One Way to Graduate

Ethan's head pressed against the wooden barrier between them and the outside, and he took a deep breath. A few seconds later they could both hear the din of conversation resume out there, and the music shortly after that.

"Sorry about... that," he sighed out, rubbing his eyes, trying to destress. "Sis can be a little ridiculous when boys are involved and... I can't stand her friends. I uh... I'm sorry. You deserve an apology for that mess out there, even if Vicky won't give you one."

Nora didn't know what to say. After grad and all, getting invited to a party had made it all seem real, like she was a grown-up... or maybe... but the whole night had crashed and burned so fast... faster than a nightmare, spiraling out of control. Due to her own mother's white lie, the whole pretense of her invitation had been a... a sham! She was totally unwanted, and it showed.

Almost everyone out there had just stared; from her rolling in, throughout the whole incident! Nora had to consider that maybe life at school had gotten comfortable being addressed only by teachers and carers, but now... now it was on full display how her classmates looked at her. Distant. Cold. Annoyed. Nora had been at the party all of half an hour and received nothing but embarrassed glances and insults. They were just so... so... Words failed her.

"How can I? They. No." her Dynavox spouted, disjointedly. Nora paused to just precompose properly, finishing and looking at Ethan as the voice said simply, sorrowful in its lack of emotion, "How can they not see that I am in here?"

Ethan's gut twisted. Not only was this the first time he had heard Nora speak in complete sentences, taking him a bit off guard, he didn't have an answer for her. Her question really tested the line between his idealism and latent misanthropy, well-developed at college, as he realized just how much his own opinion of the girl in front of him had shifted the moment her words became smoother and sharper to the point.

He moved to sit on his bed, observing Nora and all her bulky equipment. Her mouth moved on its own, face shifting often enough he couldn't trust it to show how she really felt, her eyes darting hard left and far upwards every so often, even crossing slightly once or twice. Still, Ethan could somehow tell Nora was looking at him, or trying. She was undoubtedly there.

"You know what?" he offered, running his hand through his hair, "It's not so bad. We can have our own party here. With blackjack and... uhhh, with games and soda, of course. I might run outside once we run low on supplies, but you don't have to go anywhere you don't want."

Nora's gaze flew to her screen, while her jaw kept making this open chewing motion and her arms tensed inward from concentration. Ethan stayed perched on his bed like that, just pondering and waiting, before the voice from Nora's device cut the silence and the tension as if with a razorblade.

"Yeah. That sounds fun. F-U-C-K them."

It was ridiculous hearing this innocent, flat midwestern girl voice say that; Nora had to admit, but she was proud to catch Ethan unawares, save for a small curvature of a smile forming on her mouth.

He did a double-take, then burst out laughing, realizing she really was a normal 18-year-old girl in there like he had guessed, sailor's mouth and all. Luckily she was laughing too, in her own way, as the two eased up a bit.

"Yeah, seriously. You deserve better friends." Ethan said summarily, before changing the topic abruptly to keep away from things he couldn't fix.

"So, we can play some games like I mentioned and keep it chill here, and I can help with... whatever you need," he trailed off, looking over at his PC. It might be like playing with Vicky next to him in the old days, watching his every move, disinterested but glued to the screen just like him. He tried to think of something else, but came up blank, hoping it didn't sound too boring.

Nora thought that was a fine way to kill the evening, but her thirst was getting to her. She directed her wandering gaze at the glass then the screen, taking her time now to pre-compose. "I want a taste. Please. Can you use the straw to put soda pop on my tongue? Then we can play."

Remembering the glass in his hand, Ethan jumped, "Oh, of course! Sorry! Okay...let's see..." He set it on the nightstand next to his bed, close to his guest.

Nora directed her seat to tilt backward so it all wouldn't pour out of her mouth immediately, and then watched as the older boy approached timidly with a strawful of sweetness. "Slow." she said with a glance. She didn't have the calm and concentration to muster closing her slack jaw right now, and she wanted to savor this.

Ethan, leaning over her, found it so weird to be poking into a girl's open mouth while she was telling him how from a speaker cantilevered behind him, but he did as instructed, leaving her with half a straw of orange soda, on and under her restless tongue, while the fizzing surface in the glass barely dropped. He had definitely over-poured.

