Our Epiphany, Our Mission

Reaching over to hold both her hands, his face was deadly serious as he quietly continued, "Barb, we've never had secrets from each other and we don't want to start now. Trying to have a baby is the biggest challenge we've ever faced. I wish to God we hadn't had to bring Carl into this but we did and I think we have to be completely open about it with each other. It may be hard for you to understand, but looking at the choice between knowing everything and knowing that you are keeping secrets from me ... even the smallest secret ... I'll choose full knowledge. Also, a psychologist may have an answer to this, but your confession is helping me overcome the jealousy I've been living with this week ... it's been hideous. Hideous!"

"I understand Owen, at least I think I do," Barb responded. "This is tearing me apart too but I love you so terribly much I'll do anything you want. I'll start all over again at the beginning."

"That first night was frankly awful but at least it loosened the tension between us. The next morning, he was trying to make amends and make me comfortable and I appreciated it. He asked me which position I liked and if there were any special little things he could do for me. I told him I liked being on top. After we started I tried to sit up straight like I do with you but he wasn't familiar with that and just kept thrashing up and down." She smiled wanly, "Gosh, I had to hold him tight just to hang on and that's when his hair scratched me. The second night neither of us slept and our coupling got better each time. Is coupling the right word for it? It wasn't love, I know that. Maybe affection. Definitely sexual attraction ... a strong attraction. But it wasn't fucking. Carl is too caring for that and I would have been repulsed. There must be another word but I can't think of it ... "mission" is as good as any, I guess. I had lost my inhibitions and I must have hissed each time I came. At least he said I did. He said that was a first for him ... silence during the buildup and then a hiss at the end. He tried to make a joke of it and said he thought a snake had slithered into the room."

"You're many things, Barb, but a snake you're not. You're just you and I thank God every day for it. One final question and we'll put this whole thing behind us ... unless we have to do it again next month. Did you" ... Owen stumbled over words and repeated himself as he searched for some right way to ask the question. "This is difficult to ask but did you ... you know, did you do anything orally to him? I hope you won't think I'm perverted but I want to know. Maybe it's like watching a NASCAR race on TV and hating yourself for hoping there will be a crash."

Frowning deeply, she said, "Do you really have to hear about that? Is it really necessary?" He persisted and she reluctantly continued without looking at her husband. "I wanted to be topside as you call it and I told him I would show him how we do it. He laid flat on his back and I started to kiss his ears and neck, just like you like it ... after all, whatever I know I learned from you. Then I nuzzled down through that forest of hair to his tummy." Seeing an opportunity to avoid saying more, she said, "God, what a hard stomach he has, what muscles! You have a way to go to match him in that department Mr. Anderson. You should spend more time in the company gym." Owen made a mental note of his small inadequacy and vowed to do just as she suggested.

"Keep going," he said, "I'm not going to let you off the hook and change the subject to a comparison of his fantastic abs and my flabby gut. Anyway, I'm not as soft as you think. C'mon, hit me. Hit me as hard as you can. Right here." Smiling, he tensed his stomach.

"Very funny ... and who's changing the subject now, huh? Where was I? Oh yes. Well, it was pretty obvious that my ... what shall I call them ... attentions? ...were having their effect and his penis was more than ready to receive me when I finally reached it. The head was all swollen up like a ripe little plum ready to burst. Yes Owen, I kissed him. I caressed him with my lips. I tasted him deeply. He gently held my head with his hands and slowly moved his hips. It was natural and good and I wanted to do it. Anyway, by then I was ready to rule the roost on top and ... well, you know the rest."

Solemnly, she went on. "The next time we were together I did it again because he enjoyed it and I wanted to please him. No, that's not right. I did it because I wanted to thank him. Thank him for being so considerate and kind to me. Does any of that make sense? Probably not. Once he was very close and I would have accepted him but he wouldn't let himself finish that way. We were there to conceive a child and that isn't done orally."

Looking downward, Barbara was silent for several minutes before continuing.

