Occultation

She drank her coffee, and I drank mine, and then I escorted her down to the visitor's parking. She clung to my hand like it was a lifeline for the whole of the brief elevator ride down.

I walked her to her car, with a rictus on my face and ice around my heart.

She stared up at me, mouth moving strangely, as if she was unable to form words.

To be fair, neither could I.

So I opened my arms, and she half fell into them.

I could feel her shivering, and I felt so sorry for her. I wished I could just tell her not to worry about it, that I would treasure what we'd done, but never expect anything more and never breathe a word of it to any other soul. But saying so would break me, and I couldn't.

Instead I just tucked my face into her hair, and breathed in her scent for what I feared would be the last time.

"Travel safe today," I managed to say at last.

She hugged me hard, then pulled back, staring up at me.

"Go on. Thank you for the wonderful evening and the... company."

"Jamie," she tried, softly, and I knew I was about to break.

"It's probably best if you go, Fee," I managed, far more abrupt and brusque than I would ever have been were I not one breath away from ruin.

She paled and swallowed hard. She closed her eyes briefly, took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders.

"I'll call you tonight, then?" I offered sadly, trying to salvage something from the wreck we'd made of our friendship.

She smiled, but the smile did not reach her eyes. "If you like."

"Later then."

"Later."

I opened the gate for her, and waved goodbye. She did not look at me.

Once she was out of sight I slumped back against the wall, and then down onto my heels, just focussing on breathing as the bright white spots danced in my vision.

It was some time before I could stand, and even longer before I was able to face the seven light-years to the elevator doors.

.:.

I had a long, abject crying fit in the corner of my shower.

Then I somehow forced it all down and away and got myself to move.

I had no choice; it was just me now. I had nothing left but myself. Only I could get over this, nobody else would do it for me. I no longer even had anyone to talk to about it.

I was alone.

Completely and utterly.

So be it.

I tanked up on coffee and chocolate to the point of nausea. I installed myself at my kitchen counter and wasted my early morning on a cheap, awful sci-fi novel, hunting escapism with the tenacity of Percival seeking the Sangreal.

I was just under halfway through the brain-numbing nonsense when my phone lit up like New Years Eve and began to skip across my counter top.

It was Kate. An emotional lifeline, flung to me by Fate. I took a breath, hoping she had time to listen to my stupidity...

"Hi, Katie," I said, trying to sound upbeat. "How are..."

"What the fuck did you do?"

I blinked as the world shifted under me.

"Uh..."

"What the fuck did you do to her?"

"To..."

"To Felicity, you bastard! She was just on the phone to me, in tears, because of you! Did you hurt her?"

"What... what are you talking about?"

"She was crying her eyes out, absolutely fucking inconsolable, said you'd been with her but it had all been a terrible mistake and now everything was ruined and she hated herself. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Jamie, how could you be so heartless as to take advantage of her like that? I thought you were better than this!"

"Kate. Kate. Listen. Please. I seriously have no fucking idea what you are talking about..."

"Are you seriously going to call her a liar right now?"

"What?"

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Um... kind of?"

"For fuck sakes, James!" she screamed.

"Kate. You're... you're going to have to explain things slowly to me. All I'm getting right now is that Fee is hurting and it's my fault and you're furious with me about it... but... I'm really, really struggling to understand... why?"

"Because she loves you, you fucking tool! In spite of how many times you've stamped on her heart, she loves you!"

"What?" I said, in disbelief.

"Oh my God! James! She's mad about you! How can you be so blind? She's wanted you since she first met you! She left Cape Town to get away from you, because she thought you didn't want her and couldn't take it any more! And now, what, you've just slept with her and then kicked her out again? You've broken her, you cunt!"

Suddenly everything clicked into focus. Suddenly, all of my conversations with her rotated into place.

Her cryptic remarks, the shadows I'd thought I'd seen behind her eyes, the sadness, the changes in our friendship...

All of it.

"Oh fuck," I breathed. "Oh fuck, no. Kate... I swear to God I didn't know how she felt. I swear I didn't know!"

"You didn't know this? How did you not know this, Jamie? She's been all over you since she met you! Are you seriously this dense?"

"Yes. I guess I am," I said, hunching over as a wave of self-hatred crashed over me.