Nora practically bubbled, shaking in her braces and bonds, enjoying the decadent sweetness. She didn't use her mouth much, usually tasting only minty toothpaste while relying on a g-tube for the rest of the day, so this felt special, as simple as it was. Part of her had really wanted to taste beer tonight, or get a little drunk maybe, but the soda was so sweet Nora pretty much spaced that. She looked up at Ethan leaning over her and almost laughed happily, but kept her vocal chords in check... barely.

Looking at some drool on her lip, Ethan decided to wipe it off again, pulling up her bandana bib and flatly ignoring what was underneath. Redirecting his thoughts away from a disabled high-schooler's perky breasts, Ethan wondered if Nora would need to spit the soda out or not, but then realized it would probably end up on her chin anyways. He changed the subject, walking over to his desk, and Nora turned and repositioned herself near his chair.

"So, games. I have like... a lot of games here. So we can try something we both like. My library is full of stuff I never played before, I... might have a problem." Ethan chuckled, looking back, and reached to adjust Nora's glasses down her nose so she could see his monitor from her reclined position. He felt like he was invading her space every time, but Nora didn't seem to mind.

Truthfully, she was elated! 'Oh my god he just went for it!'

Nora had been feeling much too awkward to ask a strange boy to wipe her face or adjust her glasses, as ridiculous as that sounded, but luckily he didn't make her ask! Nora blushed a bit at his touch but thankfully he didn't notice, or let it slide. Life in others' hands made thank-yous almost meaningless if overused, so she kept them for only the most very precious moments, and thinking of how Ethan was creating a safe, comfy space for her, when he so obviously wanted to be alone; Nora felt he deserved one, for doing more than his sister had; for saving her from Vicky, honestly.

"Thank you." she said simply, as all that intentionality dissolved in the flat pre-recorded voice, before adding, "Replace it with a cloth from my bag behind me next time. Getting damp."

"Oh, uh, sorry!" Ethan apologized, noting what was effectively a diaper bag hanging off the pushbar behind Nora, but she shook her head clumsily, to imply 'it's okay', making her neck retaliate and push her left cheek into the headrest firmly.

The glasses, already pushed down, fell all the way off and Ethan replaced them again with those deft hands, so easily, while Nora's own clenched uselessly on her tabletop. Demonstrating exactly why thanks got old fast in her lifestyle, Nora just smiled and let out a little squeal, something inside telling her she didn't need to hide her voice from him, at least not too much...

Ethan grinned when he heard that, it was just... infectious. Yet as he sat there, scrolling through titles aimlessly, he wondered if it was right to enjoy, as awkward as it sounded. To Ethan, Nora sounded a bit like a happy baby when she was having fun. And he had seen how she cried. Was it wrong to compare her to a baby? He forcibly scribbled over that thought, burying himself in the list of titles.

After reaching an impasse, Ethan finally just restarted the game he had already been playing: it was action-packed and full of greek mythology references, good distracting fluff. He didn't ask if she could play, and Nora was happy to skip the formalities. Without some special tech she had used once at summer camp for kids like her, she couldn't, and that had been some simple up and down game with birds and pipes. Nora eagerly watched Ethan's articulate hands trigger keys and commands right when he wanted to -- timing was everything for survival in this brutal game. Ethan got massacred and she let out a short gasp of a laugh, before eyeing her words, trying to think of things to ask to keep the conversation moving, the two of them both sucked into their screens.

"Is anyone in your family disabled? You are very handsy. You seem comfortable helping me."

Ethan coughed at her question. "Uhm. Handy. Like hand-EE. Not handsy... that uh... means something very different." He reddened a bit but hoped she couldn't see that, before focusing on the game. "Uh...and not really. Although Vicky is a bit braindead at times." He added with a grin.

Nora hadn't noticed the autocorrect, but something made her refrain from telling him that, instead retorting, "How dare you. That is not funny."

Ethan whipped around, but was greeted by the open-mouthed, crooked smile again, and he groaned, turning back. Dead again. "You're unbelievable! There's no intonation! I thought you were actually offended!"

Nora squealed a bit too loud, wishing she could just giggle like the other girls. "Who says I am not? Just kidding! Just kidding! Just kidding!"