The Agony

"So now you know everything except the most important thing of all ... why I refused to return on the third night. Yes, of course I was tired. Twice on Thursday and three times on Friday with Carl plus yourentre act performances and I was reeling. But that wasn't the real reason I couldn't go back."

She sat unmoving. Time ceased to exist.

"Do you remember when you first described this mission you used the word "donor"? Somehow, that word depersonalized what we were doing and made it sound like nothing more than a version of the in vitro process. I grasped onto that word because it gave me an excuse not to be ashamed of what I had to do. It made everything sound so simple and rational and uncomplicated. But at the same time I was paranoid that regardless of what you said, your love for me would change. I know better now. Tonight you were angry. Your words cut me deeply. But once they were said, once you had confessed your jealousy, I saw your pain. I saw how much you had suffered and it was heartbreaking. Owen, you are the most caring person in the world and I respect you more than I can ever tell you."

Looking directly into her husband's eyes, she quietly continued. "But there is more I have to say. We're both intelligent people. Both of us have always been able to deal with difficult things but this goes beyond anything we've ever faced in the past. It goes beyond anything I can understand. I need your help now more than I've ever needed it before."

"This last week the demons you were facing made you blind to me. I understand that and I'm not criticizing you for it but I've been suffering my own demons. I've had terrible thoughts. I feel I'm losing my sanity. I feel that I'm going to explode if I don't get this out of me. What I'm going to say will hurt you again and I'm sorry for that, truly sorry. But I have to tell you before I fall to pieces. A therapist may be needed to get me through this and I'll start tomorrow if you tell me to."

"When I said I was too exhausted to return on Saturday it was just an excuse. I was afraid. I was afraid of being with him again. I was afraid because Iwanted to be with him again. I'm not falling into love with him, absolutely not. My love for you will never change. But God help me, during those two nights I was drawn to that man like a bitch in heat. Ever since, I've thought about nothing except what I felt while I was with him. I can't get it out of my mind. I came close to calling him to beg to be with him again. This morning after you left I masturbated thinking of him and my orgasm was excruciating! I know this for what it is, pure animal lust! Sex without love! Something a woman is not supposed to feel. But I can't control it. It's a cancer that has eaten into my mind. I'm ashamed of myself, totally ashamed. More than that, I'm afraid of myself!"

Closing her eyes, she held her husband's hand to her cheek and whispered. "Owen, I'm not the strong person you thought I was. I'm not the strong person I thought I was. I'm weak and I need your strength to overcome this obsession before it destroys me. Help me be the person I want to be and not some bewildered creature pathetically pleading for sex with my husband's best friend. That would be despicable but it's close to where I am. This is a revolting neurotic thing that's consuming me and it's going to annihilate me without your help. Save me from this terror. Save me from myself. Protect me from myself."

The Gift

Barbara bloomed with health during her pregnancy. The ultrasound promised a daughter and they agonized over names before finally choosing Julia. There was no reason for the name. No family relative. No close friend. Just that it captivated them both. Delivery was easy and Julia became the treasured centerpiece of the Anderson family, a centerpiece surrounded by love and laughter.

Today Revisited

The late May weather was warm and the Denison campus was bathed in Big Red banners to honor the year's graduating seniors.

Exceeding her parents' records, Julia graduated magna cum laude. The three joined together on the president's dais when it came time for her to deliver her address as class valedictorian. Barbara was iridescent in a light coral-colored suit that perfectly accented her dark hair and olive skin. Twenty-one years had passed since Julia's birth and the only telltale mark was a few laughter lines at the corners of her brown eyes. Owen's lanky frame towered over his diminutive wife. His blue eyes squinted in the harsh sunlight and his sandy hair blew in the spring breeze. Standing five inches taller than her mother, Julia's wide smile, light russet hair, fair complexion and sparkling blue eyes charmed the large audience of parents and friends. Sitting in the second row, Amanda and Carl Gebhardt and their 17-year-old son Stephen joined the applause as Julia completed her speech.

Gathering his two women into a giant bear hug, Owen smiled down at his wife. "Certain ideal circumstances do occur from time to time in this life, don't they?"

Her eyes were wet as she smiled back.