"Well, you've royally stuffed it up now. She's broken. You broke her. Oh my God, I can't believe you. You bloody idiot!"

"Katie. Please. You can shout later. Where is she? I need to fix this. I need to go find her before she leaves."

"You can't," she said. Her rage was gone now, and she just sounded tired and bitter. "Why the fuck couldn't you just have opened your eyes?"

"Why the fuck couldn't one of you geniuses just have fucking told me!" I shouted back at her, enraged and hurt beyond reason. "Do you have any idea what it's been like to live like I've had to these past few years, desperately wanting to tell my closest friend how much I love her but too scared to even look at her wrong because I know I'm bad at reading signals and don't want to misinterpret things? I thought she just wanted a little fun, a little human contact from someone she felt she could trust! And that I shouldn't hope for more! Jesus Christ, why can't all you people just speak English to me! I've never understood subtext, and I never fucking will!"

And then I just leaned my head against my counter, groaning, utterly wretched.

"She's at the airport," Katie said guiltily, after a mortified silence. "She's flying out now. She phoned me just before boarding. You won't get there in time. Oh, Christ, Jamie..."

"Fuck my actual fucking life!" I cursed.

"Jamie. I'm so sorry. Oh God. I'm so sorry. I thought..."

"If everyone had stopped thinking and done something instead, I'd still have my best friend. Thanks, Kate. Have... have a lovely day. Take care. See you... around."

"Jamie, please!" she began.

I hung up on her, and threw my phone as hard as I could across the room.

.:.

I hunched over my phone's shattered screen and dialled Felicity's number again.

And again, I went straight to voicemail. Her plane had landed hours ago, but she was still not taking calls.

"Fee. If you get this, please phone me," I said. "I've been a complete idiot and I want to tell you that I'm sorry. Everything makes sense now. I am officially the dumbest man alive. I love you. Please... call me."

Then I hung up, sat up, and stared out at the deep steel-grey of the distant winter waves.

I couldn't really process how stupid I'd been. How blind. How completely I'd cut myself off from any chance of happiness with her due to stimuli responses learned from my previous fuckups with prior, lesser women. How scared I'd been that I'd lose her.

And how... how empty I was now that I had.

I took a slow breath. My chest ached, and I fought down the childish urge to throw my phone as far as I could towards the horizon.

Shooting the messenger to spare my pride.

I laughed derisively at myself.

What a stupid bastard I was.

Truly, the dumbest, most ignorant fool ever to urge his ungainly bulk across the protesting Earth.

And I'd been truly vicious to Kate. I owed her an apology as well.

And that, at least, I could accomplish.

I sighed, squinted at my phone, and sent Katie a I'm sorry. For everything. Forgive me.

And then I sighed again as the single heart and a crying face came back from Kate, followed by a Only if you forgive me too.

thank you for taking her call and looking out for her

I should have had your back too :( came her sad response.

You can't be perfect all the time. She's still not answering my calls.

or mine. I'll let you know if I hear from her

ditto. x

I put my phone away, and lay back onto the flat rock I'd come to contemplate my Olympic-grade cluelessness on. I frowned up at the clouds that were careening overhead.

I was such a fool.

How could I not have seen?

But... it was Fee. She was friendly with everyone. And she'd been my friend. My best friend. And I'd been so scared of losing that that...

Oh God. I'd even used those words to her.

She must absolutely loathe me right now. I loathed me right now.

Fuck it. Fuck all of it.

I couldn't fix my broken heart. I couldn't fix hers.

But what I could do was grind myself into the fucking ground so that I'd have some hope of sleeping tonight.

Sleep and exercise. That was the only way through this. I knew this from bitter experience.

I'd just never, ever expected to need to try to recover from such a deadly blow to the very core of me.

I turned, stared balefully uphill at the high grey frowning crags of the mountain, and then I began to walk.

And, when walking didn't hurt enough to eclipse the pain in my heart... I ran.

.:.

The waspish buzzing of my phone woke me at some pitch-black godless hour of misery. I rolled off my face, cursing as my skin stuck to the leather of my couch where I'd passed out in exhaustion. I glared blearily at my phone, trying to interpret the digits and name through the crazy-paving I'd so senselessly inflicted on the screen.

It was her.

I went ice cold, from asleep to awake in less than a second.

