All Comments on 'On First Looking into Chapman's Quim'

Your story doesn't irritate me at all. In fact, I quite enjoyed it! I scored it a 5.

Are you a newspaper person? The --30-- is used by them to indicate the end of a story.

A cute, sweet story that had horrific elements.

It was well written and enjoyable. I look forward to your next story.

"Coincidently, kids, I recognized her pussy." How I met your mother...I like it.

A good story, but the ending felt a bit anticlimactic. I'm not sure why you went into such laborious detail about her past and why it had to be spread out over 3 dates. I was expecting her to be on the run or something from the way she was behaving!

Marcie could have summarised it all in five minutes: She tried a career in advertising, but was sexually harassed in several different jobs. Then she met a rich guy who seduced her with his money, but after they were married he turned into an asshole and tried to whore her out to his mobster friends. Depressed and demoralised, she got into camming.

Her delivering a long monologue wasn't very exciting. You could have focused instead on them reconnecting and building their relationship. They had a history together, but we learnt very little about it. Why did she like him back in high school? She must have been really smitten with him to kiss him like that on the prom and give him her panties! All that was kind of glossed over, but it's actually the reason she sleeps with him after just regurgitating her past.

I thought it was an unusual and interesting story. But then I'm also one of the five people who liked the movie "Showgirls" so maybe you should take that with a grain of salt.

good story, but what happened to the bitch that dumped him?

Interesting peek into the webcam industry. Sweet story. Great way to kick off Monday morning. I enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing.

the Seinfeld shows. There was no real conflict, no hero, and no real bad guy, except in the woman's story. That said, I enjoyed this tale. It was the sort of thing a person you meet at an airport bar would share over drinks while you wait two hours for your connecting flight. I liked the little injections of humor. This wasn't dramatic, but it seemed real. Nice work.

Didn't upset me at all.

The plot is quite good.

Even believable for the most part.

Stuffing her knickers in his pocket at the prom was a bit out there.

Recognizing her tat was clever and funny.

Enjoyed it.

I absolutely loved it. An uber interesting female character, a regular guy who wins in the end, and learning what Avogadro’s number is, what’s not to like?

Thank you for writing such a good story. I couldn't put it down. 5 *'s.

You are a great writer.

Love your stories

Anne and Jack AREN'T involved romantically, but they're "sharing" an apartment, and she wants a divorce. Ookay.

She pushed a sheaf of papers across the table, then put the papers in her briefcase?

Obviously they hadn't built up much equity, and there are fees and such, but I would think that even a minimum down payment, which he probably would have pretty much got back, would be FAR more than $5,000, especially for a house in California.

"You should have asked me to this dance, dipshit! Now I've got to give my cherry to Johnny Dickhead Keats." - How the fuck could he have done that? He would have had to date her first, and did she ever give him any indication that she would be receptive if he asked her out?

I don't think he was a dipshit for not asking out a girl he considered out of his league, ESPECIALLY in high school!

She doesn't have a car, but he followed her to her apartment? If he walked, he would have walked WITH her, not followed her, if he drove, she would have ridden with him.

I know it's "just a story," but the can't be in love that quickly, they've only just got to know each other.

As noted elsewhere, could have used more about their relationship, even, contrary to my usual feelings, more back story about high school, and less about how she got there.

I think tagging the places and the planes was unneeded.

07/22/19

A good story, but the ending felt a bit anticlimactic. I'm not sure why you went into such laborious detail about her past and why it had to be spread out over 3 dates. I was expecting her to be on the run or something from the way she was behaving!

I would have to disagree with your start to your comment. Any great comedian will tell you that to make a joke or story great you need to prolong the story as long as you can, throw bits and pieces out to string the listener along and then set the hook. A_Bierce let out the information a little at a time, made you want to keep coming back and then reeled us all in with a happy ending.

In case you have never learned A_Bierce's stories are told from a dry humor sort of way. Yes Marcie's story could have been told with fewer words but in all honesty would you have enjoyed it more or less?

Another five star story.

You will find I can be blistering in my comments, but THIS is a helluva story. Thank you

I like your sense of humor

This story did NOT irritate me.

In fact, I did love it.

No criticism, just 5 *

Thoroughly enjoyed it. Particularly liked the exposition since I grew up in Concord, CA, & Dad taught acctg at Diablo Valley College. One relative left in the Bay Area, a sister in Oakland. Keep up the good work. Mega kudos!!

WindySwimming

That was certainly different. 5*.

Liked it, good work and thanks!!

Thanks for the quirky tale.

Goodness me.

Strange but compelling little story. Well done.

Thank you!

Like most of the top-scoring LW stories it was actually a romantic fantasy.

But a welcome change from the illiterate 'cuck shit'

Nit: 'Discreet'!

Romance?

Nah, this was a very unique and stylistically rendered character essay. I really enjoyed it. To me, for what it is worth (not much), 5 easy stars!!!

I think it works in LW, because it does hit on complicated marital scenarios, and that IS the lifeblood of the LW cat. Also, the BEST stories, (like this one), really delve into the characters, their motivations, and the various coping strategies employed in dealing with betrayal.