Ethan dosed his new friend with some more soda and began that same level again, frustrated, but he hid a smile. The two of them got into a groove, as he learned how long it took just to talk with Nora. Luckily he could just focus on his game while she typed with her eyes. It worked for her too, as she didn't feel that ever-present rush to reply, just taking her time, enjoying the fizz and trickle of sweetness.

"You are right. She is a little brain dead." Nora added. "Did you know? She stole my test answers. Biology class. All semester. I am starting to regret letting her."

Fists closed tightly out in front of her, Nora was still mad, but it was almost inconsequential as the salve of gossip, and Ethan's "No way!" kept her mind off the actual hurt. Watching him fight off minotaurs and gorgons, her face was pressing to the left again, almost bashful, but just another broken reflex. Imagining she was using those big hands on the keys, so quick, so easy, Nora realized he had been right. Minus the pizza, this was kind of the perfect distraction.

"You are very good. Stick to your game. I will stick to annoying you. We will play to our strengths."

Ethan laughed a bit at that, before reaching back and swatting Nora's knee playfully below her table. She was wearing soft leggings, and Ethan succumbed to another killing blow, as he noticed her skinny leg was far tighter than he expected.

"Sorry, did... did you feel that?" Ethan sipped his glass, waiting for the level to load, and for her response.

"I am not that kind of paralyzed. I feel everything down there."

Ethan almost choked on his drink, his mind going straight to the gutter. Nora's did too upon hearing the voice playback, even if she hadn't intended it that way, and she refrained from telling him about the charley horse that was rearing its head, searing her thigh for the nth time today. A part of her imagined him using those dexterous hands to unclip her table and massage her, like that cute physical therapist did twice a week... far far too infrequently. Nora's legs squeezed hard on the foam bolster keeping them aligned. She winced from the cramp and almost asked...

But Ethan was back in his game by the time Nora was done daydreaming.

Nora delved back into her communication menus, piecing together something to say next. If nothing else, this was solid conversation exercise for a girl who hadn't been able to say more than 'yes' and 'no' with her eyes a few years back. Her speech therapist would be over the moon, especially once she mentioned it was a boy.

"You have a nice bedroom. But living at home. Isn't this a long way to travel for college?"

Ethan sighed, having enjoyed not thinking about his failures for two moments, but he collected himself. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't have known it was a sore topic. "Nah, I was at UW in Seattle for a few semesters, and... it didn't pan out. My family doesn't have much saved up and I didn't want to waste it there. It was fun while it lasted."

Turned to stone again by a glance in the wrong direction, Ethan tried to relax and just found himself pissed at the pop music pouring in from the door.

Nora knew she had hit a nerve, so tried to divert, but this still left a minute-long chasm of open air, regardless. "Yes I understand. My family is very in debt because of my cerebral palsy. I have been accepted to schools because of scholarships only. Cash in on this S-H-I-T, baby!"

Nora winced a bit at the cold read of "baby" compared to what she had in mind, the lyricism just gone, but luckily Ethan laughed... and it wasn't pandering, like most people.

Sick of his game, Ethan whipped his chair around and dropped some more soda in Nora's mouth. "I mean, take what you can get, right? But... I have to ask... why can't you just say 'shit', or 'fuck'? I've heard you try and it keeps spelling it out."

Nora sighed throatily and began composing. "Parental controls. I just graduated and Mom still thinks I will use profanity at wrong time. Or I should never. I do not know. I have yes and no. Eyes up and down. I can yell for help. Usually. Everything else must be asked so I can confirm. I only received this communication tool three years ago. They forget I have been listening and watching for eighteen." She added a deep moan, "Unnnnnggghh!" to show just how frustrated she was.

Ethan couldn't imagine being trapped inside a writhing body with only 'yes', 'no', and a few other simplistic codes at most, but he also couldn't just say 'sorry', or 'wow, that sucks'. After apologizing once for his sister, seeing how it fell so flat and led to nothing but a cynical dead-end, it felt so inadequate for the shitty hand that Nora had been dealt; a drop in the bucket. Sympathy wouldn't change a thing.

"You know... I'm pretty good with computers, maybe I could unlock you?"

Nora's excited smile was loud enough for Ethan to hear: 'Fuck yeah.'

