they aren't given last names(Jamie) and don't seem to have a purpose. The jumping around in narrator part of view isn't a huge deal, but it isn't ideal. Like last stories it can be hard to tell when it's switching from one group to another. Looking forward to seeing how it develops, Patrick getting out in his place, and hoping it becomes easier to follow. I'm a little nervous it doesn't seem to be finished, I like to wait until stories are finished hut your first two series with Grayson drew me in! Thanks for sharing!

Started a little slow but things are picking up and I'm still trying to follow all the names. I was never into any cliques or groups in HS. Wasn't nerd, jock or brainiac but wasn't dumb either. HS was my job and a lot of students miss that. This story right now is just waiting for 'Patrick' to get his. Being 80 the story is a bit difficult to follow but I'm there is some action coming up.

Liked the direction of this story, and gave it a five. Two grammar comments: when someone jumps in a shower, it means that someone in the shower jumped, on the other hand one can jump “into” a shower; also the noun “I” is the subject of a verb, as in I ran, I jumped, I passed, it is never an object, the proper object is “me”. Sorry to be dilettante re grammar, but the miss-use of “in and into”, and “I and me” by Lit writers is so consistent that it appears to be part of the Lit subculture.

Welp I'm hooked! I love the characters so far and the feel of this story. I'll continue reading it and may wind up finishing it tonight as hooked as I am haha. Thanks for the story :)

Got through the first page, was not inspired to continue. Three stars.

Love this story but MAN, Patrick is a dick.

Liking this series so far, also Getting some Friday night light vibes from this.

Love your stories, and can't wait for the next part, so I am back rereading them...!

The writing tense is odd, but the story is compelling

**THIS**is a story that I foresee as being quite enjoyable as it proceeds.

Jake is a "jock", but a smart one, which is just what pisses Patrick Greene off so much. Plus, Patrick is threatened by Jake...he KNOWS Jake is going to surpass him in their Senior year...OR, Patrick is going to get royally and badly injured in an early game (I REALLY want to use bad language about Patrick...but will restrain myself...🤬)

Jessica is apparently going to be caught up in a MAJOR mess in this school...with her being an athlete herself, hopefully she is able to at least anticipate Patrick's crap; plus, I wanna know two things-

A) What happened the last year with Jennifer and Jake? It really sounds like Patrick and his mob ¿overstepped? the line there...more reason for Jake to resent Patrick and seek "retribution"...

B) What happened at Jessica's last school, that her mother (the doctor) referenced?? Sounds like some more background that hopefully will be clarified!!

Five**5**Stars, so far!!!!!

i would personally like it when i will unload four buckshots in tires of jamie in front of his face while saving rest two for those two. loved the story btw

I can get over the grammar, but the dialogue portions are starting to get annoying. Not every reply requires an identification of who was speaking. You don't need to use "stated", "answered", "said", "exclaimed", etc. Everytime someone says something.

Also, kids that are smart do not take Trig or Geometry as seniors. They take AP Calculus or regular Calculus at the very least. And AP Physics. Or perhaps an AP class of a specialized biology like Anatomy. Biology is an 8th grade class for smart kids. Geometry is at best a 9th grade class and Trig is a 10th grade class at the latest for smart kids.

Also, not every scene needs to end with Jake getting made fun. Jessica always being better than Jake is also annoying. Why would she have any interest in someone who is substantially below her in just about ever way? It gets boring when there is no variety.

This is about my 5th time back to this story, and I love each word every time even though I know what happens. One of the things I love about it is that it’s an actual story, like belongs on a shelf story, and because it does get erotic, though I love the lack of it because it makes this more realistic, it could be right there next to fifty shades or something. I’ve posted my comment for this time around, back to my reading!