I have long admired your good work here, and appreciate your efforts. Thank you very much!!

Now, stay off the cam sites, and write more! :) LOL

in fact it was quite good! 4*. Didnt have the overwhelming emotional reaction that allows me to give 5, but quite good and pleasant to read.

I think what may cause some irritation to your readership, in other of your stories, are the literary/historical references, that are not known to many of us. You are one of the few writers I have to google search your references to understand what you are talkng about. In the case of this story, "Chapman's Homer". You write at a post graduate level, or at least a bit like you are trying to impress a professor, so maybe that is what grates on the unwashed masses reading.

I wonder if this story had any truthiness to it because the characters and the story line were compelling. I love a happy ending with the bad guys getting their just dues. I look forward to more of your efforts to entertain.

Thanks

But, it felt like you mailed in the ending.

The whole cloak-and-dagger stuff went nowhere and turns out it was not even necessary. She was never married and the bad guy went to jail two months after she left?

It felt like the potential for a much longer story with great intrigue, but you just wiped all of that out.

Also, you said it was almost 10 years ago, but then tell us her first kid is 10. That means the first kid was born BEFORE the events of the story! This is why the ending felt mailed in. It was sloppy, rushed and made the prior great work superfluous.

5 Stars for the story. -1 for the ending.

KB

But you ended to soon ,what was the rush ,you could have made this into a series of chapters. Near the end I thought you would continue this longer than that epilogue that came on so quick.i was disappointed .

You write well technically; the plot was interesting; and there was good character development. Given what we typically see in LW, this effort easily merits a 5. Even so, I do have two "complaints". First, you drew me into the story and, then, rushed the end. The plot and developing complexity of the characters merited something longer. You have enough talent, having read your other stories, that you could have given us a longer, more developed close. Second, I'm astonished at how feminists live rent-free in the minds of authors and readers in the LW category. "Hostile environment" at Google and investment banks? I worked on Wall Street for many years. While there were some raunchy humor and trips to strip clubs, that was it. The true hostile environment was created by and for women. The level of employment and promotion discrimination in favor of the women was astonishing. Moreover, women could terrorize any male or management by claiming that they "felt uncomfortable" because of "whatever". As for Google, anyone who reads anything other than the MSM knows that the feminists and SJWs are out of control in that organization. As just one example, look up what happened to James Damore when he circulated a memo questioning some of Google's practices. BTW, I have a niece who works in the SF office and says it's worse than what Damore wrote.

I hope you maintain your enthusiasm for writing. You are one of a very few authors worth reading.

Such, I say, a deal.

I'd suggest greater confidence in your writing abilities. I think you bailed a bit early either 1. because this is derived from something that ended about how you said or 2. you didn't have confidence to take it on a narrative journey. 2 seems unlikely, given your previous output.

Frankly, I'm not sure why the protagonist knew enough about the female lead to be able to parse the tattoo... I am very happy she is unperforated... the gutsy preprom action was very off the wall... all of which suggests geekyness on her part that isn't written into the description. Pity. I kinda dig geeky girls.

And, looking at your output to date - why do you worry? You do good stories and get decent ratings. I am one to believe in the importance of layout (the evil influence of a poet/printer ex-girlfriend) but have lost most belief in the importance of the commentariat. And... who knows? Perhaps there is a >conspiracy< by some anti-porn sorts to suppress authors... could be. Whatever else reason is there to be less than encouraging to authors? Now, I try to actually give constructive criticism, derived from post mortem analysis of my feelings while reading the piece... if this isn't what authors want in the comments, let me know.

Just standing on this peak in Darien... metaphorically speaking.

Green-something

Others have already picked any nits that I noticed, but I agree that the ending felt rushed after all the detail about Marcie's journey.

I enjoy your dry humor and the cute plot device hidden in the wine-dark pubes. ;-)

Looking forward to your next offering, thanks!

Liked it but as others have said it could have been longer. I would also have liked to hear a bit more about the bitch wife and how things went sour for her. 5 stars.

a good story, , what else can I say,, keep on writing, it dosnt matter if some folks don't like what you write, others will, , thanks for sharing,

Johnny Dickhead Keats?

Edited by Pauline French?

I clearly don't hang with the cool kids...

Green-something

(now I have to figure out Cessna and Catalina ... okay, a really nice plane... up to $10M, and certainly capable of cross country (at mach 0.9+) and the same Catalina island that I went to Frosh camp at... but I never made it to Avalon. Kinda dry climate, they made sure to tell us there were no snakes (lots of scaredy cat undergraduates I guess), and a notable story of a lecture given for orientation by Feynman... he said, "despite all of the hard work by the admissions committee, the essays, the interviews, full 1/2 of all entering freshmen perform below average".... of course, the other half perform above average. Kinda words to live by, actually)

Yeah, I consider myself reasonably literate, but I had never heard of "bespoke" until recently, had to look it up. I always heard custom made or made-to-order.

Thank you for this story. I really enjoyed it and hope you will continue writing and maybe even include these characters in future stories.

