All Comments on 'New View'

I really liked your story I hope it is going to continue, can't wait for the next chapter

Sorry, but to be perfectly honest, I couldn't get past the first paragraph.

Your sentence structure is pretty bad-it is tough to read lots of simple sentences, one after the other. If you study other writers, you will notice that they vary the length and form of their sentences, purposely trying to avoid any sort of repetitive cadence (poetry being the obvious exception). I am not an editor, although I do read a lot, but maybe something like this?

It was hot. Jason's family is the only one in our neighborhood who didn't use a lawn service, and the results were obvious, His muscles rippled under his t-shirt as he pushed the mower back and forth across the yard, and once again I found myself wishing that he would take off his t-shirt. Eventually the heat got to him, and Jason shut off the mower and sat down on the patio to take a break. Since I was as overheated as he was, I sat back and took a break as well. If only my window didn't look out over his yard.

.

You have her masturbating to much. It takes away from your story and makes her a moron. Don't worry about your sentences structure to much. It's your story that needs help. Only an English major or a moron would think to point that out.

Great beginning, and I hope to see more soon.

Very good start for a first story hope there is more to it . Keep it up and you will get your fair share of fans .Don't let other people get you down as long as you are happy with your writing that's what matters . Good luck .....

great start, don't worry about the morons that say different, you write like people think and behave, and those that criticize your "sentence structure" are people that in the middle of getting laid, say.. wait , let me put on my prophylactic protection," no one talks like that. the real world they say, let me put on a rubber, or a condom, or even a jimmy hat.. people in the real world don't have time to check and see if your moaning has 2 oohs, or 3 oooohhhh's or whatever, as long as the reader can get the image in their head and that is what makes a story successful.. keep writing!!

I wasn't sure what to think at first, then realized how well your writing was styled to fit the character's personality. I am hope the next chapter arrives SOON!

You write well.

Please do try your hand on a mother/son story as well.

Good luck with your new career.

Not just a great first story... also a great story at all...

Clearly her emotions don't agree with her "status"... he's too this he's too that... and yet she still wants him.

Very believable path from her before to her after...

It'll be interesting to see if she tells this to her besty...

loved it completely and am truly hoping you have the next chapter ready to go.

Great 1st chapter! Please follow it up soon, and don't quit writing.

Sailor61

I graded it a 4 for now, but the sequel should earn you a 5 if you continue writing as well as you have with this one.

Nice plot and well executed so far.

Great first...waiting for Ch. 02!!!!!!!!

you should definitely write more. i really like the tensions and complexities in your characters, and how you're getting tons of good juicy bits in without jumping straight to the big deed. way fun and way hot, so keep it up!

my favorite comment so far is the one that said there was too much masturbating. what??? how can there ever be too much masturbating! haha. (okay, what i mean is, everybody has a right to his opinion, and i totally respect that people have different ideas about different stuff. but still, too much masturbating? i guess if too much masturbating makes your character an idiot, i must be off the low end of the i.q. scale by now!!! which maybe explains why i thought that comment was so hilarious, i guess.)

Your sentence structure made me a bit crazy. I suggest you ignore the morons that tell you that everything isn't important, like spelling, punctuation or grammar. If they are happy being second rate, that's their choice. I doubt that what you have in mind. I would add that all the high school style gossip and pettiness was a bit much. College girls are usually more mature than that.

Now to the good parts. I very much liked the story. Your story concept is quite good. Character development is also good. Your writing skills are definitely only going to get better. I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter.

the beginning of something great. don't keep us waiting!

Keep up the story. Waiting for your next chapters. Thanks

Great story, love the fantasies and pov. Something to look forward to for later.

PS - Love the escalation in her personal argument. So sexy.

A great start to a good story. Definitely don't worry about sentence structure or whatever. You'll never please everyone and it's better to write the way you feel most comfortable. Keep up the great work, I can't wait for the next submission.

Great first chapter. Good build up. Personal thoughts and self dialogue could have been more to the point and less rambling - caused the story to drift at times. But great overall. Look forward to the next chapter.

Great start and looking forward to more. Keep uP the good work!

Good writing. I hope there will be more chapters. I like the way you set up the relationsip with Jason so that everything started to fall in place at the end..

just to add to my other comment, i see a little of what the sentence structure folks are talking about, but i also think they're overlooking the fact that katie needs to have the right voice if we're going to buy her as this kinda shallow, self-absorbed just-outta high school chick. yeah, the front end is loaded with a bunch of "i was," "he was," "i looked" sentences ... because she's obsessed with herself and with this dude. of course she keeps starting sentences with "i" ... she's all about herself. and of course she keeps starting sentences with "he" or "jason" ... she can't stop thinking about him. personally, i do think you could break some of that up with a smidge more variety in the first few paragraphs especially, but only because you're going to lose some prose-aholics early on if you don't. otherwise, i think this chick's narrative voice is a pretty perfect match for her personality, and i didn't have to get too far into the story to start seeing the inventive tidbits that you do throw into the prose.