Chapter 6

While Ethan was hunched over his keyboard, poring through Dynavox manuals, trying to block out the sound of some glass breaking in the kitchen, Nora was slowly turning her chair in place, looking around, admiring the room. Without siblings, Nora had never been in the room of someone else her age, and she couldn't help notice how many knick-knacks and souvenirs and things were all around. Back at home, Nora had posters and a flowery pink paint job she had loved as a kid, but hardly any things. She admired some of his trophies, a set of tiny magnets formed into the Eiffel Tower, a baseball in a clear plastic cube. Nora imagined Ethan putting every single one in place himself, by hand, and herself whistling the way people in movies did when they were impressed.

"How do you have so much stuff?" her speaker asked.

Ethan shrugged simply as he skimmed a support forum thread. "I don't know. Things just come into your life and you hold on before the next trash day comes..."

She frowned inside at that, looking down at her arms extended straight out in front of her, padded fists pressing into the tabletop.

Ethan clued into his careless phrasing one second too late, and tried to change the subject. "Most of this needs to be boxed up anyways when I move. Here, can I take a peek at your machine?"

Nora maneuvered closer and Ethan went hunting for a cable before he plugged his computer in one end and the tablet in the other and--

The screen went black. After a moment of disbelief, Nora panicked, "eeeeeeaaa!!" shaking in her chair, her link to the world around her broken! If he damaged--

The tablet screen lit up again, this time her words and phrases were all gone, replaced with what looked like some 3D space with buildings and people and...

'What is this?' she thought, looking at Ethan, whose face had gone pale white.

His gut fell out on him. This was his urban neighborhood project, on Nora's screen!! A sudden, panicked shame erupted as he apologized and scrambled and skimmed more of the docs and then finally just pulled the cable out, making both their computers go black before returning to normal.

"What was that?" Nora asked once her eyegaze tracker behaved again.

"It was nothing, a project for school, before I was-- Your screen acted like a second monitor, I'm sorry I--"

"No. I mean your reaction." The flat midwestern voice seemed almost accusatory but her limited expression was anything but.

Ethan couldn't explain it, why he had become so insanely defensive and erratic. Part of it had been fear he had broken Nora's tablet, her voice, her control to the chair, her connection to the outside world and to him, here. But now that he knew that wasn't the case, another part was this intense worry... worry his design wasn't good enough, that he would never get back into school, that he would never escape this little town in the Cascades, worry that he--

"Can I see it again?" Nora's voice cut through his spiraling.

He shook his head and Nora tried her real voice, "Aaaahhhhh!" something like 'Come on!'

It seemed to work on him, softening his resolve, even though Nora knew she was anything but smooth. Still, he gradually came around, and closed the dumb game (she had been too polite to say) to reveal a more sparse scene of buildings in white wireframe on his monitor.

"Wait, let me turn on the feature layers..." he muttered, and sure enough, trees filled in the sidewalks and then glass in the storefronts and trash cans and electric scooters and people walking made the street come alive, the colors painting in, cars driving and stopping.

Nora's jaw would have dropped if it wasn't already hanging open. She looked back at her screen to speak, flicking her eyes around so deftly, Ethan could almost see the words pouring out of her, still like honey dripping much too slow. Finished, her eyes met his and she beamed. "You made this!? I didn't know it could look so real!"

"Well it's mostly the software..." Ethan started but Nora just moaned "UH!!" curtly at him, unamused by his humble deflection, peeking again. She was enamored, and Ethan found his timid clicking turn into the careful pans and orbits of a digital tour guide, showing the girl in her chair all the features and design elements, like how he had the plaza arranged to allow the sun to filter into some building but not others; how the residents all lived above shops; how the bike lanes were protected by the parked cars like he had seen in a photo of Denmark.

He pulled all these random references up for Nora, showing her his rationale even though she knew nothing about design, and yet the girl's attention was rapt, as her fists tightened, her knees squeezing the bolster. It was all so impressive, and a small but unignorable part of her was actually jealous of Ethan and his able body. He could study all this so easily, not just the tools but the research too, without spending time on care or bowel programs or physical therapy or speech programming, all the myriad of complexities she had to consider before even getting to homework, never mind something Nora even wanted to study. Nora had no idea what she wanted to major in, but it sure as hell wasn't going to be "disability studies" as one advisor had mentioned. She had more than enough of that on the daily.