Well speaking for myself I thought it was a delightful and inventive story plot. Yep, I enjoyed it and it was wonderful with your editing not to have to reread sentences to understand their meaning. Thanks for sharing.

I liked it. Her story was rather tame as I expected something darker but it's your story. About only constructive comment I could make is to spend a little more time on your ending as this one seemed a little rushed. A good solid 4* story but since the haters are going to hate I'll give you a 5* to help encourage you and counter them.

Went great with my lunch . Now I think I'm going in the pool and float and drink some wine and play with myself till hubby gets home .Maybe I'll dream of being a can girl!! Thanks for the read

I always read your stuff, sometimes two or three times.

Definitely more romance than LW, but that's OK.

Good not to read a formulaic BTB/revenge diatribe.

Great story and development. A little more depth on the conclusion would have been nice. Still gave it 5 stars.

What a great story, interesting characters and situations. I wondered about those cam girls before and now I know. Thanks for posting. 5 stars to me

My gob is thoroughly smacked. Last story, published four months ago (written in response to an invitation), has 2300 views and a whopping three (3!) comments. This one, published about 17 hours ago, has 15,000 views and 36 comments. Of course, that last one was in Erotic Horror and this is in Loving Wives, but still...

======================

Boyd Percy

Thank you for the kind words. M. Bierce was a newspaper person in the late Cenozoic (last posting 1968)—those waning halcyon days of hot metal, human editors and proofreaders, no personal computers, lots of ads, lots of readers. sigh

Bebop3

"cute sweet story that had horrific elements" Guilty as charged. Some lives are pallid versions of war ("months of boredom punctuated by moments of terror").

cordialdd

Not sure how Ben will tell his children how he and their mother met. Maybe a bowdlerized version until they reach their majority? A conundrum, indeed.

Powersworder

You seem to be describing a Reader's Digest story. Please see dragonmann72's comment about 10 following yours.

Anonymous—What Irritation?

Thank you. Who would ever ever take praise with a grain of salt. Crikey!

ju8streading, Tajfa, other disappointed readers

This was Ben and Marcie's story, not Anne's. She bailed into a (second) failed marriage, seems like that sort of disappointment is punishment enough.

johntcooksey

Finding comments such as yours is also a great way to kick off Monday morning. Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment.

Harddaysknight

Hopefully, a story about nothing is a tad preferable to a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury signifying nothing. "Nice work" is high praise from you; many thanks.

Anonymous—Nup

Ben stuffed Marcie's knickers in his pocket because he didn't think it would look right if he went out carrying them. Glad you enjoyed it.

James Quiller

Unfortunately, for much too long your faithless writer kept putting down the story instead of working on it. Comments like yours make it worth the effort.

Anonymous—Wonderful touching

Serious doubts about "great," but delighted you like the stories.

–to be continued–

I felt like you went on a little too long with her horror story, and skimped over details I was more intrigued about - like what was the deal with the ex wife? What was so amazing about Chapman back in school that he was still so gaga in love with her twelve years later? She offers him (a total stranger in her mind at the time) an "anal gape show," and he carries on with his delusion that she doesn't behave in a slutty manner like the other cam girls...whatever you say, dude. And this is a guy who is suspicious towards women after his divorce?

We really needed more about their earlier experiences together for this rushed love ending to hit home, because it doesn't make much sense from what we're given. She's got a pussy tattoo obscured by her unkempt bush. Doesn't do it for me, but we're talking about him. She married a rich douche for his money, which didn't work out, and she's got a lot of emotional baggage, in part due to the sexual harassment she endured working at *squints* ...Google. Yeah, I can see why he'd be beating down her door and still be thirsting after multiple dates where she does nothing but talk about herself - and only about her bad experiences with men.

So there, that's what irritated me about this story.

What interested me: the odd divorce from his ice-cold ex. Maybe someday we'll get to read more about what was going on there. Seemed like a compelling premise for a Loving Wives story. Seeing his old crush on a cam site was an interesting plot point. The encounter at prom where she kissed him and bemoaned whatever binding contract she had signed forcing her to give her virginity to someone she didn't care for was something you don't read about every day.

I very much enjoy the "voice" of your writing overall. This may have seemed overly negative, but you've clearly got talent. Looking forward to more of your submissions.

Thanks for sharing with us.

Cog

...I loved it. Not so much a story as a sequence of events, but so well written as to not matter.

The whole take on cam girls was illuminating and well researched - there just wasn't as much of a pay off in terms of plot development at the end. That said, I don't think there was meant to be - I think this was more an exploration of situation than it was 'story' per se, which is fine too.

Great stuff though. More, please.

now, what happened to Ben and his ex before this ?

Well, Ambrose, this is even better than your collaboration on The Gilded Age! A well-written, nicely paced story with interesting literary allusions is a treat, even if the raunch factor is pretty low. Keep writing, this is far from irritating.

That's a 5. Well written and original. I really enjoyed it. Thanks and keep on writing.

Try discREET. The other is an English word, but nowhere close to a synonym.

Otherwise, I loved it!