Just awesome! Keep writing for Jebas's sake!

Great first chapter please continue to write this story.

Hey this story is amazing I'm a huge fan already

I enjoyed the general idea. But really dislike the main character. Katie did not deserve to be raped, but the way she (and her family) has treated her brother over her entire life have soured her for me. There is nothing you can do to put her in my good graces. She still looks down on him even as she is obsessed with him. 4* for the effort, but I want nothing more to do with her or her family.

Jason growing up and his experiences might be a good story. But I do not want Katie's story to continue.

Val

Agreed her character is not fantastic, and a bit cliche (cheerleader), but you give her some genuine angst. Sexual tension is good. Not sure about the father angle.

Looking for of this as it developes.

Great start to this story..... keep going cant wait to see how Jason is either jailed or take care of his half sister while dad blows his top

Bloody good effort then! I want more. Now.

Great story. I can't wait to read more.

Love the story so far can't wait for the rest please keep writing

Loved it!! Loved how you describes her fantasies to us to keep it sexy without progressing their relationship too fast!! Please wrote more!!!

Bra- Fucking -vo! When will the next part be out?

This was the best story ever! Please continue it:D

cant wait for the next installment n lovin the slow build pace n diologue if thats howbya spell it

Great start for a new author. You have the audience chomping for the rest! Good work! Now get the next chapter done---Damn it! We're WAITING!

A suggestion: To add a twist, mention Jason having had a fling with her mom when she wanted to have revenge for her husband's transgression. It started at his 18th birthday and stopped a few months later. It is a good conflict material between mother and daughter and Jason.

4 pages of almost nothing,thats what it was

I will say,the story started very promisingly(great premise),But went downhill very quick and don't know if its worth wasting my time reading it(prob give c2 a quick glance and hope story goes beyond you masturbating watching/fantasizing about half brother thru window)

That's a great beginning. Please continue the story. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Keep writing!! One of my favs...

WAITING EAGERLY FOR NEXT INSTALLMENTS!!!

really good. Really promising concept. Taboo with a little extra even.

The Van incident hit her pretty hard apparently, because that was quite a switch. You really should address this "hero worship" syndrome in the future.

Jason feels like a nice fella, without becoming too obsessive. Mysterious without broody. There seems to be a reason why he doesn't show skin, so a scar maybe ?

The POV works pretty well too, so I hope you won't switch it.

Keep up the good work.

You'll continue this story. Hopefully this story only focuses on their relationship though.

This is now one f my favorite stories on literotica! I am eagerly awaiting your next installment to this series!!

Omg when's the next installment I can't wait

After reading "Loving Jason" and loving it, I thought I would peruse your other work (hehe...now I know who Jason is) and again I can't stand your main character. Katy comes accross as your stero-typical valley girl and you've done an excellent job of showing the chaos that is in that type of persons mind. Yet, again, loved the story and love the way you present it, you truly have a talent. I hope that Jason shows her the error of her past line of thinking (ie how shitty she's treated him over the years) and she can turn a new leaf. You have such potential here for a truely great story and I look forward to reading the rest. Thanks for sharing!

I concur wholeheartedly with EVERYTHING that Swifthawk said. I didn't like Karen (from Loving Jason), but enjoyed the story. Katie and her friends are like the Fashion Club from Daria. You gave them just the right development to show their potential depth. And now I, too, can't wait to see where this leads next.

This story must continue...so good - you are definitely one of the better writers on here. So you're a dick if you don't finish.

Please do tell me it doesn't end here! Katie and Jason deserve some fun together while her parents are away

ignore the kiss rave reviews they will only boost your ego. IF you want to improve as a writer listen only to the complaints they are giving honest feedback and will help you improve (unlike the stupid kissasses). find a good editor and have them help you rewrite all your stories BUT DELETE THE ORIGINALS FIRST. one major thing keep all mention of sexual violence and rape out of the incest area they have a seperate area for that trash.

Very naighty, I like it. I like the premise. Very descriptive too. I don't mind that the girl is spoiled. In fact, I'm looking forward to seeing her transformation.

The bad? Needs an editor. Too many wrong words used in places. Also, it's your story, but the "everyone is hot" thing is overdone. The dad is hot, the mom is hot, the maid is hot, all the friends are hot. I really don't want to read about everyone having a 10 inch dick in the next chapter either. That's when I quit reading.

This is a very good start, thank you.

You have a great deal of talent and this story clearly showcases that.

I can't wait to read the rest of the series I only hope that Katie's character development is still progressing because as if the end of this chapter she is still deeply unattractive.

I'm very curious about how Jason will handle her, hopefully he isn't as juvenile as she is and isn't led by the nose because the pretty girl swished her little ass at him.