I scrabbled for my phone, nearly knocking it under the couch, frantically stabbing at the fractured green button.

"Hello?" I said. "Hello? Felicity?"

I sat up, waiting for some response.

"Fee? Is that you? Please... be you..." I whispered.

"I'm keeping my promise," she answered, strange-voiced and emotionless. "Despite my better judgement. I said I'd always answer if you called. Despite what a bastard you were to me, I will keep this promise this one final time. You can thank the vodka for that. Say what you need to say and then go away."

I waited for her to finish, and took a long, slow breath.

"Well?" she said. "Say it. Say whatever was so important."

"Did you listen to any of my voicemails?" I asked.

"No," she said, curtly. "And I'm going to delete them once we're done here. And your number. I want you gone from my life, James. I've lost too much of it thanks to you."

"Right."

I took another long, slow breath.

"Felicity. You have every right to be angry with me..."

"Yes. You're right. I fucking do."

"I was a terrible friend to you..."

"Yes. You always have been."

"And I was a complete idiot when you left."

"Is this what you needed to say to me? A complete, itemised list of all your fuckups? We'll be here a long time if that's the case."

"Are you going to listen, or is this call simply to give you a convenient way get some stabs in before writing me off?"

She was silent for a moment.

"So speak," she whispered. "I'll listen this one, final time."

"Felicity. I hurt you through my stupidity. God, I'd give anything to take it back. I was stupid. I should have just told you."

"Told me what, James."

"That I love you."

She was silent a moment, and then she began to laugh. Deep, loud, near-hysterical, bitter laughter. I heard her put the phone down, heard the laughter fade as she moved away.

I sat there, eyes closed, waiting patiently.

It seemed like it took years, but she eventually returned. I heard something clink down next to the phone, then the staccato noises as she picked the handset up again.

"You've got some fucking nerve," she hissed. "Using those words to try to get back at me. Bravo, James. Bravo. I didn't realise how twisted you could be. Fuck, I should have taken notes."

"I'm being honest with you, Felicity," I replied, soft, measured and level. "Delete my number, delete my voicemails. It doesn't matter. At least I'll finally have said the words. I love you, Felicity. I have for years. I've lain awake at night more times than I can remember, wondering if I should say anything to you. But I was always too scared. All my past disasters taught me to rather just keep my stupid mouth shut. I didn't want to... to risk not having you in my life at all any more."

My words dropped into a deep well of silence.

I sighed and slumped back against my couch.

"I know you won't believe anything I say right now. Especially not after... last night. Is it even last night any more? The point is... the point I'm trying to make... badly, clearly... is that until fucking Kate of all people finally smacked me over the head with it... yesterday, I guess it is now... I just... I just didn't know. I didn't know how you felt. I didn't know how badly I'd hurt you. I didn't even know I was hurting you. All I knew was... was that that evening was the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I didn't know you wanted more from me. I didn't... dare to hope that you wanted more from me. So my coldness... my abruptness... I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to let you go before..."

"Before... what..." she asked, softly.

I coughed, tried to clear my throat. I fought for and found control. I took a deep breath, then another, put the phone back to my ear.

"Before what, James," she repeated.

"Before I broke. Before the... the mask I was forcing myself to wear cracked and you saw... and you saw just how much I was hurting. Or how scared I was that that would be the last time I'd see you. I couldn't tell you. Not even then. I guess I was... clinging to hope that if I just pretended really hard... we'd get through it, and you'd be able to leave with no regrets, and I'd still have you as my friend, if... if that was all I could have you as. But I guess that ship has sailed, now, hasn't it."

"That ship was torpedoed at dusk, exploded in flames, and went down with all hands, Jamie. There were no survivors."

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I'm sorry for inflicting years of... unthinking... on you. I never meant to hurt you like this, Felicity. I was... I was trying to cling to what I had. I didn't know that you wanted more. And I'd... I'd do anything to be able to undo all this."

"As you said, you didn't know."

Her voice was softer now, and I heard her blow her nose.

"I regret almost everything," I said.

"Almost everything?"

"I don't regret... two nights ago. I don't regret what we did. I don't regret finally getting to be with you in some way, however briefly. I don't regret lying awake half of the night with you asleep in my arms. But I do regret not telling you how I felt. And I do regret letting you walk away thinking it meant nothing to me. And I will always, always regret not speaking up when you were still close enough for it to make a difference. I will never, ever stop regretting that."

"Stop. Please," she whispered, and now, at last, the years of pain were there in her voice.

I felt like dirt, hating myself for this stupid, unnecessary trauma that I'd caused her. But I had one last thing I needed to say.

"I love you, Felicity. I haven't always loved you, just mostly always. But I will always love you. Perhaps, one day when we're old, you could... look me up and we could... remember how we were. To be honest... after this I don't expect I'll be... doing much between now and then."

"You're so dramatic," she whispered.

"A bear of very little brain has to do what he can with the tools he's given," I replied, sadly.

She began to cry - soft, horrible little breathy sobs that made me hunch in on myself and pull my knees up to my chest in my own sympathetic agony.

"Please," I begged her. "Please don't cry, Fee. Please..."

"I'm sorry too," she gasped. "I'm sorry for never telling you. I'm sorry for being so angry at you. I'm sorry for running away, for not being braver. I'm... I can't tell you how sorry I am for two nights ago. I should never had done that to you. I have no excuse. I should never have put you in that position without telling you how I felt. I'm sorry, Jamie. I'm so sorry..."

"So am I, Fee."

And then I just sat, listening to her until she was done.

"So what now?" I said, scrubbing tiredly at my face, trying to clear my eyes so that I could see something. "Is this... our goodbye?"

"For tonight it has to be," she quavered. "I'm broken. In pieces. I need to go sleep. Or try to. But... but I'd... I'm... Jamie... do you think that... you could maybe... forgive me enough to give me a good morning hello a bit later?"

I closed my eyes, fighting down the lump in my throat. "So... are you... are we..."

"Still... ok?" she echoed.

"Only... only if this leads to a future where... where you can, perhaps, be convinced to... to degrade yourself far enough to go ice skating with me again. And... maybe... let me buy you dinner to say sorry. For everything I didn't do."

And I smiled through my tears as I heard her soft, tissue-muffled "I could... perhaps... survive the shame of both of those things."

"What time is it, anyway," I whispered, when I could.

"Oh God oh no fuck off o'clock" she answered with a tiny, choking laugh.

"Christ, that early?"

"Yeah. It is. Sorry. I got really... really really drunk... and more and more upset. And it all built and built and built inside me until I had to phone you so I could tell you what a dick you were."

"Thank you for phoning to tell me what a dick I was."

She coughed and blew her nose again.

"So will you phone me in the morning when I'm less broken and you're more okay?" she whispered, at last.

"Yes."

"Do you... promise me?"

"Yes."

"Don't break my heart again, Jamie. Don't... don't tell me you love me and then leave me hanging in the wind. This really is your final chance. There's nothing left of me to give that I haven't already lost to you. I'm yours to either mend... or ruin forever."

She took a sobbing breath, let out a low moan.

"I wish you were here now. I would give everything I am for one of your hugs."

I closed my eyes. "So would I."

"Go sleep. I'll... I'll have some coffee and try to sober up and then go do the same. Phone at ten, ok? Give me time to... to find my feet a bit. Ok?"

"I'll talk to you in the morning, Fee. Go wash your face and have some coffee. Thank you for phoning me back. I love you."

"Go sleep. I love you more."

And then she hung up, and I curled up and lay there, simply too tired and relieved to care about anything else for quite some time.

.:.

"Hello," she groaned when she eventually answered.

"Hey," I breathed. "I'm keeping my promise. As much as I wanted to let you sleep later, you said phone at ten. So I did."

"Oh God, is it morning already?"

"Yeah."

"Oh God, no. I feel like death."

"Sorry. Sorry for driving you to such extremes."

"I'm a big girl. I made my own decisions. It's my own fault."

"I share some responsibility."

"As... much as that might be true, you didn't... oh God... tie me down and pour booze down me..."

"Fee?"

"Nauseous. Might need to worship at the porcelain altar. Just... moving to go sit next to it in case."

"Oh no."

"Shades of student life. It's years since I felt this... bad."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop... apologising... uh... my word, I feel horrid."

"I wish I was there."

"So do I," she whispered. "You could rub my back... oh... oh no. Don't listen Jamie... don't..."