5*

Good story, I agree with others, the end could be longer and stronger. I tend to like best stories where the wronged protagonist find happiness. This story adds a woman wronged and the two finding each other.

sbrooks103x (in paragraph order)

==================

She lied.

Yes. "She pushed a sheaf of papers from her briefcase across the table...She stood, put the papers in her briefcase, grabbed her laptop, patted the back of my hand, and headed for the door." Her briefcase was sitting on the table; I suppose I could have instead said "She took a sheaf of papers from her briefcase and pushed them across the table." Didn't think it was necessary. Sorry.

Depends on when they bought the house, of course. If they bought it in 2008 (at the top of the market, as we did), they could well be underwater three years later. But I didn't say when the timeline started, so I suppose folks would assume that the most recent events (10 years after they got together) were now (2019). Working backwards with Ben's timeline: 10 years later + 1 year or so in Hollister + 3 years in Gustine would make it around 14 years earlier when they bought, or 2005 not 2008. In fact, after three years in Gustine they would have sold in 2008, probably near the top of the market or shortly thereafter. I was trying to keep their divorce as simple as possible, therefore not much property settlement to fuss about, hence the small ($5000) number. My bad.

That was a rhetorical "You should have asked me, dipshit!" She knew he had no idea she wanted him to because she never showed any interest in him (or at least none that he noticed). She was angry at herself for not expressing her interest, not at him for not asking her.

Nope. Neither do I. Neither did Marcie (see preceding graf).

Fire the continuity guy (that would be me, of course). Yegods and little fishes, how did I miss that? No excuse.

Let me guess: You never pined over an unrequited high school crush/love for 10 years.

I thought the more recent events were higher priority for exposition in a short story. Their relationship was sort of magic—ref "Could This Be Magic" by The Dubs, 1957 (not that hogshead of treacle "Could It Be Magic" by Barely Maninuff, 1971 with redos/remixes in 73, 75, and 93).

I didn't/don't. And it's my story.

The 3 carat diamond ring should have brought her an easy $10K, plus where were her family and friends? She was beautiful, successful, and talented, so she should have had lots of financial and emotional resources.

Still, always nice when love is realized and consummated for ever.

And as you must know, the original A. Bierce was infamous for sad tragic dark ending stories. He would not have written this one the way you have. His would have been better written. Yours is more welcome.

Thanks.

Don't devalue your stuff. It's pretty good.

dragonmann72

You get it. Much appreciated.

Schwanze1

Your rep regarding comments precedes you, sir. Your good words are a welcome surprise.

Anonymous–It didn't

Why thank you. Who could resist such nice words?

WindySwimming

East Bay is getting majorly overcrowded, and trying hard to be as expensive as the Other Side. Hope you don't think this was intended to be a snide swipe at DVCC; it most definitely was not. Ben chose it because it has a good math department.

cpl8140

Apparently different is good. You have commendable standards.

Gomez333

Glad you liked it, Mr. Addams.

silentsound

Weird and quirky. Sounds like romance, all right.

Anonymous–A bespoke suit?

Yes. Not Savile Row, but still...

gatorhermit

Yes, but the comments in LW are so much more...substantial.

Anonymous–Very Entertaining

Yes, it's a romantic fantasy. Psst: This whole place is filled with fantasy, but don't let anyone else know.

Anonymous–Still waiting

A unique and stylistically rendered character essay? But it was meant to be a tale of complicated marital scenarios. It's among the BEST? You've long admired this writer's good work and appreciate his efforts? La, sir, you'll spoil him with your honeyed words, and that would be...wonderful. And cam sites now are in the rear view mirror; they were just research, donchya know. <nudge nudge wink wink>

patillie

Unfortunately, you're spot on: I've written too many stories not to entertain or even simply to vent, but to impress. Feh (that's older and has quite a different meaning from meh, favored by my children). See what I did there? smh. I'm going to try, really try, to resist my instinct to show off how much I know about everything (which of course I don't, but I'm in good graces and constant contact with Dr. Google). And there are no unwashed masses in Literotica, despite frequent claims to that effect by the 3Seize (Chronic Commentariat Complainers). A thousand thanks for making me face that failing.

Richie4110

Truthiness? But of course, LW is awash in truthiness. And self pity. And angst. And anger. Not to mention morning breath, more clichés than Carter has Little Liver Pills (ask Dr. Google), and a staggering supply of misconceptions about women. Thank you for looking forward to more; hopefully, you will continue to be entertained.

-to be concluded-

“I didn’t get tired of Gustine, I got divorced of Gustine.” And again: “We both loved Anne...” I think you meant that you got divorced in Gustine and that you and Anne both loved Gustine.

I’m sure it’s a great story but I don’t want to have to decipher who or what is being said.

The title caught me, being a Keats fan. The quality of the writing was also markedly up from what I'm used to. And then there was the content. My wife got herself through college doing similar activities to those described here. It's not a pretty world, but you managed to navigate the territory between reality and erotic pretty well. Keep it up!

When I see Quim in a title, well I expect it to be different than this. Finally my curiosity got me to look and was surprised it was like this.

A 7.8 on the Richter Scale.... every Californian would recognize such a powerful story... except a few Anon's.... all 5 stars

This story didn't jump off the page at me at first glance but I really enjoyed it. I have also looked at some of the cam sites and found the less 'vulgar' models most interesting.

Dear Ambrose,

Intelligent, witty and just sexy enough. Encore!

Quite an enjoyable read of this original story. Well written, intriguing plot with good characters - what more could a story need?

Thanks for sharing and keep em coming.

Going back is a popular dream.

Works better in fiction than in reality.

In this story the dream was even more fictious

as there was no connection back then,

only infatuation.

Still, an interesting read.

4 out of 5 from me.

King Bandor

Yabbut cloak-and-dagger is fun! Yes, I screwed the pooch with the timeline (see my earlier comment on sbrooks103x's comments); that's really embarrassing and no, she wasn't pg when they were married. But but but...superfluous? You wound me, sir.

King Bandor, Anonymous–Great story, Anonymous–Worth reading, green117, boatbumm, Tajfa, Anonymous–Pretty Good Story, and Anonymous–Good story

King called it: I emailed in the ending. This story had been hanging fire since last December, because my muse abruptly and without explanation decamped for Uttar Pradesh (at least that was the postmark on the lone postcard she deigned to send me). Fond though I had become of Ben and Marcie, my increasing frustration with not finishing finally led me to fill in the remaining gaps and collapse what I envisioned as at least two more Lit pages into a terse Epilogue. tl;dr: Responsibility failed, impatience won. I should probably correct that someday with a sequel.

Anonymous–Worth reading

Remarks about hostile work environments at Google and investment banks were made by Marcella Minerva Chapman, not the author. His experience is not totally unlike yours (yes, that's mealy-mouthed to avoid slings and arrows etc.).

Anonymous–Nice fantasy

Gustine offered a sharper contrast to Marcie's swanning off to Boston. Glad you were entertained.

green117

Well, it was neither 1 nor 2, but 3 (as outlined in response to King Bandor et al). I can't claim to know any other Lit authors, but I'm pretty sure that most of them don't resent "constructive criticism, derived from post mortem analysis." I welcome them (even if they give cause to question my writing abilities). Not sure how far one can see from the tallest peak in Darien CT (if there are any; never been there myself).

boatbumm

Glad you enjoy my dry humor; I love "wine-dark pubes", a marvelous image.

abitshyone

Thank you for taking the time to encourage me.

green117 redux

You heard Dr. Feynman in the western isles? Surely he was joking (I know, his name was Richard, not Shirley).

sbrooks103x redux

Can't help it, I'm an Anglophile. But I'll bet folks in the rag trade know the term, too.

DarkerBinding

You're welcome and I'm still pretty fond of them, so who knows?

DogFuzz

I'm delighted to share if it elicits such nice comments (even when it doesn't, for that matter), and one of my definite goals is to keep readers from having to double back.

Anonymous–Pretty Good Story

Marcie thought her story was plenty dark. Glad you liked it, and thanks for the anti-haters bonus.

Nipplesandwine

Nice that it complemented your lunch. You don't have to wait half an hour to get in the pool, dear, but I do hope you have some sort of float aid to compensate for the wine and, um...divertissement.

Anonymous–FWIW

There are those who would argue that you don't have enough to do. I'm not one of them.

Anonymous–An enjoyable

Yes, it was supposed to be romantic, not angry or vengeful. Thanks.

Anonymous–Good story

From good to great! Heady praise, that.

Wonderman1

Second "great story" in a row! Be still my beating heart. But I'm still wondering about those cam girls.

============================

I know I put -to be concluded- at the end of Fit the Third, but that was before another two dozen comments popped up all at once. Sooooo...

-to be continued-

Re: The papers - My question wasn't about where the papers came from, I understand they came from her briefcase. But she pushed them across the table, I assumed giving them to him, so why would she be putting them be putting them in her briefcase?

Re: Unrequited Love - Yes I must admit to never experiencing that.

Your little veiled viciousness there in the intro is only equaled by your pomposity and self-congratulation in your comments. Careful that you don't strain something, patting yourself on the back like that. Sorry, dude, your faux magniloquence is more nauseating than edifying, and your convolutions to appear astucious just make me laugh. Get over yourself, man. Christ, a more sententious buffoon I've seldom read. The story was a four. The intro earned you a one, and your comments took you into the negative zone.

Anonymous–"I felt like you went on..."

So you're more interested in Cold CPA Anne than the perils of Marcella Minerva Chapman? Hmmm. You ask what was so amazing about Chapman back in school. Not wanting to dwell overly long on high school days, I simply said "If I was from Mars, Marcella Minerva Chapman wasn’t from Venus, she was from Proxima Centauri b—she was that far out of my league. Marcie was drop-dead gorgeous, got a brand-new Corvette for her 16th birthday, went through boyfriends like Mike Tyson went through sparring partners. I was in at least one class with her every semester all through high school in Grass Valley, memorized every oblate spheroid and hyperbolic paraboloid of her stellar body." I thought that sufficed, but I've been wrong more often than I care to recall. Yeah, Ben was suspicious toward women after Anne, but that was overwhelmed by his idealized memories of Marcie (ref my response to sbrooks103x regarding unrequited H.S. loves). I understand if you're not turned on by a tattoo obscured by an unkempt bush, and also understand that you don't understand how he could still be attracted to Marcie when she answered his question about what happened. I hope my "voice" will say things more attuned to your preferences in the future, and it's my pleasure to share.

jezzaz

What can I say? It was a sequence of events to be tied together and illuminated by the closing scenes, but as I disclosed in Fit the Fourth, I gave in to impatience and condensed the closing scenes into a faster-than-light-speed Epilogue. Happy to illuminate cam girls, though. Perhaps the reason it seems more an exploration of situation than a story is because the inspiration was the title, which just sort of popped into my head when I saw a reference to Keats's sonnet. I chuckled (because I thoroughly appreciate my own sense of humor), then realized a day or two later that my evil twin who lurks in my subconscious had been trying to flesh out the joke into a story and decided to see what I could do. Kind words such as yours mean even more when they come from one of my favorite authors.

Anonymous–nice story

I must shamefacedly admit that I don't know, didn't pay enough attention.

Anonymous–It's a pleasure to read

It's equally a pleasure when someone seems to be unperturbed that the raunch factor is pretty low. Much obliged.

laptopwriter

More approval from a favorite writer! I shall definitely keep on writing.

Lickideesplit

Oy! I homophoned myself! And you loved it anyway! And I have run out of exclamation marks.

012say

Yes, I was determined that Ben and Marcie have a happy ending. Mea culpa for shortchanging you on the ending.

Anonymous–A cute romance

Oops. I forgot...No, wait! Maybe I forgot to mention she later learned it was cubic zirconia. She lost so much self-esteem that she didn't want to reveal herself to her family and former friends. Of course the story would be better were it written by the original A. Bierce: He was a talented, imaginative (if fey) writer. Thank you so much.

oldbearswitch

I try not to, don't always succeed, but always welcome a pretty good.

Anonymous–I'm sorry but

No, I meant "divorced of Gustine" to be parallel with "tired of Gustine" (artistic license). And no, I meant they both were in love with Anne (she loved herself more than she loved Ben).

King_Mark

Goody, another Keats fan (gotta love them DWEMs). Thanks, I'll try to keep it up.

ScorpioJJ

Your expectation is understandable; I do hope that you were surprised good.

Anonymous–Absolutely

Please go easy on the seismic symbolism: we live a few short miles from the San Andreas. Nonetheless, many thanks.

Anonymous–Kept me interested

Delighted you enjoyed it, a scribbler couldn't ask for anything more. And yes, some cam models are most interesting even if they don't bare watching.

Freddog6601

What more could a writer ask? My pleasure to share, especially when someone enjoys it.

SomeOneTwoThree

Definitely works better in fiction, but a decade-long fermentation can change an infatuation into something deeper (at least in fiction). Thank you.

sbrooks103x troisième

Let's try this: "She stood, put her laptop in her briefcase, patted the back of my hand, and headed for the door." The continuity guy was really asleep at the wheel this go-round. And lucky you.

kimi1990

Aww, kimi, I didn't know you cared! And to boot, I learnt three new words! A thousand–no a million thanks!

Well written and a unique plot. Congrats. 5*

My only bitch was the ending but I think you've dealt with that.

Hong Kong Bespoke Tailors. In your area next week!

I must be privileged. I assumed everyone got them.

I loved the story and thought it was very interesting, I loved the tattoo under the pussy hairs that gave him the clue to who she was. lol. I was glad to see a happy ending. Good Job!

Well, I finally found the courage to read this and.happily so. I read some of the early comments and thought this might be one of those rare literary pieces that I wouldn't get. But I am a fan of your writing, so whilst awaiting a doctor appointment I decided to give it a shot. While it was above the usual fare here in LW, I found that I was able to both understand and appreciate it very much. Just a really interesting introduction to a very good story with a happy ending. Amazingly enough, most all of the comments are very positive. I have no clue what Kimi said, but I'm working on a translation. Great job again A_B. Write soon.

I thought it was good. Even a little 'intellectual'. Good stuff. Thanks for sharing...

I believe that in the 66 independent comments you received so far that almost everything's been covered for this story. Fact is the intercourse between the commenters and yourself is as entertaining as the story. I found I really liked the back and forth. The coupling of the readers and author intimately. I wish more authors would initiate it. TIC

I don't comment very often, and I'm not a writer or literary critic, but I do vote

Easy 5*

You've been favorited

What happened to his first wife.Ok she got married and divorced ,then what,hopefully she never got to have her own business.

Many of the stories on LW can be deciphered by the title and short description. This one was so strange it drew me in, and I am very glad it did. Very original idea, very good writing technique, and a happy ending to boot. There were some weaknesses to the story, but that is true of 95% of the material on Literotica.

I will definitely read more of your work.

Well written. Honestly you could have stretched it out, but that could just be me being selfish. Thanks.

gordo12

Yeah, I really booted the ending. Spam? What's that?

sexymeup

Many thanks for the kind words. I, too, was more than a little fond of the tat.

26thNC

I've been accused of many things, but I don't believe "literary" was one. I'm very pleased you liked it; in the past your comments have given me the encouragement to continue writing. Hope the doctor visit was unremarkable.

teedeedub

Ref the previous comment, I don't believe I've been accused of being "intellectual", either. Thank you, I enjoy sharing.

FirstwithU

I'm also surprised by the comments, but can't deny I'm pleased (more by the number of comments than the approval). I stole the idea of responding to individual comments from another writer, but started before I knew how many there would be. It's sort of embarrassing now, pushing into this forum intended for readers, but in for a dime... Many thanks for the vote of confidence.

Anonymous–Happened

I'm not sure what happened to Anne after she was divorced, lost track of her.

ribnitin

You're too kind. Not only because of your favorable comments, but also because of your reference to only >some< weaknesses. Do you take Visa?

-to be continued-

...of irritating your reader. It proves that you've effectively captured their attention. That is much more than many 'writers' can claim. Keep up the good work and we'll keep reading. Thanks for sharing.

I’m not a writer, so you can take my advice, or not, but I wouldn’t get too irritated by the comments on this site. The LW category, for example, is a notorious place for complainers who don’t like this, or disagree with that. If they want to complain about the length of your submissions, then I say f—k ‘em. Don’t take it personally.

I’m a sucker for a feel-good happy ending, so there is that! I appreciate that your writing isn’t laden with the silly errors that seem to plague so many writers here. Your skill and attention show.

I, for one, consider your writing a gift to me. Thank you for writing it, and thank you for sharing your work.

....concerns about some of your writing, you tell a good story with a human interest focus. Here, our hero, fallen on tough times, due to a rather poor choice of spouse and his unrequited love interest, fallen on even harder times....find each other and proceed to live their lives well.

The ending fully explained the outcome of their reunion, if somewhat briefly.

I personally would have delved more into her unexpressed interest in him, as evidenced by her shocking and enlightening outburst at the prom.

That all said, I’d suggest you try our hand at a BTB (but try to write something unusual, instead of the hackneyed and trite ex-marine, torturer or fire-starter stories that seem to pervade the BTB sub-genre). There are some pretty good ones out there, but they are rare and usually heavily criticized because the protagonist doesn’t go scorched earth on everybody.

Now, I want to forewarn you, that if you think you’ve been criticized so far, this suggested effort will expose you to more invective than you thought possible. It seems many men that have been screwed by the courts and faithless slut wives stay bitter and angry for a very long time. Further, they are completely intolerant of any story that leaves the offending partner alive, capable of earning a decent living, continuing to maintain family relations with their children, moving on, etc.

That is the worst kind of fantasy. I personally much prefer stories that are more connected to the realities of our high divorce rates in all of North America.... that is, that the husband is most often the unfaithful one, but when the wife is cheating, she is usually the most willing to completely trash her spouse in destroying their marriage.

I can’t claim to truly understand what goes on in the minds of cheaters. To my way of thinking, if one or the other is unhappy, they should have the self respect and at least enough respect for their spouse to tell them what their marriage has come to and get out before injuring the other party with affairs and other misdeeds. I can see a time coming when the legal system will no longer treat cheaters (especially women) with the completely unjust favoritism they now enjoy. I think cheaters need to feel some pain for their perfidy and hate a legal system that denies that faithful spouses should be rewarded for upholding a legal contract (the wedding vows), while the cheaters should be punished for breach and there should be criminal penalties for doing so. Leaving this all to the civil courts, is what made California the most domestically screwed up state in the union, with New York and Pennsylvania running a near second and third. I won’t even mention Florida, because there are too many instances on the books of harsh retribution for cheating spouses.....let’s not even get into Texas......which seems more like the late 17th and early 18th centuries with their duels (both gun and sword), than any modern, more civilized area.

Mind you, I’m not opposed to these tactics. They tend to weed out cheaters and punish both the cheating spouse and the lothario or slut for their involvement in breaking up a legal union.

I would have enjoyed shooting the nuts and dick off the asshat that bedded my former wife. But I was unwilling to go to jail for exercising my right to defend my honor and the institution I revere. I was also unwilling to suffer the pains and economic devastation the courts would impose in a divorce action.

I tied up all my funds and income in a number of ways (no offshore accounts, no cash in safety deposit boxes), but made sure there was no economic advantage of any kind for her to file. I filed for legal separation and had to maintain the house, but I set the rules for life going forward there and did make use of a balaclava and aluminum softball bat on a couple of occasions. The trick there, was to have a defensible alibi.

That was not so easy, but I managed.

I won’t cover any other details, as I’m telling too much of my stories and, frankly, I have nothing new or even novel to tell. Until I do, I’ll reserve my history (beyond what I’ve shared here) for a later telling.

Please keep writing and PLEASE don’t take comments personally or too seriously.

It’s not so much to you that readers like your story as it is that they are engaged in it and have some connection to one or another character.

A little more work on your characterization and watching out for the unstated but critical background details will put you into some pretty rarified space as contributors around here go.

My last point....the worst critics never dare to write and submit. Many “annonys” are unjustifiably Troglodytish in their comments...some registered members are no better. You just have to filter or delete the invective filled comments, as they offer nothing useful and are often with personal slurs and even threats. Whether registered or annony, people too often think they can get away with saying almost anything, since you can’t see their faces (and have to risk getting their noses smashed!).

Carry on, good sir. I look forward to your next installment!

And thank you for your courage and your efforts to grow and tell a story or two....

I am not a writer, that said anonymous 09/18/19 is long winded. My only suggestion is to write for your own enjoyment. I have only read a couple of your stories but I have liked those that I have. Maybe I will change my mind latter but I think you have promise. Don't let others dictate how you write because as the say you can't please everyone so you have to please yourself. TM in NY

I like this for the character development, especially Ben's.

I also like the novel romance. The cam sessions seemed pretty realistic.

The whole thing could have been briefer, but author really wanted to build up the romance more than was necessary. It just means that the bulk of the last two pages were more filler than substance, but can't have everything.

It was well written, flowed well and a bit weak. The reason why it was in loving wives category was because of the first wife ditching him. There was no emotion or anything that I felt in this paragraph. It was just a set up for the soy boy story of miss wonderful cam girl. It was so filled with plot holes it wasn't just cheesy, it was swiss cheese. I liked the nerd level stuff, but her story was too much like polishing a giant turd.

...wins big on the characters and story scales. While you went into great detail about how hard things were for Marcella, some of her preparations were a bit too pat....too convenient for someone in dire straights. From the sounds of it, she could have done better working at a convenience store or fast food place. One other dichotomy is that she was the popular and gorgeous unreachable in high school, but was a virtual recluse without a single friend by the time they renew their contact. It would take a bit more explanation or artful storytelling to make the reason more apparent.

Also, with her experience in high finance, I would have imagined she could have worked some of their probably modest savings into substantial investments in 3-4 years. Finally, the references to the children’s names (first one excepted) are a bit obtuse. Better explanation would be required there to make it all plain to the reader.

All that said, it was an enjoyable story about two people with bad decision-making skills, finally getting a break and getting what they both most wanted in life.

Please continue....

Too vanilla. Understated too. Real emotion and reaction need injection - may push the story into a few chapters too !

I read the story, then I read the comments, and finally I tried to marry the two together... and on the whole, failed.

I found this to be a delightful story - intelligent, literate and full of compassion rather than high drama. Perhaps the latter is why the word 'vanilla' popped up - unfairly. This was not high drama, it was well-crafted, thoughtful and, in places, teasing story-telling. I so enjoyed it, that the end came too soon. Probably why so many said the ending was rushed. For me, the ending came at the end, where it belongs.

Thank you, sir. 5*

Just fucking excellent.

Brilliant!

Very good story. I enjoyed reading it. Thank-you

The prose is smooth and the characters are well-realized. The plotting, though, is askew. Firstly, our couple loved each other from afar in high school despite never speaking to each other, and are still in love 12 years later. That somewhat implausible backstory comes off as bland dramatically. It needed more than that prom-related kiss.

.

Then, there's the plot structure itself. It's just a series of interviews. Marcie gives Ben her story first online, then in person through several coffee shop dates, and finally in her home. It's all second hand retelling, nothing happens in the narrative's present but talk. This drains the tale of energy.

.

Lastly, there is the hasty resolution. Marcie finishes her story, Ben tells her he loves her, Marcie returns the love, they live happily ever after. Where's the conflict?

I enjoyed reading your story. However, the seemed to be gaps or "leaps of faith" which could have used more development. The big one is how Marcie and Ben have one interaction at the prom, then at the end each professes love to the other. It seemed to just appear with no history or build-up. There is an old expression, "deus ex machina" which loosely translated means god from a machine. It was used by early playrights where the writer takes the story down a path from which there is no rational or logical way to resolve the main conflict. The writer invents someone or something to magically intervene and bring about resolution. Good luck.

I must admit to absolutely not understanding folks being irritated by reading a free story. They didn't do the work to write it. They didn't pay anything for it. If they are irritated they could simply stop reading. I suspect they like sneering at the efforts of others to make themselves feel important. Really kind of sad aren't they?

I liked it.

A sweet fairytale.

🌟🌟🌟🌟

I agree with sleeperJim’s comment regarding the story being well done. You have a real talent for story telling. You set me up to let my imagination fill in the blanks. Well done.

However: from a technical POV, I also agree with invisible_bridge’s comments which were stated better than I can. If you can meld the two, you have a novel in your future.

I loved it

LIkeable characters in a well-written story. Nice to see the work ‘desuetude’ used in a story. The word itself is in a state of desuetude, so thanks for reviving it. I’ll start adding it to my regular word rotation. :) Also appreciated the inside baseball references to the Keats sonnet and Hernán Cortez. 5*