Remember dude she's a pig. Good looking yes, but who cares when every thought she has and word out of her mouth is reprehensibly shallow.

I hope he is smarter than that. Unfortunately a lot of male characters, especialy in this genre, are basically stuttering hard-ons with just enough brain cells that they manage to stumble their way into a situation were they can be led by the hand by manipulative, derisory female charecters into some mindless debauchery.

Sorry went of the tracks a little there. Great story so far but can I please make one small request? Please stop calling it a 'clitty'. I loath that word its so juvenile, BUT that's just my opinion.

Thanks, keep up the good work.

They say girls mature faster than boys but that's certainly not this case for Katie. She was and still is cunt. Being cruel to someone who have no animosity against you makes you a grade A asshole. It doesn't matter that she is a daddy's girl, the fact that she apparently couldn't comprehend the meaning of the phrase "people don't choose their parents" shows what an airheaded bitch she is.

That being said, I look forward to the character development (I hope) in the latter chapters.

4.3/5

Regrettably, that is not the case here. I am always curious to see the contribution of an editor that merits mention by author. Hats off to the writers who acknowledge true skill. In many instances it is a case of manners over reality. Most of those singled out for praise have done little to merit it. Or perhaps, the previous iteration was written in pidgin English and the second draft reflected the removal of a significant numbers of other errors!?! In any event, presenting such work as this as a finished product is wishful thinking!!!! While enjoyable, even in its current form, I can imagine the luster of the finished product imparted by a careful competent, comprehensive edit. I imagine I must as this does not exist here!!!!

LizHaze encouragement (MAYBE????), editing (NOT REALLY!!!!)

make up (make-up)

once over (once-over)

Uncle (uncle)

God damn (Goddamn)

God damn (goddamn)

flailED (flailed)

In elementary (school)

everyone (-one) knew

back yard (backyard)

burn the closes (clothes) (CLOSES!!!! REALLY????)

COURTYARD, my eyes immediately scanned the COURTYARD (DID YOU SCAN THE COURTYARD COURTYARD????)

CHEERLEADERS on the other side of the courtyard where we chatted with the other CHEERLEADERS

both Van and I (me)

Standing in strict foreboding of Van and his broken arm (CLUMSY, CLUMSY, CLUMSY!!!!)

sat it to the side (set)

went taught (taut)

who I had hurt (whom)

trying to bursting (burst)

matter of fact (matter-of-fact)

less clothes (clothing)

Any way (Anyway)

boo boo’s (boo-boos)

try to flush out (flesh)

back yard ( backyard)

daughter of (and heiress to a) major cleaning company founder (-and heiress to the cleaning industry) (MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!!!!)

mom and I (me)

half-way (halfway)

if Elizabeth was here. (were)

capitol of some obscure African nation (capital)

across the caf (cafe)

Chemistry (chemistry)

rip Jason's laughter out of her (CURIOUSLY, HOW WOULD ONE ACCOMPLISH THIS????)

THOUGHTS of Jason's THOUGHTS (THINK, DID YOU THINK THE THOUGHTS HE THOUGHT HE WAS THINKING!!!!)

He saw himself still suckling at my breasts as his hand (HAND 1) began to play with my clitty, his other hand (HAND 2) returning to my breasts.He was jacking himself faster now (HAND 3????)

You're the only one who cares who gives a rats ass about the errors. You're the only one! We read to enjoy not grade or point out errors You must be a real dick head in real; life.

VOTE 1* FOR EVERY STORY RATED BY THAT TRANNY BITCH FOOL VASTIESMITH2 AKA BONNIETAYLOR2 AKA ANON!

or, in the case of the anonymous pseudo-editor, grade papers.

Most of the comments are purely subjective and would result in plodding and pedantic prose. Must be a 6th grade English teacher from many many many years ago.

If you set out to portray Katie as a shallow, spoiled, vindictive airhead, congrats, you've succeeded; I'm still curious where this is going, and if any real sex-scenes are going to raise their ugly heads (shoot me, it's supposed to be a sex-story...) instead of endless and repetitive wank fantasies. Should I keep going, or is this as good as it gets? Enlighten me, do.

Just throwing this out there... Welders actually make the same amount of money as Lawyers if not more. Depending on if they do Under Water Welding or Pipeline Welding.

Take no notice of those Trolls, this is a lovely story written beautifully. An Englishman.

Onto part 2 for a hoped for "Explosive confrontation" and ending. Good character development.

All I can say is, "WOW! That was fucking 🔥 hot as hell! 🔥"

Normally I would take points off for the illegal drugs and stuff, but you didn't have Jason or his sister using them so I let it slide.

The main character is certainly a self centered stuck up bitch, but I have a feeling that Jason is going to adjust her attitude and bring her stupid ass back down to earth in good time. I really don't like his association with Terri the drug dealer, but I'm hoping that he wakes up and walks away from that in the very near future.

I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter.