All Comments on 'One in Ten Ch. 03'

Loving this

Great riveting stuff. Keep it up!

Once again, Finalstand delivers a great story. I only wish he had a little less ADD so he could actually finish some of them. :-)

Keep on writing FinalStand, you truly have talent.

This is shaping up nicely. Israel is an interesting and damaged character. As are several of the supporting female characters. I do find it odd that other males have not spoken out before like this or that some men would that end up 'attached' to women of power able to make the same points.

It is too bad he is too honorable to use the system to his advantage. But it does seem odd that other men have not manipulated the system to make it more Male Friendly. I mean, all it would seem to take is a couple guys making it clear that they liked a Prosecutor who 'respected' men enough to enforce the law. That might do more than just influence her as an individual.

I could see the campaign ad: A crowd of attractive guys saying that they liked The candidate because she supported their rights. That this made them feel safer and that this made it easier for them to go out and do their 'duty' more often and eagerly.

Simple message, Vote for X and you might have sex. Otherwise, you are screwed.

Hope my comments on the sociology are not confused with comments on the writing. While I don't think this situation could have evolved, the story is written well enough to get me to suspend my disbelief. It is usually after I finish that the doubt sets in.

More please. I always seem to like your work. Now if you could just finish a few more, I would be in a state of true joy.

from another earth. Do you have access to alternate worlds? This world you have created seems very realistic and full of detail. The people are fleshed out and easy to love or hate. Well done. Please continue, I see the future of this series lasting and being loved for a long time.

You've achieved the goal every writer tries for. An emotional response. You've turned me off. I need to go look at kittens and puppies now. I couldn't finish this and I'm not going to. I'll be staying away from your stories for awhile, until I can dissociate this story with you.

You are one of the most creative writers around.

An enjoyable and totally believable read. I would think men would end up with more power in this type of situation but that would not serve your purpose.

I am curious about the children and loved the line that kinda went:

Can you just disappear?

That can't be ruled out

Thinks about what she said.

Please keep writing!

The only thing more screwed up then the this world you have created is that random chick posting access to naked pics of herself anywhere near it. Im sorry to say that I think this story just took 2nd place for deprived when that women decided to post that after your story of all places. Don't get me wrong I much prefer your version of deprived. XD

Srry but one comment per person is not enough for an author of your caliber. I am scared to read anything else by you for fear that you are somehow holding back on this story. @ mickey: I think that you are missing the point this is a world where basically everything that could go wrong did. Basically while it is more likely that in a assimilate situation men would have more power it is also very likely that this would happen, it only takes 1 person to completely change everything for better or for worse.

Other than that I have to agree with every competent person that actually commented on the story (everyone other than random sexually desperate women) You are a terrific writer and you'r ability to bring entire worlds into existence puts you in a category of a very select few writers to have ever existed.

Hi FS,

I've been following your stories for some time now. Every new chapter is better than the last. I really like that this story isn't all about sex, but more about an emotional situation for the main character. The suicide was a very good plot element as well as the incident with the security guards. The layers that you are adding to the main character is very impressive.

I love the fact that your writing style is so vivid that you really feel for Israel. His back story with the sorority is elegantly outlined. By using an ex-girlfriend that he trusted as the catalyst for his plight is easy to connect with since everyone trusts someone. As a reader, I could not imagine being in his shoes if you take into account how he views the world. Israel's self censorship adds depth to the horrible situation and the lack of firm rights that the men in your universe are allowed.

Keep up the fantastic work. I hope to see more of this story and the Christian College series.

Sincerely,

Freznel

Damn, this is good, but... Damn, is it really fucking bleak/depressing! LOL! Seriously! If the next chapters of this mystery (can we still call it "erotic" anymore?) are as down as the last few chapters, I won't be able to continue. I love the issues and spin you've taken here, but reading about poor Israel being raped/savaged/brutalized/abused is a real non-starter.

5/5... but this is some tough shit to endure.

When does the next chapter appear? As soon as possible please!!!!

The social commentary in this piece is great. This may be one of the only, the first I've ever come across anyway, cerebral stories on Literotica. It really challenges the gender roles that exist right now, and although Literotica serves as escapism of some sort, counters the entrenched behaviour and attitudes perpetuated by some stories in Literotica.

and the narrative, world building and character development in this story just stands on it's own merits. Thanks so much for creating a great read!

This promises to grow into one of the best stories I've read. FinalStand. you've created a very believable and very cynical world. So far you've done *GREAT*

Knowing you as an author, I suggest you try to keep the story believable... keep the audience immersed instead of amused and you'll receive a couple of more "five star favourites!"

FS, I have to congratulate you for imagineering such an emotionally gripping and disturbing vision of the future gone very, very bad!

I have been conducting an experiment with some of the Loving Wife stories by varied authors. I have been swapping the dialogue between male and female characters in the LW genre.

My hypothesis is that many Loving Wife stories are gender reversed. In other words the fictional female characters are written to talk and act like real-life men. While fictional male characters are written to talk and act like real-life women.

This to bolster the cult of victimization which seems to be a common thread among the male commentators, who are the audience for 'Evil Female' fairytales.

Well, as Robert Heinlein wrote "The worst lies a man will tell are the lies he tells to himself."

I speak form bitter experience. My wife and I volunteered a t a NGO that tried to help women and children wanting to escape abusive relationships, with finding safe lodging, medical services and living assistance. Basically those necessities of life that our callous society is unwilling to extend to those victims of familial terror.

All the arguments made to justify evil behavior in this storyline, I have heard before in real life by real people, hundreds of times.

Absolutely great writing.

Good enough to be the first portion of a novel.

Can not wait for the next installment.

So, what did happen to the missing men? I hope the question is answered in a future chapter of this story.

One thing that your editor misses is the use of quotes in dialog. If the same character continues speaking in the next paragraph, you signal that by NOT putting the ending quote on the previous paragraph.

"This is how I would start a conversation," the writer said. "I could wax eloquent or boring about something and nothing at all. Like up so floating many bells down, to quote a famous poet.

"However, if I want to change the topic to something new, I just start a new paragraph and keep speaking, just like this."

Notice the quote at the end of the first paragraph is missing? This signals new topic, but that the speaker is the same. Clear as mud?

Good story writing, with only a few errors. I am impressed you actually found an editor. I've made seven contacts and not found a one. So good on you; it's nice to know that someone has had success.

It is a dark series, and very interesting you actually made reference to those very dangerous MRA sociopaths; they are worse than the women portrayed in your writing.

Trips down the darker passages are not taken lightly, for exploring the dark can be dangerous, but if you survive, the journey can teach a great deal. I look forward to seeing where you take the story.

It came out at 21,000 words; that's nearly twice the size of previous chapters. I sent it to my editor today at three pm EDT. (3/19/14). I have some hope that I'll get it back soon then submit it to Literotica and have it out there by Monday or Tuesday. I apologize for talking so long. Some of these scenes were tough for me to work out.

I rarely see such quality on Lit. Real nice. Easiest 5 stars I gave here.

One note

Drop the Tom Swifties and stop explaining your dialog.

Your character never just say something they: Whisper, sigh, add, ask, evade, insist, note, state, hiss … their sentences. That’s lazy writing, and it takes a ton out of your otherwise excellent dialogs.

90% of the times they are totally redundant:

"Hmmm," I mused.

"Alone," Bethany demanded.

"Don't worry about it," I assured her

"You are twisting this all out of proportion," Bethany complained.

Read the sentence without the suffixes. The dialog flows much better and it’s still obvious to the reader.

Its tuesday, no chapter 4, sadness :(

Sorry, the editor was out of town until Sunday, but has finished editing both Chapters 4 and 5. Four is already submitted to Literotica and I'll submit Chapter 5 in a few hours. I'm busy writing Chapter 6 at this time - 4100 words and counting - and since I'm on a roll, I'll keep writing until I need a break.

(A bit from Chapter 6)

*In retrospect, had I ever actually seen Angel in a fight before she threatened me on Friday, I wouldn’t have let her back in my condo, much less my bedroom. I have no fist-fighting experience but I’ve seen a few female fight movies and TV shows – things like the Power Rangers and Black Widow: Agent of SHIELD. I was totally unprepared for the reality of this kind of violence.*

It sounds pretty light-hearted I know, until you think about that fact that Israel has few 'strong' male role-models. The Power Rangers are all girls - men don't carry swords. It isn't Superman - it is Wonder Woman and her love interest, Lucas Lane. The defender of Gotham is Batwoman, of course.

In aggressive stories, movies and TV - men are either victims, or villains. A man who seeks out violence is a social deviant and this lesson is enforced. On rare occasions you have the really old man but all he is there for is to hand of the mantle of 'Protector' to young women and to reinforce in men that the women will protect them now because to risk yourself in combat is selfish.

The hero is a victim who is trying to live in a respectable manner. The world building in the story is fabulous. Nice to see that there are some good eggs among the women. This mystery of the disappearances and especially why one zone of the city is being given special treatment should not be quickly solved. Give the author room to show his quality!

Thanks for all the hard work. Sorry for complaining. Can't wait to read the new chapters!

the hero of this story is like watching a plane crash. you dont know when its going to crash or what exactly is going to cause it but you know its going to fun to watch

This is an interesting story and concept. It reminds me of Frank Herbert's 'The White Plague'. Excellent work.

Okay, I received this a few minutes ago. I am intrigued by the reader's critque. After all, I'm not going to get better unless I know what I'm doing wrong. I respect anonymous comments and feedback. It is your right. Still, I'd like to talk about this if the sender is willing.

**

This message contains feedback for:

This feedback was sent by: Anonymous

Comments:

Oh My God. I am 3 pages into the third chapter of One in Ten. I thought, hey

I've seen the concept before, but why not? It's widely acclaimed, why not?

You sir are sickening. Your character names are painful to read because they are

culturally unrealistic. The opinions held by the character, given his position

are grating. You realize that just because he thinks it, he doesn't have to

spell it out by the letter? Literally ever five fucking sentences i'm reading

more of his bullshit. I'm looking for erotic fiction. EROTIC FICTION

Your shit writing, is neither. If I find reason to apologize when I'm done, I

will. In the meantime I can not in the english language explain clearly enough

how firmly I believe that you should never put finger to keyboard again.

Protip: You only change paragraphs when a person is speaking if you are

swithcing to another person speaking. For example

Jason, exhausted and distraught half closed his laptop, turning to rise from his

office chair.

"Hey Alice," Jason mused, "You read that piece from FinalStand? Think it was One

in Ten."

"Just getting into it. Jesus, this guy is bad. Is his editor blind?" She looked

to Jason for confirmation, seeing it grow behind his hooded eyes, leaning on her

doorframe and rubbing his temples, as he was.

"Not sure, but if I read any more of that, I'll go blind"

-Sincerely

Fuck you.

**

Clearly I have some explaining to do.

Sincerely,

FinalStand

Heh. A "Protip"...from a "I hate this but I'm continuing on just so I can masturbate to my own indignant righteousness" Anonymous sandblaster. Nice. HAHAHAHA!

You already have more balls asking to talk to this person like a real human being, FS. But don't expect the same courtesy in return.

As I read this story, I have to pull back and consider if the depth of the anguish you are trying to convey has a point.

There has to be a reason for the exaggerated exposition of abuse that you're portraying in this story. It isn't even vaguely erotic. It isn't 'fun'. It is exploratory and didactic. You are trying to navigate the anguish of a desperate, evil, mostly amoral and sadistic society. I can see depravity of Auschwitz and the lack of humanity of Genghis Khan twisted into the story to create a true fictitious nightmare society. Power is used in the most vile and personally demanding manner possible. Where the only escape is to destroy the body for the vague release of oblivion.

So, I get it. I get what you are trying to show. I understand the name of Israel for the main protagonist as a psychological link to the abuses perpetrated through the ages. I simply do not understand the point.

If the point is the changing of the society through the exposition of abuse, the press conference alone should have achieved the level of shock you might have been looking for. Yet, that's not the case. In fact, the brutal revelations are, unrealistically, treated as "meh, just another crazy sex slave".

And so, I go back to ... what's the point? Where is the focus? Where is the direction going? As a reader I need to know if I am going to care about the words in front of me.

Next. I read that anonymous comment. No one deserves such severe language, especially from a coward that strikes from anonymity; safe that their vileness and verbal acid excretion will not be followed by accountability.

Two solid points exist within that foul repugnant mess. A. The severely detailed, 'every thought is expressed' compilations are significantly harsh to navigate. B. The observation about the paragraphs and character dialogues is spot on. Your work needs better separation of the lines so as to allow for better understanding of who is saying what.

I also noticed numerous, yer sporadic, spelling errors. Maybe those might merit a review.

I guess that's all I wanted to say for now. Don't hesitate to contact me in the forums.

Thank you for reading, sir.

Montanos

The press conference isn't a game changer because rarely is a whistle-blower appreciated when they rock the foundations of the system. In Israel's case, embracing his cause is embracing racial suicide in most women's minds. Keeping a tight control over men is the only way they know to perpetuate the species. His outburst is newsworthy, but as much for his attractiveness as his message.

The critical factor here is not sadism, because sadism is directed at a target. This is passive indifference to an entire class of people. Abuse of Power is also a key focus. It is not just the Mayor's Chief of Staff. It is also Angel, who regularly violates Israel's privacy...and she really, really cares about him and she does it anyway. It is ingrained insensitivity. From her POV, she's a cop - one of the good gals. Why wouldn't he want her checking in to make sure he's okay? She can't relate to his feeling of helplessness. How can she? The socio-economic system works for her. She doesn't even see herself as privileged. She sees her advances as 'perks' for doing a dangerous job.

The point is not that people are doing wrong. Some are doing wrong, know it and don't care. It is the people doing wrong and not even believing it is wrong that is the problem this tale explores. They believe society works a certain way because they want to believe it works that way. The alternative makes the average commuter on the subway out to be a villain...and those ladies definitely don't see themselves as bad people.

I apologize for taking so long to respond. Life gets in the way from time to time.

Are you going to come back at some point and finish this one? I'm really hoping so but if not I guess we still have Life as a new hire.

I have never commented on anything on here before, but I needed to make sure to tell you this series has moved me. As a white male in the Deep South I have seen, but never participated in blatant racism/sexism to my knowledge, but through this I've come to see my ignoring it in others as the cancer that it is. I hope you feel like you can come back to this series, but if not, I want you to know I feel like I've gained something as a person.

"I swear by the Goddess..."

Total Life as a New Hire moment! Cross-over coming soon?

Sorry, that mention is not a Life as a New Hire slip up, or indication of a cross-over. I reasoned that as women took over the clergy of multiple faiths they gravitated more to a gender-neutral picture of the Divine Being. By the time of the story, some denominations have split over the Traditionalist (God as He) and 'Reformed' (Goddess as She). In Christianity, it is the Holy Spirit that impregnates the Virgin Mary, so Jesus remains the Son of Goddess and the Holy Spirit is Her creation of an masculine aspect so that Jesus will be raised by his Mother. In Islam, more emphasis was placed on Fatima. In the Hindi faith, the female aspects of male deities and clearly female deities come more to the fore. Lastly, the 'pagan' belief of a Mother /Earth / Creation Goddess became more popular and mainstream. I never really explored One in Ten religious practices because Israel is non-religious and the tale is told from his perspective.

You've got a terrific story with real emotion here - but as a professional freelance editor I have to say that whoever your editor is, you need to fire them. Too many incomplete/garbled sentences, paragraph breaks that make no sense, misspellings ... they undermine your prose and distract from the story. I keep wanting to give five stars to your stuff, but with all the errors I can't.

I understand the exaggeration or tendency to hyper-dramatize the social interaction. I am sure without it the gender blind among the readers would not understand. Subtlety has not been known to be as effective as a blunt mallet.

I am enjoying reading the comments. Even after stating clearly in the prologue that the chapter does not contain graphic sex a reader has to complain that the sole purpose for reading on this site was for the erotic content.

doh!

I have read a great many stories, erotic and otherwise. This one is top notch...

JC

great prose, it's also depressing as hell, so I can't continue - my soul hurts too much.

It is a deeply disturbing story, but not in a negative manner. That it IS disturbing, is a testament to your ability to describe the human condition.

Utilizing gender reversal helps the description process, allowing the message to be heard without distraction.

We are a strange creature, we humans. In college, my girlfriend had a game called 'Blacks & Whites'. It was not a emotionally or socially 'safe' game; there was a LOT of uncomfortableness in the game. It was brutally honest, for certain, about the interactions and social problems of race.

There was an African American couple we were friends with, and on a handful of occasions, we would play the game. But, just to make it even MORE uncomfortable, we would trade roles. During the game, we would play as black characters in the game, and our friends would play as white characters.

We had a lot of laughs, but also shared a lot of powerful experiences. It's difficult to explain how absurd a situation can be when you hear a young, 20 something white woman portraying a black woman, and a 20 something black woman portraying a white woman in a racially charged interaction.

It was powerful, just as 'One in Ten' is.

Thanks for sharing your talent and creativity, and thanks for all the it takes to put together a submission at the quality level you do.

GeoD78

Thanks Geo. Great post and yes this is an incredibly well written story. The ideas writers come up with blow my mind. Damn good work!!

Ed

This is a great story so far, very interesting and thought provoking. 5 stars.

This is a tragic story that I can’t turn away from.

🥺❤🤧

I really enjoy the 180 degree look at society. Really thought provoking. Be careful what you wish for.

This is a very interesting and thought provoking story

Half the words used would have been sufficient for this section. Probably should have been filed under Fetish or BDSM...

God, this is a depressing story. Why is it allowed for an erotica-themed website? It has almost none in it.

Since the author is clearly trying to make a point about how the sexes see each other in real life, wouldn't a non-adult story site be more appropriate?

I agree with some of the commenters saying that they don't really think this story belongs on a site like literotica, but I'm definitely not complaining. This is one of the best written stories I've ever read and it portrays the human condition and the way people think in a way that I could only dream of. Seriously, I WISH I could write characters that were this human. Amazing work, and I'm glad I've found it.

You are weaving a remarkable story here.

5/5

Dude, you write really good stories